Garrett Hedlund Appreciation

Life's Lesson: A Death Sentence Fic

Sun, 16 Sep 2007 05:29:50 GMT

Life’s Lesson

This is just a little one shot I wrote during a very difficult period in my life. I hope that you like this story, as it was very therapeutic for me. Do not worry, the next installment of Lament will be out in the next few days. Sorry for the delay, but its been a hectic few months for me.

A groan was emitted from the young woman’s lips as the lights from the street lamps below came streaming in through the partially open blinds that covered the window and landed rather harshly on her sleeping form.

Moonlight crept through her window, bathing her room in an eerie glow. Shadows from slowly moving cars driving down her street danced across her walls, followed by the glare of headlights that occasionally spilled in through the window.

Elizabeth sat up in the bed and rested her head against the headboard, running her hands tiredly through her hair and heaving an anguished sigh.

She grasped her knees to her chest, almost like a frightened child would do. She could feel the onslaught of fresh tears threatening to spill from her eyes, but she squeezed her eyelids as tightly as she could to keep them at bay.

She shook her head defiantly and took a few deep breaths. She was not going to cry over him, not any more. She would be damned if she let him control her. She was not only physically worn out, but mentally as well. She was so damned exhausted right down to her bones.

She just does not feel right about the whole situation. In her heart, she stills thinks that they are the only people meant to be with one another. How can she expect to get over him? He was her first love, her life, her joy, and her entire world. He was absolutely everything that was good in her world. How can you expect her to forget that so easily? It does not matter what their relationship is now because at one time what they shared was special. She knew it was. It had to be. It just had to. She could feel it in her heart that it was real. What makes the situation even far worse is she knows he feels the same…or used to anyway. That is the only thing that made her stay so long. She patiently awaited that he would magically one day go back to that gentle, loving and caring man she had once fallen in love with. It may seem like such an idyllic and illogical idea, but it’s the truth.

Time does not cease to matter when it pertains to the kind of love that the two of them shared, but the lesson she has learned throughout all of this is that you cannot live in the past. No matter how fucked up the present maybe. At least there is one thing she has control over…the future. Hell, that seems to be the only thing she has control over as of late.

She has loved him long before she ever met him. She was dreaming of him as a little girl. Imagining a perfect man that would steal her heart and keep it safe in his very own chest in place of his, which he has given to her to hold. She would lie in bed wishing on every star she could see that she would meet such a man who could make her smile just by walking into the room. A man that could make her cry, not by hurting her, but by making her so happy that she could not control her tears. Not tears of sorrow like so many others have caused her over the years, but tears of unabashed happiness.

A man that she could spend every moment of her life with and never have a second of silence. One that held her hand to his chest so she could feel his love for her beating inside his heart so wildly that her hand would shutter. She has waited for a man that could fill, not only her heart with joy, but her entire being so that she could feel love deep in her stomach each time she would think of him. One that could make her smile with the slightest sound of his voice or the very thought of his beautiful face. A face that is imprinted in her mind. One that she sees in her dreams every night as she sleeps. A face that belongs only to him.

She often sits and thinks of everything they used to be. His soft hair, his big glowing eyes that welcome her into every embrace that they shared. His lips that she yearns to kiss. His arms that keep her warm and safe from all that surrounds them in this big world, and his soul that fits with hers to form one being full of love and warmth that no other person can take the place of.

It is his entire self that she is in love with. She loves him in the most amazing and complete way imaginable. Not only does she love him like all who are special to her, but also she is in love with him.

Him and him alone.

She knows when things started to change. The hugs were quicker, the phone calls were shorter, and they weren't every night. They didn't hurry to the place where they said they'd meet. The 'I love you's' felt more like a forced, daily routine, and really had no meaning. When they saw each other, the smiles weren't as bright, or as big. Their thoughts weren't only of each other. They seemed uninterested, they felt unloved. They had too many doubts. They noticed when things started to change.

Well, at least she did anyway.

Billy Darly was the man she has been dreaming of. Everything about him fits so perfectly into the image in her heart of her perfect man. The image that she began building as a young girl. He truly is her soul mate. The man she was destined to love for all eternity. The man that she wants to share her every breath with. Her every hope and dream. All of her heart is for him. She will cherish this love they have forever.

No time, distance nor anyone else that comes into her life will ever change that.

Elizabeth knows she will be fine. She should be heartbroken, but she passed that stage months ago. She cried solidly for about three weeks and not wanted to go anywhere or do anything. Okay, she had that one night from hell, but since then she’s been really okay, and at least she knows there's no point living on false hope. At least she knows it’s really is over so she can move on. But she has to say that this time she feels a bit numb, still in a state of shock, really. Although she doesn't feel that her world has ended, not completely. She supposes that the light at the end of the tunnel, though not very bright, is at least still there. They say that it never hurts as much after the first time you‘re hurt by someone leaving, and she supposes there's an element of truth in that. They also say that every time you get hurt the barriers go up a little bit higher and you end up being hard and cynical, and not giving anything to anyone.

She still loves him with every ounce of her heart. She just doesn't let it get to her anymore.

It took her a while to understand the beauty of just letting go.

You never stop loving someone. It's more of just learning to deal with the pain of not having them anymore.

When you lose someone you love, you never get over it. You just get used to it.

The girl with auburn hair and dark brown eyes was all of twenty-eight years in age. She'd fallen in love with her high school sweetheart, Billy. One year older then herself. A shaggy brownish blonde haired boy with the most beautiful pair of green eyes she had ever seen in her life. What drew her to him were those eyes. They spoke of pain, sorrow and anguish and of horrors that no boy that young should have to see. He may have been young, but his eyes seemed older. It was almost as if he had to grow up before he ever got a chance to enjoy his adolescence, like he had no other choice.

Everyone said she was a fool for someone such as herself to give any of her time to a boy like him. Her teachers, her friends and most importantly…her parents, but she never listened for she knew better. She saw passed his hardened façade and looked into his soul and found what she knew was there all along. He may not be book smart, but he’s street smart and in her opinion that’s a hell of a lot more useful than anything you’ll ever learn in school.

Once you got to know him, you would see that he truly was not a bad guy. Well, okay, he may have been somewhat of a badass, but that was just him and the way he was raised. His circumstances and surroundings demanded as such. Coming from the neighborhood he came from, you would not survive if you were not tough. It was as simple as that.

Feast or famine, it’s the one universal rule that everyone lives by.

Maybe that was all he needed, was someone to actually take the time and see him. The real him and not the mask he wore for everyone else. He always tried to be so strong all the time. He never let anyone see him falter…ever. He had this hate them before they hate you sort of attitude. He was always so calm, cool and collected, but never with her. With her he could be the man he truly was rather than what everyone expected him to be.

He didn’t do anything wrong. Not really anyway.

Sometimes you just can’t beat yourself up, you can’t win. You can’t choke the thoughts that are causing waves of doubt to control your body and leave you in a shaking frenzy. You can’t kill the wolves of restlessness tearing up your mind and making you spend portions of your day, crouched over the toilet and sobbing. You can’t drown the dissatisfaction that sings to you with every heartbeat and steals you away from the world you belong, into a dark place where you know nothing’s right. You can’t help but wonder, in those intimate moments when you find yourself unable to sleep and you feel like you’re the only person in the world, if this really is what you want.

Just thinking about him caused waves of memories to crash over her.

Memories of much happier times between the two of them.

Elizabeth’s parents were still at work so she had invited Billy over after school. If her parents knew that Billy was in their house they would have a shit fit. It was practically a covert mission getting him into the house because the neighbors were like spies. Billy was not exactly the type of man that a mother and father would pick for their child.

In their eyes he was nothing more than a hoodlum and a juvenile delinquent. In their words, the only thing he had to look forward to in his bleak future was a life behind bars, but they could never be more wrong. If they just took the time to see past all of that they would see how incredible of a person he truly was and what he had to offer, which was a damn hell of a lot in her opinion.

So many people have given up on him in life and she would be damned if she would be another.

Besides, it was not as if he had any control over who he was. If anyone should be blamed for Billy’s behavior it should be his father. If he could even be called that. Elizabeth did not know all of the details concerning Billy’s relationship with his father, but from the information she gathered, it was not your atypical loving father and son relationship. From what little information Billy had told her, it was more of a business relationship.

She had shed tears as he recalled the details during one of their candid conversations the abuse he had to endure as a child at the hands of his father. His father had always looked at him and his brother as the reasons why his mother had committed suicide and never once missed an opportunity in reminding them of that. It was almost as if he were punishing them for her death. He abused them not only physically, but mentally as well. It was no wonder they turned out the way they had. With a father such as that, Billy would not have survived if he did not learn to be tough at an early age. He had to numb himself to feeling any emotion whatsoever to make it through those times. Maybe that’s why his father did it. To make him mean and vicious…just like him. Misery loves company as they say, but no matter what he thought. Billy was nothing like him. She had never personally met the man, nor did she want to, but she knew for a fact that Billy was absolutely nothing like his father. Billy still had his heart. That she was sure of.

Like with most sons and fathers, it was as if Billy was always constantly striving for his father’s acceptance and approval, regardless of what he may have thought of him.

Elizabeth knew Billy loathed his father. Whenever he spoke of him, which was not very much, his voice was filled with so much venomous hate and anger. His eyes would cast over in an icy countenance . She could feel the heat emanating from him. It was the only time she was ever really frightened of him. Just looking into his eyes at that moment instilled fear in her unlike she has ever felt before. It was almost as if he were going to snap at any moment.

At times Billy reminds her of a ticking time bomb ready to detonate at any given moment. His silence scares her. Do not take her words at face value. She is not frightened of him, but more like for him. She is not naïve in the least. She knows what kind of life he leads and what he is involved in. She sees the people he surrounds himself with and knows they’re criminals.

Just as she knows that he is one himself…

Billy softly calling out her name snaps Elizabeth out of her reverie.

"Mmm," she lazily replied, already knowing what he wanted. "What?"

"Come sit next to me, I'm lonely." He said, pretending to be miserable.

Elizabeth grinned, knowing perfectly well that he was faking his sadness, decided to tease him a little.

"I'm sure you're fine the way you are, all by your lonesome."

"I'd be even better if you came and sat next to me!" He whispered in a gentle yet commanding tone. She loved his voice. It was so enthralling, captivating and soulful. It was so deep and masculine and the drawl of his Boston accent made it even more so. It only added to the laundry list of things about him she loved.

Hearing the smile behind the pretend-anger, she said, "What if I don't want to? What if I am happy right where I am sitting right now? What if –"

"Enough with your 'what ifs'," he said, cutting her off by picking her up off the love seat she was comfortably sitting on, and putting her down on top of him on another couch, "I want you to sit next to me!"

"Demanding aren't we? I have every right to move away from you right now." Elizabeth said, knowing right away that Billy saw her trying to hide her huge smile.

"Don’t." He whispered, shaking his head.

"Don't what?" she replied, slightly confused.

"Don't hide your smile." He whispered in his deep gruff tone that never ceased to send chills down her spine.

Because of the position he put them in, his lips were so close to her ear, she felt them pronounce every word he uttered, making her shiver.

“Why are ya with a guy like me? A girl like you could get any guy she wants. Why are ya wasting ya time with a fuck up like me, hmm?” He asked her as he idly twirled a piece of her hair around his finger. He never missed an opportunity to touch her hair. It was as if he was fascinated with it for some unknown reason.

It was a question he asks her often and she always gives him the same reply, “Cause I love you, that’s why and I belong with you.”

Turning to face him, every doubt she ever had concerning Billy, flew right out of her mind. The fact that he loved her was written so clearly in his eyes. He had such unique eyes, she can never quite get used to the butterflies they gave her, such a unique shade of green…

"I love you so much, Lizzie." His head was bowed as if in shame and he was staring down into his lap as he said the words she had longed to hear ever since she discovered she felt the same.

"I love you too, Billy." She breathlessly said. "Promise me that nothing will ever come between us, that nothing will tear us apart, promise me."

"I promise." His usually raspier voice seemed even more so as he stared deeply into her eyes with conviction. It was at that moment she experienced an epiphany of sorts. It was something she knew all along. This was the man she was to spend the rest of her life with.

And he sealed his promise with a kiss.

God, his kisses…the things she felt when he kissed her was like no other she's ever felt and his touches. Even a mere touch of his fingertips sent shockwaves throughout her entire nerve system. He could do something as simple as look at her and it would make her knees feel like jelly, but maybe it had moreso to do with what she felt for him than anything else. For when you love and care for someone as deeply as she did for Billy, every look, every touch, every smile and every word is special.

She smiled through her tears as another fond memory crept into her mind.

It was their first night together in their new apartment and they had just finished making love. Her head was resting upon his chest and his arm was wrapped protectively around her waist. Her entire body was practically draped over him, almost like a human blanket. It was a habit of theirs whenever they lay down together. It made her feel so safe being wrapped in his warm embrace and although he would never admit it aloud, it made him feel safe as well. She could tell just by looking into his eyes. He was more relaxed when he was around her. It was as if her presence calmed and soothed him. He had once told her that when he was with her, she made him feel like he was apart of something real for the very first time. With her he did not have to maintain this hardened persona he had out in the streets in front of his gang because there was no need to for she knew the real him. She loved him despite his flaws just as he loved her for hers.

Elizabeth was so blissfully happy she could barely contain her joy. They had finally done what they had been speaking about for years. They had moved in together. There was no more worrying about lying to her parents and sneaking around behind their backs and listening to their incessant nagging and preaching all of the time.
Now it was just the two of them, as she had always dreamed it to be. There was no one else whom she had to answer to. Of course, her parents were not exactly thrilled with the idea of her shacking in with a man they affectionately called, “a no good thug”, but she could care less with what they thought anymore. She was old enough to make her own decisions. They practically gave her an ultimatum, Billy or them. She could not believe their audacity. It was her life and she would live it any damn way she chose and that’s just what she told them.

Well, it was heedless to say that did not go over too well. In fact, she was pretty sure her parents wanted nothing to do with her ever again and that was fine by her. If they loved her enough, they would see how happy he makes her. Them being in love themselves, they should understand where she is coming from. They are so arrogant and pompish. They see only with their eyes rather than with their heart. Sure, she understands where they are coming from. That they only have her best interests at heart, but she just wished they would have faith in her.

Faith in them…

Elizabeth tightly closed her eyes as tears began to silently fall down her cheeks. She quickly wiped them away for fear that he would see them. The last thing she wanted was for him to see her sad on what was supposed to be a happy day. Well, for the two of them at least.

Billy tightly wrapped his arm around her waist and pulled her closer to his body than she all ready was and lightly kissed the crown of her head.

Even amidst her sadness she could not control her body to reacting when she felt the planes of his hard muscle. He had gained a lot more muscle over the years that they have been together. Muscles and tattoos. He must have had over a hundred tattoos. She should know. She had spent many nights languidly running her hands, mouth and tongue over every single one of them. They covered him from head to toe, almost like tribal tattoos. She liked the tattoos on him. She thought they made him look sexier and more ruggedly handsome. If that could even be humanly possible.
Billy and other members of his “gang” all had similar tattoos as well. She found it all amusing really how they all dressed the same. She had to laugh when she saw them walking down the street all wearing identical black shades.

Elizabeth had to admit seeing him walking down the street wearing that long leather trench coat, with those black shades on and a cigarette hanging limply from his lips was a sight to behold. He had this raw animal magnetism. He did not walk. Pounce, tread, and stalk would be more like it. He walked down those streets like he owned them and maybe in a lot of ways…he did. He had a predatory stance of a lion with the fierceness to match. He exuded not only confidence, charisma, and power, but also bravery most of all. She could definitely see why people followed him and called them their leader. Shit, she would follow him anywhere, without even a question.
It made her feel so damn proud to call him her man. His name alone struck fear within many. To everyone else he was this larger than life character, a force to be reckoned with. To her he was just this simple man with honest hopes and dreams like everyone else. He just had an entirely different way of accomplishing things, which usually ended him up in some unwanted trouble most of the time. She knew that he was involved in some shady deals, but it was his life and who was she to judge? Besides, he never involved her in that side of his life. What he did out on those streets was off limits to her. He would never speak a word of it to her. She learned that lesson the hard way when she tried to get him to be upfront and honest about what he really did when he was not with her. She all ready had a pretty good idea, she just wanted to hear it come from him, but he refused to tell her.

It was not as if he were maliciously trying to shut her out. It was as if he were protecting her from that world. He had told her the less she knew of it, the better. In a way, it was almost as if he were ashamed to tell her. It was like he was guilty of something. The unabashed shame in his eyes told her that he did not want her to think any less of him. She was the only person in this world whose approval and opinion counted to him.

Did he know that she would always love him no matter what he did? Nothing could ever change that. Nothing. So, just as she always had done. She digressed and not a word was spoke of it ever again. Anyway, she all ready had a pretty good idea of what he was doing. She was not stupid. She knew the money he was making did not come from working at his father’s garage that was for damn sure. She knew that the money he was making was from selling drugs. She knew what kind of people he hung around with. People in this neighborhood talk and she listens, but she would play the good little unsuspecting girlfriend…for now. The less she knew, the better. In a lot of ways, she would much rather not know. She just hoped and prayed that he would be careful out there, but she knew there was really no need to worry. He could take care of himself.

It was others whom she was afraid of.

Her only qualm she had with him was that he had shaven his head quite recently. She will never forget the stunned look she gave him when she got into his car and saw that he was bald. When she asked him why he had done it. He just shrugged his shoulders and said, “Cause I felt like it.” She figured that was as a sufficient enough answer she was going to get out of him. and it was left at that. Not another word was said about it.

He lovingly kissed her forehead, letting his lips linger for a minute before pulling away and whispered in her ear, “Ya all right, baby?”

Elizabeth nodded her head and smiled, “Yeah, I’m fine. I want to stay like this forever,” she sighed, kissing the top of his head, which felt a little too weird to her considering there was no longer any hair up there.

Billy let out a deep chuckle, “Whatever ya want, ya got it.”

"What do you see when you picture yourself 10 years from now?" She asked him.

"I can't picture my life that far off…who knows what can happen." He shrugged and replied with a laugh. She had always loved his laugh. "Why do you want to know?"

”Just think and tell me. Whatever comes to mind."

He sighed exasperatingly and rolled his eyes, “Come on, Lizzie. Ya know I’m not one for all that fuckin Kodak bullshit. “

Elizabeth smiled and nodded, “I know. Ya wanna know what I see?”

Billy nodded, “Yeah…I do.”

She leaned her head up from his chest and gazed dreamily up at him, "Okay…well I'll be 31 by then, so I see a house, maybe a kid or two running around in it, and I see myself working with kids, you know how much I love them. I see trees surrounding my home, friendly neighbors, everyone knowing each other type of thing. But mostly, I see us together," She leaned up and gently caressed his face, running her fingers through his goatee and tracing her fingertips lovingly over his scar upon his jaw, "I see you as their father, chasing them around the house, talking to neighbors about how you've just upgraded something on that car of yours, you do love cars," she laughed, "I see myself having a life with you." She concluded shyly.

All of the sudden, he tore his head out of her grasp and let out an embittered laugh, “That’s a beautiful dream, honey, but ya know that’s all it is. It’s just what-” He shook his head, muttered an obscenity and heaved a laborious sigh, saying not another word, choosing to remain silent.

He sat up in the bed, swinging his legs over the side of it with his back facing her.

Elizabeth sprung up from the bed and gently grasped his shoulders, "Just what?" she thought she had said too much, because as she peeked over his shoulder she noticed that he was frowning. He had that far away look in his eyes once again.

Elizabeth grabbed his face, placing her hands upon both sides of his cheeks, forcing him to look at her, “What did I say? What’s the matter?” He kept his eyes cast downward, refusing to look anywhere near her vicinity, “Talk to me, Billy. Tell me what I said wrong.”

Billy slowly lifted his head and had a wide grin on his face, "It's just that…I want more than one car. I mean one car? We'll have a big house, so I can actually chase our kids around. And definitely two cars. Maybe one of them will be yours, ya don’t know how to drive for shit so- Hey!" he was suddenly thrown off guard by her chucking a pillow at his head.

She shook her head and sighed in relief, “You’re a fucking dumbass, ya know that?”

He pointed his finger in her face and said in a mock authoritative tone, “Hey, what’d I tell ya bout cursing? Ya too pretty to have a mouth like that.”

Elizabeth smiled and pouted, “Oh, I’m so sorry. Guess ya gonna have to spank me now, huh?”

Billy grinned and shrugged, “I bet you’d like that wouldn’t ya?”

She nodded, ‘I would, but then again, so would you.”

They both looked at one another and began to burst out in boisterous laughter.

He cupped her small face in his large hands and slowly began rubbing her cheekbones in idle circles. He looked directly into her eyes and whispered, “I want all that too. Ya don’t fuckin know how much. I never knew I wanted all that til I met ya. I’m gonna give ya that, I swear I will. “ He leaned over and kissed her forehead before he whispered in her ear, “Someday we’ll have everything.”

She smiled and closed her eyes as he rested his forehead against hers, reveling in how utterly perfect this moment was, "I'm not that bad of a driver by the way!"

"Ya kind of are." Joked Billy.

"Well then, you suck."

"But ya love me."

"I do." She answered softly.

"I know." He whispered as he gently eased her back down onto the bed rolling himself atop of her as they once again got lost in their passion for one another.

Now sitting here seven years later, all she could think about was Billy. Why did this have to happen, they were supposed to be together forever, with nothing being able to tear them apart! They were supposed to be inseparable.

His other life, that was the only thing hindering them from making a life together, stopping them from following their dreams for the future.

Elizabeth should have left before it got as far as it had. She should not have made herself oblivious and ignored the signs. She should have left as soon as their problems began. She should have taken her friends’ advice and left, but like a fool she stayed thinking that they could salvage their relationship, like all couples they were just going through a rough patch and would get through it. With just enough time, patience, understanding and most of all…love, they would make their way through the darkness and ease into the light at the end of the very long tunnel.

When she lie in bed, her eyes always averted sideways to the unoccupied side of the bed, which always seemed to be vacant . He was never home and when he was, it was only for short intervals at a time to change his clothes or get a shower. He had become nothing more than a stranger to her. It was as if they were roommates more than lovers.

Elizabeth rolled her eyes and scoffed, thinking to herself, Even fucking roommates conversed more than we did.

Little did she know it would only be the beginning of their problems.

She shook her head and let out an embittered laugh.

How the hell could she have been so fucking stupid?

She recalled that fateful night two years ago. The night when her entire world as she knew it came crumbling down around her.

It was almost midnight when Elizabeth got home from working a double shift at the diner. She was so exhausted all she wanted to do was get in the bed and sleep the rest of the night away. When Billy discovered she had a job, he was furious. He told her that she did not need to work, that he made enough money to take care of her. While that may have been true, she did not want to live off of his charity. She liked to contribute in some way. It made her feel like she was actually doing something useful instead of sitting around all day spending his money like all of his other friends’ girlfriends’ do. She refused to be like those other women that see their men as nothing more than cash cows. It was downright demeaning and sickening in her opinion. It made them nothing more than prostitutes in her eyes.

When she walked into their apartment, she was not surprised to find it empty. In fact, it had gotten to the point where she was somewhat used to it. It was just something she had expected when she returned to their home.

Their home, if one could even call it that. It was more or less just a place to sleep in her eyes. It stopped being a home a long time ago. She could not really pinpoint when it all had changed. It started transitioning little by little. He would go out with his boys and say he would be back later and sometimes would never return until the wee hours of the morning. That is if he even came home at all. She would know this because she would spend the whole night waiting up for him, until she could no longer do so and succumbed to her exhaustion.

When he finally did decide to come home, he was so wasted and tired that he would crash right onto the couch. She could not remember the last time he had slept in the same bed with her. Shit, she could not even recall the last time he had touched or kissed her. It was a far cry from the way he once used to be with her. There was a time when he could barely keeps his hands off of her. He used to always have to be touching her. Whether it a slight caress or just a touch upon her shoulder. It was as if he needed to know she was there, right at his fingertips. He needed that constant connection with her and know she was there and not some figment of his imagination. She knows this for she feels the same way.

When did it suddenly all change? What had she done wrong to make him act so distant and cold towards her?

Elizabeth flicked the switch on the wall, illuminating the living room in a soft light. She threw her car keys onto the table near the door and heaved a laborious sigh.

Well, here’s to yet another evening alone. She thought to herself.

She’s sort of used to it by now anyway for that’s the only thing she can do. She knows that she should leave him, but she just cannot bring herself to do so. She clings to the hope that one day the man she fell in love with will resurface once again and everything will go back to the way it once was.

Ignorance is bliss, is it not?

She treaded through the living room and down the hallway into their bedroom. She kicked her shoes off and discarded her dingy clothes into the waste basket that smelled of day old grease, cigarette smoke and Lord knows what else.

Elizabeth sighed happily and closed her eyes as she stepped under the hot spray of the shower, letting the tensions of the day slowly wash away and evaporate in the steam. It felt so good to finally get a shower. She felt so relaxed at this point. She was going to sleep well tonight, regardless if she was alone or not because frankly, she was just too exhausted to care at this point.

After her shower, she quickly got dressed in a pair of gray drawstring yoga pants and a purple spaghetti strap shirt. She was putting her wet hair in a braid when she heard the indestinctable sound of someone scurrying about in the living room.

Her eyes widened in alarm, wondering whom in the hell it could be. She was sure that she had locked the door. It was the first thing she did as soon as she got into the house. In the kind of neighborhood that they lived in, you had to if you did not want to wake in the middle of the night with someone trying to cut your throat. That may seem like a very harsh assessment, but it was the God’s honest truth.

She thought maybe it was Billy, but it was only one in the morning. That was far too early for him. He has not returned home this early in almost two years, why would he start now?

Thinking it was better to be safe than sorry, Elizabeth immediately ran over to her dresser and opened her top underwear drawer, getting out the .38 caliber pistol she kept there that Billy had given to her for protection over two years ago. He even taught her how to use it if the need arose. He made sure she carried it with her at all times.

At first, she did not feel right accepting it, but he had told her that it would make him feel a lot better knowing she had something to defend herself with if he was not there to keep her safe. Billy was always a little overly paranoid when it came to certain things, especially her. Maybe he had to be considering the type of business he was in. He had made a lot of enemies over the years and there were people out there whom wanted him dead. That was the sole reason why he hated her working. Shit, he did not even like it when she stepped out of the apartment. He was just always afraid that something was going to happen to her, but she refused to live her life in fear.

The pistol felt heavy and foreign in her hands and cold. She hated guns. She loathed violence in general. It caused nothing but pain, anguish, and dehumanization in her eyes. She witnesses firsthand everyday what violence can do to people. The world would be a much better place without it, but that’s not the way we as humans work.

It’s a dog eat dog world out there.

She gripped it as tightly as she could for her palms were sweaty and she was afraid it may fall out of her hands.

She needed to grip the weapon with both hands for it weighed so heavily. She wondered how in the hell Billy could carry almost five of these in his jacket every goddamned day and she could barely handle one. It was just a testament to how much strength he had. She also took into account that he had over two hundred and sixty five pounds of muscle and was over six foot two and she weighed nothing more than one fifteen and was only five foot six.

Elizabeth slowly tiptoed out of the bedroom making sure she was as quiet as possible as she made her way down the hallway. As soon as she got to the entrance of living room, she coyly peeked her head out and oddly found it to be empty, but if there was anything useful Billy had taught her it was never to take things at face value. Just because you cannot see something with your eyes, does not mean it isn’t there. He always used to say for her to trust her instincts for they’re usually right.

She began making her way into the living room, making sure to proceed with caution. She did not even take two steps before she felt someone wrapping their strong arms around her lower abdomen, taking the gun right from her hands. She tried to scream, but the unknown assailant covered her mouth with their large hand. The person unknown was so strong the she could barely move her limbs to break free. She had become paralyzed with fear. It was as if the soles of her feet were super glued to the carpet floor.

Never had she felt more frightened in all her years upon this Earth, but that fear quickly dissipated as soon as she heard that deep, gruff laugh in her ear. She would know that laugh anywhere. It was as if a two- ton weight had lifted off of her shoulders and every muscle in her body became lax once again, but her heart was still yet racing at an accelerating speed. Then again, that was nothing out of the ordinary whenever she was in his presence.

He removed his hand from her mouth and whispered in her ear, “Ya weren’t on guard. Didn’t ya fuckin remember anything that I taught ya? Ya woulda been dead by now if I were someone else.”

Elizabeth closed her eyes and let out a shaky breath. The pungent scent of whiskey on his hot breath and the stagnant stench of cigars, and cigarettes coalesced with marijuana hung heavily on his clothes, permeating the room, making her feel nauseous and light-headed. He undoubtedly just came from the Four Rose Bar or one of the strip clubs he most liked to frequent. She died a little inside and tears filled her eyes as the smell of cheap perfume wafted through her nose. Perfume that she herself would never be caught dead wearing. She had finally received the answer to the question she kept pondering for months now. The only reason why he was not interested in her sexually any longer was because he was getting it from somewhere else. That was the sole reason why he would never take her out to the clubs he went to. It would be like bringing a sandwich to an all you could eat buffet.

Amidst all of this, she could also make out another unique scent. It was this tangy, musky, almost pine scent. She truly could not pinpoint it exactly, but it enthralled her senses all the same. It was a very unique scent, one that she did not mind so much because it was all him…her Billy. She decided to focus on that one scent, letting it lull and soothe her wary mind.

He kept his arms tightly around her waist as he pulled her body flush against him.

She tried to break free of his grasp, but he was just too strong for her, “What the hell are you playing at, Billy? I’m too tired for your games right now.”

Billy let out a deep chuckle, “Oh really? I thought ya liked those kinda games.” She could not control the involuntary shiver that racked through her body when she felt him lightly bite the cartilage of her ear, “I thought ya liked it when I played rough.”

Elizabeth averted her head and sighed, “Don’t…”

“What? I thought this is what ya wanted.”

She shook her head and begged, “Not Like this. Not when you’re drunk. Just let me go…please. Didn‘t you get enough of that tonight?”

Billy sighed and relented. He unwound his arms from her waist. He stumbled over to the couch, dropping the gun haphazardly onto the coffee table.

He took his long leather trench coat off, throwing it too on the coffee table before he plopped down onto the couch heaving a laborious sigh.

Elizabeth remained in the spot where he left her, immobilized watching his every move. She watched in an almost mesmerized fascination as he lit a cigarette, taking a long deep drag. He kept his eyes straightforward looking directly at the wall in front of him. There is an icy glare in his eyes devoid of any warmth, affection or feeling whatsoever. She would never get accustomed to just how much he has changed over these last two years. He has become so unfeeling, uncaring and…hateful.

Those green eyes lacking the warmth that had been missing for over two years. Sometimes she expected to see them sparkling like they used to, before everything had changed. But every day she was met with the same pair of cold, hollow green eyes. Eyes that pierced her soul but never truly looked inside, eyes that burned deep within her mind each night as she begged for sleep.

It never came, all because of those eyes.

“Where were you tonight?” She asked him.

Billy shrugged, “Just out with the boys. What the fuck is it to you?”

Elizabeth nodded and scoffed, “Right. Let’s add that to our list of things we don’t talk about. Ya know something? That list gets bigger everyday and I hate it. Is there anything at all that you can tell me?”

He gave her one of his infamous venomous glares before he averted his eyes straightforward to the wall in front of him.

She sighed as she looked at him hopelessly.

How could she get the man she fell in love with back? Or was that man just a dream? A fantasy she had concocted in her foolish young idyllic mind? Maybe this truly was the man he was and her had heart deceived her, blinding her to what has been right in front of her eyes all along. Could it be that she had just fallen in love with a beautiful life?

If there is one thing she had learned it is that you cannot change a man’s behavior no matter what you do. He will only use it against you later.

That sweet young man she had fallen in love with is gone. His place taken by a cold, uncaring man. As smart and brilliant as the other one, but uncaring…too uncaring. Those warm arms that once made her feel so protected, safe, worshipped and loved no longer hold her and his face no longer shows her his beautiful smile that she loved so much. His friendship no longer belongs to her. That’s what she misses the most, their friendship. They used to talk to one another about everything. They were one another’s most trusted confidant. She truly misses her friend. When did he become someone else? When did he change? Can he not see that this is killing her? She cannot believe that he does because if he did, he would know what this is doing to her…

To them…

A chill darted down her spine when he turned his eyes to her, pinning her with his penetrating gaze leaving goosebumps in its wake. It wasn’t the good chill, the kind you get after something nice happens. It was the kind that makes you sick to your stomach.

Billy took a deep drag of his cigarette and shook his head, “I don’t know what the fuck’s the matter with ya anymore.”

Elizabeth scoffed and looked at him incredulously, “Me? You have the nerve to ask me that question? How dare you, Billy.”

She walked over to the couch and took a seat next him, grasping his large hand in her tiny ones, “Does it hurt you to know that we haven't spoken to each other in days? Does it hurt you to know we can't look at each other without looking away? Does it hurt you to know that everything we had as friends is gone? Does it hurt? 'Cause it's hurting me. It hurts me to know that you would rather pay some whore to sleep with you when you could have me for free.” She swallowed the large lump that was in her throat and whispered, “Sometimes you look at me like you wish I wasn't there, like you wish I'd just disappear. Do you even love me anymore?”

Billy kept his head bowed, refusing to look at her. The cloud of silence hung heavily in the room above them. The tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife.

He ripped his hand out of her grasp and sprung up from the couch, stomping over to the windowsill. He braced both of his hands upon the wall, keeping his back facing her.

“What the hell do ya want from me, Lizzie?” He asked her. His voice was tinged with what could only be discerned as desperation and…hopelessness.

The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can't have them.

Elizabeth shrugged, “I just want to know where we stand. If we’re going to survive this. If we can't find a way out of these problems, then maybe we don't need this.”

She got up off of the couch and walked over to where he was standing. She cautiously placed her hand upon his back. He was much taller than her that she had to go upon her tiptoes to reach him, “I miss you, Billy. I miss us and what we had. The way we used to be. Can we ever get that back?”

Billy sighed and shook his head, “Come on, don’t fucking start with that shit again. I don’t feel like hearing it.”

Elizabeth nodded her head, “Yeah, you usually don’t, but I’m sick and tired of hearing that excuse. I’m sick and tired of it all to tell you the truth. You coming home at six in the morning, that is if you ever fucking decide come home at all. I’m sick and tired of worrying if I’m going to get a call saying you were found shot dead somewhere. I’m sick of lying to the police every time they come here looking for you. Isn't it horrible that I want you to break up with me? I want you to end the pain, and worrying. I don't want to lose you, ever, but I can't lose my mind.”

He whipped around in a lightening flash and he breathed in slowly, the hateful stare he was firing at her showing a flash of fear.

“If ya fucking wanna go so bad then what the hell‘s stopping ya?” he exclaimed.

She was trembling uncontrollably. She didn’t know what he was going to do. She was dreading the pain of his hand colliding with her face, the sound of his voice amplified with fury, but that was crazy. No matter how angry he was, she knew he would never lay a hand on her. He had made a promise to her long ago that never would he do anything to hurt her and she still trusted and had enough faith in him that he would keep his promise.

She shook her head, averting her eyes from the solid mass of anger standing right in front of her.

He grasped her shoulders and whispered vehemently “Don't hate me because I wasn't who you thought I was or wanted me to be. From start to finish, you never knew who I was. You don't really know who I am, you only know who you want me to be.”

Elizabeth bowed her head as fresh tears began spilling from her eyes. At that moment, every conviction she ever held dear to her heart suddenly became all a lie, a mere fabrication of a disillusioned mind and the man standing before her now was nothing more than a stranger.

She once read a tale about a guy who brought an apple to art class, in which everybody was supposed to draw fruit.

The rest of the class had brought fruit, but that guy's apple was so bright, beautiful, and glossy like an apple mirror, that he became a hero in the class. But the teacher said, "This kind of apple is awful-tasting. It's the ones that are slightly marred that are the delicious ones."

So... aren't appearances everything? To be honest, she can't believe in beauty that comes from within.

Not anymore…

She tried to drudge up as much strength as she could at the moment to keep him from seeing her shed tears, but she was just too tired to fight them any longer. She bowed her head as the tears began falling freely from her eyes.

He just stood there in front of her, emotionless, staring right at her. It was as if he could care less what she was feeling at the moment. She wished more than anything that she knew what was going through his mind at that moment. There was once a time when she could do exactly that, but now she did not think she could muster the energy to delve into his mind. Hell, even the most brilliant Harvard psychologist would probably deem him a lost cause.

When someone you love abandons you, it doesn't hurt just because they've changed, or lied, or went back on their promises. But because you know what they really are and what a beautiful person they can be. And when they take that away from you and won't let you see that beautiful person again, nothing hurts more than having someone just decide to take your entire world away without consulting you first.

Billy sighed, “Don’t cry for me if ya don’t fuckin know what the tears are for.”

Elizabeth raised her head defiantly and wiped the tears from her eyes, “I love you Billy, and I probably always will, but we go days without having a meaningful conversation. And I used to miss you so much when that happened but it never seemed like you missed me. And I guess because of it I stopped missing you. It shouldn't be like this. I'm sorry. I can't do this anymore.”

“Then why are you still with me then, huh?” He asked her.

She shook her head and sighed, ‘I don’t know. I used to, but not anymore. We can't talk to each other like we used to, there's just some things we can't say. The last year of my life has been like this wide-awake nightmare of conflicting emotions. But no matter how bad it got, one thing kept me going. Us. Our bond, our connection, whatever you want to call it. It made me feel like I wasn't alone, like I was part of something special. So I'm not whining about being friends or not being friends. It's just that...for the first time in my life... I'm not feeling that connection anymore. And it scares me.”

Elizabeth stood on her tiptoes and grasped his face in her hands, forcing him to look directly into her eyes, “Is this the way things are gonna be between us from now on? I mean, you -- me, we're exactly the way we've always been and I am so tired of it. I just don't know how we got here. Our entire relationship, I have gone above and beyond for you, for us. I've cooked, I've picked your shit up off the floor, I've laid your clothes out for you like you're a four year old. I support you, I supported your work. I lie to the cops whenever they come to the apartment or my work looking for you. I take care of everything. And I just don't feel like you appreciate any of it. I don't feel you appreciate me. All I want is to know, is for you to show me that you care. Why can’t you show me that? ”

Billy tore his head out of her hands and stalked away from her, “I never fucking do anything right do I, Lizzie? Billy Darly, the all around first class fuck up, that’s me, huh?”

She shook her head, “No, I would never say that. Those are your father’s words, not mine. I never thought of you like that and you know it. We love each other, don’t we? Doesn’t that mean we did it right?”

He shrugged his shoulders with his back facing her, “I don’t know fucking anything anymore. “

“So what do we do now?” Elizabeth asked him. She was really surprised with how calm her and steady her voice was, considering how frazzled her nerves were.

Billy nonchalantly shrugged his shoulders once again, but chose to remain silent as he walked into the kitchen and over to the refrigerator.

Her hands balled into tight fists at her sides and she gritted her teeth in anger. How in the hell could he be so passive about everything? Didn’t she mean anything at all to him? Didn’t he love her enough to want to fight for what they had? She truly does not know why she is with him any longer. She used to, but not anymore. It’s not that she just misses him. She just misses the person who she thought he was, which is an entirely different dilemma altogether.

Elizabeth watched him as he began discarding items from the refrigerator onto the floor, all the while muttering obscenities to himself.

“Don’t we have any fucking beer in here?” He asked her.

She crossed her arms over her chest and scoffed, “No. Why would I buy it? I don’t drink it. It would be useless to buy considering I’m the only one that lives here.”

Billy slammed the refrigerator door, causing her to jump in fright. He slammed it so harshly that the entire thing shook, which was an amazing feat to do considering it took over four people to carry it up the long flight of stairs.

He began opening up the cabinets, not even bothering to close them. Her eyes widened and she gasped aloud in shock as he began throwing dishes onto the linoleum floor, causing them to shatter in a million pieces. She had never seen him this angry before. Of course she had seen him at some of his worst times, but never like this. He was going on a rampage like a madman. It took all of the willpower she had within her not to walk over and try to comfort him. The best thing she decided would be to do was just to stand there and let him vent, knowing that this is something he had to go through himself.

Elizabeth did not know how long she stood there watching him, but just as soon as he started, he stopped. His back was to her and she could see his shoulders heaving up and down. She could hear him take a few deep breaths as if to compose himself. When he turned around to face her, he had that cool, calm and collected demeanor once again and that icy glare in his eyes she was used to seeing as of late.

He walked passed her to grab his coat off of the coffee table.

“Let me guess, you’re going out again.”

Billy put on his coat and ignored her question, pretending as if she did not even exist.

Maybe in his eyes, she didn’t.

Before he got to the door, she grabbed his coat sleeve, making him stop dead in his tracks, “No, you’re not running away again. Not this time. Running away from our problems isn’t going to solve anything, Billy.”

He looked at her hand clenching his coat sleeve as if it were a foreign object and whispered menacingly, “Get the hell off of me.”

A chill ran down Elizabeth’s spine caused by the way his voice sounded. Her eyes widened and she immediately dropped her hand from his arm as if it were on fire. There was something in the way his voice sounded that frightened her. For the first time in their ten year relationship, she was actually afraid of him and what he might do.

“You always used to say to me that you hated your father for everything that he did to you, but you want to know something? You’re just like him.”

Elizabeth’s eyes widened and she gasped aloud in shock at her words. As angry as she was with him, she truly did not mean to hurt him so maliciously. She was just not thinking clearly at the moment. The last thing she ever wanted to do was use his father against him. The one man that has been the driving force to everything that he is becoming.

In lightening speed, Billy rotated around to face her and backslapped her right upon her cheek. The brutal force of the blow caused her to fall down onto the floor. She made no attempts to move from the ground. She just held her face in her hands with her head bowed.

What made the situation ever far worse was that he did not make any attempt to adhere to her aide, nor did he even ask her if she was all right. Maybe it was due to the fact that he didn’t care one way or another what happened to her.

Billy said not another word to her. He walked out the door, slamming it shut behind him. All that could be heard was the sound of his heavy boots stomping down the steps.

As she laid there on the floor at that moment, she knew right then at that moment it was over. The realization should have been a painful one, but oddly enough it was sort of a relief. A relief to finally know where they stand. The incessant worrying and constant doubt was over. She could now move on with her life.

She should have known it would be like this. How could she be naïve enough to think that it would last? That they would have that happily ever after she so desperately craved for them. Maybe her parents were right and the realization that she was now all alone, hit her with such a force that felt like she were hit in the gut.

What hurts is that she knows she can love him so much better than this. But, he gives less than she does. Why should she keep giving everything? Eventually they know it' was going to end, so for now she’s going to stop giving, and let him feel what she’s felt this whole time they’ve been together. In the end, the person who gives the most is the one who ends up getting hurt, and she’s so sick of being the one with tears in her eyes.

You can feel when someone you hold close to your heart is slipping away, little by little. It's when the mere thought of losing a friend can bring you to tears almost instantly. The pain you are beginning to feel can crush your entire heart. Yet everything that you try to do to solve the problems only push them further and further away from you. When the only chance of getting back to the way things were in the beginning is to hope this person realizes what they may be losing.

Elizabeth packed her things that night and left, never looking back.

go onto next part

Life's Lesson: A Death Sentence Fic

Sun, 16 Sep 2007 05:27:47 GMT

Now here she is two years later…alone and she is okay with that. Really, she is. She has finally gotten to the point where she can say with the utmost confidence that she is one hundred percent okay.

It's not like she's forgotten about him. She's just dealing with the pain...and the crazy thing about it is: she'd take him back, but the fool in him that walked out is the fool who just won't ask.

They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them and an entire lifetime to forget them.

Moving on is simple, it's what you leave behind that's hard.

She hears thunder rumbling in the distance, signaling the beginning of another storm. The sky was painted a vibrant purple, flecked with charcoal-colored rain clouds.

The room felt very hot and stuffy. She got up from her bed and walked over to the window to open it. Through her open window the scent of crisp winter rain wafted into her room, filling her lungs and offering her a temporary sense of comfort. Lightning flashed threateningly across the sky, illuminating her darkened room.

Another night she sat alone, staring out into the night sky, the ever-familiar feeling of discontentment settling itself within her chest.

As she turned away from the window and began walking back to her bed, she caught a glimpse of the one photograph of him she kept open in plain view. All of the others had been stashed away in a box that she had hidden underneath the floorboards in her closet, along with various other things that reminded her of him. Somehow, though, she couldn't seem to pack away the photo that rested comfortably on her bedside table. Soundlessly, she walked over to the table and lifted the photo from it, holding it delicately in her hands. She stared at it for what seemed like hours, carefully memorizing every detail and storing them in the back of her mind so she could remember it always.

It was her favorite picture of them.

It was a picture Elizabeth had taken during one of their outings to the park. Almost every night they would take a stroll in the park. He would have his arm wrapped around her shoulders while hers would be around his waist. They would have some of their best talks during those walks about everything and anything. Their hopes and dreams for their future…together. Sometimes they did not even talk at all. They just walked around in comfortable silence, just enjoying the contentment of being in one another’s company.

On one particular time she remembered bringing a camera along to take some pictures of the scenery. She had to practically beg him to take a picture with her. He was absolutely one hundred percent against getting his picture taken, but after some relentless nagging on her part, he gave in. She knew that he just did it to please her. To make her happy. That was just the sort of selfless man he was.

Or used to be.

They were both dressed in winter clothes. She had this ridiculous black knit cap on her head that he always used to tease her about and the wild curls she used to have stuck out of the cap in disarray. His hair was windblown, sticking in every which way direction and he had that gray and black scarf on that he always wore. She fondly remembered teasing him about him because he never took it off. Even when he was in doors. She used to call it his “security blanket”, much to his chagrin. She knew the only reason why he wore it was because she knitted it herself.

The two of them were seated on a bench. She was seated upon his lap with her head resting back against his shoulder as she stared up at him with a wide smile on her face. Both of his arms were wrapped tightly around her abdomen and his lips were rested lightly upon her forehead as he stared down at her, meeting her gaze. His smile was so beautiful, the look on his face could only be described as pure contentment and his eyes sparkled with only could be discerned as joy.

They were so young back then. She only sixteen, he seventeen. It was the happiest she could ever remember him being. They used to be so in love back then. They had so many odds stacked against them. So many naysayers and doubters, but they ignored them all. They had hurdled so many insurmountable obstacles to be together. It made all the hardships and sacrifices seem…worthless.

She placed the picture back on the bedside table, turning it facedown. She was truly not in the mood for reminiscing at the moment. Why in the hell she should spend her days agonizing over him? For she knew without a doubt that he could care less about her. He most likely had forgotten her by now and had some little crack whore to occupy his time with.

Elizabeth climbed back into her bed and pulled her knees close to her chest and wrapped her arms loosely around her legs, finding the position rather comfortable. She rested her chin lightly on her knees as she continued to stare out of her window, observing the storm that was currently raging outside. The bright flashes of lightning contrasting against the dark sky oddly soothed her, settling her weary mind. She had never found out why, but she’d always loved thunderstorms. The first storm she ever remember witnessing was during the summer when she was around five or six. She remember being happy then, staring out of her window, amazed by the scene that played out before her eyes.

Another crack of thunder resonated throughout the gelid night, pulling her abruptly from her thoughts. She sighed softly as rain began to fall, watching languidly as tiny droplets splashed onto the windowsill.

Elizabeth closed her eyes briefly, choosing to shut herself off from the world that surrounded her. There were so many things happening at once, but she paid them no mind. She had chosen to remain obstinately oblivious to everything going on around her, preferring naivety to awareness. Things worked better that way. She had learned that long ago.

With sleep the last thing on her mind, she got out of the bed and treaded out into the kitchen to make herself a cup of coffee.

With her steaming cup of coffee in her hands, she situated herself in front of the television.

This is where she remained in her new, smaller apartment on the other side of the city, engulfed in her new life now. The one where she had no real intentions of making another connection with anyone as deeply as she had with Billy. It had been a long time coming since she'd been back to the other side of the city. Back to their old apartment. There was nothing there for her any longer. The mere thought of the place pained her as she sat, staring forlornly at the TV screen.

Some rerun played across the screen. A comedy of some sort. She anxiously awaited any sort of comedy. Perhaps it could help ease her mind and her mood. She allowed herself to fall back into the news for the moment. She wasn't really thinking of him, or anything quite so painful as she sat there. Right now other troubles plagued her. But at this very moment, she let fantasy sweep her away into sarcastic jokes and goofy scenes being played out before her eyes on the screen now. Her eyes lit up and she giggled at the crazy actors up on the screen. So funny!

She stiffened up. Something was different. Familiar, but a change. Her eyes slowly turned from the screen to her front door ad a soft knock protruded upon her thoughts, causing her to slightly jump in surprise.

She shook her head confusingly. Who in the hell could that be at this late hour? She wondered to herself.

As if on automatic, she rose to her feet, crossed the room and pulled the door opened. Her eyes widened and she gasped aloud at the shock of whom she saw standing before her. Never in her wildest dreams did she ever think she would see him again.

go onto next part

Life's Lesson: A Death Sentence Fic

Sun, 16 Sep 2007 05:22:18 GMT

Elizabeth stared at him as if in shell shock. She was rendered speechless. This had to be some figment of her imagination. It just had to be. She closed her eyes briefly, hoping that this was just a dream she was having, but when she opened them, she was realized that she was not still lying in her bed. This was harsh reality. He was here, alive in the flesh.

He said absolutely nothing to her as he stood in her doorway. His head was bowed, staring directly down at his boots. It was such an odd thing. He looked exactly the same as he did when she left him. He was dressed in a tattered pair of dark denim baggy blue jeans with chains hanging off of the pockets, a baggy plain black t-shirt and his long leather trench coat she really liked on him. He had gold chains around his neck and flashy rings adorning his fingers to signify the dirty money he made by selling drugs. She also noticed what appeared to be a new tattoo he had on his neck. It looked to be yet another black tribal tattoo of some kind. It seemed to snake around his neck, but his shirt and jacket was obstructing her view from seeing the entire design.

She could smell the tobacco on him that she had become accustomed to over the years, as well as the faint scent of liquor, but oddly enough, she could not smell any perfume on him. Just his scent. It still had to same affect on her after all these years. It had the power to rile her senses and make her knees feel as if they would buckle at any given moment.

There they stood, both silent and still as statues. She tapped her foot and let out an exacerbated sigh. Someone had to end this and it looked as if he wasn’t going to anytime soon. They could not stand out here all night.

She shook her head in disbelief, “What are you doing here, Billy?”

He slowly lifted his head and she almost gasped aloud at the sight of seeing his face. There was now a thick jagged scar under his right eye near his nose that had not been there before, but it did nothing to mar his beauty. He was still the most handsome man she has ever laid her eyes upon. He still had the goatee and there was a shadow of a beard on his face as well indicating to her that he had not shaven for a few days. His face looked more hardened and weathered then she remembered it being and his eyes held a weariness she had not seen there before. He looked so tired, broken and lifeless.

Billy shrugged his shoulders, “I came to talk to ya. I didn‘t think ya would be up this late, but I saw ya light on.”

Elizabeth closed her eyes momentarily as an involuntarily shiver crept throughout her entire body at the sound of his voice. It has been so long since she had heard it. She forgotten how much she has missed it over these past two years.

Missed him…

She knew that she should turn him away after the way he had treated her, but for some reason, she just could not seem to form the words. Just looking at him, she could tell that there was something different in his demeanor. She could sense it. It was in the way he was standing there, so despondent and…desperate. It made her heart feel as if someone were clutching it in a tight fist. She knew the strength it must have taken him to show up at her door like this, she knew she couldn't turn him away without at least hearing what he had to say.

Elizabeth nodded and moved into the apartment, allowing him in. She closed the door and hurried back to the couch where she sat down instantly, as if the effort to stand in his presence was too much for her. He caused her insides to quiver and her entire being to warm.

Billy looked cautiously around the room as if discerning his surroundings. She shook her head, a ghost of a smile hinting upon her face. After all this time, he was still the ever paranoid one, but did she think that would change?

“Nice place.” He said softly.

She curtly nodded her head, “Thanks…it’s not much, but it’s mine. How did you find out where I lived?” She shook her head and chuckled, “Never mind. That’s a stupid question to ask. You can find out anything. You probably beat my landlord up or something.” Her eyes widened as she looked at him nervously, “You didn’t beat up my landlord did you?”

He shook his head, a slight chuckle escaping from his lips, “No…I’ve known where ya lived for awhile. “

Elizabeth nodded her head, deciding not to press the issue further. She was not surprised he knew where she lived. She learned to never underestimate Billy’s deviousness. He was very cunning when need be. Besides, they had more important things to discuss, like while he showed up at her home unannounced after two years.

She turned her head completely and watched him walk toward her. She frowned.

What was this about?

She sat back, the TV forgotten. "Billy...Um. What are you doing here?" Her eyes flew back to the TV screen even though she saw nothing that was there. She wanted to look uninterested even as her heartbeat sped up. What was he doing here? The love of her life! Standing right before her! But...He couldn't...He shouldn't be here! For more reasons than one!

She swallowed back her nervousness as he spoke up, and forced her gaze back to his.

"I wanted to see how ya were doing." His gaze never left her. He seemed to be searching for something, but what? She knew darn well he hadn't come just to check up on her! Otherwise he would have come months ago! "So...How are ya doing?"

Although he was staring right at Elizabeth, it seemed like Billy wasn't really seeing her. She could tell something else was definitely on his mind. She felt as if she had stepped into some alternate universe. It was almost like she was in the Twlight Zone or something.

"Lousy. Getting more so by the minute." She said pointedly. She sure hadn't meant to be so abrupt, but the pain was still there. Why had he come?! Could it be...No. It was too much to hope for! A small fantasy played out in her mind. One where he confessed his true undying love for her and begged her to come back to him. But fantasies had a way of being slapped down by reality. "Why are you really here?" She demanded coolly.

He cautiously took a seat next to her, making sure to keep enough distance between them as possible.

Elizabeth averted her eyes, giving him a sideways glance. He was staring straightforward at the wall and was tightly gripping his knees. All of the sudden she started to get a sense of déjà vu. This was definitely a sceneraio she knew a little bit too well. She folded her hands demurely upon her lap, impatiently awaiting his next move.

“Would you like anything to drink?” She asked him.

Billy shook his head, “Nah, I’m good.”

Elizabeth nodded her head.

“I hear ya working at the community center.”

Her eyes widened in surprise at his words. How in the hell would he know that? Could it be that he was spying on her? She would not put it past him. Then again, Billy did have his ways of finding things out. He had eyes and ears everywhere.

She smiled, “Yeah, I really like it.”

He nodded, “Yeah, well. Ya always liked kids. Ya talking to ya parents any?”

Elizabeth shrugged and nodded her head, “Yeah, a little. I go over to their house for dinner ever Sunday.”

“Bet they’re fuckin happy ya dropped my sorry ass, huh?”

She smiled sadly and whispered, “Someone had to be.”

Billy bowed his head and sighed.

Elizabeth heaved an anguished sigh, “Why are you here, Billy? After all this time, why now do you decide to show up?”

He turned to her then and pinned her with his intense gaze, “I'm so sorry. I know I did something terrible, horrible to you, and if I could take it back, I would. Sometimes I wish you would just do something horrible to me and then we'd be even. But you, you would never do that. It's just all these things are happening and I need someone. You're the only one I can talk to. I can’t talk to my boys bout this or my bastard of a fuckin father. You've always been the only one.”

Tears filled her eyes as she met his gaze. It has been such a long time since she has seen him like this. Vulnerable and…needy. Looking into his eyes at that moment was like being transported back ten years ago when he was just that seventeen year old man that she had fallen deeply in love with.

What in the world had happened to deduce him to such a state?

She shook her head confusingly, “What’s that matter? What happened?”

“Joe’s dead.” Billy whispered. The raw pain in his voice was evident.

Elizabeth’s eyes widened as large as saucers and she gasped loud, “My God, Billy. What happened?”

He sighed, “Someone fucking killed him. Cause of me. He fuckin died cause of me. I didn’t protect like I shoulda…I…” He trailed off as he bowed his head, heaving an anguished sigh.

She knew how much Billy’s younger brother meant to him. He loved him so much, she could tell and vice versa. Billy protected and cared for his brother. Joe looked up to Billy, as all boys look up to their older brothers. In many ways, he was more of a father to him than their own dad was. He was always so overly protective of him. She remembers the times that Joe would go out with them to the carnival, or car shows, or just to get something to eat and talk. She really loved Joe as well. He was like the brother she never had. So the news of hearing that he was dead affected her deeply. He was so young, so handsome and so full of life, but just like Billy, he grew up in a harsh world. The two of them never had chance to experience the joys of adolescence. There was no time to.

Elizabeth could see just by looking into his eyes how sad and heartbroken he was over his death. She wished with everything in her that she could take that pain away. Regardless of what he may have done to her in the past, he did not deserve something this horrible to happen to him. No one deserves this kind of anguish and despair. She would not wish death on anyone. It must be so hard for him to act so tough all the time. To keep everything so bottled up, not being able to show his emotions to the world for fear of anyone thinking he was weak.

Slowly and cautiously, she scooted closer to him and took his large hand within her small one.

His eyes widened as he looked over at her. He shook his head in disbelief. She could see tears threatening to spill from his eyes, “How could ya? After everything I fuckin did to ya?…”

Elizabeth smiled, “Love doesn’t require you to be perfect, Billy. But it does require you to forgive. ”I've got no regrets. I can say it strong and although I wish to go back to what we used to have, I don't regret the choices I made. I've loved you like no other and if things never happened, we'd never be where we are today."

Billy laid his hand atop of hers and whispered, “I loved ya, Lizzie. I still do. I just didn’t know how to love ya, I still don’t. There was never any other women…I just wanted ya to know that. I could never even look at another girl. Only ya. Ya were the only one I ever wanted.”

As she looked into his eyes at that moment, she knew he was telling the truth. How was it that she could ever doubt him?

She nodded and smiled through her tears, “I know…”

He reached over and placed his hand upon her cheek, gently caressing her cheekbone with his thumb, “You’re a damn beautiful woman, Lizzie. I never got to know the woman…just the girl.” He smiled sadly, before he dropped his hand from her cheek and unclasped his hand from hers.

Billy sprung up from the couch and sniffed roughly, quickly wiping his eyes, “I gotta get going. I got some shit to take care of.”

“But you just got here. You can stay a little while longer if you’d like.” Elizabeth knew she was sounding needy, but she could care less at that moment. He was obviously hurting and she did not feel right with him being alone out there. He did not seem fit enough to drive. Or do anything for that matter.

He smiled and shook his head, “Nah, I wish I could. But I gotta go. There’s somewhere I need to be tonight.”

Elizabeth nodded her head in defeat.

She got up from the couch and followed him to the door, opening it for him.

Before walking out of it, he turned to her and whispered, “Can I ask ya one favor?”

“Yeah…sure.” Even now there was nothing that she could deny him.

Billy bowed his head and gazed up at her shyly from under his lashes, “Could ya put ya arms round me?”

Without hesitance, she immediately walked over to him and obliged his request. She slowly wrapped her arms around his waist, but strangely, he did not return her hug. He just stood there with his arms held limply at his sides. She could feel his hot breath in her hair coming out in short puffs. It was almost if he were inhaling the scent of it. She kept her eyes tightly closed as she laid her head upon his chest, listening to the rapid beat of his heart, reveling in the moment of finally being in his arms once again.

Gently, he eased out of her embrace and whispered, “I gotta go, Lizzie.”

Elizabeth’s heart felt as if it were going to burst out of her chest when he smiled at her. It felt as she were internally suffocating by how utterly beautiful he looked at this moment. It was the first genuine smile she had seen from him in years. So, she did the only thing she could do, she returned his smile right back.

He looked at her and she looked at him and in that one split second, they forgave one another for everything.

“Bye, Lizzie. Thanks…for everything.”

Elizabeth smiled and nodded, “Anytime.”

Billy smiled at her one last time before he turned around and walked away.

She stood there and watched his retreating form, knowing that this would probably be the last time she would ever see him again.

She smiled despite her saddened disposition, feeling the happiest she has in a very long time.

The past is over, it can touch her no longer. It was finally time for her to let go of him. The sooner you realize things will never be the same again, the sooner you can move on.

There are few things sadder in life then watching someone walk away after they left you. Watching the distance between your bodies expand until there is nothing left but empty space and silence.

To let go isn't to forgot, not to think about, or ignore. It doesn't leave feelings of anger, jealousy, or regret. Letting go isn't about winning or losing. It's not about pride and it's not about how you appear, and it's not obsessing or dwelling on the past. Letting go isn't blocking memories or thinking sad thoughts, and doesn't leave emptiness, hurt, or sadness. It's not about giving in or giving up. Letting go isn't about loss and it's not about defeat. To let go is to cherish the memories, but to overcome and move on. It is having an open mind confidence in the future. Letting go is learning and experiencing and growing. To let go is to be thankful for the experiences that made you laugh, made you cry, and made you grow. It's about all that you have, all that you had, and all that you will soon gain. Letting go is having the courage to accept change, and the strength to keep moving. Letting go is growing up. It is realizing that the heart can sometimes be the most potent remedy. To let go is to open a door, and to clear a path and set yourself free.

Maybe some people just aren't meant to be in our lives forever. Maybe some people are just passing through. It's like some people just come through our lives to bring us something: a gift, a blessing, a lesson we need to learn, and that's why they're here. . . you'll have that gift forever.

You never realize that...yes...once someone's love surrounded you but now...what do you have? Memories. Why does love hurt so much when it's supposed to be such a good thing? Why do we dwell on the past, when the future is 'what matters'? It's something that, yeah, she guesses it can't be helped but maybe it's harder for you than it is for someone else. Faint smells of cologne or perfume, a song on the radio, a movie or a single word. These are things that bring back those memories. But, you can't hide from these things because they're there and no matter how hard you try to, they'll always be there. Even when you have moved on to the future and those things don't trigger the memories as much as before, they still do. You can't forget someone that you've loved, you may want to but you cannot. Love can't be forgotten; no matter how hard we all try and how much we think it'll ease the pain, it will always be there -- forever

As Billy sat there on the bench, he flet the blood coursing out of him in rapid spurts, knowing that this was most likely his last moments on this Earth. Strangely, he was all right with that. Shit, it was not as if he had anything going for him anyway. He pretty much fucking ruined any chance of happiness he ever had, but it was best that way. He had to do it. If she stayed with him, she would only end up getting hurt in the long haul. She was far too good for a bastard like him.

No matter how much he loved her.

Letting her go was the hardest fucking thing he ever had to do. That was the sole reason why he got himself shit faced drunk before he came home and passed out on the couch. It was to dull the need of wanting to go into their room. Hell, sometimes the need got so bad that he would sleep in his car or on one of the couches in the meth lab. Even after she left him, he would find himself unconsciously driving to her apartment and parking outside. He would sit in his car and longingly gaze up at her window, wishing with everything in him that he was in there with her. Wishing that he could swallow his goddamn pride for once and just let himself be happy…with her.

The only reason why he sowed up at her door that night was because he had to see her one last time. He could not leave this Earth without at least telling her the truth. He owed her that considering all she had given him over the years. He was the only fucking good thing he had in this godforsaken world. Or once had. She was the best thing that has ever happened to him.

It's agony. Complete, excruciating agony. It's like your heart is being ripped out of your chest and stomped on. You can't breathe, you don't want to eat, you can't function. It's the most intense pain you'll ever feel, and the worst part is there's no way to relieve it. It's unyielding, merciless torture. And you know it's yours for life.

With every love comes heartbreak, and sometimes it gets so painful you can't do it anymore.

A clean break is easier. you can reset it, and it heals, and you move on. But if you leave things messy. Or things don't get put right, then it just hurts… forever. That's the most frightening aspect of loneliness...You think you're being damaged while loneliness is happening to you, and the worry amplifies the pain. The wrong ones can't hurt you, it's the right ones that can … they can kill you.

During the day, it’s all right. When he is out with his boys, partying and working. At night is when it hurts the most.

He only thinks of her at night - in that vulnerable moment between closing his eyes and oblivion - when he can no longer retain his grip on his conscience, allowing his mind to break free from the shackles of propriety to explore all those thoughts he dare not indulge during the day.

The atomic dreams of searing reds and bitter blacks are long gone, banished by girlish giggles, the singed edges brushed away by careful fingers. His charred heart is soothed by auburn curls and peppermint eyes and by promises he would never ask her to keep.

He no longer has premonitions of falling through the sky. Now he dreams of lying on tartan blankets in their park and of french toast on Sunday mornings, feeding two mouths with one fork. Of diamond rings and white picket fences and children running around in the yard.

Ordinary, everyday dreams. Just like they used to be.

But when he wakes - in that cruel moment between fantasy and reality - he smiles naively before he is suffocated by guilt and regret. Smarting from the sting of tricking only himself, he prays to God that one day they will stop. Not just because it is futile to yearn for someone he can never have, but because it is futile to yearn for a normal life he will never have either.

Billy hears the pistol being cocked and he lets out a shaky sigh. He can feel the hot stinging sensation of tears cascading down his cheeks, but he makes no attempts to heed them. Not any longer. There is no reason to be strong anymore. This is it, this is how it ends. With him alone.

Alone…the epitome of his entire existence.

He hears the gun being cocked and the man beside him whispering, “Are you ready?”

Billy lets out a shaky sigh and closes his eyes, seeing her smiling face, her eyes filled with love, adoration and acceptence. Things he always yearned for, but never dared to ask for.

He slightly nodded his head, signaling that he was ready.

Most of our life is a series of images. They pass us by like towns on the highway. But sometimes a moment stuns us as it happens. And we know that this instant is more than a fleeting image. We know that this moment, every part of it, will live on forever.

Many people spend their entire lives searching for the meaning of life, but it has completely eluded them. They look for material goods, thrills, anything except the one thing that they are missing that is right in front of their faces … love. People waste away their lives trying to be the best at something … best athlete, best executive, best anything … but being these things just covers up the fact that we are still missing the one thing that is important to every human being … love.

The world is so much better when we’re dreaming…

THE END…

Lament-Chapter 46

Fri, 06 Apr 2007 04:14:04 GMT

Chapter 46: Since You’ve Been Gone

“Letting go is not a one time thing. It is something you day everyday, over and over again.”
-unknown

Author Note: The story is going to start picking up pace from here on out, so be prepared. I want to wrap this story up in seven more chapters, nine at the most.

Think of Chase as the gorgeous Jesse Spencer, who plays…yes Robert Chase on house. LOL! It is a little homage to his character. Also, think of Leslie as being Jessica Biel.

Song belongs to the Get Up Kids…

Jack was supposed to be going to the CD release party for The Spares new album, but frankly, he was just not in the mood.

He would much rather be sitting in this chair as of now upon the balcony of Manny’s beachfront home in Los Angeles looking out over the enchanting ocean and appreciating the amazing beauty of the sunset.

It was heedless to say that his views set him apart from his other peers in the industry. They just could not understand him and probably never will. To him, they were these shallow indigenous power mongrels that had everything, yet wanted even more. Nothing was ever good enough for them or satiated their desires.

It was still hard to believe all that he has ever dreamed about was coming true. Well, almost everything anyway.

Jack still did not have the one thing in this world in which he wanted the most and that was Hannah.

For the past two years, not a day has gone by that he has not thought of her. She is the first thing he thinks about when he wakes up and the last thing he thinks about when he goes to sleep. She is one of the many ghosts of his past that incessantly haunts him, but she is one he does not mind so much.

As he stares at her picture, he often wonders if she is happy living her life without him and that she found someone who is deserving of her. As much as it kills him to even think she may have found someone else, he has to accept that possibility. It has been over two years, he did not expect her to be single forever. Besides, she was gorgeous. Guys were probably lining up to be with a girl like her. A girl with a face like that is born with a boyfriend.

That is what has him worried, the possibility that she may have found someone else to love, that she had replaced him.

The night he watched her walk away from him in that driveway is still fresh in his mind as it if just happened yesterday.

Saying good-bye to her was the hardest thing he’ll ever have to do, and when he gets back, he can honestly swear that he'll never do it again. He loves her now for what they've already shared, and he loves her now in anticipation for all that's to come. She’s the best thing that ever happened to him. He misses her , but he’s sure in his heart that she'll be with him always. In the short time he spent her, she became his dream.

When someone is in your life for a reason, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.

When people come into your life for a season, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

There are things in life that matter. There are things in the past that remain. She was a part of his life, and he was a part of hers. And he knew for as long as he lived he would never let her go.

You know what his biggest fear is? That one day, they'll pass each other on the street and have that artificial conversation. You all know the one, the one where you see your ex for the first time. You’ll stop, exchange a few words, such as “hi”, “how are you?” and “what have ya been up to lately?”. The conversation lasts no more than five minutes and you go on your separate ways, pretending as if one another did not even exist any longer.

Jack cannot ever see that happening because for he knows no matter where they are, or who they’re with, or how long they have been apart, or whatever distance is between them, she will forever exist in his mind and…heart.

When people ask him if he’s ever been in love…Well he doesn't even have to think about it.. all he does is picture her face and he’s filled with all the love you could ever imagine. Some may say that he never loved her.. that they weren't together long enough for him to fall in love with her.. but let him tell you. He’s so deeply in love with her that it hurts. So in love that whenever he looks at her picture...it breaks his heart more and more. When he thinks of her, his heart aches. Yeah, they may be apart now... but does this mean forever? Will there ever be another them ever again? Will he ever feel the way he felt in her arms again? Will she ever look deep into his eyes and make him weak at the knees? These questions...they haunt him night and day. He doesn't think she knew how he felt about her. Not really anyway. He doesn't think she will ever know...But he hopes and pray for the day when she'll hold him like she did.

The tough thing about following your heart is that people forget to mention sometimes the heart takes you to places you shouldn't be. Places that are scary as they are exciting and as dangerous as they are alluring. Sometimes your heart cannot take you to places that lead to happy endings. That's not even the difficult part; the difficult part is when you follow your heart, you leave normal; you go into the unknown and once you do you can never go back.

Dreaming comes so easily, cause it's all that he’s known. True love is a fairy tale. He’s damaged, so how would he know? He’s scared, and he’s alone. He’s ashamed.

He was alone. And just beyond the bravery and courage it takes to let someone in. Or to give someone a second chance. Something beyond the quiet persistence of a dream. Because it's only when you're tested, that you truly discover who you are. And it's only when you're tested, that you discover who you can be. The person you want to be does exist. Somewhere on the other side.

Have you ever had a dream that seemed so real when you woke up you didn't know what to believe? What would you do if what you thought was true wasn't, and what you thought wasn't true was? Would you retreat into your dreams with the hope of finding a more perfect reality? Sometimes life is stranger than a dream, and the only way to wake up is to face what lies are.

Hidden in your soul. And you can only hope that in those moments of dark reflection, that you are not alone.

Happiness comes in many forms. In the company of good friends, in the feeling you get when you make someone else's dreams come true, or in a promise of hope renewed. It's OK to let yourself be happy, because you never know how fleeting that happiness might be.

Sometimes pain becomes such a huge part of your life that you expect it to always be there, because you can't remember a time in your life when it wasn't. But then one day you feel something else. Something that feels wrong only because it's so unfamiliar, and in that moment you realize you're happy.

The sooner you realize things will never be the same again, the sooner you can move on.

When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.

Jack’s in a period of growth and expansion. He’s taking long, hard looks at the world and what's happening in it, analyzing and thinking. He’s trying to become acquainted with the universe -- with the part of it he occupies -- and trying to settle, for himself, what his relationship with it is.

Growing up is full of big moments. Some of them you can see coming from a mile away; and some you can't see at all.

Change is never easy. You fight to hold on, you fight to let go.

In your life you meet people, some you never think about again, some you wonder what happened to them, there are some that you wonder if they ever think about you and then there are some you wish you never had to think about again… but you do.

You start out life with a clean slate. Then you begin to make your mark. You face decisions, make choices. You keep moving forward. But sooner or later there comes a time where you look back over where you have been... and wonder who you really are.

There's no shame in being afraid. Hell, we're all afraid. What you gotta do is figure out what you're afraid of, because when you put a face on it you can beat it. Better yet, you can use it.

Most of our life is a series of images. They pass us by like towns on the highway. But sometimes a moment stuns us as it happens. And we know that this instant is more than a fleeting image. We know that this moment, every part of it, will live on forever.

He lives in a world who's struggling, who's frustrated, unsatisfied, barely getting by. But that feeling's a lie. And if you just hold on, just find the courage to face it all for another day, someone or something will find you and make it all okay. Because we all need a little help sometimes-someone to helps us hear the music in their world, to remind us that it won't always be this way. That someone is out there. And that someone will find you.

Hannah is that someone and will always be. A love that they shared happens only once in a lifetime. He will never feel that way for another girl ever again.

Jack thinks about her every single day. Be it during the most inopportune time or when the chaos has ceased and all is silent and mundane. He wonders what she is doing at that moment and if she is thinking of him as he is of her. Every morning he awakes and looks up at the sun and when he goes to bed at night and stares at the moon, he ponders if she too is staring at the sky as he is. That is the only thing that gives him comfort and solace is in knowing that they share the same sky. It makes him feel as if they are still connected in some miniscule way, but he knows his thoughts are futile. No matter where they may be, they will always be connected, mind, body and soul. That will never change.

He has not seen or talked to her since the night he left. The only time he had ever sort of spoken to her was when he wrote her a letter one year ago, which she never replied to, but he did not expect her to. There really is no one to blame. They just do not have anything they need to say to one another. They have said all they needed to and they had parted their separate ways. They needed a clean break, a fresh start…apart from one another.

Shit, he does not really talk to his mother all that much either, which he solely takes the blame for. The last time he had spoken to her was a little over two months ago and they only talked for about fifteen minutes, maybe shorter than that. He just had a really hectic and chaotic schedule, his time was really limited. He does not even have times for himself at times. He felt so bad for he had promised her that he would not forget about her and would always keep in contact with her, but once again, he had failed to live up to one single promise he had made to someone whom meant the most to him in this world.

Add that to the laundry list of things he regretted.

Regret comes in all shapes and sizes. Some are small, like when we do a bad thing for a good reason. Some are bigger like when we let down a friend. Some of us escape the pains of regret by making the right choice. Some of us have little time for regret because were looking forward to the future. Sometimes we have to fight to come to terms with the past, and sometimes we bury our regret by promising to change our ways. But our biggest regrets are not for the things we did but for the things we didn't do, things we didn't say that could have saved someone we care about. Especially when we can see the dark storm that's headed their way.

Just then Jack heard someone rapping loudly upon his door.

He noticed Manny peek his head in, “Ya ready, Jackie? The limo’s here.”

Jack sighed in exacerbation and rolled his eyes, “Not really, but do I even have a choice?”

Manny shook his head and chuckled, “Not really. I’ll see ya down there, right?”

He nodded his head.

Manny closed the door, once again leaving Jack alone. Just the way he preferred it.

Jack reluctantly got up out of his chair and braced his hands against the railing, looking out over the balcony.

He looked up at the black inky darkness of the sky illuminated by the crystalline moon and stars and sighed deeply.

Jack smiled softly, whispering to himself, “I love ya, Hannah. I will come back for ya…I promise.”

There are moments in our lives when we find ourselves at a crossroads. Afraid. Confused. Without a roadmap. The choices we make in those moments can define the rest of our days. Of course, when faced with the unknown, most of us prefer to turn around and go back. But once in a while people push on to something better. Something found just beyond the pain of it all.

A life of hard work and faith and belief ... and beyond the heartache and fear of what lies ahead.

There comes a time when every life goes off course. In this desperate moment, who will you be? Will you let down your defenses, and find solitude in someone unexpected? Will you reach out? Will you face your greatest fears bravely, and move forward with faith... or will you succumb to the darkness in your soul?

When life comes at you out of the darkness, who will you choose to face it with? Will they be wise? Will their love for you help them to lead you to the light, or will they lose their way in the darkness? Will they make noble choices, or will that person be someone untested, someone new? Life comes rushing at you from out of the darkness. And when it does, is there someone you can depend on when it does?

When the limo pulled up to the front of the club, Jack looked out the window. There were over a hundred photographers, journalists and cameramen. He also noticed bleachers with over two hundred fans screaming their heads off.

There seemed to be every radio, magazine and television news teams within the country covering this event. It was probably due to the caliber of whom it was.

His band…

There was no doubt in his mind that many famous celebrities would be here and journalists thrived upon that like wolves with a fresh piece of meat. They preyed upon them no matter how vicious, calculating, cold or vindictive they had to be.

They would get their story. No matter what the costs, which was the sole reason why he never wanted to achieve fame. He did not know if he could be under the microscope like that and feeling as if his privacy were being invaded. They would watch his every move. Print lies and take photos of him in his home and take tabs upon the people that he associated with. They would not only disrupt his life, but the lives of his family and friends as well. He did not know if he could go through all of that. It would be too much to handle and he would never want his family to be put through anything like that.

It was a very lonely life to be a celebrity. To have your whole life being documented for the sake of entertainment. But he guessed that the saying was right. With every great achievement there are sacrifices.

Jack did not want his freedom to be one of them…

Jack was sitting in the pressroom at a long table with his bandmates and their manager, Dale. There were only four journalists and three cameramen in this private and special interview session. Jack’s manager had to practically beg him to do this and he had only agreed to do it if there were not a lot of people. So what they did was pick four journalists and cameramen from the biggest and most established news companies, which were MTV, Fox, Hit Parader and of course, Rolling Stone magazine. That was a given.

He was never really one for interviews or magazine shoots. To him, it was just ersatz bullshit he did not want to deal with. He did not believe in selling himself like a prostitute for the sake of production and sales of his music. He did not make music to become famous. He did it for the sheer love and passion for it. But as the months waned on and their fan base became larger and the record companies became interested. That was when the passion began to diminish. Right when they signed that twenty five million dollar contract under Epic Records, he knew that it was basically over. Their music would never be their own again. They were Epic Record’s whores now. They no longer had the freedom to do what they wanted and experiment with sounds anymore. They had to look a certain way, write certain lyrics that were “catchy” and “safe” and they also had to make at least one record a year for their five- year deal.

It has now been two years since they had signed that contract and Jack was just counting down the days until it was over. Sure, it was all right in the beginning when the first single they released under a prestigious label flew to number one in just two weeks.

It felt good that his music that went unheard for so long was finally getting appreciated, but after a year or so with touring for the record. He became drained and…tired. He began turning to alcohol and drugs once again just to make the “experience” more enjoyable because frankly, he hated fame and everything it stood for. He had always done drugs and drank, but never had he done it everyday. He considered himself more of a recreational user. Now the habit has become so serious he cannot get through the day without a fix. He smokes weed and sniffs cocaine occasionally, but his main love is heroin and alcohol. He lives for them. It is substantial to his life like oxygen is to our lungs. Not a day goes by where he does not do it.

Being high is the only thing that makes doing what he does bearable.

He remembers those times back when he was in Detroit. Back when The Spares were nothing more than a underground “Indie” band. He used to love playing gigs in those small bars. There used to be only like ten drunk people there who could give a goddamn who they were and the people who did, were true fans. Not some people whom had jumped on the bandwagon, following them around like herds of sheep. He remembered the rush he would get playing his guitar and singing those songs that he spent all night writing.

Jack really had loved that. That was the basis of who he was. Music was his drug. It was what he lived and breathe. That was once substantial to his life. Not shooting up almost every fucking night. If someone would have told him that this was what being famous would be like then he would have never have left Detroit and abandoned the one person whom meant the most to him.

Now, almost two years later, he sits here, with a cigarette in his hand and his glasses on. He always keeps his glasses on for they mask his green eyes which are bloodshot and glassy from the heroin fix he just shot up in the bathroom and from being deprived of a full night’s sleep.

He is wearing tattered faded denim jeans that he has owned for over five years and black unlaced combat boots. They have holes upon the knees and the pockets are frayed. He is also wearing a simple black t-shirt with a gray old v-neck sweater over it that is almost two times too big for him for he weighs only about one forty, give or take a few pounds. What was strange was that when Hannah had given this sweater to him for Christmas over two years ago, it had fit him perfectly. The only reason why he still wears it is because she had given it to him. It his one of his most prized possessions and his favorite article of clothing. He even wore it on the cover of their first major label album. To let her know he had not forgotten about her and was still thinking of her.

It falls off his one shoulder and the sleeves almost go over his hands. He wears it because it’s comfortable and not to mention the fact that it covers the telltale track marks upon his arms. His hair looks rumpled, dirty, scraggly and oily for he did not have a chance to wash it today, nor cared to for that matter. His face is covered in a five o’ clock shadow for he has not shaved in over three days. He knew he looked like something that has walked off the street, but he could care less. This is who he was and he would not change for anyone. A lot of women seemed to like his appearance though. One magazine had called him, “The Johnny Depp of Rock and Roll.”

That was first and last time he would ever read another magazine with himself upon the cover. He hated photo shoots with a passion, but sometimes they needed to be done. Yet another slave clause within the contract.

Jack may have accumulated a lot of money from the band, but he was never one to show it off or parade it around. When he was a child growing up in Michigan, he had always lived a life of poverty so that was what he was used to. Living an impoverished life was comforting to him. He did not own a large mansion like the rest of his band mates. He lived in a small one-bedroom apartment in West Hollywood, California. It was only about five hundred a month and was not what you would consider upscale, but that was what he liked. Not that he has seen it all that often on account of touring and recording. It has been almost six months since he has been home. He cannot wait until this tour is over so that he can go back to the sanctity of his own home and hide away from the world for a while.

That was all that mattered.

Besides, it was not as if he could enjoy any of the accolades anyway. For the one person whom he wanted to share it with was not with him. She believed in him when no one else did. If it were not for she, he would not be where he is. If he should thank anyone for his success, it’s Hannah.

He also did not like spending his money on fancy clothes. He could not count how many suits he had in his closet that big name fashion designers have given him as a way to utilize his so-called celebrity status.

He had never once looked at them let alone worn them. He could care less what he wore. As long as he was comfortable was all that mattered

Many have compared him to Kurt Cobain for the way that he sang, and he felt so abhorrent to that notion. How dare they compare him to someone such as he? Kurt Cobain was a man whom defined his generation. He was a man who paved for the way for men such as he. When Kurt died, so did the music world.

Nowadays, music was filled with so many disposable pop artists. They sounded so alike it was as if they just recycled the same music and overlaid it with a different voice. There were so many cookie cutter artists out there that no one could be called original or inventive.

Real talent was sacrificed for what sold and artists were just marketed by how hot they looked in a sexy outfit, while some people who may not be the most attractive, but had amazing voices were being shunned and turned away. That really sickened him.

Many, including him was amazed that The Spares were still around. In the industry today, the limit to your popularity was two years, three if you were lucky. America just did not have a long attention span. They got bored quick. They obsessed and when they got tired of you. It was on to the next lucky son of bitches.

Jack knew their fifteen minutes of fame was almost up and soon people would get tired of them as well and he could not wait.

He yearned to do the music he did back when it was just himself. He had spent many nights on the bus and in the motel rooms writing music. It was a routine of his. He would shoot up, maybe smoke some weed, have a couple beers, pick up his acoustic guitar and start writing. No one, not even his band mates know that he does this. This is just for him only. It is the only thing he has that he can call his own.

There were times he felt so alone, so isolated that he wanted to scream. No one seemed to understand him. He trusted no one and had few friends. While it was true that some of his old friends were trying to reconnect with him again, but that was only due to the fact that he was rich now. They never wanted anything to do with him when he was a penniless struggling musician. But now that he had money, they all seemed to know him and miss him.

It was so funny to him how money changes people’s views upon things.

The people that he considered his friends were his band mates, but the one that he was the most closest to was Manny. He was the first one he met when he first auditioned for the band. They both struck up a friendship easily. Manny would let him stay at his apartment whenever he wanted to get away from his brothers‘ for a while and have some alone time. The two of them would spend hours upon hours, smoking weed and writing music. They both played well off of one another. Manny was a great bassist, while Jack was said to be a great guitarist and their melodies meshed really well into a harmonic sound.

Day after day, night after night, they would rehearse and rehearse until they were weary and exhausted, but never did they stop.

In just one month, they got the first gig . More gigs followed after that and each time, more and more people began showing up. It was so astonishing to them all. One minute they were playing bars at two in the morning with only two people in them and now they were playing bars packed to the gills with people screaming their names and wearing t-shirts with their images.

With all the money that they made playing the gigs, they saved to make their demo tape. After about five big gigs playing some infamous clubs, they were finally ready to make their demo tape. They all rented a studio for four days and they utilized the time well recording over five of their best songs.

Will then suggested that they start traveling to different cities in order to get their name out there and gain an even larger following and even though Jack agreed upon it, he was not exactly thrilled with the idea. He was not in the band in order to gain popularity or fame. He just genuinely liked these guys and enjoyed playing music with them. Everything else was just a bonus.

That was when they really started to get noticed and people began talking. An independent label named, “Tooth and Nail Records,” which jump-started the careers of some of the biggest rock bands to date, approached them. They really loved their demo tape and offered them ten thousand dollars. They agreed to the deal and worked right away upon their debut album.

It was a small EP, with only five songs on it. All they really did was cleaned and tweaked the five songs on their demo tape.

The album was aptly titled, “Beautifully Scarred”. Jack asked them if he could name it that and when they asked him why, he did not reply. It was the first song that he had ever written. That was a song he held dear to his own heart. The song was written about himself. It was something that Hannah had told him one time long ago when they were lying in bed one night. She had said to him that while he may have been beautiful on the outside. The beauty that he had was deceitful for what lies within himself is broken shattered and tattered to pieces. He was beautifully scarred she said to him. He could never really remember anything else she had said, but that stayed with him for some reason. Until this day he still missed her. She was his first love. The only woman he had ever loved. When he left her. He was left asunder and all alone.

Alone and abandoned…. the epitome of his life.

So he named the album in dedication to her. She was the only one that held faith in him and she gave him the fire and drive to make all of his dreams come true. Everything that he is now he owes to her.

But the path of destruction he is heading down is not exactly what she had in mind for him.

Not just two months after the album was released did they get yet another offer. They sold the album at all their shows and local record stores and surprisingly, it had sold out quickly and was becoming in high demand and their first single, “Best Of You.” was the number one requested song on local radio stations. The Spares was now the number one rock and roll band exceeding The Strokes and The Killers combined.

At one of their shows, the head of public relations and advertising of Epic Records, Robert Wendell, who offered them a multi-million dollar five year record deal, approached them.

He had said to them that he listened to their album and loved it and so did the rest of Epic. He thought they had a sound unlike any other and they were just what the music industry needed. Fresh and raw talent.

Jack and the rest of his band mates, along with their manager, Dale were very skeptical about this idea. They all knew what record companies did to bands and they refused to be their slaves. Never did they want to disappoint their fans by selling out to the franchised and commercialized mass market. It was everything their band protested against and why they were loved by so many.

They refused to conform.

Robert assured them that they would all have artistic freedom in all their work and they would be free to produce and write their own music without any outside involvement.

After they signed the deal, just two days later, they were making their first full-length album. The label rented out a mansion for them to live and record in. It was a very long and arduous process. Everyone was so on edge and stressed out. No one slept, nor ate a thing. They just worked and worked. At the end of those five months everyone was just exhausted, burnt out and on the end of their tether. They were just eager to get it done.

The album that they presented to Epic was mixed by Chris Lord-Alge and was a product of twenty one tracks, all written by Jack and produced by the band.

It was heedless to say that the album was rejected over five times. First they said it was too long, and then they said the subject matter was not suitable for the audience and age demographic they were targeting. Then they handed them the bullshit of saying that it sounded too experimental and far too confusing for the mass market to comprehend. They just said overall they did not hear a hit single on the whole album, but they just could not seem to comprehend. Jack was not making the music to have a hit.

He just wanted to be heard. For people to appreciate what he was trying to say. To feel their music. That’s all he ever wanted. He could care less if ten people bought the album or ten million.

Since they signed the contract, they were under strict orders to rework the album until it was what they wanted. After yet another grueling two months, they almost ten tracks and just kept what they considered to be the strongest of the songs they had wrote and recorded. It was really sad and a very difficult decision to decide what should be scrapped and what should not, but they were under a binding contract. They were what they have always feared to be.

Slaves to the man…

The first single that was released was a song on the album called, “World‘s Gonna End.” It was a song that was on their EP album.

After the song’s initial release, it was taking with some hesitancy at first. They were trespassing in a territory of monotonous boy bands and mediocre pop singers. A completely fabricated bubblegum world. A world where conformity was key and everyone dressed and sang the same.

Now here comes these four boys from Detroit, Michigan with their grungy look, alternative punk rock guitars and melancholic lyrics to fucking rock their world.

They were something that has not been seen since the early nineties. No one knew what to make of them. Their music and style was all their own.

It took only two weeks for their single to reach the charts to number one. A record that only the Beatles and The Rolling Stones held. They were in an honorable stature.

Then their album was released and it too became number one. Everything after that became all a blur. They started playing gigs all over the world and traveling to so many exotic locales such as London, Japan, Spain and Germany. It was something that they would never dare to dream because they thought it would never happen to boys like them. Boys such as them never dared to dream things such as that.

Now two years later, they were still on top and only flying even higher… But as everyone knows that there is only so far you can go to you inevitably reach the bottom for what goes up…

Must always come down…

Jack took a long drag of his cigarette and bowed his head, heaving a sigh. He has only been in this interview for fifteen minutes and all ready he was bored of it. His eyes cast upward to the wall and he looked upon the ceiling. Its abstract designs were in different colors to give it that psychedelic effect and the lines were so symmetrical that they seemed to swirl around and move if he kept looking at them long enough.

That seemed more amusing to him than this interview.

Someone shouting out his name savagely snatched Jack out of his reverie.

He shook his head quickly as if shaking it out of a haze and he looked out onto the floor where the journalists were sitting.

Jack looked upon the journalist that had called out his name and said nothing.

The journalist smiled and asked him, “Can you tell me about your relationship with Leslie Howard? Are the two of you becoming serious?”

Serious? Jack thought.

What the hell kind of question was that?

This is just why he hated doing interviews such as this. He thought he was here to talk about the album and here he has to fucking ask questions about someone he’s sleeping with. Something that is none of their goddamn business.

Jack looked upon Leslie who was standing in the back of the room. She was smoking a cigarette and had her back up against the wall.

He had to admit, she was a really beautiful woman. She looked really hot tonight as well. She was wearing a leather mini-skirt, a black spaghetti strap low cut v-neck shirt with a tight black long sleeved lace shirt under it. She was also wearing black stiletto heels, which made her incredibly long legs even longer. She had also died her hair from platinum blonde to a darker brown color. She put extensions in her hair that reached a little past her shoulders. It was wavy and mussed up.

Her eyes were dramatically smoky and outlined in black, which made her bright blue eyes shine even more brilliantly. Her lips were painted in red lipstick.

Leslie had the rock star girlfriend motif down to a “T“.

Many of her friends had said that Jack was becoming to be a bad influence on her. They had said before she had met him she was the straight-laced girl next door who would never do anything bad in her life.

He had to laugh at that for little did they know she was far from the good girl persona she had perfected. He had nothing to do with her corruption. It was all of her own volition.

The both of them had met at a party six months back in Malibu for some record producer he forgotten the name of. To be honest, he had forgotten a lot about that night. When he had first met her, he thought she was pretty enough, but not his type in the least. He much preferred redheads.

Well, one redhead in particular actually.

Jack thought she was too phony, too California and too…blonde. She was blonde right down to her very soul. He did not have anything against blonde girls it was just that he liked someone he could not only stimulate his body, but his soul and mind as well. Someone he could connect with on a spiritual plain. He knew he would never have that with her.

There was only one person whom he would have a connection with. There would only be one girl whom he would ever love. Jack lost the girl. His soulmate. It was like having an organ, his heart, literally ripped from his body. All he could feel was cold and empty... his future, slipping away... You see, he lost his love -- but he was determined not to lose his life.

Leslie had been interested right in the beginning and would not take no for an answer. She did everything in her power to grasp him in her clutches. She had followed him to almost of their shows in California and would just so happen to be “conveniently” wherever he was scheduled to be. She had relentlessly pursued him until finally one night after one of their shows; he just gave up and surrendered. To be honest, he was just tired of sleeping alone. He wanted a warm body to lie next to at night. Sure, he felt guilty for betraying Hannah in this way, but she had ended it, not he. Besides, it has been almost two years since he has seen her. It was high time that he get on with his life.

They had fucked on the couch in his dressing room right then and there. It was rough, quick and dirty and they were both stoned out of their mind.

Quite a memorable night he should say…

After that, they just pretty much flowed to a pseudo relationship of sorts.

Whenever they were together they were either getting high, getting drunk, fucking or throwing fists at one another. Leslie was strictly a cocaine head. Only upon rare occasions would she do heroin.

Many had said that their union was a ticking time bomb readying to detonate at any moment and he had to agree.

Jack knew that Leslie was not his soul mate.

Hannah was the only one whom would ever hold that title.

He knew right away they both were not meant to be with one another. The only time they could tolerate one another was when they were high. If they were not fucking, they were getting stoned. When you would catch them sober, the only thing you would see them doing is hollering and screaming at one another.

Leslie was always the more volatile one in the relationship; while he was the laid back go with the flow type. There was one time when she even chased him around with a kitchen knife and missed his chest by a fraction of an inch!

He feels what they have is one sided. She feels way more for him than he does for her. He wished that he could feel something for her. So much that he has even tried to talk himself into caring for her, but he just does not. Maybe it solely has to do with the fact that he does not want to feel anything for her.

When he looks at her, there is nothing. She is just there. A person whom fills that void, that lonely and cold space. No one will ever understand the depths of his own loneliness. Sometimes he feels as if he is a fugitive trying to escape from his own life, but no matter what he does. It just finds him where he goes.

It is inescapable.

Leslie always tries to change him and mold him to what she considered to be suitable for the kind of man she wants and he is not about that. He refuses to have them be that rock star and model cliché couple. It’s sickening that she tries to use what they have for publicity.

Do not get him wrong, he likes her very much. It is just he does not love her and that is two entirely different things. With her, there are no expectation, no strings attached. He likes her for she is fun and a down for anything girl. A girl that likes to experiment and will try anything once. Sexually she has to be the most wildest he has ever encountered and in his line of profession, it was heedless to say that he has tried everything at least once. She has indulged some of his many kinky fetishes and has even went as far as to having a ménage a trios with him. She seemed to love every minute of it. Hell, she seemed to enjoy the other woman more than him. Of course they all were high on ecstasy at the time to heighten the experience, but he had to admit, she was by far the craziest lover he has had, but nothing could compare to Hannah and what they shared.

Anyone else was incomparable to her. That was the sole reason why he was with Leslie in the first place. She was the complete opposite of Hannah in every single way possible. She is the basis of his comparison to everyone and no one he has met yet is worth trying to compare.

But that was only carnal satisfaction. Things that satiated his body.

He needed something that fulfilled his soul. After the act was done and they were lying in the bed, the silence was almost deafening. It felt as if a stainless steel wall were between them. It was different when he was with Hannah for they never needed to fill the empty silence with superficial words because just being together was enough for them.

Everyone knew that their relationship was doomed from the start when the only things they had in common with one another were sex and drugs.

Jack had fully given up on finding that special someone he should spend eternity with. He thought he had found that person, but it turned out to nothing more than a lie. Anyway, he did not think he would even make it that long. He had always liked the idea of someone being out there whom would fully understand the man that he is. That he would trust enough to finally reveal that vulnerable side of himself to. The side that craves the solace of knowing there is someone there for him who will never leave. Who will never abandon him and who will fully and truly accept him for who he is and will never want to change him.

Even Hannah, the love of his life thought he was not good enough.

If his life were a movie, he would light a cigarette and the smoke would curl around his face. Everything would be interesting. He’d play the good guy in every scene.

Sometimes he feels as if he is standing upon a rooftop just teetering on the edge and no one will be there to catch him when he falls for he knows that is the inevitable. But how can someone help him if they know not what is going on right in front of them?

Everyone that was once his friends have now seemed to turn their backs upon him one way or another. Even his band mates do not even want to be around him anymore. Hell, he does even want to be around himself.

As he looks upon Leslie at this moment, he wonders what she sees in him.

Sometimes he feels as if he embarrasses her by the way he dresses and acts. Leslie is the perfect faker. She can damn near hide anything. If they only knew what little Miss Perfect does behind closed doors. He doubts that Seventeen Magazine would want her in a spread seeing her face after doing about twelve lines of coke. But no one will ever know that. She is what everyone in this town is. She hides behind her designer clothes and plasters a plastic smile.

If they only knew…

Jack shrugged and said, “We just do what we do, man. It’s none of your fucking business.”

His voice is husky from exhaustion and from those two shots of Jack Daniel’s he just had. He takes a deep drag of his cigarette and blows it high up in the air above his head nonchalantly.

The journalist seemed to be very irritated for his cryptic answer and he sat down, giving Jack a sharp look.

The band’s manager cleared his throat and covered quickly for him by saying, “The relationship between Jack and Leslie is not what we’re here for. We here to solely talk about the album and that is it.”

The rest of the bandmates all looked at Jack in contempt.

There was a thick cloud of silence that hovered in the room and the awkwardness was so thick you could cut it with a knife.

Dale broke the silence by saying, “I guess that concludes the interview for tonight. The band has to get ready for tonight’s performance.”

The journalists around the room all nodded their heads and ushered quickly out of the room as if they could not wait to get out of there.

Now it was just the band, Dale and Leslie.

Leslie walked over to Jack and took her place by his side.

Spunk sighed , “Good going, Mercer. What the fuck are you trying to pull, huh? You made us look like fools.”

Jack just laughed and said in a sardonic tone, “Ooh, sorry to ruin our reputations. I know how important our image is.”

Will scoffed, “Look at you. You’re fucking stoned outta your mind, man.”

Manny interposed between the two men before any trouble began, which there seemed to be a lot of lately, “Come on. Not now. This is a very important night for us.”

Dale nodded, “Manny’s right. Lets not fight tonight.”

Jack sighed and just walked out of the room, heading to the greenroom. He really could use another fix. Leslie trailed right behind him and reminded Manny of a little puppy dog following its master.

In many ways that was what Leslie was to Jack, his dog. For the past few months it seems all the band has been doing is fighting. They are constantly at one another’s throats and it begins over the most petty and trivial things. What they all failed to realize was that the fights they are getting in over this nonsense has nothing to do with that particular situation, but actually stems from something far more complex. They all vent their frustrations out on one another, which cannot be good for a band that wants a career of longevity. The endless tension and friction does not go unnoticed. It is felt whenever they are in a room together.

Maybe they are spending far too much time with one another and need a break to themselves. What the problem is that they never had a vacation from the band. Right after a year and a half of touring, they were right in the studio again.

Jack was not helping matters either. He seemed to be spiraling out of control. His drug habit was far from a secret and he made no attempts in hiding it.

That was just the way he was. Nothing shamed him for he would never be anything than what he truly was.

Manny had always respected him due to that.

Manny had tried everything in his power to get Jack off of the drugs, but he would just not give it up. He said that it was the only thing that had helped him cope with their hectic schedules and traveling. He just thought it was pure and utter bullshit. He just did it to escape.

He was unhappy and lonely.

That was no secret either. Leslie only seemed to make things worse. What he needed was someone whom was a positive influence upon him. Someone whom would inspire him to be a better person.

Someone like Hannah…

Manny was not sure what exactly Jack needed, but he was positive that if he continued the way he was. He would never be alive to see his twentieth birthday.

Manny could care less about The Spares any longer.

He cared not about the money, the fame, the fans, the accolades or awards.

He cared about his best friend…

Manny had thought about calling Hannah for he knew that if anyone could help him, it would be her, but he decided against it. He was sketchy on the details, but he was certain the two of them had a falling out and they have not spoken to one another in almost two years. It was made plainly obvious to him on several occasions that Hannah was a very sensitive subject for him.

Then again, what wasn’t anymore?

Jack walked briskly into the greenroom and headed straight to the bar. He took a bottle of Jack Daniel’s and picked up a glass to pour it in. He muttered an obscenity and threw the glass against the wall and just chugged it straight from the bottle.

Leslie made a face and crossed her arms over her chest, “What the fuck are you trying to do, kill yourself?”

Jack cocked his head to the side, smiling ruefully, “I could only be so lucky.”

Leslie sighed and just shook her head as she sat down upon the couch. He was really beginning to become out of hand lately and she was really starting to worry about him. When she had first met him. His drug and alcohol use was not that severe as it is now. He would do a little everyday and have a couple beers, but now he turned to the harder liquors and harder drugs. Sure, she uses herself but only to an extent and she knows her limits. Just a little coke to get her through a grueling and long day.

Almost all of her friends have asked her what she sees in him and to be honest, she does not even know herself. Maybe it was due to the fact that he was so different from any guy she has ever dated before. When she had first met him, she found him to be so irresistible. He was the ultimate bad boy. The rock and roll cliché. He was so sexy, gorgeous, dark, mysterious and…tragic. Every girl wanted him. He was something new and exciting and she found that very enticing, alluring and…arousing. Finally, she had found someone she could be herself with and did not have to hide any longer. As far as she knew, he had never dated anyone else other than herself since he moved here and that meant so much to her. It meant so much to her that she went and done something so stupid.

Falling in love with him…

She knew she would only get hurt in the long run. She was not some naïve little girl that everyone seemed to think she was. She knew he did not love her for how can someone have love for another if they did not even love themselves? She truly thinks he probably does not even know what the word means. She knows for a fact that he probably has never had love for anyone in his life or been loved in return for that matter. And in saying that, she cannot blame him for the way he is now.

How can you love someone if no one ever taught you how?

They have been dating for a while now and she has yet to learn anything about him. He is an absolute mystery to her, an enigma. She knows just as much about him as the public does, which is zilch. It is almost as if there is a side of himself he does not want to show her. He is always distancing himself from her.

Whenever they are lying in bed, he never holds her nor does he let her hold him. As soon as they have sex, it is as if he wants to be as far away from her as possible. It is almost like she disgusts him in a way. Even when they are making love, it is hardly exciting nor adventurous as it had once been. It is as if his mind his elsewhere and he is just going through the motions. There were even times that just as he was about to cum, he would call her by someone else’s name. It had happened on far too many occasions for it to be a coincidence, It is always the same name, every single time.

Hannah…

Leslie wonders who this Hannah person is and what she means to be him. She has to be someone special for him to call her name out in the throws of orgasm. It never ceases to bring tears to her eyes for she know that as they are making love he is thinking of another woman. You do not understand what that could do to a girl’s spirit. Only people whom have experienced that same can fully understand her pain.

She knew that he was not cheating on her. If he was, she would have known by now. Everything that Jack did was hardly kept a secret for long. Every move he made was under strict surveillance. He was virtually under a microscope.

It made her wonder if he even wanted her at all or was just using her until something better came along, like this girl Hannah in particular.

Sure, he cared for her, but he did not love her. At least, not in the way she wanted him to.

She always knew there was someone else. A girl knows those kinds of things. She was always pressuring him to open up about his past, but never once did he divulge any information. It was almost as if he were ashamed of it in a way, like he had something to hide.

What had he done to be so guilty about? Or more importantly…what had been done to him?

Whenever she looks into his eyes, there is this faraway look in them. It is like he is not even there. They are so vacant, lifeless and…haunted.

She wondered what had happened to him in his past to put such a look in his eyes.

Leslie had tried her best to change him for the better, but it is no use. He will never change. Not unless he wants it himself and with good reason. It pains her for he is such a talented and brilliant musician. The music that he writes is so beautiful. He is such an incredible writer. What a shame he is putting such great talent to waste. He is the most gorgeous and sexy man she has ever laid her eyes upon, that is an undeniable fact. It is something that cannot be disputed.

What makes him even more dangerous is that he knows it.

Now as she looks upon him, she looks at him not with eyes of love and adoration as she once did, but eyes of pity and shame. Shame for the man he has become.

That he will inevitably die as…

Jack plopped down onto the couch next to Leslie.

He leaned his head back against the cushion and closed his eyes as he took a drag of his cigarette.

Leslie looked upon him and rolled her eyes. She asked him, “Are you going to change before you go out there?”

“Hadn’t planned on it. I’m comfortable with what I’m wearing.” His voice was husky which was a mixture of his regular tone coalesced with the whiskey. That was yet another one of the many things she always loved about him. His voice. It was so deep, soul piercing and masculine. It sounded so sexy, enthralling and alluring when he sang.

Shit, whenever he opened his mouth to speak, she could have an orgasm.

Leslie sighed , “I doubt that is suitable for your release party. It wouldn’t kill you to change into something more…not old. Or at least take that sweater off. God, whose is it? That could fit five of you.”

He ran both hands through his disheveled hair and let out an exacerbated sigh, ”Les, shut the hell up.”

She shook her head , “No, I won’t. You fucking look like something that just walked off the street and I am not going out there with you looking like that. Especially not when the press is out there. What the hell do you think the caption is going to say when they take our photo?” She let out an exasperated sigh, “God, my friends all ready don’t want to be around me because of you. I’m going to start to lose my fans as well.”

He bowed his head, “Sorry I’m such a fucking goddamn poison to your career. Why the hell you stay with me then, huh?”

Because I love you, that’s why, she silently replied to herself.

But that is something she would never, under any circumstances let him know. Some things are just better kept to one’s self. The last thing she wanted to do was to scare him off.

Leslie looked upon him intently. She took a few moments of deliberation as she carefully chose what she was going to say to him.

She shook her head, saying in a monotonous tone, “I don’t know why, Jack. I really don’t know.” She got up from the couch , “Look, I’m going to be out in the club area. Go meet with my agent and get some press. I’ll meet up with you later, all right?”

Jack said not a word, he just nodded. In all candor, he could not wait for her to leave.

“Good luck out there, huh?” She whispered into his ear as she kissed him upon his cheek.

He just nodded his head once again and stared straight ahead, looking blankly at the wall in front of him as she walked out of the greenroom.

Jack was finally glad to be left alone to his own devices. He really was a solitary loner by nature so he took value in those rare times when he could have a few moments to himself. But alas, here was yet another person to also nag him.

He sighed as he saw Dale walk into the room.

He took his glasses off and slid them upon the back of his head to pull his hair back. He noticed that his hands were slightly shaking and he knew it was due to the fact that he has not had a fix in well over two hours. He could feel the needle in his jeans against his thigh and his pulse began to race. It was such a bittersweet moment to know what was so detrimental to his existence was so close to him and yet he could do nothing about it.

Jack took another drag of his cigarette, “Here to preach to me about my erratic and destructive behavior?”

Dale’s eyes widened in mocked shock and he pointed to himself saying in a sarcastic tone, “Me preach? Never, why I should be insulted.”

Jack smiled, “Yeah, of course. Go on, preach about how I need to clean up my act for the sake of the band.” He rolled his eyes, sighing deeply, “And that I owe it to my fans to stay alive and give them another album. Just get it the fuck over with. I’m getting fucking jittery if ya know what I mean.”

Dale nodded, saying in an embittered tone, “Yeah, I know what you mean.”

Dale sat down onto the couch and turned to face Jack, “The band is starting to worry about you. I mean really worry.”

Jack rolled his eyes, “Well, tell them not to worry. I can do the goddamn tour.”

Dale shook his head , “They don’t care about any of that. They’re worried about you as your friends. We all are. You’re not doing a good job of hiding your problem. The press is starting to catch on as well and sooner or later, they are going to start printing it. They all ready printed photos of you so eloquently posed on the lawn of Leslie’s house so fucking stoned out of your goddamn mind. And what you did in there just now? One simple interview for the album. That’s all we ask.” He held up his index finger to emphasize his point,” One. And you fucking screw it up with your shit. What the hell are you trying to do? Ruin your career?”

Jack bowed his head ashamedly and heaved an anguished sigh.

He knew all that Dale was saying was of truth. How many times has he heard this same speech uttered to him? It has been so many times he has lost count and no matter what, it fails to have any effect on him whatsoever and Dale seems to know that. But he says it anyway for that’s what friend’s do, right?

Wrong, Dale is not Jack’s friend. He could care less about his well being. The only thing he cares about is the almighty dollar. He sees The Spares as what is making him a rich man and Jack is the essential of what makes the band so successful.

He is the lead singer after all. He is what has made their sound so distinctive. Without Jack, they would be nothing. You may call him conceited or an egomaniac, but it is a cold hard fact, even the other band members have said it. Which is why they are so worried about Jack’s welfare. If something happens to him, The Spares are done.

So why should Jack take value in anything that Dale says if it is not based upon pure and genuine care for him? Easy, he does not. He just nods his head and grins and bears it.

Jack shrugged, “I don’t know what to fucking say, Dale. It seems all I do is fuck things up anyway, right?“ He got up from the couch and patted Dale on the back, “I’ll see ya out there, man.”

Dale sighed, “Mercer”

Jack does not even turn back. He is slightly staggering and stumbling a little as he walks out of the greenroom. He makes a left turn and goes down the long and perilous hallway that leads to the bathroom and as he is walking, he suddenly realizes that he forgets entirely where it is. Forgetting, it is something he does a lot of lately. As he is upon stage, he frightens himself as he sometimes forgets lyrics to songs he knows like the back of his hand.

Maybe everyone is right…

He does need some help…

That's the risk you have to take if you change: that people you've been friends with won't like the new you...but other people who do will come along.

GO ONTO NEXT PART:

Chapter 46 cont...

Fri, 06 Apr 2007 04:12:45 GMT

Hannah was shrewdly awoken by the cacophonic sound of the buzz of her alarm. She slammed down the sleep button and muffled her loud groan with her head in the pillow.

She drudged up all the strength she could and sat up in the bed.

God, I fuckin hate Mondays. She thought to herself.

Mondays meant that another fun-filled day of school was about to begin. The only incentive she had to even get out of this bed was because she was paying for it. Well, some of at least anyway. Grants and student loans were covering the rest.

Loans she would be paying off until she was ninety-years old.

Hannah had enrolled into the University of Michigan a little over a year ago. This was her first choice ever since she decided she wanted to go to college. So you could understand her excitement when she received her letter of acceptance two weeks before her high school graduation. In all honesty, she never really thought they would want her considering she did not have many extracurricular activities nor any merits on her high school record, but she had the highest GPA in her Junior and Senior class and she was also a member of the Honor’s Society so maybe that had a little something to do with it. She was very proud of herself. She had worked her ass off to get to this point in her life. She rightly deserved it in her opinion.

To be honest, she did not have many friends and Jack was out of the picture, which meant no distractions. She could solely focus on her schooling. She never really had plans during the weekends. She just basically just sat in the house, read books and studied. Some would call it pathetic, but it got her to where she is now, so it was not all for nothing…right?

After long consideration and carefully mulling it over, she finally decided to major in Early Childhood Development Education. It just seemed like something she really wanted to do with the rest of her life. Considering where she had come from, it just seemed to make sense. She had thought about taking up photography as her major, but she did not really think that was wise. She wanted something that would be fulfilling, but also very practical and logical. Sure, she loved photography and would never give it up, but it just was not something she could see making a career out of. Of course, many others have made a living off of their pictures, but she could care less about the accolades or recognition. She did not take photos to please anyone but herself. Photography was a hobby of hers, something she could do leisurely in her spare time.

That was is if she ever had any. Her schoolwork took practically all of her free time away. Especially now since midterms were coming up before they went on their break for Thanksgiving. She really did like her courses though. They were so stimulating and gratifying. She could not think of a better career choice for herself.

Early Childhood Development spans the human life from birth to age 7. Education during this period is holistic in that it focuses on physical, intelligence/cognitive, emotional, and social education (PIES). Although early childhood education does not have to occur in the absence of the parent or primary caregiver, this term is sometimes used to denote education by someone other than these the parent or primary caregiver. It is important to note that both research in the field and early childhood educators view the parents as an integral part of the early childhood education process. Early childhood education takes many forms depending on the theoretical and educational beliefs of the educator or parent. Other terms that are often used interchangeably with "early childhood education" are "early childhood learning," "early care," and "early education."

The philosophy of early childhood education is largely child-centered education. Therefore, there is a focus on the importance of play. Play provides children with the opportunity to actively explore, manipulate, and interact with their environment. It encourages children to investigate, create, discover and motivate them to take risks and add to their understanding of the world. It challenges children to achieve new levels of understanding of events, people and the environment by interacting with concrete materials. Hands-on activities create authentic experiences in which children begin to feel a sense of mastery over their world and a sense of belonging and understanding of what is going on in their environment.

This philosophy follows with Piaget's ideals that children should actively participate in their world and various environments so as to ensure they are not 'passive' learners but 'little scientists' who are actively engaged.

Play is a very important and special part of childhood. It allows a child to experiment with the world around him and the emotional world inside him. To many it might seem like mere child's play but there is a lot of work going on behind the scene like skill building, problem solving, overcoming physical and mental challenges etc.

Playing with products made especially for the preschool children helps a child in building self confidence, encourages independent learning and clears his concepts. For the development of their fine and large or gross motor movements, for the growth of the child's eye-hand coordination, it is extremely important for him to 'play' with the natural things around him. Sand/mud/clay and water play a very important part here. Giving the child time and playing with him make him a confident human being. We as adults can enter his world of imagination and fantasy and let him control us. This generally helps in building his self confidence and he feels safe and secure with us. We tend to build his self esteem and morale when we give him time and attention.

When a child realizes that the things of his interest are important to us and that we appreciate his method of play and fun, he tends to get confident of himself. It also allows children to explore new friendships with those they interact with.

Hannah wants to work not only with foster children, but special needs children as well. She just really has a soft spot in her heart for children, especially those that have needs which are different to those of so-called “normal” and “well- balanced” children. Those are the children in which society had forgotten about. Maybe the reason she feels so strongly about this issue is because she is one of those children.

True recollection has characteristics by which it can be easily recognized. It produces a certain effect which she does not know how to explain, but which is well understood by those who have experienced it.

It is true that recollection has several degrees, and that in the beginning these great effects are not felt, because it is not yet profound enough. But support the pain which you first feel in recollecting yourself, despise the rebellion of nature, overcome the resistance of the body, which loves a liberty which is its ruin, learn self-conquest, persevere thus for a time, and you will perceive very clearly the advantages which you gain from it.

As soon as you apply yourself to orison, you will at once feel your senses gather themselves together: they seem like bees which return to the hive and there shut themselves up to work at the making of honey: and this will take place without effort or care on your part. God thus rewards the violence which your soul has been doing to itself; and gives to it such a domination over the senses that a sign is enough when it desires to recollect itself, for them to obey and so gather themselves together. At the first call of the will, they come back more and more quickly. At last, after countless exercises of this kind, God disposes them to a state of utter rest and of perfect contemplation.

For the first time in her life, she was truly happy. Well…as happy as she could be. Even though she was going to school and fulfilling her dreams, she still felt as if there was a huge part of her life missing, like there was some endless void and bottomless hollowed pit inside of her heart. And there was only one person in this Earth whom could fill it.

Jack…

Even though it has been almost two years since she has seen him. There has not a day that has gone by where she does not think of him. No matter where she was or whom she may be with at that moment, he never ceases to plague her mind.

She missed him the days when some pretext served to take him away from her, just as one misses the sun on a cloudy day without having thought much about the sun when it was shining.

It does not seem to help matters much that she hears his songs on the radio almost every goddamned day and sees him on television. She cannot even walk into a bookstore without seeing his face on a magazine. She refuses to buy any tabloids with his face on the cover for fear of what she would find if she should open up the pages. Having delusions of grandeur is sometimes a good thing, especially pertaining to their situation.

Do not get her wrong, she is extremely happy for his success, but how the hell is she supposed to get over him when he is blatantly staring her in the face every goddamned day?

Regardless, Hannah cannot lie. She is The Spares number one fan. She has bought both of their albums and listens to them religiously. She usually puts them on when she is studying or when she is lying in her bed at night before she goes to sleep. She closes her eyes and lets herself get swept away by his enthralling, captivating and haunting voice. When she listens to his songs, she can hear the rawness of pain etched in his tone and she wonders if by some small chance, he is thinking of her when he is singing. When she had first read the lyrics, she wondered if he had written them about their relationship for some of them really hit close to home. She could really relate to them. Then again, she always could. That was what she loved the most about them. They connected on a level that was so deep and spiritual. It went beyond anything they have experienced before nor ever will again.

Even now after so long of being apart, she still felt it.

It's like you think you're safe or something, cause you can just walk away, anytime because you don't need him. You don't need anyone. But the thing you don't realize is, you're wrong.

And then one day she looked around her and everything up until then was showing, and she wondered, 'how did I get here without even knowing where I was going?' And now there's no getting out of this and there's no going back, and it all seems so odd sometimes, and the odds all seemed stacked.

She had been a fool -- a fool to believe she could talk herself out of being in love with him. A fool to think that reason had anything to do with her heart.

But she also sensed it wasn't enough. She wanted something else; something different; something more. Passion and romance, perhaps, or maybe quiet conversations in candlelit rooms or perhaps something as simple as not being second.

He was a heartache waiting to happen.

She has bite marks on her tongue from all the things she never said.

Her heart longs to tell him about her love for him. She wishes she could. She wishes could tell him just how much he has touched her. Just how much he has taught her about love and life…about herself. Just how much he’s made her happy.. Just how when he holds her, her body tingles. Just how when he smiles at her, it touches her heart in such a way that no one else can ever come close to. Just how the way he loves her and makes her want to be a better person. Just the way with every breath she loves him more and more. Just the way she wanted nothing more than to be able to hold him everyday of her life, and how that alone would be enough. But, she can't tell him all these things, the way she truly feels him, because he is gone.

Never to return again.

Someday someone's gonna come along and put the pieces of her heart back together. She’s just worried about the one little piece that they're not going to be able to find, the one that makes the puzzle complete, the one that he took the day he walked away.

You know how it is when you don't want to miss them, but you want them to miss you.

Hannah’s tried to block his memory to protect her from the pain. Pretend she never knew him, and never heard his name. But the walls aren't strong enough and she fights her tears in vain. The feeling came creeping through and the hurt is still the same. She wished she could forget him, or make him see her now. She thought he really cared, but it seemed he doesn't know how, not really. The pain will ease in time, and though she knows it's over and what they had is gone, the memories will live forever in a corner of her mind.

There’s nights she spends an hour just looking at the photo on her dresser of them, standing there, together. It's one of those nights she’s ready to run cross country just to be by his side. On those nights where anything reminds her of him, of them. On those nights she doesn't know if her tears are happy because she has him at all, or sad because she misses him more than anything in this world.

Hannah lays there upon her blankets, and in the still of the darkness she pictures him and wonders where he is and what he is doing right now...wishing whatever it is, she could be a part of it. In a matter of seconds, just as quickly as the thought came, the silence breaks as she begins to cry.

In the short time they spent together, they had what most people can only dream about, and she’s counting the days until she can see him again.

He's gone now, so far away. Will she ever hold him again? Will he ever be hers once more? It doesn't matter. She loves him still. That will never change.

What they had was true love, she is one hundred percent positive of that fact.

True love means: I will stand by you, support you, and love you no matter what distance lies between us.

She doesn't know what's right. She doesn't know what's wrong. She only knows the pain that comes from waiting for him so long. And she doesn't count the teardrops that she's cried while he's away, because she knows deep in her heart, he'll be back someday.

Hannah reached over her bedside table and opened up the small drawer, taking out the piece of paper that lay inside of it.

She unfolded it gently as if it were the most precious thing in the world to her and began to read it, just as she had done a million times before. She had read it so often, she damn near memorized it:

Hannah,

Hey beautiful,

She smiled softly remembering how he always used to call her that.

I know that it has been almost a year since we’ve seen one another but I couldn’t let another day go by without writing to ya. I thought of calling ya, but to be honest, I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t hear your voice…It’d be too much for me to handle. Anyway, enough about that. How are ya? I hope you’re doing well. Mom told me that you just graduated high school and got accepted to the University of Michigan. Shit, that’s amazing. I always knew ya could do it. Ya were always smarter than me anyway.

Hannah frowned reading those words. She hated when he put himself down like that because in her eyes, he was intelligent.

I put a check in with this letter that should cover some of your expenses for school. I wish I could give ya more, but my manager’s a rip off. Now, I know how much ya need the money right now and your little stubborn ass would never ask for it or admit it. That’s one of the things I respected the most about ya was your independence.

Don’t even try to give it mom so she can send it back cause I won’t take it. It’s for you, you need it. If it weren’t for you, I would not be here right now. This is my way of being able to share my success with you. Cause you’re just as responsible for my success as I am.

Tears filled her eyes as she remembered what she felt when she saw that check for thirteen thousand dollars. She could not believe he had actually given her his first royalty check from his album sales.

I’d ask ya how you are, but I have no doubt in my mind that you’re good. You’re a fighter. You’re a hell of a lot stronger than me. I can see ya shaking ya head, but don’t even try to deny it sweetheart.

Regardless of what ya may think, I still think bout ya…every goddamn day. Some days you’re all I can think about. As ya probably all ready know now, I have a lot on my plate. Everything that ya said was gonna happen did. Ya were right, about everything. I did need to go out on my own and find myself. And I am…slowly but surely…I am. I just hope that you’re doing the same. Although there’s not a doubt in my mind that ya are.

Growing up with you will always be one of my favorite memories. You were without a doubt my first love and I will never forget the time spent with you. Though things and people change, memories remain and I will always hold ours close to my heart. We had our ups and downs as all high school relationships do, but I know what we had was real. I will always hold what we had on a platform because so far, you are all I know of love -- TRUE LOVE. I want you to know that wherever we are, no matter who we are with, I will always be there for you. Things are different, we are a lot older, we learned a lot along the way but I believe we will always have that soft spot for each other. I want to be the person 20 years from now when we are both married and happy with other people that you can count on should you need anything. I think about you pretty often, maybe once a day -- just wondering how you are and if maybe, just maybe, you are thinking about me. The time that I spent with you is what makes me believe in the word love. We had something at a young age that some people don't ever get to experience-the giving and receiving of true love. Be good to yourself and always remember that I love you, I will always love you. First love is something that never goes away -- you carry them with you always. I know first hand because I carry you with me each and every day... inside my heart.

I love you and always will.

Truly,

Jack

P.S: If ya ever need to talk to me or need me for anything, call me at 310-555-6254. It’s the number to where I live. I mean it, for ANYTHING. No matter what time. I would never deny ya…ever.

I will always be there for you

She scoffed and let out an embittered laugh. She vividly recalled the time she had swallowed her vicious pride and actually trudged up enough courage to call him. Just to say hello and see how he was doing and to thank him for the money. She will never forget the pain she felt when she heard the girl’s voice on the other end. She felt so belittled, embarrassed and ashamed that she abruptly hung up.

Hannah had cried herself to sleep that night.

She was not naïve. She knew he would eventually find someone else. A gorgeous, incredibly sexy and talented guy such as he does not stay single for very long. Girls were probably lined up to be with a guy like him. Now especially considering that he was a famous musician in one of the highest selling rock groups in the world. They were the “it band” of the moment.

When she awoke the following morning, it was as if she was seeing the world in an entirely new perspective. She had decided she was going to move on with her life for it was elucidated to her that he had. She was going to be happy and live her life to the fullest and she would be damned if she was going to feel guilty about it.

Not anymore.

To put the final nail in the coffin, she remembered buying their first album and reading the title of the first track, “Hannah Hold On.” She would never forget her shock upon reading that. She recalled going to her car and popping in the CD for she was so excited and nervous she could not wait until she got home.

She will never forget how she felt when she heard the first chords of the song. It started off so melancholy and dreary with him just playing piano. The way he sang the first few verses of the song brought tears to her eyes, “I never asked to be sorry…If its over its over for sure…I don't regret that I didn't want to…Remember what all this was for…”

The lyrics were so riveting and…eerie. It was as if he was singing right to her. Maybe in a way, that was just what he was doing.

Hannah was so heartbroken upon hearing the lyrics. Tears fell from her eyes as she sat there and listened to the rest of the song, “So this is all we can do…What news is in store
How come starting over…Would be frowned on anymore…Hannah hold on…Hannah hold on…Its all been said…Its all been done…I never witnessed bitter like this…I think i've been shot in cold blood…You won't admit it and I won't be around…Just so I hear the applause…”

Just as she thought the song was over, the sound of pounding drums and riffing guitar came into the song as Jack began belting out the lyrics, “This isn't all we can do…When in doubt should move on…No need to sort it all out…By the time you read this i'll be gone…Hannah hold on…Hannah hold on…Its all been said…Its all been done…Hang on…”

The way he sang those lyrics made her cry even harder. The bitterness and sorrow clearly etched into his tone sent chills down her spine, fleshing out Goosebumps upon her skin. He sang as if he were screaming out in gut wrenching sobs. It was as if he were crying as he was singing it. She wondered if he really was or if he had done it for dramatic effect.

But she had to believe when the music ceased and he whispered the final lyrics, “You only disappoint the ones who don't believe…Hannah hold on…I never asked to be sorry…If its over its over for sure…”

Hannah knew right then what he was trying to say to her. She finally understood what she had known all along, but was denying to herself. They were over…completely done. It was time to cue the music and roll the credits. She had to close the chapter upon her life so that she may begin a new one.

That’s the thing with breakups. The love fades, and you have to get used to not hearing, 'I miss you,' or 'I love you,' anymore. And the rest of your days are spent on trying to let go, or trying to move on. Or convincing that still hopeful heart of yours, that there isn't a chance left in the world, that you'll both end up being together again. Then you have to face the heartache that comes with the thought of your love being with someone else, and realize your chances of ever being with them again are getting more and more thinner each day.

Hannah folded the piece of paper back and wiped furiously at the tears that were falling from her eyes.

She laid the paper back into the drawer and closed it. She leaned back in the bed and sighed deeply.

Hannah looked over at her clock and shook her head, sighing. She could not deny the inevitable any longer, it was time for her to stop feeling sorry for herself and get her ass out of this bed and begin her day.

Hannah walked to her window and opened the blinds to let the sun shine through. It was such a beautiful fall day out. The sun was shining effervescently through the windowpane, sending florescent rays all throughout her darkened room.

She was so happy when she would finally be a Sophomore. That meant that she could have the privilege of her own room.

When she first came here and found out she had to share a room with another girl. The idea did not exactly thrill her for when she was back home, she really enjoyed the privacy her own room gave her, but she had adapted, which she was very good at. She was very good at compromising and sharing living quarters with others. She was a foster child after all. There would be times during her placement when she would be crammed in a room with five other children and share the same bed.

Besides, it was almost as if she were living by herself anyway for her roommate was hardly ever there. She was always sleeping out at her boyfriend’s apartment

Why is it then when we’re miserably single it seems that everyone around us is falling in love?

Moving away from Evelyn was the hardest thing she ever had to do, well the second hardest anyway. Nothing could compare to the unbearable pain she felt when she had to say goodbye to Jack. At least Evelyn was nearby and was only an hour away from where she was and not halfway across the county like some person who need not be named. She knew that it was something she had to do in order to grow as a human being. She needed to extend her wings and broaden her horizon. She needed a change of scenery and be surrounded by new people. She yearned for new challenges and experiences. Shit, she just needed a change period.

Besides, Hannah talks to Evelyn at least once a day, maybe two if she is not that busy with her workload at school. She even drives back every Sunday for dinner and visits on holidays and special occasions. She would never forget about her family. They are an integral part of her life. She owes a huge part of whom she is to them. If it were not for them, she does not know where she would have ended up.

It is a thought she does not even want to think about.

But those days were long gone. It was time for her to stop dwelling in the past and start focusing on her future, which was exactly what she was doing.

She grabbed her towel, her shampoo and robe and walked down to the lavatory to shower and get herself ready for school.

The hallways were jam packed with students . She had to practically shove through everyone to make her way to the showering area.

The Master of the dorm rooms was running frantically about trying to get everyone situated. She was the woman whom was charge of the Mosher-Jordan Hall, which she was roomed in. It was a fairly small community dwelling for the students. Usually, it was so quiet that you could hear a pin drop. The main rule in the House was for everyone to be respectful so people that may reside in a studious environment. It is a very small and diverse community filled with intellectual people who are focused upon their education, much like herself. It was her sole purpose for choosing to stay here.

Each House also has a Senior Tutor, faculty associates, tutors, and affiliates, some of whom reside in the House. A program of seminars, social service activities, plays, concerts, lectures, and special dinners and parties is sponsored by each House. Houses also field a variety of sports teams that compete in an intramural program. In effect, each House forms a small academic and social community within the larger context of the College and University. Students maintain their affiliation for three years, receive their diplomas within the House, and carry forward enduring friendships with other students, graduate students, and faculty.

They all get together in the library and have study sessions or intellectually stimulating conversations.

Each House also accommodates 330-450 students and has a dining hall, common rooms, and facilities for academic, recreational, and cultural activities. A Master and Co-Master (a professor or senior administrator and spouse or partner) are responsible for the overall management and well-being of the House community.

When she walked inside, she was surprised to see that it was all ready full. She hoped that by getting up at five thirty in the morning would put her at an advantage, but it looked as if they all had the same idea she did. Oh, well, it was much better than joining a sorority that was for sure.

A lot of girls her age were joining soroties, but that was not her thing. She lowered herself to go to one meeting. Never would she ever set foot in a sorority again. She just did not have anything in common with those girls. Not only were they gorgeous like models, but they were also wealthy, popular and very…perky. They could care less about school and the future. The only thing that was of worry to them were soirees, mixers and shopping. Not exactly what you would expect from the University of Michigan collegiate, but that was just the way it was here.

At UOM, there were three different social sects. The people who attended here through financial aide and scholarships, like Hannah. Who truly appreciated and genuinely loved learning and education. There was the second group who were the rich, but dedicated students who yearned for power, money and success. The real corporate raiders. Then there were just the rich kids. The ones who were not even smart enough for community college and breezed their way through high school. The only reason why they attended here was because frankly, they could afford it and their parents were influential and knew the right people. Give a few thousand to the school board and your child is in.

Those are the type of people that our running our country. The future George Bush’s of America.

After getting showered, Hannah walked back into her room and sat down at her vanity to brush her hair. She kept her hairstyle simple by just keeping it down and styled. It was now short with bangs that curtained her eyes. It reached down to her shoulders and she had it permanently straightened for the curls were getting on her nerves and were really hard to manage. Her schedule was so busy and chaotic that she needed something simple to maintain. She had to admit, it looked very good on her. Evelyn had said that it made her look much older and she had to agree. She wore minimal makeup. Just a little brown mascara, some light eyeliner and a medium brown eye shadow match her outfit. She put a mauve colored lipstick on and some lip gloss.

She sighed as she looked in the mirror. At least that was out of the way.

She looked at her clock and her eyes widened. She only had an hour to make it to her first class. Her schedule was considerably light considering it was the second semester, but that did not mean they were any less difficult. In fact, they seemed to be the most challenging she has ever had yet.

Before exiting her room, she looked at herself in the mirror and smiled. Here goes another semester. Another stepping stone to the beginning of her life. This was the year that was going to mold her entire life. Her entire future was riding upon how well she performed academically this year. She had to be completely focused one hundred percent upon her school work. No distractions. She could not afford it. She has not worked and sacrificed and made it this far only to throw it away due to foolishness.

Her first class was at nine in the morning, which was aptly titled, “Foundational Perspectives on Educational Reform.”

Her second class was at eleven in the morning, which was named, “Research and Educational Practice.” That lasted until one thirty within the afternoon.

Then she had lunch until two in the afternoon and then it was off to, “Theory and Practice in Early Childhood Education” It was the third extended class of the other first two which she had. It was the same professor whom taught all three.

Hannah had also enrolled in the Detroit Project. A student organization at the University of Michigan with the mission of connecting the University community with the Detroit Community through active service learning. Each year, the group holds weekly programs with over 200 students volunteering as mentors in schools, churches, and non-profits in the Brightmoor and Southwest neighborhoods of Detroit. Also, every April the group brings over 1,000 volunteers for a one-day service-learning event known as DP Day. They seek to unite the University of Michigan and Detroit through fulfilling community partnerships. Their service-learning programs strive to address social issues, raise awareness and break stereotypes about Detroit. She had first become aware of the program from Evelyn. She really enjoyed it. It was her chance to give back to the community and make a different in children’s lives.

Just as Evelyn had done for her.

Humans Rights is something that which she feels very strongly about. One day everything will be owned by somebody and she’s not just talking goods here. She’s talking human rights, human services, essential services for life. Education, public health, social assistance, pensions, housing. She’s also talking about the survival of the planet. The areas that we believe must be maintained in the commons or under common control or we will collectively die.

It is not enough to be good. You must be good for something. You must contribute good to the world. The world must be a better place for your presence. And the good that is in you must be spread to others. In this world so filled with problems, so constantly threatened by dark and evil challenges, you can and must rise above mediocrity, above indifference. You can become involved and speak with a strong voice for that which is right.

You can hold yourself back from the sufferings of the world, that is something you are free to do and it accords with your nature, but perhaps this very holding back is the one suffering you could avoid.

Hannah really loves this program for these people are she. She sees her face in each and every single one of them. Sure, she may not actually be saving the world, but she is doing what she can with the resources she has. Every little bit of help makes a difference.
It was Evelyn whom had instilled that knowledge within her. She will be eternally thankful for all that she has done for her. That is what she strives for, to be like her one day. She knows she has a long way to go to ever achieve such an insurmountable goal, but she is taking small baby steps toward her dreams.

She was so happy that it was now time for lunch. It truly was her favorite part of the day. It was a break from her long and grueling schedule. The classes she was taking were really difficult. It seemed as if all she ever did was study. She hardly had any time to do anything else. Not that it mattered anyway. She really did not have many friends on campus, but do not feel sorry for her. It was more her fault than anyone else’s. It was not as if she went out and actually tried making friends. All she would ever did was sit in her dorm room and study, or for a change of pace and scenery, she would go to the library. Sometimes on a warm day, she would go out outside and sit on a bench and read.

Hannah was walking out of the line with her lunch when she saw one of her friends walking over to her.

Her name was Ally Hopkins. She was in her Freshman year as well . The two of them met during this year’s orientations. Ally was originally from Brooklyn, New York, but moved here when she received a full scholarship to the school of her dreams. Ally came from a less than stellar upbringing just as Hannah had. They really had a lot in common. Maybe that was the sole reason why they quickly struck up a friendship. Her mother worked as a cleaning lady in an upscale building in Manhattan and her father worked as an engineer for the railway station. Ally said that if it was not for the scholarship and financial aide, it would have be impossible for her to come here. She was first person in her family to ever go to college.

Hannah could really tell that Ally loved being here and truly valued her experience. Why else would she study so hard to receive that scholarship? It was as if the two of them learned from one another. Ally gave Hannah more confidence and gave her the erudition of standing up for herself and to never back down from what you believe in. To not let the naysayers dissuade you from what you want out of life. There were so many people that had told Ally it was impossible for her to ever attend here. That it was not for women such as her, but she did not listen and went for it. Look at her now. She is truly the epitome of what it is to live out your dreams and reach for the stars if you just have a little faith.

She liked to think that she was a mentor to Ally. When she first had come here, she was so frightened and felt like such an outcast. Here was this little Hispanic girl from Brooklyn . Hannah was the one in which introduced herself and showed her around. She was a friend to her when she did not have anyone. She was so alone and away from all her family and friends. She felt so out of her element. She had been in her shoes many times and knew what it felt like to be alone and to not have anyone to rely upon. Hannah’s friendship seemed to make her more at ease and feel more at home. Everyone needs a friend.

After that day, the two of them became the best of friends.

She reminded Hannah of Amanda in a lot of ways. Maybe that was why she felt such a kinship towards her.

Ally was always a very pretty girl, but there just seemed to b something different about her. She was what you would call a very striking woman. She was of Hispanic and African-American descent. Her father being Hispanic and her mother being African-American. She was very tall standing at over five foot ten, which her being a short girl, she envied.. She has such an amazing figure that she could be a model. She had shoulder length hair that was wavy and full and thick. It tumbled down her back in waves. She had a dark olive skin tone, which went well with her amazing dark brown eyes. They were really mysterious looking. Everything about her exhibited beauty and charisma. She was the total package. Beauty and brains. It was a lethal combination.

Evelyn had also uttered those same words to her one day.

She had said that once she came here the boys would be swarming for her affection, but she knew she was only saying that to make her feel better. She was her mother. Moms had to say things like that. It was the number one rule in the mother’s handbook guide to raising teenagers.

Ally was very popular with the men. She always had men hitting on her wherever she went, but she never had time for that. In fact, she was in a serious relationship with this young man from Brooklyn. They really seemed to be in love and devoted to one another. Ally had said that they have been together since they were in ninth grade. She envied their relationship. He seemed to really be in love with her and supported her in all of her endeavors. She was surprised how well they seemed to make their long distance relationship work.

At least someone was lucky in love. Hannah thought bitterly to herself.

His name was Daniel and he was three years older than her. Hannah had met him a few times when he came to visit her. He seemed like a really nice guy. He was a little rough around the edges, but a good man all the same. Ally had told her that he was attending New York University as a journalism major. As long as he treated her well. It was all that counted.

Ally looked at her friend and smiled softly. She was always so happy to see her. She really liked Hannah. She was such a warm and kindhearted person. On her first day here, she was the first one whom had reached out to her when no one else would give her the time of day. It never ceased to baffle her how she could be so positive and optimistic considering everything she has endured.

Ally was shocked by how well she had turned out considering her surroundings and upbringing. One would think she would be cold and off Standish, but she was far from that. She was one of the most extraordinary woman she has ever met. She is not only kind, warm and caring, but she is also a great friend. She is always there for when she needs her. She was really the only person who had showed her any kindness since she first started here and she will be eternally grateful for that. Ally finds herself somewhat envying her in a lot of aspects as well. She is such a sophisticated, graceful and classy woman. She holds herself with so much dignity and honorability. She is so extremely well mannered, witty and intelligent. To think after all she had gone through and came out as the defeatist. She had defied the odds and hurdled so many insurmountable goals to be where she is now. That is a lot to be admired. She is going to be something great. Hannah is destined for amazing things. You can tell it just by looking upon her.

Ally gave her a hug, “Hey, girl, what’s up?”

Hannah shook her head and smiled, “Nothing much…you?”

Ally sighed and rolled her eyes, “Uh…classes are fucking killing me.”

Hannah chuckled softly, “Hey, you’re the one who wants to become a lawyer. See, I refuse to aim so high. Instead, I chose a more…lesser sentence.”

Hannah smirked while Ally just shook her head and rolled her eyes, “Ya wanna go outside and sit? It’s really nice out there today.”

Hannah nodded, “Yeah…that sounds great actually. I could use some fresh air.”

Hannah and Ally chose to sit at a picnic table in a quiet and secluded spot under a tree.

“So how’s your day been so far?” Hannah asked her.

Ally shrugged, “Eh, can’t complain. What about you? How was yours?”

Hannah shrugged, “It’s been good. So, have ya talked to Daniel?”

Ally bowed her head bashfully as she felt the heat rising to her cheeks at the mere mention of his name, “Yeah, I did. He wants me to spend Thanksgiving with his family since my parents are going to my aunt’s house.”

Hannah smiled softly, “That’s nice. So, ya gonna go?”

Ally nodded, “Yeah…I think I will. I really like his parents. They’ve always been good to me. Ya wanna know what I think?”

Hannah nodded her head.

“I think that he’s gonna ask me to marry him. I can just tell by the way he‘s been hinting around on the phone.” Ally bounced excitedly in her seat, looking almost like a little girl.

Hannah bowed her head as she felt the all too familiar feeling of tears swelling within her eyes. Even though she was extremely happy for her friend, there was apart of herself that felt very jealous and bitterness towards her as well. She just could not seem to help it. She felt that way when she saw any couple in love. There was once a time in her life when she too had that, but she let her stubbornness get in the way of her happiness and what she truly wanted, which was to be with Jack.

Why can they not have what others share? If they loved each other as much as they said they did, why was it not strong enough to keep them together? She had known it was love. It had to be. She had felt it.

She looked down at her hand and a small smile formed upon her face as she looked at the ring he had given her. Even now until this day she wears it, never taking it off unless she absolutely has to. She wears it not as some maudlin reminder of all that once was and never could have been. She simply wears it because she knows what it represents. He had given it to her out of pure and sincere love. It symbolizes their everlasting bond and friendship. It is a sort of tribute in a way to the connection they had once shared.

Still share…

Hannah slowly lifted her head and smiled, “That’s great. I’m happy for you.”

Ally smiled beamingly, “So am I. Ya don’t know how long I’ve been waiting for this day to happen.”

Ally noticed the crestfallen look on Hannah’s face and instantly regretted her words. There was this pained and haunted look that was brightly alit within her eyes and sorrow shrouded her features. She would know that look anywhere. That was the look of a girl with a broken heart. Fortunately, she had never had to go through such misery and quite frankly she never wanted to, but she had witnessed her sister crying almost every night over some loser boy whom did not appreciate her enough.

Hannah had never once mentioned a boy and she had never wanted to bring it up for she thought it was not her place to do so, but she was absolutely positive that just what it was. She would bet her life on it. What had happened between the two of them to make them break up? Was it mutual or had they broken up because they were heading down separate paths? That seemed very logical considering most high school relationships never last once couples’ graduate, which was why she felt so lucky she and Daniel were still going strong considering they were so far away from one another.

Whatever it was, she knew that Hannah must have been very in love with him for since she has known her, she had never seen her with any guys. Even though many of them have been very interested in her. Guys were always coming up to her and asking her out, but she always turned them down. She always made the lousy and poor excuse that she just did not have any time due to her schoolwork, but Ally knew better.

“You love him a lot, huh?” Hannah beseeched of her.

Ally nodded, “Yeah, I do. He’s my first love and I hope to be my last.”

Hannah smiled, but inwardly, she was thinking to herself, I know the feeling

“So, speaking of love. How’s it going with Chase?” Ally asked her, grinning from ear to ear.

Hannah heaved a laborious sigh and rolled her eyes, “Ya know there’s nothing going on with Chase and I. We’re just friends.”

Ally nodded her head knowingly and smirked, “Yeah, ya might think so, but I bet he doesn’t. In fact, I would bet my life on it. I would sink my claws in him, girl. He‘s quite a catch.” She shook her head and scoffed, “Shit, I’d be on him if I didn’t have Danny.”

Hannah just rolled her eyes once again and decided it was best to remain silent. For what could she say when it was the truth?

Chase Julian Spencer was a Senior majoring in Medecine. He was not only extremely handsome, but he was also very wealthy as well. He was five foot ten with an athletic build. He had golden blonde hair that was medium length, which he would always sweep back in a preppy and sophisticated style. He had these piercing baby blue eyes which seemed to shine even more brilliantly against his olive skin tone. He came from a very established well to do family, but in no way was he snobbish. He was actually quite nice. Very nice really. He was a real gentleman.

The two of them had met during her orientation. She had dropped all of her books upon the floor and he being the gentleman that he is, bent down and picked them up for her. He even went as far as to carry her books to her next class so that she would not have to lug them herself. As cheesy and predictable as that may seem, she really fell for it. He was not only very charming, but also well-mannered, extremely intelligent, witty, clever, cultured and sophisticated. The list went on. He had traveled all over the world and even spoke five languages. What made him even all the more perfect was that he was born in Melbourne Australia just as she was. Of all the people for her to meet, she finds him in over fifty thousand people. It was like fate for them to meet.

The two of them seemed to have a lot in common, regardless of their drastically differet upbringings. He was a really enjoyable guy to be around. He was like a breath of fresh air. He was so different from Jack. They were like night and day, the complete opposites of one another. That was the sole reason why she liked him. He made her laugh and she felt comfortable around him, like she could be herself and he would not judge her.

Regardless of that fact, she still did not feel right opening up to him about her past. She just could not trust him, no matter how much she wanted to.

Hannah was not dumb nor oblivious that he had feelings for her and wanted much more than friendship, but she just could not commit herself to him. Sure, he was a great guy and everything, but he was not whom she wanted, which was Jack.

The two of them have been somewhat dating for almost three months now and have done nothing remotely sexual beyond a quick peck on the cheek. He was such a respectful guy that not once did he try anything with her. She wished she could feel an attraction for him. He was a really good looking man. She should feel something for him, but she just cannot. It feels as if something is holding her back.

Well, one thing in particular.

In some strange way, she felt as if she were cheating on him for some reason. Her heart was only reserved for one man and one man only. She felt so guilty hurting Chase like this because she did care for him. Just not in the way he wanted her to. She cared for him as a friend, nothing more.

Hannah feels so bad for him. He is such an amazing man. Any girl in their right mind would be so lucky to have a guy such as him. He should not be wasting all of his time on her. He should be with someone much more deserving and worthy of him. Someone that would appreciate the extraordinary human being that he is. They were from two completely different worlds. She did not deserve a man such as he nor ever will. She was not meant for guys like him.

There was only one man whom she was meant for.

After she and Jack had broken up, she made a vow to never let herself become disenchanted by men. To solely focus on her schooling. She just did not need the distractions any longer. Her whole future was riding on this and she would be damned if she let anyone stand in the way of that.

No matter how gorgeous and charming they were.

Ally look behind Hannah’s shoulder and smirked, “Uh oh, speak of the devil.”

Hannah turned around and saw Chase walking over to them.

When Chase reached their table, he gently grasped Hannah’s shoulders and leaned down, giving her a quick peck on her cheek.

“Hey.” He whispered to her.

Hannah smiled softly, “Hey yourself.”

Chase looked over at Ally and smiled, “Hey, Ally. How are you?”

Ally smiled and shrugged her shoulders, “Eh, can’t complain.”

“Am I interrupting you two ladies?” Chase asked kindly.

Ally shook her head, “Nah, not at all. I was just leaving actually. I have to go to the library and pick up a book.”

Hannah looked at Ally and shook her head, not believing her shady story one bit. She knew exactly what she was trying to do. It was not as if she were being subtle about it, especially since she winked and had a wide smirk on her face.

Ally gave Hannah a hug and a quick peck on her cheek, whispering in her ear, “I’ll call ya later, kay?”

Hannah nodded her head, “Yeah, bye.”

Ally smiled at Chase and said goodbye to him as well, which he returned in kind.

Ally then walked off, leaving the two of them alone together.

Chase sat down at the table, sitting across from Hannah, “So, how have you been?”

Hannah shrugged, “I’ve been good. Yourself?”

He shrugged his shoulders and heaved a laborious sigh, “I’ve been all right. Mid-terms are bloody murder. If I thought premed was going to be this hard I would have just gone into journalism like I wanted to.”

Her eyes widened in surprise, “Ya wanted to go into journalism?”

Chase nodded, “Yeah. I was editor of my school paper back in Australia. Ya seem surprised about that..” He grinned, “Why? Am I that stuffy?”

Hannah rolled her eyes and playfully slapped his shoulder, “No, not at all.” She nodded her head, “Okay, maybe just a little bit”. She winked, letting him know she was only jesting.

He shook his head and chuckled.

Hannah ducked her head bashfully when he looked directly into her eyes and smiled boyishly at her. She could feel the heat rising to her cheeks out of her own volition. She could not help it. He was handsome.

What normal warm blooded girl would not blush when a good looking guy smiles at them?

She felt her eyes unconsciously roving his form. He really did look cute today. He was dressed in chinos, a light gray turtle neck sweater and a black knee length pea coat. His sandy blonde hair was wild and disarrayed from the wind and his face was covered in a light stubble, like he did not have enough time to shave this morning. It gave his boyishly handsome face a more rugged and masculine look. His eyes were really pretty as well. They were a clear blue. They almost remined her of the ocean in a way. He was so quaffed to perfection. He dressed so stylishly and meticulously. He really could be a model. He all ready dressed the part looking like he just stepped off a GQ shoot.

Any woman in their right mind would feel so lucky to be in his presence.

But as she looked at him, all she kept thinking was; How come Jack was not in his place instead of he? She yearned to hear his spine tingling voice once again, whispering in her ear words of love. To see him smile that certain way he only did whenever he was around her. To feel the warmth of his strong and loving embrace. To feel his touch. She missed everything about him.

Sometimes when the two of them would be having a conversation, she would drift off and imagine what Jack was doing at that moment and if he was thinking of her as she was of him .

Is that not horrible? To be thinking of another man while in the presence of another.

Maybe she really was a heartless and cold bitch.

She sure felt like one at the moment.

As Chase looked at Hannah, he noticed that faraway look in her eyes he was always accustomed to seeing. It was as if she was here physically, but mentally she would be in an entirely different place altogether.

Sometimes he wonders who she's picturing when she looks at him and smiles

Sometimes he wondered what she was thinking at that moment, or most importantly, whom she was thinking of. There had to be something that put the haunted look within her eyes. He just wished she would trust him enough to tell him.

He rolled his eyes inwardly, thinking to himself, Yeah, like that’s going to happen anytime soon.

If there was one thing he had learned about Hannah in the time he had known her it is that she is a very private person whom does not trust easily. He can tell in the way she acts around him. It is almost like she is distancing herself from him. There are these barricades she keeps up, making it damn near impossible for anyone to get in and know the real her.
He often spends a lot of time wondering what had happened in her past for her to hold up such defenses. Whatever it may be, he knew that it must have been for good reason, which was the sole reason why he would have patience and wait until she was ready to let him in.

If ever…

The rate their relationship was going. It was not likely to happen to anytime soon, which was a real shame because he cared about her…a lot. Regardless of their vastly different backgrounds, surprisingly they had a lot in common. They like the same music, the same authors, the same art and she was also a fellow Aussie. If that was not considered fate for them to meet, then he did not know the meaning of the word.

She was far different from any other girl he had met in his entire life. She did not care about all those superficial and materialistic things that girls her age were interested in such as fashion, makeup, jewelry, shoes and most importantly…money. He knew the only reason why women dated him was because he was rich. Without sounding conceited, he knew he was handsome, but when you get down to the fundamentals, that is not what women care about. All they wanted to know was how much a man was banking. As much as they would deny it, it’s the cold hard truth. That is what they found most attractive and alluring about him. He was always so apprehensive about telling women that he was from a wealthy family. Although, they could probably figure it out by the 2004 BMW he drove, but Hannah did not seem fazed by any aspect of his lavish lifestyle.

She could care less about his trust fund or what kind of car he drove. All she cared about was the person he was inside. He could tell just by looking into her eyes that it was not some act or ploy for his affections. She was a very genuine and sincere person. She was honest, up front and told you the truth, regardless if you wanted to hear it or not. That is the one thing he respected the most about her, was her independence. She did not rely upon anyone else but herself.

I wish I could say the same for myself. He thought to himself bitterly.

Chase always had his parents to rely on. They took care of all his expenses. He had never worked a day in his life nor had to pay for anything. This is why it was so important that he go to school to get a career where he did not have to depend on them any longer. He had always envied Hannah because of that. She did not have to answer to anyone but herself. She was balancing both a job and school. He admired her strength and perseverance. She truly was someone he wanted to get to know a whole lot better.

That was if she ever let him get close enough…

Hannah was so beautiful. She was everything that a man could ever want. She is everything he wants. If only she would see it the same way. He knows she wants to be nothing more than friends. She has told him that many times and he is going to respect her wishes, because he would rather be in her life as her friend than not be in it at all. When he first met her, something told him she was not someone he would be able to dismiss so easily. He has to admit, it is becoming increasingly more difficultt each day to be near her and to know he cannot have her.

Through his whole life, he has been used to getting whatever he wanted. Why is it that he cannot have her? What is it about him she does not like?

Maybe it is not even him at all. It could be just her. Or better yet…

Someone else…

“So would you consider me to be a little ahead of myself if I asked you what you were doing this Friday night?” Chase asked her. He bowed his head bashfully and gazed up at from under his lashes, preparing himself for rejection.

Hannah shook her head and smiled, “No not at all. Why, ya have something in mind?”

Chase looked at her in wide-eyed shock.

He was not expecting that reaction at all. Usually when he asks her, she comes up with some excuse that she has a paper due or has to study, or work. She always has a sly way of dodging him. He does not know why he even bothers to ask. Maybe it is solely because after everything, he keeps hoping one day he could have a chance with her.

She had to smile when she saw the look that came upon his face. He looked almost like a deer caught in headlights. Maybe it was because every time he asks her out, she always turns him down, but not this time. She wanted to shock him and keep him on his toes. Besides, she was tired of sitting in her room every goddamned weekend while everyone else was out having a good time. She was an eighteen year old college student for Christ’s Sakes. It was about time she started acting like it. These were the pivotal years of her life and she would be damned if she would miss out on anything.

Why should she feel guilty about living her life when it was made plainly obvious that Jack was? He seemed to be doing fine without her all of these years. He was in Los Angeles living the life of a famous rockstar, surrounded by gorgeous supermodels whom would do anything for him. He was probably not even thinking about her. She was most likely not even a blip on his radar screen. He had forgotten about her a long time ago.

It was about time she do the same…

Besides, she really did like Chase. He was a really fun guy to be around. Maybe she should give him a chance. Who knows, he may just surprise her. They say love comes when you’re not expecting it or looking for it.

Maybe love had all ready found her but she was just too blind to see it blatantly staring her in the face.

He nodded his head sheepishly, “Yeah…I was wondering if you wanted to go out to dinner and a movie.” He shrugged his shoulders, “Or whatever you wanted to do. maybe spend some time together before we go on break.”

Hannah nodded and smiled, “I would like that…very much.”

Chase’s eyes widened once again, “You would?”

She nodded her head.

He smiled beamingly, “All right. I’ll pick you up at your dorm at seven. How does that sound?”

Hannah nodded her head, “That sounds great.”

Chase took a deep breath and grinned, “All right then. It’s a…date.”

“Yeah…a…date.” She said smiling.

It suddenly occurred to Hannah that this would be her first official date since she and Jack had split up. Okay, you could say that she and Chase have gone on many dates, but this was the first time in which they mutually agreed upon the term.

He checked his watch and sighed, “Uh. I hate to cut this short, but I have my next class in five minutes.”

Hannah shook her head, “No, don’t even worry about it. I don’t want ya to be late on account of me. Besides, I have a class in ten minutes myself.”

“Ya want me to walk you to your next class?” Chase asked her.

She smiled, “Nah, that’s all right. Ya go on ahead. I’m just gonna sit here for another five minutes. Enjoy the fresh air.”

Chase nodded and smiled. He got up out of his seat and walked over to Hannah, giving her a kiss on the cheek, but this time he let his lips linger far longer than they ever have before. It was elucidated to her that they were treading upon new territory.

But was she ready for it?

He whispered in her ear, “I’ll see you later. I really am glad you decided on going on with me this Friday Hannah. You won’t regret it.”

Chase walked away in haste, not even bothering to hear her reply.

As Hannah watched him walk away, she sighed deeply while thinking to herself, Lets hope not…

TBC…

I know…ya probably all hate me by now, but hey, what’s a story without some conflict and drama right?

Remember, this story has only eight more chapters to go so ANYTHING can happen.

The next chapter is going to be what EVERYONE has been waiting for.

Lament-Chapter 45

Mon, 02 Apr 2007 05:20:28 GMT

Chapter 45: Say Goodbye

“Not that you're the one…Not to say I'm right …Not to say today …And not to say a thing tonight …But suffice it to say …We're leaving things unsaid …We sing ourselves to sleep …Watching the day lie down instead …And we are leaving some things unsaid …And we are breathing deeper instead “
The Fray- Unsaid

Author’s Note: OKAY, this was a little sad for me to write. So, if ya cry like I did, I am sorry.

Jack awoke the next morning with an ominous sense of foreboding. Call it a gut instinct, but he knew that something was definitely going to happen. He rolled over onto his left side and sighed deeply when he looked over at the side which Hannah usually sleeps on was empty. In fact, it has been vacant all night.

He had spent almost the entire night waiting up for her, desperately hoping that she would come to him, seeking his solace and comfort, but she never came. Instead, she chose to sleep in her own room…by herself.

Jack sat up in the bed and ran his fingers through his hair.

What the fucking hell could be wrong with her? He thought to himself.

It was as if she were resorting back to her old ways. She was being so distant, cold and indifferent towards him. She acted as if she did not even care for him at all. If she loved him as much as she says she does; then how can she be so cruel to him? Does she not care for him at all? Does she not know him well enough to know what this is doing to him?

It is tearing him up inside knowing that she is going through all this strife and turmoil alone. He wishes that he could take some of her burdening pain so that she may not carry the weight of it all on her own. Is that not what being in a relationship is all about? To be there for one another…for better or worse?

The entire sum of existence is the magic of being needed by just one other person.

The purpose of a relationship is not to have another who might complete you, but to have another with whom you might share your completeness.

He cannot stand having another night like this. It has been absolute torture for him lying in wait almost like a wayward dog until she finally decided she wanted to open up to him. He had respected her wishes and had given her space and time to herself, but he would be damned if he stood in the shadows any longer.

How many times had he tried to push her away in the same manner only for her to incessantly reach out to him, regardless if he wanted her help or not?

It happened far too many times he had lost count. For so long, she had been the person that he always sought out for guidance and comfort, but it seemed as if the tables had turned and the roles were reversed.

It was made plainly elucidated to him that Hannah needed his help. He would make sure he did everything in his power to be there for her. To be that strong and domineering man she needed him to be at this moment. It was times such as these which would test their loyalties and commitment to one another.

What angers us in another person is more often than not an unhealed aspect of ourselves. If we had already resolved that particular issue, we would not be irritated by its reflection back to us.

You must speak to be heard, but sometimes. You have to be silent to be appreciated.

To be in a relationship with someone, you just do not have to listen to the words that they speak. For sometimes it is what they’re not saying which is important. You have to read between the lines and be attuned to their feelings. You have to read the subtle signals they are hoping to God that you can sufficiently read.

If the lines of communication in a relationship are not opened. It can be your ultimate downfall.

Communication. It's the first thing we really learn in life. Funny thing is, once we grow up, learn our words and really start talking the harder it becomes to know what to say. Or how to ask for what we really need.

If then the power of speech is as great as any that can be named. If the origin of language is by many philosophers considered nothing short of divine. If by means of words the secrets of the heart are brought to light, pain of soul is relieved, hidden grief is carried off, sympathy conveyed, experience recorded, and wisdom perpetuated. If by great authors the many are drawn up into unity, national character is fixed, a people speaks, the past and the future, the East and the West are brought into communication with each other. If such men are, in a word, the spokesmen and the prophets of the human family. It will not answer to make light of Literature or to neglect its study: rather we may be sure that, in proportion as we master it in whatever language, and imbibe its spirit, we shall ourselves become in our own measure the ministers of like benefits to others. Be they many or few, be they in the obscurer or the more distinguished walks of life—who are united to us by social ties, and are within the sphere of our personal influence

They may forget what you said, but they will never forget how you made them feel.

The people we are in relationship with are always a mirror, reflecting our own beliefs,
and simultaneously we are mirrors, reflecting their beliefs. So... relationships is one of the most powerful tools for growth...If we look honestly at our relationships, we can see so much about how we have created them.

Jack must begin to trust himself. If he does not, then he will forever be looking to others
to prove his own merit to himself. He will never be satisfied. He will always be asking others what to do and at the same time resenting those from whom he sought out such aid.

He shook his head and berated himself for his thoughts.

How the fuck could he be mad at Hannah for keeping something from him? It was not as if he were being entirely honest with her himself.

It would be like the pot calling the kettle black.

So this is when it starts to get real?

Jack sighed and rolled his eyes, As if it weren’t all ready fucking real enough. He thought to himself bitterly.

Ever since they got back from Glen Arbor everything was amazing between them. Their relationship could not be any better. They were having less fights. Well, lesser than what they had before. The fights they had were usually over something petty and trite. They could never seemed to be mad at one another for no more than a half-hour, an hour tops.

Jack had a broad grin upon his face as he thought about how fun it was to make up afterwards.

He had concluded there was nothing else better on this Earth than makeup sex. There was so much pent up tension fueled by anger and rage. It was all heat and fire. The sheer carnality of it was so raw and animalistic. It was everything he had dreamed about and more.

Maybe that was his problem. He had spent so much time trying to mold her into what he fantasized her to be that he had this distorted and twisted perception of her. It was difficult for him to discern whom she really was and what his mind’s eyes only wanted to see.

The fantasy is simple. Pleasure is good, and twice as much pleasure is better. That pain is bad, and no pain is better. But the reality is different. The reality is that pain is there to tell us something, and there's only so much pleasure we can take without getting a stomach ache. And maybe that's okay. Maybe some fantasies are only supposed to live in our dreams.

Jack glanced momentarily at his clock on his bedside table and heaved a laborious sigh.

It looked as if it were time for yet another fun filled day of school. Strangely, this was one school day he actually looked forward to.

It was time that he tended to some unfinished business. He was going to fess up to everything.

Jack just hoped and prayed with the last shred of faith in him that she did not kick him to curb.

The most common lie is that which one lies to himself; lying to others is relatively an exception.

All men are frauds. The only difference between them is that some admit it. He himself denies it.

He walked out of his bedroom and proceeded over to Hannah’s. Her bedroom door was slightly ajar.

Jack knocked on her door and called her name softly, but all he got in response was dead silence.

He took a few deep steadying breaths and entered her room with caution. He sighed in relief when he saw that she was not in her bedroom. He carefully and intently scanned the room in observance trying to see if he could make out anything amiss, such as emptied out bureau drawers, a note or something along those lines that would indicate she had decided to fly the coup. But so far he could make out nothing.

Still, that did not indicate anything. She still could have left. Her bed was neatly made and looked as if she had not even slept in it. Then again, Evelyn always made their beds every morning . It was one of her various daily morning rituals.

Jack put his hands upon his hips and sighed deeply. He slowly walked over to her bed and sat down upon it.

Why was he putting himself through this misery? Better yet, why the hell was he even doubting Hannah in the first place? She loved him. She would never leave him…not willingly. He believed that right down to the very depths of his soul.

If that was so, then why was he having such a hard time convincing himself of that fact?

Maybe it’s cause ya have a fuckin guilty conscience, that’s why. Jack thought sadly to himself.

For almost his entire seventeen years upon this Earth, he had never really felt as if he had an existence. It was almost as if he felt like he did not belong upon this Earth. He was one of God’s unwanted children. He had thought he was so bad, not even his own flesh and blood wanted anything to do with him. There was no connection he had to the world. He was almost like a ghost in a way, invisible and deadened to everyone and everything.

That was until he had met Hannah. She made him feel so alive for the very first time. No matter how much he tried to deny himself of her, he couldn’t. She was this incurable disease, poisoning his mind and heart.

In love you find the oddest combinations: Materialistic people who find themselves in love with idealists. Clingers fall in love with players... homebodies capture and try to smother butterflies. If it weren't so serious we could laugh at it.

You can feel when someone you hold close to your heart is slipping away, little by little. It's when the mere thought of losing a friend can bring you to tears almost instantly. The pain you are beginning to feel can crush your entire heart. Yet everything that you try to do to solve the problems only push them further and further away from you, when the only chance of getting back to the way things were in the beginning is to hope this person realizes what they may be losing.

Follow your heart, because if you always trust your mind, you'll always act on logic, and logic doesn't always lead to happiness.

Jack just wished that she would talk to him. He does not understand why she is cutting him off this way. Is she deliberately trying to sabotage what they had spent so much time building and growing upon? Was their love worth anything at all to her?

Maybe he should be asking these same questions to her rather than to himself.

That was if she is still here and did not run away.

His heart began palpitating at a lightening speed. Trembles began to rack throughout his body as an overwhelming sense of apprehension washed over him with a force of a tidal wave at the mere thought of her leaving him.

If Hannah had left, he honestly does not know what he would do. He is afraid to even think about his reaction if that was to happen.

Jack shook his head adamantly, thinking to himself, No, Hannah would never leave me. She loves me. She told me that. She would never lie to me, not ever.

Or would she? Maybe he did not know her as well as he thought he had.

The last year of his life has been like this wide-awake nightmare of conflicting emotions. But no matter how bad it got, one thing kept him going. Them. Their bond, their connection, whatever you want to call it. It made him feel like he wasn't alone, like he was part of something special. So, he’s not whining about what they are and what they aren’t. It's just that...for the first time since he met her... He’s not feeling that connection anymore and it scares him unlike anything he has been through before.

Jack was savagely ripped out of his reverie by someone saying, “She’s not here, Jack. Evelyn had to go into work early so she gave Hannah a ride to school.”

He lifted his head up and saw Lynn standing there, leaning casually against the door frame.

Lynn’s eyes widened when she noticed the pained look in Jack’s eyes. He was absolutely pale as a ghost. He looked as if someone had literally taken the life right out of him. It was a look she had seen upon her face every single time she looked into the mirror. Well, before her son came along anyway. Ever since he was born it was as if she were given a whole new lease on life, a second chance to start anew with a clean slate. To rectify the wrongs of her old life and actually do something good for a change. She was an entirely different person. A person whom was not ashamed nor afraid. She liked the person she was now.

It was not only Wade whom had shaped this new and improved version of herself, it was Bobby as well. Her relationship with Bobby, or should she say lack thereof, forced her to grow up quickly.

Lynn no longer feels any hatred nor bitterness toward Bobby for leaving her the way he had. In fact, she is thankful for it taught her how to be more resilient and to be a fighter. She is a better person because of it.

“What’s the matter with you?” She asked him curiously.

Jack sighed and shook his head, “It’s nothing.”

Lynn smiled and nodded her head knowingly, saying in a sardonic tone, “Yeah, of course everything’s all right. That’s why you’re sitting on Hannah’s bed looking like some lovelorn sick little puppy.”

He scoffed and rolled his eyes, “I am not sitting on her goddamned bed like a lovelorn little puppy. Would ya just lay off it, huh? Don’t ya have a son to take care of?”

She walked farther into the room and pointed her index finger at him, “I take very good care of my child. I just fed him and put him down for a nap if ya must know. Don’t get all pissy with me just cause ya can’t handle being in a relationship.”

Jack stared at her incredulously and pointed his index finger toward himself, “ME? I’m the one who can’t handle being in a relationship?” He shook his head and sighed, “As much as this may come as a shock to ya, this isn’t actually my fault. “ He shrugged sheepishly, “Well, not this time anyway.”

Lynn nodded her head and walked over to sit down on the bed beside him, “I figured there was something wrong between ya two.”

“Yeah? How’d ya figure that?” Jack beseeched of her.

She shrugged, not giving a second to think about his question for there was no need to, “Cause I just so happened to be in the bathroom when you were standing outside of Hannah’s door last night. Not to mention Hannah barely said a word to you or anyone else at dinner last night. And I also happen to know that you did not sleep in the same room last night, which really tipped me off cause ya both have been sleeping in the same bed with each other since I‘ve been here.” She winked, “Figuratively speaking of course.”

Jack bowed his head bashfully and stared intently down at his feet.

He began thinking of the many memorable nights they had spent in the bed they were sitting on. If Lynn knew of all the things they had done upon this bed, she would have been very hesitant to sit on it. It made him blush furiously just thinking about it. Shit, he was even becoming slightly aroused, which could be somewhat of an awkward situation considering that Lynn, the mother of his brother’s child was sitting not even two feet away from him.

Why is it that he always puts himself in these kind of surrealistic situations?

Lynn chuckled softly, “Okay, I didn’t come in here to speak about you and Hannah’s sex life cause in all truthfulness, I would rather not know.” She sighed deeply, “Ya have been lying to her about your band, haven’t ya, Jack?”

Jack’s head snapped up and he stared at her in wide-eyed shock, “How did you know I was-”

Lynn cut him off mid sentence and smiled, “Lying?”

He nodded his head.

She shrugged her shoulders, “It wasn’t that hard for me to figure out really. I just remembered the call from your bandmate and noticed how weird you were acting. It did not take me much to connect the dots. Does she know it yet?”

Jack shook his head, “Not that I know of.” He ran a shaky hand through his hair and scrubbed his hand tiredly over his face, “Do ya think that’s why she’s mad at me?”

Lynn shook her head in bafflement, “I can’t answer that question. The person to ask that question to would be Hannah.”

He nodded his head, all the while thinking to himself, Right, easier said than done.

Just then, Lynn heard the unmistakable sounds of Wade’s shrill cries coming from her room.

She sighed and got up from the bed, “Well, duty calls.”

Lynn looked down at Jack and smiled softly. She would never admit it aloud, but she really liked Jack. He was not only incredibly sweet, but a very extraordinary person.

Bobby thought so too. She thought sadly.

Bobby would incessantly talk about his little brother. He talked about him in the way a loving, doting and proud father would talk about their son to anyone whom would take the time to listen, which she did.

Every single time.

She could really see why Bobby loved him so much. There was just so many endearing qualities that which drew you to him. Even though he had endured so many horrific things in his past, he was so naïve and managed to keep some of his little boy innocence. She felt sorry for him in way. She would not exactly call it pity because she thought too highly of him for such a harsh term. It was more like…respect for the obstacles and adversity he had achieved to where he is as of now.

It was the sole reason why she fell in love with Bobby in the first place. It was not because he was gorgeous and built. It was his overall strength, willpower and most importantly… his loyalty towards his family.

Jack encompasses every single of those aspects, which were undoubtedly taught to him by Bobby.

Lynn only wishes he could be here to do the same for their child.

Now, do not think for one single second that she thinks of Jack in a romantic way. That could be so far from the truth. She would never disrespect Hannah like that. Anyway, even if she did, she would never have a chance in the first place. Jack was so ass backwards in love with Hannah he could barely see straight. She thinks of him more like a little brother.

Besides, she all ready fell for one Mercer boy and look what good that brought her, nothing but pain and misery. The only thing she is thankful to Bobby for is giving her Wade. That is the only thing about their relationship she does not regret. The only man she needs and wants is her baby.

Lynn patted him on the back, “Well, good luck, Jackie.”

Jack nodded and let out a dry laugh, “Thanks, I’m gonna need it.”

As Lynn was walking out the door, she abruptly stopped in the doorway to face him. She stared intently at him and said a quick prayer, hoping that Hannah and Jack did not end up like she and Bobby.

She smile sadly and said softy, “When you find someone you really love. Never let them go, not for anything. Even if you feel them pushing themselves away from you. Because when they are gone, you realize how much they REALLY meant to you. And by then, it just might be too late to get them back.”

Jack slowly lifted his head to say something, but he was surprised to see that Lynn was no longer standing in the doorway.

He sighed deeply as he carefully mulled over Lynn’s words.

How was it that you could lose someone whom was never really yours to begin with?

Jack stood in the deserted hallway of their school and glanced down at his watch, which read twelve in the afternoon. He should have been in his Math class right now, but how the hell could he sit in his classroom and concentrate when he felt so lousy?

As soon as he arrived at school, he immediately went in search for Hannah. He must have waited at her locker for over an hour hoping that she would be there, but she had never showed up. His girl was a clever one that was for damn sure. She was not stupid. She knew exactly what she was doing. She most likely carefully thought out every possible angle on how to successfully avoid him. So far she was doing an amazing job of it, but she could not hide from him forever. Sooner or later she was going to have to come out and face whatever problem they may have been having this week.

No matter how much he dwelled upon it, for the life of him he could not seem to figure out what she was angry at him for. He truly did not think he had done anything wrong.

Maybe it’s nothing at all. Maybe it’s just PMS. He chided to himself.

But for some reason, he knew that it was much more than that. There was something definitely the matter with her. He knew Hannah and she would not just ignore him altogether without good reason. She was the more confrontational and standoffish one in the relationship. It was he whom was always afraid all of time to speak his mind. That was why they worked so well together. It was almost like opposites attract in a way. They balanced one another out. They gained strength through their weaknesses and facilitated each other, giving one another things that were not there before. That was what being in a relationship is all about, compromise. It was fifty-fifty. Give and take.

If that is so, then why does he feel like he’s the only one giving this relationship his all?

Jack looked at his watch and sighed impatiently when he noticed that only ten minutes had passed. He still yet had five minutes to go before Hannah’s class was over.

He inconspicuously hid his entire body behind the wall and peeked his head out, looking coyly through the window into the classroom.

From his view of espy, he could clearly see Hannah sitting in the third seat in the last row.

She was hunched over in the seat. Her head was bowed and she was writing something down into her notebook. He wished that he could see her face, but her hair was shielding her face making it damn near impossible to see a thing.

Jack intently kept his gaze upon her, never once straying his eyes from her form.

He heaved an anguished sigh and shook his head.

He wanted nothing more than to barge right through that door, scoop her up out of her seat and throw her over his back, demanding her to tell him what the hell has been the matter with her these past couple days.

Jack scoffed and let out a dry laugh.

Like that would ever happen. He thought to himself.

Every second he stood watching her was like pure torture for him. This had to be the most grueling and longest five minutes of his entire life.

As Jack stared at her, he wondered what was going through her mind at the moment and if she was thinking of him just as much as he was of her.

Hannah looked up at the clock and let out a huge sigh of relief.

There was only five more minutes left before lunch started, which was a very good thing for she could not be in this room any longer. The walls felt as if they were closing in upon her and it felt like a boiler room. She felt as if she were being helped captive in some tiny enclosed space. Her chest felt so constricted, almost like she were internally suffocating. Her nerves were so frazzled she could barely concentrate on the teacher’s lesson.

Everything he said seemed to be nothing more than white noise, which was really surprising to her for this was one of her favorite classes. She was so exhausted she could barely concentrate. She must have had an hour of sleep last night, maybe less than that. She had spent almost the entire night crying until she eventually worn herself out, crying herself to sleep. She felt so drained…physically and emotionally.

So this is what having a broken heart feels like? Hannah thought sadly to herself.

She now fully realized why so many people could relate to William Shakespeare. Her life surely felt like some play or Greek Tragedy at times. Unfortunately, this was no show performance, this was real and raw…every single bit of it.

Let's face it -- who ever is adequate? We all create situations each other can't live up to, then break our hearts at them because they don't.

If she really was in love with him, she wouldn't let anything get in her way of getting him back. Maybe he's not the one, but he's worth another try. Maybe she just has to let go for a while and expand her horizons. You never know, it just might work. Or maybe when he leaves, she'll realize what she lost and want him back. You never know. Fate is a tricky thing.

Hannah hates being put in this position. She’s forcing herself to let go of the one person that she needs in her life. He's the only thing that makes sense, but at the same time, the one thing that complicates her. She knows that she’s better off without him. Or at least that is what she tells herself.

Ignorance is bliss, is it not?

Yet she feels empty whenever she tries to let go...but she guesses that emptiness is better than constant hurt.

Some people are just not meant to fit into our lives, no matter how much they want them to. As right as they are for one another, maybe it is not the right time as of now.

To experience the ecstasy of something this incredible and then have to willingly give it all up was the most sudden inexplicable loss she has ever had to handle. See, the thing is, when her parents died, she did not ask for that, it was fate, something that was out of her hands. But this, what she had with Jack was in her control and in her favor and just like anything good that has ever come into her life, it too was being taken away from her. No matter what way you look at it, it’s the same.

Hannah hated to even think this, but she cursed the day she had met Jack. For if she never met him, she would not be going through the unbearable pain she is in now. She would much rather live a life of solitude and degradation than to feel. If there is anything she has ever learned in this life is that feelings and emotions only end up hurting you in the long run. It’s much easier than to benumb yourself to the world rather than having to deal with the same heartache over and over again.

She knew better, but her crazy heart didn’t. It broke, no matter how hard she tried to protect it.

He’s one of those guys that you think you have a chance with ... the way he looks at her,
that smile he gives her ... that laugh he only laughs when she’s around. He's one of those guys that you finally realize you don't have a chance with until it's too late. When all the damage is already done. He's the kind of guy that you realize you have absolutely no chance with after he breaks your heart.

That is why it’s much better to end it now. Break his heart, before he breaks hers, but is that saying really of truth? Doesn’t really empower us as women? Do we not end up hurting either way? Love is a strange and odd notion.

It’s a war zone out there for single people, is it not?

She's not like most girls her age. She's been hurt many times before this. You'd think it would be a routine by now. You'd think she wouldn't let it get to her, but the truth is: he was only one who can break her now…and did.

Hannah knows that avoiding him is not going to solve anything. She is going to have to face him sooner or later. They live under the same roof and their rooms are right next door to one another. It is going to be kind of hard to keep dodging him like this, but can you blame her for trying to prolong the inevitable? Letting him go is going to be the hardest thing she will ever have to do. She cannot bear to look at his face when she tells him. Just the thought of hurting him sickens her to death. It is the sole reason why she has been crying nonstop for the last forty eight hours. It is not tears of sorrow she sheds for her own heart.

It is he whom she cries for.

Hannah thinks that sometimes things happen between people that you don't really expect. And sometimes the things that are important are the ones that seem the weirdest or the most wrong. And those are the ones that change your life.

Their bond is so strong she has to pull herself away that much harder to prove to herself she can do it without him.

Letting go isn't about giving up. It's about accepting that there are things that cannot be.

Letting go is when love hurts the most.

You don't know. You don't know what he can do to her. Against any resolution she had not to fall in love with him, he always somehow gets past her guard and makes her do it. And it always ends up breaking her, and driving them further apart. Her mind is constantly screaming, 'DON'T FALL FOR HIM!'...but her heart always whispers, 'maybe this time it'll work out'.. She can't help it. She hates him so much for making her feel this way, but she knows she would die if he didn't.

When the bell rang signaling the end of the period, Jack hid behind the wall and waited for Hannah to walk out of the classroom. He knew that she was always the last to walk out. She liked to sit at her desk and wait until everyone else vacated from the premises.

His heart leaped in his chest as soon as he saw her.

Jack reached out and gently grasped her wrist and pulled her to him, saying her name softly.

Hannah became alarmed when she felt someone grabbing her wrist. She turned around and her eyes widened when she saw Jack standing before her.

This was the last person she wanted to see at this moment. Just seeing his face made her want to wrap her arms around him and never let go. She kept her head slightly bowed for she could not bear to look into those piercing green eyes of his. They would be her undoing. It was those eyes that stole her freedom in the first place. With just one look into his eyes, she would forget why she was even doing this in the first place.

She looked downward and noticed that Jack still held a firm grip upon her dainty wrist. His palm singed and branded her skin like a hot iron. She could not control the way her body reacted to his touch. It had been merely forty eight hours since she had been in his presence, but it felt like eternity when she was so used to having his touch. She did not feel complete when he was not around. It was almost as if she were missing apart of herself. She shuddered to even think how she was going to feel not having him around…ever.

It was different when he was right next door to her. At least she knew he was there whenever she needed him, but what was going to happen when he’s not there?

She shook her head, berating herself for thinking such thoughts

He’s not gone yet. Ya haven’t even confronted him yet. Ya don’t know for sure if he’s even gonna go. Hannah reminded herself.

If there was one thing she has learned since knowing Jack it is this; he does not do anything he does not want to, but he had to. She could not let him pass up a once in the lifetime opportunity like this, not for her. It would take some heavy persuasion and convincing on her part, but she would make sure he did not miss that meeting.

Under any circumstances.

Jack looked down at Hannah and sighed.

She looked so tiny and fragile standing there and so delicate. Like a china doll, but there was also this fierceness and strength lying within her. It was hidden under all the layers within the complexities of her soul. He could see it shining brightly within her eyes whenever he looked into them. That was why it pained him so much to see her in such an emasculated state and not being able to do anything about it.

What made it all the more worse was that she was keeping him at arm’s length.

How the hell was he going to help her if she did not want anything to do with him?

They both stood there in awkward silence, both not wanting to speak and shatter this fragileness that existed between them.

Jack shook his head.

He had enough of all this beating around the bush. It was time they settled whatever the hell was going on between them once and for all, but he was scared to death to face the situation. He was always frightened of the truth.

Sometimes there's no point in the truth if the only thing it will do is cause pain.

Jack sighed deeply and said in a gruff whisper, “We need to talk, Hannah.”

Hannah nodded her head, but still she did not lift up her head to look at him. She stared intently down at the floor as if it were the most interesting thing in the world, “I know.”

He gently took a hold of her hand and led her down the hall, “Come with me.”

Hannah had no choice but to follow him for he kept an iron hold grip upon her hand, but he was not hurting her at all. He was keeping a gentle yet firm grip upon her.

She shook her head in bafflement, “Where are we going, Jack?”

Jack did not make any attempts to stop and turn around to face her. He continued walking down the hallway in a steadfast pace, “To talk…right now.”

Hannah nodded her head, “Okay, but can ya at least try walking a little slower? I have shorter legs than ya do.”

He smiled and began walking in a slower pace that she could keep up with.

She smiled softly, “Thank ya, Jackie.”

Jack nodded and quickly squeezed her hand, “Don’t mention it.”

Anything for you. He added to himself.

He smiled when his finger traced the ring he had given her. At least she was still wearing it. That had to be a good sign…right?

Hannah’s eyes squinted in confusion when Jack led her out onto the football field. This was not the kind of place she would expect a guy like Jack to take her to. She was fully expecting him to bring her someplace more quieter such as the park. Then again, he has been doing a lot of things that have been surprising her as of late.

She started to become increasingly anxious when he led her under the bleachers.

Hannah eased herself out of his grasp and crossed her arms over his chest, “Why did ya take me here, Jack?” She asked him accusingly.

Jack stuffed his hands deeply into his jeans and bowed his head looking down at his boots. He shrugged his shoulders, “It’s quieter here. I thought we could have privacy to talk. I come here a lot when I wanna be left alone.”

She nodded her head, “Oh…okay.”

He immediately noticed the dissapointment in her tone, “What’s the matter?”

Hannah shrugged and smirked, “I don’t know. I was kinda hoping ya brought me under here to make out. Isn’t that what teenagers come under the bleachers to do?”

Jack lifted his head up and she was rewarded with that stunning smile she loved so much. She loved the way the creases of his mouth crinkled and how the brightness of his smile seemed to reach all the way up to his eyes. When he smiled at her, she felt so goddamned special. She hated to think that she would never get to feel that way again.

Around everyone else he hardly smiled, but with her it seemed that was if all he did. He always seemed to have this permanent grin upon his face whenever he was in her presence. She made him more happier than he ever realized he could be. Even now he was happy just being around her.

He walked up to her and rested his hands upon her shoulders. He slowly skimmed his hands down the length of her arms and never once did he break eye contact with her. It was nothing more than a feather light touch, but it was enough to cause her to tremble and flesh Goosebumps upon her skin.

Jack grinned and leaned down to whisper in her ear, “That could be arranged.”

Hannah closed her eyes and sighed wistfully when she felt his lips lightly grazing the outershell of her ear.

She shook her head, clearing it out of it’s lust filled haze, “I was only joking, Jack. We really need to talk. Having sex isn’t gonna solve our problems.”

He stepped back away from her and heaved an excerbated sigh, “What problems, Hannah? Cause I have to be honest with ya, sweetheart, I’m kinda at a loss here. I thought that we were going good. I thought that everything was all right between us, ya know? Then all of the sudden outta the fuckin blue ya start avoiding me like I got the plague or something.” He looked pleadingly into her eyes and asked her, “What the hell is going on? I feel like you've been pulling away from me. I thought this is what you wanted, ya know? I thought I was what you wanted.”

Hannah nodded her head, “You are what I want.”

That’s the problem, She added within herself.

All along there was this voice inside of her head telling her to give up. Telling her it's not going to happen but she listened to her heart instead. Believing one day, he'd make all her dreams come true. She guessed that was all just wishful thinking. But now it's too late to take the good advice the voice inside her head gave her, and for some strange reason, she doesn't regret it... Maybe it's because she’s afraid to give up hope. She’s scared that if she gave up on him, she would have given up on everything.

Jack shook his head in bafflement and shrugged his shoulders, “Then what’s the matter? Why are ya distancing yourself from me all of the sudden?”

Hannah bowed her head and whispered, “I know, Jack…about everything.”

“What? What do ya know?” He asked her confusingly.

She lifted her head up to face him. As much as she wanted to cry right now, she would not. She could not. She had to be strong. Not only for herself, but for him as well. She could not make him feel more sorry than he all ready was. She was not going to make him feel guilty about wanting to live out his dreams.

Even though she only knew him for a short time, they had this special bond. And no matter what, he's got a permanent place in her heart.

You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back.

Hannah sighed and took a few deep steadying breaths to calm her frayed nerves, “About ya quitting the band.”

Jack’s eyes widened in surprise, “How did ya find out about that?”

“Will came over about a month ago looking for you. He told me everything.”

He nodded, “Why didn’t ya tell me?”

She shrugged, “Same reason you didn’t. I wanted to hear it from you myself, but ya never told me. Why did ya feel the need to lie to me, Jackie?”

Jack turned around with his back facing her and tightly closed his eyes. This was it. The moment of truth. It was something he has been dreading for over a month and a half now.

“I wouldn’t lie to ya unless I had to.” He confessed to her.

Hannah walked over to him and rested her hands upon his back, “Why would ya lie to me at all, baby? Ya know there’s no reason to. I have been nothing but honest to ya and I expect for ya to do the same.”

Jack turned around and cupped her face. She let him give her a chaste kiss on the lips and he rested his forehead upon hers.

He lightly kissed her nose and whispered, “I’m sorry.”

She shook her head, “There’s no reason to be. None at all.”

“What can I do to make it up to ya?” Jack asked her. He felt so guilty about lying to her, but on the other hand he felt relieved that his secret was finally out in the open.

Forgiveness is the choice to see people as they are now. When we are angry at people, we are angry because of something they said or did before this moment. But what people said or did is not who they are.

Hannah nodded and smiled sadly, “There’s only one thing ya can do for me, Jackie.”

Jack nodded his head, “I’ll do anything, ya just name it and I’ll do it.”

She bowed her head and let out a shaky sigh. She drudged up all the courage she could muster for what she was about to say. No matter how much she tried to prepare herself for this moment, everything she wanted to say seemed so trivial and illogical. For how could one prepare themselves for heartbreak?

No one should demand that love be forever. Perhaps it is better that it not be forever. How can one answer for more than the moment? Who knows what strange tides may sweep us away? What depths there may be? Or twists and turns and swallows? Each life sails a separate course, although sometimes, and this is the best of times, two lives move along together until the end of time.

Everything happens for a reason. Nothing happens by chance or by means of good luck. Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of your soul. Without these small tests...whatever they may be...life would be like a smoothly paved, straight, flat road to nowhere. It would be safe and comfortable but dull and pointless.

It's like you get this picture in your head of the way things should be, and you end up closing yourself off to some of the wonder and serendipity of the actual experience.

She sighed and whispered, “I want ya to go to California, Jack.”

Jack’s eyes widened and he gasped aloud in shock. He dropped his hands from her face and stumbled back away from her.

“Are ya fucking serious?” He asked her incredulously.

Hannah sighed and nodded her head, “Yes…I am. I think if ya don’t go, you’ll be missing out on a great opportunity. I feel like I am holding you back. Like you're missing out on something else by hanging on with me. And I don't want you to miss anything.”

Jack shook his head and snorted, “The only thing I don't wanna miss is being with you. How could you not know that by now?”

She smiled softly, “I know that, I do, but I think that ya would be wasting your time here.”

He nodded, “Oh, so that’s how highly ya think of our relationship, huh? Wasting time?” He let out a dry laugh and spat out, “Geez, baby ya really know how to make a man feel good bout himself.”

Hannah tightly closed her eyes and sighed deeply when she heard the bitterness in his tone. She had never heard him speak so vehemently to her before. This was not how she wanted this to go at all. She did not want them parting on bad terms.

They spend so much time expecting the worst that they don't even notice the moments when people are loving them.

Jack had never felt pain such as this before. It felt as if someone was ripping his heart right out of his chest and stomping upon it.

She can be so nice, then so mean... She can care and protect, make you laugh, and at the same time play games with your head… And after she's done with that, she'll tear your heart out, rip it in to the smallest fragments known to man and leave it on the floor, while all you can do is stand there. Not being able to cry because you're so numb, because you thought that there was something there. When really there was nothing but a wayward girl out to break a poor boy's fragile heart, because she didn't know what she wanted.

Hannah’s taught him that love can suck. That feelings can change, passion will fade, partners will come and go, but through it all … one thing remains sacred: friendship. And it's true. Without her, this summer would've been a big, black hole of depression for him.

It looked as if he was falling back into that familiar deep dark abyss once again. It was ironic how a girl can cause you to gain your heart only to be the one who breaks it.

She breathed deeply and willed herself to look at him. The way he was staring at her seemed to break her heart even more. He looked so dejected and heartbroken. His eyes were brimming with unshed tears and filled with so much sadness. Never did she want to see that look in his eyes ever again. She hated herself for she was the one whom put it there.

Hannah walked over to him and cupped his cheek. She met his gaze directly and whispered, “Don’t ya get why I’m doing this? It’s because I love you and I want to see ya happy. If ya don‘t do this, it will be something you’ll regret for the rest of your life. Don’t ya see, Jack? This is the only thing I have left to give you.”

Jack shook his head and sighed, “For once in my life, I'm at a loss of words. The truth of the matter is … being with you was the only time I have ever been happy. I don't get how you can just walk away from this. We've worked so hard to be together, we've broken every rule they could have given us, and now you're just giving up... I thought I meant more to you than that.”

She nodded without any hint of hesitance whatsoever, “Ya do, but I don’t want to be the reason why you’re giving up your dreams. “

“But my dreams mean nothing unless they don’t involve ya. Come with me, Hannah.” He said in a pleading tone.

He was trying desperately to hold on. He did not want to lose her. Not like this. It looked as if his most frightening nightmare was becoming an actual reality.

In every man's life, he will meet a woman who will blow his mind in more ways than one. Someone who is everything he's ever wanted; someone who is unlike any other he has ever met; someone who will love him like he never thought anyone could be loved; someone who is not only his lover, but his best friend as well. Too bad she wasn't that woman nor ever will be.

No matter how much he wanted it to be so.

Hannah swallowed down the large lump that was forming within her throat. She could feel the stinging sensation of tears beginning to form within her eyes, but she was trying her damnedst to keep them at bay. She did not want to pity him into staying. She needed to show him that she could be strong and stand upon her own two feet.

Maybe it was what they both needed.

She shook her head and sighed, “Ya know I can’t do that, Jack. I can’t run away…I’m through with running. I like my life here, but I can see that you don’t. Regardless of how much you try to hide it. I can see it in your eyes the need to escape. You need to go out and share your music with the world. I want you to have success and all the things that go along with it. The Spares mean so much to you and I’ll be damned if I let ya give them up for me. Creating music makes ya happy, Jack. “ She let out a shaky sigh, “And if by me letting ya go is the only way ya can do that. Well…that’s what I’ll do. And you need to go this time. You need to see for yourself. I can stand here and tell you that it's a colossal mistake, that all roads lead back to me, but it doesn't matter. Words, speeches... they sound great, but they don't add up to anything. All that matters right now is what you want and that is to get the hell outta this place, Jackie.”

Jack looked into her eyes and it was like falling all over again, but he wasn't afraid to fall. He fell but didn't worry about the ground he might land on. He didn't worry about the fact he couldn't control it. He didn't worry about if it would end or not. Because in that moment, in her eyes, he knew he'd fall forever, and that she was right there holding him, falling with him, and most of all…loving him.

People change, even the person you thought you knew the most, changes. And even though it hurts to see them go; you have to move on, for the memories are all you have, and things might never be the same.

Hannah sighed, “There are other things we have to find before we find each other. We need to see if we can be whole people without one another.”

Sometimes a person has to let go because their fingers are too tired of holding on. They'll always love you though. No matter what.

Sometimes you meet certain people, that can touch your soul in certain ways most people can't. But you have to let them go because you realize that it just isn't the best time in your life for them to come. It seems like you meet the perfect people just when you can't handle them.

Jack bowed his head and ran his fingers through his hair, “I can’t believe you’re fucking saying this shit to me, Hannah. At this point in time, I'm just about the only friend you've got. Are you sure you want to do this? Alienate and push me away like you've done to everyone else? “

Hannah bowed her head and sighed deeply as the tears began falling from her eyes. She knew that he did not mean the venomous words he was saying. He was merely masking his sadness with anger, but regardless of that fact, it did not hurt any less.

She's only sixteen. A young woman to the world but still a little girl at heart. She's stuck in the middle, trying to act her age and have fun at the same time. She's trying to achieve her goals but not get too stressed. She's tried to fall in love while trying to be independent at the same time. Learning to fly out into the world on her own while deep down inside she just wants her daddy's arms wrapped around her. She's trying to smile through it all, even through the pain. She's seen her friends and family get hurt and she's even seen some of them die but she keeps her faith in God. She can't wait to grow up but, in a way, she's already there. She's only sixteen; so young, but not.

Same old story that everybody knows, it's one heart holding on, one heart letting go.

Giving up does not mean you are weak it only means that you are strong enough to let go!

The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past, you can't go on well in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches. To truly love is to have the courage to walk away and let the one who wishes to be free go. No matter how much it hurts. It's funny how you still love the person but you just stop needing them like you used to.

Later, when they all ask her what happened, she'll lie. She'll say she never loved him, that it was all a ruse, a two-week crush that never got past scribbling his name on the back of her physics book. But she always mixes a little truth into it. She exists outside of love, in all of the space that those four tiny letters can't fill. Where the people you can't live without are the ones who'll save you or kill you or both.

The only thing that is helping her get through this is knowing that maybe she is just not the girl for him. The girl that believed the scraps of him she was given were worth it because something was better than nothing. That girl who wanted nothing more than to be there for him and love him the way she knows she only could. The girl who saw his flaws but values them as much as his strengths. That girl who still can't bring herself to hate him, even though sometimes he probably deserves it.

That girl who saw past his pretty face and treasured parts of him that no one else had ever appreciated. The girl who realizes she may never have his heart but will carry the image of him in hers forever. The girl that sees this and still loves him. The girl that should have him, but doesn't.

Even though she deserves it.

It's like she wants to just give up on him, but then she thinks about that time she looked deeply into his eyes, and just knew that he was the guy she is supposed to be with forever.

The magic of first love is our ignorance that it can never end.

Jack cupped her cheeks and forced her took look at him as he whispered fiercely, “Do you know what I see when I look at you now? I don’t see an amazing woman that used to take my breath away with a single glance, I see a scared insecure little girl who's fear of being alone is even greater than mine. Do you remember when you first told me you loved me? I stood there and stared at you. I just couldn't understand how such an amazing person could be in my life. And then all of a sudden I got extremely scared.” He smiled despite his anger as he recalled one of the best moments of his life, “ You kissed me, and told me not to worry, there was no way you'd ever leave me. I felt a sense of comfort. I believed you. That is, until you showed me that you’re just like every fuckin body else that ever came into my life. “

Jack saw the heartache coming. At least this time he wasn't oblivious to everything. He must be getting better at this, which is really sad.

He stepped back from her and let out an embittered laugh. He smiled sadly through his tears, “It wouldn't have been so bad if my expectations hadn't been so high...I just expected us to be together for so much longer...and for you to never hurt me…“ He shook his head, “I'll never expect anything from you again because all it gets me is a broken heart.”

Hannah walked over to him and tried to reach out for him as she whispered his name.

Once you love someone you always will, that love never truly diminishes. So if he says he doesn't love her now, he didn't love her then, but she knows without a doubt he did. And he does and he always will. But he's pushed his feelings so far down deep and he is afraid to let them come back up. But they will. When he begins to miss her because she isn’t there unless. But right now he feels like he doesn't need anyone. But they both know that's not true. She will shed no tears however, because he taught her that crying doesn't solve anything, and neither does hurting herself, mentally nor physically for that matter. But she will always and has always loved him. She owes him her life in more ways than one. He is her best friend. Her love. Her everything.

He pushed her hand away and shook his head, “No, don’t ya fucking touch me. Ya did enough. Don’t try to act like ya care bout me.”

She had tears rapidly cascading down her own cheeks for she no longer had the strength to will them away. She shook her head, “But I do care, Jack.”

Jack shook his head and let out a dry laugh, “Ya have a funny way of showing it. I've dealt with my ghosts, and I've faced all my demons. Finally content with a past I regret. I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness. For once I'm at peace with myself. I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long. I'm moving on. I loved you more than I ever thought I could love anybody.” He scoffed, “ Maybe that was the problem.”

She looked pleadingly into his eyes and whispered brokenly, “Please, Jack. Let’s not end it like this.”

Jack held up his hand to silence her, “Just shut up, ok? You are getting off easy here and you know it. I'm not gonna let you put up some false protest so that you can feel better about yourself. I am ending it now. That's how I know that it's over. You didn't say a word, Hannah, not a word. 'Cause you don't have the energy to fight it and... I deserve better than that.”

Hannah bowed her head, not saying a word.

He could not bear to stand there and watch her sobbing softly. All he wanted to do at that moment was walk over to her and wrap his arms around her, never letting go, but he digressed. He could not let her get the best of him. He was no longer going to let her get the best of him. He would not play the fool.

Jack sighed and shook his head disgustedly, “I want what everybody wants, I want to be important to somebody. Maybe you want that too, but, if you do, to be honest, I can't really see it, because all I see when I look at you is somebody who's going through the emotions of being in a relationship because she thinks its the right thing to do, I don't know, I just know that that isn't enough for me, so I’ll say goodbye. Well guess what? It‘s for real this time, so sucks for you, huh? ”

He gave her one last lingering glance and turned his back, walking away from her. He could still hear her sobbing, but he tightly closed his eyes as silent tears fell down his cheeks. He was walking as fast as he could, wanting to get as far away from here as possible. He could not stay here another second for he knew as soon as he laid his eyes upon her, that would be it.

Jack would never be able to let her go…for anything.

Hannah never took her eyes off of him as she watched him walk out onto the field. Her eyes were blurred with tears making it almost impossible for her to clearly discern his image, but she could see that his hands were shoved into his pockets and his head was bowed.

She kept her gaze upon him until his disappeared out of her view.

Hannah walked back under the bleachers and fell onto her knees upon the Earthern floor. She put her face in her hands and sobbed. She had finally done it. She had given up the one person in this world whom she truly loved and loved her just as deeply. The one person on this Earth who would do absolutely anything for her.

There was a time when she was so blind.. blinded by the love that he gave to her. Little did she know.. it was all a lie.. just a fun game for him to play. He showed her things that people never showed her before. He took her places no one has taken her. He finally healed that broken heart that she received from my everyone she has ever met in her life. Everything was perfect.. or so it seemed. But before she could blink her eyes, everything was falling apart. It wasn't the same.

Then again, maybe it was. For he was no different to any other that had ever hurt her before. The only difference was that she was actually stupid enough to fall for it again. Maybe she should not put him at fault. Maybe the only person she has to blame is herself.

Hannah’s found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said "Journeys end in lovers meeting." What an extraordinary thought. Personally, She has not experienced anything remotely close to that, but she’s more than willing to believe Shakespeare had. She supposes she knows more than anyone really should.

She is constantly amazed by love’s sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespeare who also said "love is blind". Now that is something she knows to be true. For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night. And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that she is an expert.

Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of them? What about their stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space! Yes, you are looking at one such individual.

Have ... have any of you ... lost that one friend ... that person who you thought will ALWAYS be there? Who said they would always be there, but, then, they got tired of you, or fed up with you, or just stopped caring about you, and they just left? After promising you they would never leave they break that promise? You have other friends, people who are your best friends, but that person just meant something to you, something really special, and while those other best friends of yours are people who you would die for in a minute, and they are still there and you know they always will be, you just feel empty because they take that something special away because they just don't care anymore. They accuse their leaving of being your fault. They say it's because you stopped caring. Because you pushed them away farther then they could take. Because you just weren't good enough. Because you just didn't try hard enough. They say that if you cared as much as you said you did, that if you didn't push them away, That if you were good enough, that if you tried harder, then they would still be there. But, what she doesn't understand is why they can't understand that the only reason she pushes someone away was because she loved them so much, and that they meant so much to her, and that she got scared. She was frightened that they would take that love away. And she was right.

They did.

Why can't they understand?

People change and forget to tell each other.

The hardest thing you'll ever learn is how to say goodbye.

GO ONTO NEXT PART:

ch 45 cont

Mon, 02 Apr 2007 05:19:38 GMT

As Jack walked away from her, he finally let the tears flow that he had been keeping in the entire time. Even though she had seen him cry many times before, he was not going to give her the satisfaction of seeing him weak…not this time. He had to let her see that she could not break him, even though that was exactly what she had done.

And he wished today was one year ago, when she cared so much for him and loved him so. There’s not a doubt in his mind that it would still be her because the love that they shared, it was true. She never thought about it, what she made him feel. She promised they'd stay together, but the hope he once had, so unreal. All he needs is, all she needs is her. That is all he has ever wanted.

Then why could he not have her?

Jack abruptly stopped walking and leaned against back against the wall. He rubbed furiously at eyes, wiping away his tears, but no matter how much he tried to heed them, they seemed to fall even harder. He was so emotionally drained that he fell down onto his knees and clutched his stomach. He was letting out gut wrenching sobs. He did not even care that he was in broad daylight and that anyone could come upon him at this moment. It was as if he were oblivious to everything. Except the pain that is.

His breathing was coming out in chocked and ragged gasps. His chest felt so constricted, almost as if he were internally suffocating. He has never felt such sadness and anguish like this before. Nothing that happened to him in his past seemed to compare to this moment.

Jack understands that in this black and white world that she lives in, she didn't see any choices. But that's not his world. He see things in gray ... and that's what makes them different, and that's what made him fall in love with her ... and that is what's tearing them apart.

Had they changed or were they strangers all along?

Maybe she fell in love with him or maybe she just wanted someone to pay attention to her.

Did she really love in him or was it just pity? Was he someone whom was just there? To cater to her every whim and be at her beck and call? Was it ever just about the two of them or was she getting rid of him now after he had served his purpose?

She has a hard time trusting people -- men, especially -- and who can blame her after all she has been through? But he had been through just as much shit she had and he trusted her more than anyone. Why was it so hard for her to do the same?

Jack never wanted to save the world, and his first ambition wasn't to change someone's life. This doesn't mean he didn't care about the important things; he did....it just wasn't at the top of his list. He was a man that just never stopped to analyze things, and he regrets the things he actually did care about. He made choices that he wished would erase themselves from history, and he created drama that he realized was never worth the effort. He’s just another guy hoping for a second chance at everything.

Hannah was right.

He was not happy and he was tired of pretending . If he left, he could become whomever he wanted. He could reinvent himself. He could come back to a changed world because he would be a changed person who no longer needed the masks he wore.

Jack wiped his tears away with the sleeve of his shirt and took a few deep breaths to compose himself.

He nodded his head.

He knew now what he had to do. It was all made clear to him now. Maybe all this happened for a reason. Maybe this was God’s way of telling him that he had to get the hell out of this shithole and start living his life.

The pain is too strong right now and the tears are still lingering on his face. That is why he thinks it's best if he just goes.

Jack needs to find himself before he ever finds his way back to her.

Hannah blew off her last period for she knew that she would never be able to get through it. All she wanted to do was go home, go right up to her room and forget the rest of the world.

When she walked into the house, Lynn was sitting on the couch, feeding Wade a bottle.

Lynn’s eyes widened in surprise when she saw her.

“What are ya doing home so early?” Lynn beseeched of her.

Lynn gasped aloud when Hannah slowly lifted her head. Her eyes were puffy and bloodshot and she had tear tracks staining down her cheeks. She looked so pitiful, lifeless and…heartbroken. She knows that look all too well.

That look isn't from just any hurt. That is the look of a girl with a broken heart.

Lynn sees a girl so sad. She lost the only man she ever loved.

She sees herself.

Hannah shook her head sadly and whispered, “I can’t talk right now…I’m sorry.”

Hannah ran up the stairs to her room without even saying another word.

Lynn sighed and shook her head.

It was plainly elucidated to her that Hannah and Jack still had not yet worked out their issues.

Then again, they were Mercers. They could be very stubborn and hard headed when they wanted to be. She should know…she was in love with one.

Still is, in fact.

It's not like she's forgotten about Bobby. She's just dealing with the pain...and the crazy thing about it is: she'd take him back, but the fool in him that walked out is the fool who just won't ask.

Calling it a 'simple school girl crush' was like saying a Rolls Royce was just a vehicle with four wheels, something like a hay wagon. She did not giggle wildly and blush when she saw him, nor did she chalk his name on trees or write it on the walls of the Kissing Bridge. She simply lived with his face in her heart all of the time - a kind of sweet, hurtful ache. She would have died for him.

When two hearts are meant for each other, no distance is too far, no time is too long, and no other love can break them apart.

The first romance, first love, is something so special to all of us, both emotionally and physically, that it touches our lives and enriches them forever.

It's always better to have found the courage to love even if you lose it in the end rather than never finding love because you were too afraid of the challenge.

The one God has meant for us is going to be the hardest to get, the hardest to keep, and the hardest to accept because through all that love will grow stronger, bonds will become thicker, and the future will become more clear. Love wasn't made to be easy, otherwise we wouldn't end up with the right person -- we would end up with the first one who comes along. By struggling we single out the wrong ones and realize who really is the one.

And in the fearless, reckless pursuit of intimate love, it is not the destination it's the journey.

Sometimes the thing that you are looking for is the one thing that you can't have.

Hannah was lying upon her bed in the coveted darkness of her room. She was in a fetal position. She was clutching her bed sheets in her tight closed fists as she sobbed into her pillow. She had been crying incessantly for what seemed like an eternity that her pillowcase was completely drenched from her tears.

She knew it was going to hurt, but she did not think it was going to be this painful. It was so unbearable. All she wanted to do was rid herself of this feeling. She had never felt such sadness before. It felt like her chest was ripped wide opened. She felt so hollowed inside. She was benumbed to the very core.

Why does it have hurt so goddamned badly? Not even when her parents died did she feel such anguish. Where is the logic in that?

Maybe it was because she never loved someone this much before. She loved him with such feirceness and intensity. It was so awe consuming it made her physically ache inside just to think about him, but is love that isn’t madness not love?

Love is like rain, you never know how hard it will be or how long it will last.

It's a strange thing we do...fall in love… knowing that if the person we love ever left us it would destroy us completely.

Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for a while and leave footprints on our hearts. And we are never, ever the same.

Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is growing up.

It's not love that hurts. It's the infatuation with what we so blindly and foolishly accept as love that hurts. True love should never have to hurt.

Everything happens for a reason. Nothing happens by chance or by means of good luck. Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of your soul. Without these small tests...whatever they may be...life would be like a smoothly paved, straight, flat road to nowhere. It would be safe and comfortable but dull and pointless.

Men are like that sometimes -- if they meet someone and fall in love, it's real, no matter how fast it happened. but if someone falls for a woman they happen to care about, all they do is question the man's intentions.

Hannah had noticed when she passed his room that it was vacant. She could not bear to walk in there for fear of what she would find. She could not bear the thought of not seeing him again, but he would never leave without saying a word to anyone…would he? Then again, she would not blame him considering she told him in so many words that she no longer wanted to be with him.

She knew that he did not understand why she had to let him go, but maybe someday he will. That is the only thing that gives her solace is in knowing he will realize that everything she did for him, all the sacrifices she had made were all for him…out of love. She could not selfishly keep him here any longer. She needed to share him with the world. He had far too much talent to let it go to waste. His music needed to be heard by the world. She was only holding him back. He knew it too, but like she, he was just too in love to ever admit it.

There are so many different ways to be connected to people. There are the people you feel this unspoken connection to, even though there's not even a word for it. There's the people who you've known forever who know you in this way that other people can't because they've seen you change. They've let you change.

Well, growing up sucks. Not all kisses are magic, and most boys don't live up to your expectations. But there are times when love, romance, relationships... it all fits together perfectly, and it's incredible, and it's those moments, no matter how depressingly few and far between, that make growing up worth it.

Sometimes you meet someone and before you even know their name, before you know where they're from, you know that some time in the future this person is going to mean something to you.

Never forget your first love because they'll always be the one who started your heart beating.

There would come a time when we have to stop loving someone not because that person started hating us but because we found out that they'd be happier if we let them go.

Maybe some people just aren't meant to be in our lives forever. Maybe some people are just passing through. It's like some people just come through our lives to bring us something: a gift, a blessing, a lesson we need to learn, and that's why they're here. . . you'll have that gift forever.

One of the hardest things in life is letting go of what you thought was real.

Jack was standing in front of Manny’s apartment building wondering if he was making the right decision or not.

He shook his head adamantly, thinking to himself, No, this is what she wanted. This is what I have to do.

Now that he did not have Hannah, there was nothing else keeping him here. She was the only reason why he stayed. He had to admit that if he had never met her he would have most likely been gone a long time ago, but now there was nothing holding him back. He was a free man.

Jack scoffed at his nonsensical thoughts. Yeah…right. Who the hell he was kidding? No matter where he was or how much distance there was between them, he would never be free of her. She was in his blood and would always be until the day he dies. Even if they never reconcile and end up with different people, no one will ever compare to her and the loved they shared. She was the first person he ever truly loved.

A love like theirs does not go away that easily.

Now he saw, now he understood, and now, he regretted.

Jack threw his cigarette down onto the ground and hesitantly walked into the building.

When he got to Manny’s door, he debating if he should just turn back around whence he came. Maybe it was all ready too late. It has been over a month and a half. They could have very well replaced him.

He shook his head and rolled his eyes.

Not likely. He thought to himself.

Jack was far from being conceited but he knew without any shadow of a doubt that his bandmates could never replace him. It was just not possible. He knew it and so did the rest of them. It was something they neither resputed nor denied. It was an unspoken well known fact. No one else but Jack could front The Spares. He not only had the charisma, but the intensity as well. Not to mention that he writes all of the music. Before he came into the band, they were nothing more than three rich kids with instruments having nothing else better to do than play music. They did not share the same passion, love and appreication for playing music like he did. They merely saw it as a stepping stone to gain fame, notoriety, success and most importantly…wealth. Music was his livelihood. It was the only thing he had going for him.

Being on stage was such a rush. It made him higher than any drug on this Earth ever could. To see people actually singing along to your music was so enthralling and captivating. It made him feel almost Godlike in a sense. For two hours or less, he was free.

Maybe Hannah was right. Music is his destiny. If he did not do this, he would most likely regret it for the rest of his life. It started to make sense to him now. He now understood what she had been trying to convey to him all along.

Jack knocked on Manny’s door a few times and impatiently waited for him to answer it.

When Manny opened the door, his eyes widened in surprise, “Jackie, long time no see. Do what do I owe the pleasure?”

“Is it too late?” Jack asked him.

Manny smiled and nodded his head knowingly. He shook his head, “No, the meeting with Epic Records is this Saturday. Why do ya ask?”

Jack sighed deeply and whispered, “I’m in.”

Manny nodded his head, a wide smile was on his face. He wrapped his arm around Jack’s shoulder, “I knew ya would come around, man. What changed your mind?”

He shrugged his shoulders, “Had a change of heart.”

Manny looked at him perplexingly. He knew that something was definitely the matter with his friend. He had never seen him looked so depressed before. Come to think of it, he has not looked this way since he had became involved with Hannah.

His eyes widened in realization.

Maybe he and Hannah had a falling out. That would explain why he was looking like someone ran over his puppy. He thought about asking him about it, but he digressed. He knew how much of a private person Jack was, especially when it pertained to his relationship with Hannah. He had learned that lesson the hard way and was not going down that route once again.

He did not have a death wish.

Besides, nothing mattered except the band anyway. If Hannah was out of the way, there would be nothing holding Jack back. He would be free to make his own decisions. He was a free man with no strings attached. He could live his life the way he wanted without having to answer to anyone but himself.

Manny thought about Beth and sighed.

I wish I could say the same for myself. He thought.

Evelyn walked into her home and let out a wistful sigh.

It felt so good to be home. She had such a long, hard and grueling day at work. Considering the type of work she was in, everyday was like that, but she would not change a thing. She was perfectly content and happy with the career path she had chosen. She would not give it up for anything. She truly loved what she was doing. She was doing what she had always wanted and that is making an positive impact on people’s lives.

Regardless of that fact, it did not make her job any less difficult. Everyday was a struggle. She sometimes felt so drained, physically, mentally and emotionally. That was why it was really nice to come home and spend some time with the people whom she loved and meant the most in the world to her. She felt so lucky to be surrounded by such loving, caring and beautiful individuals.

They kept her young, that was for damn sure.

She took off her coat and hung it upon the rack near the door. The delectable smell of pot roast invaded her nostrils, making her mouth water. She was positively starved for the caseload was so overwhelming today she hardly had a chance to eat anything. The only thing she has was a small muffin this morning, but she did not even have the chance to eat the entire thing.

Evelyn walked into the dining room and smiled softly when she saw Lynn setting the table. She noticed a small pot roast situated in the middle of the table along with a bowl of broasted potatoes, a bowl of cauliflower and a large salad bowl filled with tossed salad, along with a freshly made pitcher of iced tea.

Lynn looked up from what she was doing and smiled at Evelyn, “Hey there.”

Evelyn smiled kindly. She shook her head in disbelief, “Ya did all this?”

Lynn nodded her head sheepishly, “Yeah…I figured that after everything ya have done for me, like taking me in and helping me with Wade, I could at least cook for you. I also did a little cleaning around the house.”

Evelyn nodded her head, “I can see that.” She walked over to Lynn and rested her hand upon her back, “As much as I appreciate all of this, ya don’t need to be my maid to prove that you’re grateful, sweetheart. Just taking care of your child is payment enough for me.”

Lynn smiled and shrugged her shoulders, “I know that, it’s just I wanted to. It’s who I am, ya know? My dad always taught me to work for my keep, to be indepdent. Ya know he made me work in his bar when I was twelve years old? I used to sweep around and clean the tables.”

Evelyn nodded and chuckled softly, “I also remember my Bobby always teasing ya. He always liked you, ya know? “ She playfully bumped her elbow with hers and winked, “I also remember ya having a little crush on him too.”

Lynn’s eyes widened and she quickly bowed her head.

Could this moment be anymore surreal?

It's weird, you know the end of something that has taken so much time to get over is coming and you're so relieved that it's finally here but you still, for some reason want to hold on. Just for one more second…just so it can hurt a little more. After all, this problem has been your life for so long you're not sure if you'll be used to being free.

There are moments in life when you miss someone so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real.

Hurt is what she’s feeling. Loneliness has become her new best friend. Tears seem to always appear. Happiness and love are things of the past. It seems like when he left they went with him...But, how could she blame them? If she could have, she would have gone with him too.

Do you miss him at the most happy and fulfilling times in your life? Just because you miss him when the world is quiet and you feel alone doesn't mean you love him....you will miss anyone when you are lonely....it's when your life is going great and you still feel the ache in your heart because he isn't there to see the genuine smile on your face and happiness in your life.

Lynn shook her head, ridding it of such maddening thoughts.

She had to stop thinking like that. It was no use dwelling upon the things that could never be. Bobby was gone and there was nothing she could about it. He had made his choice, which was to leave her and she had to respect it. There was nothing else she could do. Her hands were tied, she was powerless. He was a big boy and could take care of himself. He knew what he wanted, which was obviously not her and for the first time since he had left; she was okay with that.

Besides, it was not as if he had left her empty handed. He had given her the most precious and most beautiful parting gift. Wade. Her child made all the heartache, anguish and sadness she had to endure worth it. He filled all those empty spaces that were left in her heart caused by Bobby leaving. She did not regret a thing…not one bit of it.

Everyone says if they could go back in time and relive their lives they wouldn't make the same mistakes. They would change their decisions and rethink and relive and nothing they did would be the same. She wouldn't. She would relive her life the same way she’s living it now. Nothing would change. Her mistakes helped shape her. Her decisions defined who she is. She is who she is because of the life she’s lived. And if she had a chance, she wouldn't change a thing.

Evelyn noticed the distressed look on Lynn’s face and asked her concernedly, “Are ya all right, dear? Ya seemed as if ya were miles away.”

Lynn nodded and smiled, “Yeah, just a little tired is all. Wade was really fussy all last night. He wouldn’t go to sleep for nothing. He only slept for like a half -hour earlier this morning.”

Evelyn nodded and chuckled softly, “Babies get in their moods. It doesn’t help matters much that he’s a boy.” She winked letting her known she was only joking.

Lynn shook her head amusedly and scoffed, “You’re telling me. I just finally gotten him to sleep now.”

“Where’s the rest of my tribe?” Evelyn beseeched of her, meaning Hannah and Jack.

Lynn bowed her head and sighed.

How the hell was she going to explain this one?

Evelyn was not going to take the news well that Hannah and Jack were once again on the outs. Then again, when were they not? They constantly fought and made up no more than five minutes later. She would joke around at times and call them the next Bobby and Whitney. You know, except for the spousal abuse and the whole crack is wack issues.

The both were very stubborn and had strong personalities. They were two very intense and passionate people, which most likely made their relationship explosive. She had witnessed firsthand just how much fire they had between them. All you had to do was look at them and feel the heat that was cackling between them.

The way they looked at one another was so powerfully enthralling. Any person on this Earth would give their right arm for just a small fraction of the connection that existed between them.

If they exhibited that much passion when they fought. I can only imagine what the sex must be like. She chided to herself.

Then again, maybe there some things she was better off not knowing.

She had to admit, she found their relationship really enjoyable to watch. They were even more clueless than she at this whole love thing. It made her feel really good in knowing she was not the only one whom was having difficulties with love.

In business people negotiate to win. They negotiate to get what they want. Maybe they're too used to that. Love is different. Love is when you are as concerned about someone else's situation as you are about your own.

It's easy to feel that everyday love isn't like the love in the movies because successions of the mind-numbingly dismal, modern romantic comedies -- stand up French kiss, sleepless in Seattle, and while you were sleeping -- have succeeded in turning everything that's wonderful about love into cheese. People are too literal about love now and it's all because, thanks to these films, there's little space left for symbolism in real life.

Evelyn looked at Lynn worriedly when she noticed the despondent look upon her face, “What’s the matter now? Where are Hannah and Jackie?”

Evelyn sighed and shook her head.

Do I really wanna know? She asked herself.

Lynn heaved a laborious sigh, “Hannnah’s up in her room.”

Evelyn nodded, “And Jackie? Where’s he? Did he have a gig tonight that I wasn’t aware of?”

Lynn shook her head, a small smile forming upon her face, “Not that I know of.” She took a moment of deliberation, pondering if it was really her place to tell Evelyn the news, “Jack didn’t come home yet. I don’t know where he is.”

Evelyn’s eyes widened, “Did he call?”

“No.”

Evelyn sighed and rolled her eyes, “How many times have I told him to call me when he will not be ciming home? He knows how I worry. I hate when he pulls these disappearing acts on me.”

“Maybe Hannah knows where he went.” Lynn suggested.

Evelyn nodded and smiled, “Yeah…maybe you’re right.” She gently patted Lynn’s cheek, “I’ll be right back. Ya sit down and take a load off and I’ll do the rest when I come down…all right?”

Lynn nodded, “Okay.”

Lynn sighed and shook her head as she watched Evelyn walk out of the dining room.

It looked as if it was going to be yet another exciting fun filled evening at the Mercer household.

This fuckin house has more drama than a soap opera. Lynn thought to herself rolling her eyes.

Evelyn knocked softly upon Hannah’s bedroom door before entering. When she walked inside the room, the curtains and blinds upon the window were closed, shrouding the room in complete darkness.

She looked over onto Hannah’s bed and shook her head sadly when she saw her lying upon it. She was clutching a pillow to her chest almost as if it were her lifeline. She could hear the susurration of gasps coming from her as she sobbed softly.

Evelyn walked over to her bed and cautiously sat upon the edge of it. She gently touched Hannah’s back, which caused her to spring up from the bed in fright.

Hannah whipped around and faced Evelyn, her eyes were wild with ferocious intensity as she stared upon her in wide -eyed shock. She could not help but feel slightly disappointed to see that Evelyn was sitting before her. She was sort of hoping that it was Jack, coming to her to make amends. She yearned to feel the warmth of his embrace and his deep soulful voice whispering gruffly in her ear, reassuring her that everything was all right between them. That was all she wanted, was for him love her. It was all she had ever wanted.

It was not supposed to end like this. She had not meant for them to part on such bad terms, but she knew that she had made the right decision. It was far too late to turn back now. What’s said is said and what’s done is done. She just pictured it to end so differently in her head. No matter how many times she had envisioned this scenerio, never in her wildest dreams did she ever think it would end this way. They would end this way. She loved him, with every fiber of her being. It was the sole reason why she had to let him go. She could not bear to be the cause of his regrets.

Sometimes, no matter how much you may love someone. Love is not always enough. She had realized that now. Now was not the right time for them. They had to discover whom they were inside before they dedicated their lives fully to one another. Now she understood what Justin had been lecturing to her about. She had never fully understood his words, or maybe she was just in denial and did not want to believe him. Now she did. She had no choice but to. It was staring her blatantly in the face. It would have been a little easier for her if he had not walked away like he had.

Every time she closed her eyes, she could see his eye looking at her with such hate and disdain. Never had she seen that look in his eyes directed toward her. It made her feel so damned guilty and ashamed that she was putting him through so much hurt. Never had she ever wanted to be the one to cause him pain, but that seems to be as if all she is doing.

The story of love is not important -- what is important is that one is capable of love. It is perhaps the only glimpse we are permitted of eternity.

Of all the things Jack has taught her, there are still two things she doesn't know. She doesn't know how to fall out of love with him and she doesn't know how to let go.

At some point love alone doesn't make a relationship work.

It doesn't mean love's wrong just because your feeling low, and it doesn't mean the loves gone cause you feel like you want to let go.

Sometimes you have to take a step back to see what's really going on. Maybe that's what they both really need to do right now... find their balance again.

Have you ever had a moment when you're with the one person in the world you want to be with and the wind is blowing through your hair. The song that just describes your entire soul happens to come on. Then the person you happen to want to be with happens to love the same song and suddenly you realize you're listening to it together. No matter how crazy your life has gotten there's this one moment, this perfect moment where you could just say that no matter what happens nothing can take this moment away from me.....and then something does…

And she has no one to blame but herself…

Evelyn looked at her daughter and sighed.

Hannah looked like such a pitiful and broken mess. Tear tracks stained her rosy cheeks and fresh tears were cascading down her face. Her hair was a mess and her clothes were crumpled. Never had she seen her in such a disarrayed state.

Evelyn knew there was only one person whom could cause Hannah such sadness.

Jack…

Evelyn cupped her face in her hands and smiled softly. She asked her in a soothing tone, “What’s the matter, baby, hmm?”

Hannah shook her head, “I ruined it…I ruined everything.”

Evelyn shook her head in bafflement, “Ruined what, honey?”

She bowed her head and whispered brokenly, “He hates me.”

“Who hates ya, sweetie?” Evelyn asked her curiously. She was really starting to become increasingly worried about her. She did not like the despondent and lifeless tone in her voice one bit. She sounded just as she had when she first came to live with them.

Hannah sniffed roughly and whispered frantically, “Jack…he left never giving me a chance to explain and it’s all my fault.”

Evelyn’s eyes widened in shock and she gasped aloud in shock. She almost fell off of the bed when she heard Hannah speak those words. She was still not yet clear on what she meant by them.

“What do ya mean…left, Hannah?” Evelyn beseeched of her. Now it was her turn to sound frantic.

Hannah shook her head and heaved an anguished sigh. She felt so exhausted physically and emotionally. She barely had the strength to lift her head up let alone form a coherent sentence.

“Where’s Jack, Hannah?” Evelyn asked her in a gentle yet commanding tone.

She sighed and shook her head, “I wish I knew.” She tightly closed her eyes as the tears rapidly cascaded down her cheeks.

Hannah collapsed in Evelyn’s arms as she wrapped her arms tightly around her tiny frame. She cradled her head to her chest as she sobbed softly into her shirt.

“I love him so much.”Hannah whispered.

Evelyn gave her a gentle kiss upon the top of her head and nodded, “I know ya do, baby. And he loves you.”

She scoffed, “I highly doubt that. I think I blew all of my chances of him ever loving me again.”

Evelyn sighed and shook her head sadly.

There was so much she wanted to say, but she just could not seem to find the words. This has been the first time in her entire life where she had been at a loss for words. Maybe Hannah did not need words. Words only get in the way and cause even more destruction and disaster. They sometimes do more harm than good and cause even more damage in a situation. Maybe all Hannah needed was the comfort of a warm embrace and the touch of a mother’s love.

Just what in the world had transpired between the two of them for Hannah to be in such a state? And was her precious Jackie fairing the same…wherever the hell he may be? She could not bear the fact in knowing that he was in pain all alone out there in those unsafe streets.

Well, if he doesn’t come home, I mine as well forget about sleeping. Evelyn though to herself.

She’s going to tell you something really sub verse. Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it... It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, and risking everything for. And if you don't risk everything, you risk even more.

There comes a time in your life when everything falls apart and you need someone to put it back together again, because you can't do it yourself. To be put back together is to find peace of mind with your heart again. Once that is done, you are functioning as a whole person again. Don't ever let go of the person that put you together, they are more important than you know.

GO ONTO NEXT PART:

ch45 cont

Mon, 02 Apr 2007 05:17:54 GMT

It has been over a week since anyone had seen Jack. They were really starting to worry about him, Hannah and Evelyn most especially. They had not a clue of his whereabouts. They have tried everyone that he knew and have come up with nothing. It was as if he had disappeared off the face of the Earth, but maybe that was the way he wanted it.

To be forgotten.

Hannah has not slept in almost four days. Every time she closed her eyes and attempted to sleep she would see his face staring back at her, his eyes filled with so much hate. She had done a lot of regrettable things in her life, but nothing could compare to this moment. There was nothing more shameful than hurting the one person whom ever truly loved you and gave a damn about you.

You never realize how much you love someone until they're gone. You never realize that, yes, once their love surrounded you but now, what do you have? Memories. Why does love hurt so much, when it's supposed to be a good thing? Why do we dwell on the past, when the future is what matters?

It's something that, yeah, It can't be helped but, maybe it's harder for her then it is for someone else. Faint smells of cologne, a song on the radio, a movie, or a single word, these are things that bring back those memories. But she can't hide from these things, because, they're there and no matter how hard you try to, they'll always be there. Even when you have moved on to the future, and things don't trigger the memories as much as before, they still do. You can't forget someone you've loved, you may want to, but you can't. Love cannot be forgotten, no matter how hard we try, and how much we think it will ease the pain, it will always be there…forever.

Hannah loves him.

Not the kind they taught you about and she had learned through firsthand experience that love doesn't make things nice. It breaks your heart. It makes things a mess. We aren't here to make things perfect. The snowflakes are perfect. The stars are perfect--not us. We are here to ruin ourselves and to break our hearts and love the wrong people and die. The storybooks are bullshit.

It was Friday, she had made it through yet another school week. Not that it mattered to her anyway for she had no one whom she could enjoy it with. Other than Jack, she had no other friends. Okay, so she did have Lynn, but she was to preoccupied with her son to spend anytime with her. Not that she minded. He was her child and that was the way it should be. It was a mother’s duty to take care of their child, especially during these formative years.

Jack was her best friend, her most trusted confidant, her lover, her rock….her everything. Now he was gone from her life for good this time.

Maybe she is addicted to loneliness.

When she walked into the house, she was thankful that no one was home, she really did not feel like dealing with anyone at the moment. All she wanted to do was go straight up to her room, shut the door and close the blinds, hiding herself away from the rest of the world.

She had treaded through this week almost like a zombie. She felt so benumbed to the core, mind, body and soul. Nothing seemed to move her, not even her photography. Ever since they have broken up she has not picked up her camera once. It was as if she were a robot, just going through the motions. These past few days have been an absolute blur for her.

This is the part she hated, the part where her heart hurt so goddamned much.

It just hurts so badly sometimes. Sometimes it feels like you're being thrown into a train track, but the train only hits your heart. Continuously. Over and over again. Without failure. When you're young you don't really appreciate the fairy tales that are thrown into your face at such a young naïve age. So you sit there and watch them -- hoping that someday you can be a professional Cinderella. Getting older you realize that maybe you have to be looking for your one true love and maybe he doesn't exist. Every teen thinks that they can get through their own personal heartbreak. The first guy: that one who throws fluttering butterflies into your stomach and makes you believe that he will be there forever. You don't know that soon he will go away and it will seem as if he left you. You're not by yourself. . . Heart in hand. Crying to whoever will listen.

You try and go in with 'baby steps,' finally you give in; break down your wall; and start to think you 'love' again. But what is love? Just a word that some hopeless romantics used to describe his feelings for someone? What about the other words that people throw into your world of lies? Fate, destiny, ambition, serendipity -- the words that mean the most to you are the ones that hurt the most. The words that you find yourself dwelling over three days after they are said; three days after you supposedly made up with that person. The three days that are always in a month. The first couple months of a relationship are always the best. Maybe they should just end there. Maybe everyone isn't meant to be with just one person. Maybe three or four in a lifetime is more like it. What if you stay with your 'high school sweetheart' for the rest of your life? You don't learn anything and you are remembered as the person who married their first true love. Does anyone really care? Maybe some people think that they can't do any better and that scares them to death. She thinks that people are corrupted to love another person. That is what they learn and may make that their own personal mission in life: to find that special someone who loves you.

You can make yourself love anyone. See past their bad qualities and look to their good; past their looks -- into their heart. You stare straight into their eyes and feel as if you are the only one that they will ever look at again. But do we really want to be touched by a hand that has touched so many? Doesn't it make you wonder why they are alone also? Do they share the same bad qualities as you do? You can't make someone change and mold into what you want him or her to be. You just have to know that if they are the right person for you, you can either love them or leave them. Love the person that they are deep down inside.

Sometimes, though the pain of hanging on is stronger than the pain of letting go, if you're like me, you like to think you can make someone stay with you. Sometimes you have lost so many people in your life that losing another is too hard to let happen… so you keep trying -- looking at other guys and dreaming about what your life would be like if you could be with them, just for a little while; what you could learn from them; that they'd pay some kind of attention to you and then drop you like you never meant anything to them; tell you that they never liked you, then where are you? You are stuck between a feeling of heartbreak and a feeling of some kind of relief. Heartbroken that you will never get to know what it would all be like and relieved that you will never have to change a thing.

Hannah sort of feels like someone's knocked the wind right out of her. It’s like she can hear like an “i told-you-so” kind of thing coming from her subconscious. If that makes sense. Every time she thinks about it, she feels sick She feels like she’s incapable of making a right choice.

Hannah walked up the stairs and as she passed his room, she felt the ad nauseum overcome her once again.

She paused in front of his bedroom and sighed softly.

Hannah wished so much that she could open that door and find him on the other side of it. He would be either lying upon his bed waiting for her or he would be sitting on his floor, playing around on his guitar and writing music.

She put her hand on the doorknob and slowly and cautiously turned it. There was this small light of hope inside of her that maybe he had come home, wanting to spend at least one more night with her before he was to leave.

As she walked inside his room and found it empty, she shook her head disdainfully wondering why even now she would still be so foolish and idyllic. Jack was never coming back and she had to accept that harsh, but true fact.

Why was she even letting it bother her in the first place? Isn’t this what she wanted? For him to move on with his life? Then why was she all of the sudden having a change of heart? She guessed it was true what they say. You really don’t know what you have until it is gone.

You know, tortured and passionate and romantic, with some big happy ending. Wasn't that at all. The characters were flawed and uninspired, the love scenes were amateurish, to say the least, and the ending was definitely not happy. It wasn't even tragic. It just ended.

Hannah sighed deeply and walked out of his room, closing the door.

Evelyn was sitting at her desk in her office, trying to fill out some paperwork, but her mind was elsewhere. She just could not seem to concentrate today, or any other day this week for that matter.

Giving up, she heaved a laborious sigh and took her glasses off, throwing them down upon her desk in defeat.

She leaned over her desk and squeezed the bridge of her nose tightly. She had such a terrible headache she could barely see straight. Maybe it was due to the fact that she had not eaten a thing at all today. She was far too worried to think about food, or sleep, or work…anything. She could think about nothing but her son. He has been the only thing upon her mind these last four days.

Evelyn put her head in her hands as she began to cry. It was something she has been doing a lot of as of late.

Where could Jackie be? Evelyn pondered to herself.

It has been nothing but torture for her. She has spent so many sleepless nights driving around the streets in search of him. She even filed a missing report with the police department and so far, they too have turned up no leads. She has been at the police department everyday, desperately beseeching them of any updates they may have regarding Jack, but they failed to have any answers for her. It was not as if they were really making an effort. They had more important issues to worry about. They could care less about some missing kid. They mostly likely shelved his report to the side, chalking him up as yet another runaway.

Every time she is out in public places, she scans the area hoping with everything in her that she catches one tiny glimpse of him. There are so many thoughts running through her mind, horrific and disturbing images of his fate. She knows that it is wrong to think so negatively, but it is a cruel world out there. She has every reason in the world to be frightend for her son.

Evelyn knows without a doubt that Jack is a strong and capable man. He is a fighter and a survivor, through and through. If anyone can make it out on those mean streets, he can. He had literally lived on them for years, but she was his mother. It was her duty to worry about him.

I’m not the only one who’s worried. She thought to herself.

Her heart went out to Hannah. It really did. Her Hannah was not the same without Jack. She was so lifeless, despondent and…heartbroken. She could see it in her face and in her eyes. Those eyes that were once so brightly alit with vivaciousness, happiness were now vacant, steely and…lifeless. It was almost as if someone had taken her soul. Maybe in a way, that was exactly the way it was.

She knew without any shadow of a doubt that the reason for Jack leaving had something to do with Hannah. She would bet her life upon it. It was just too much of a coincendence. She knew not what had transpired between them, but it could not have been good.

Evelyn shook her head and sighed.

She was really getting too old for this. These kids were going to be the death of her.

When Hannah walked into her room, she was thankful that Evelyn had not opened up her blinds and curtains. She had such a pounding and throbbing migraine and the sunlight would only make it worse.

She knew her headache was undoubtedly caused by her lack of sleep. She would spend her restless nights crying, thinking about Jack, wishing he was lying with her, holding her in his arms. Sometimes the need would get so bad she would tightly clutch a pillow, closing her eyes and pretending it was him. But the pillow was useless and did not a thing to ease her sorrow for nothing upon this Earth could compare to him.

Pathetic, huh?

Hey, is not everyone whom is in love?

Hannah threw her backpack on her floor in the corner of her room. She walked over to her bed and flopped down upon it.

She ran both of her hands through her hair and sighed deeply.

When in the hell is it gonna get any better? She asked herself pleadingly.

All she wanted was for the pain to go away. Maybe then would she be able to go on with her life.

In your life you meet people. Some you never think about again. Some you wonder what happened to them. There are some that you wonder if they ever think about you. And then there are some you wish you never had to think about again; but you do.

Growing up is full of big moments. Some of them you can see coming from a mile away; and some you can't see at all.

In love there’s no simple fix. Sometimes you have to just hang on... and lead with your heart.

Relationships, of all kinds, are like sand held in your hand. Held loosely, with an open hand, the sand remains where it is. The minute you close your hand and squeeze tightly to hold on, the sand trickles through your fingers. You may hold on to some of it, but most will be spilled. A relationship is like that... held loosely, with respect and freedom for the other person, it is likely to remain intact. But held too possessively, and the relationship slips away and is lost.

Hannah fills her days with memories of him. She remembered how he used to look at her, as if she was his most valuable treasure. She cannot help but wonder if they will be able to find their way back to each other. The road seems so very long, and her head is crowded with such dark thoughts. She feels their bond grows weaker by the day and she’s powerless to stop it.

Hannah is savagely ripped out of her reverie by someone softly whispering her name.

She would know that voice anywhere. She must be going nuts because now she is starting things.

When she turned around, her eyes widened and she gasped aloud in shock as she saw Jack walking out of the shadows.

Hannah could not believe that she had not noticed him standing there in the corner of her room. Surely, she would have noticed his presence…right? Or maybe this was all just a figment of her imagination. It was nothing more than wishful thinking on her part.

Could it be that their connection and bond was all ready starting to dissimate between them after only a four days?

As soon as Jack laid his eyes upon her, every qualm or doubt he had about coming went right out of the window. Just setting his eyes upon her made him feel better than he has all week. The week he had to spend without her. It had to be the longest and ardorus four days of his life. He had been absolutely miserable without her. He could not eat, sleep nor play music. All he could think about was she. She plagued his thoughts night and day. He knew that he could not leave here without seeing her one last final time. It would be his biggest regret. He did not want to regret any single aspect of their relationship.

Not even the way it ended.

Hannah could not take her eyes off of him. She stared at him as if in a daze, she was transfixed. Everything about him was just so incredibly beautiful. He looked so amazing standing there she could hardly breathe. As cheesy as this may sound, he really took her breath away. He was wearing baggy denim tatttered jeans, which had large holes at the knees, black leather unlaced combat boots and a black loosely fitted t-shirt. He was also wearing that leather jacket she loved so much. His hair was styled in its usual disarrayed fashion and his face was covered in a five o’clock shadow, indicating to her that he most likely had not shaven since she last saw him. It added more ruggedness to his appearance and made him seem more older, more mature. She had to admit, she kind of liked it upon him. It made him look even more sexier and masculine. If was that humanly possible.

Just lying her eyes upon him made her feel one hundred percent better. He was like a breath of fresh air, a nice cold glass of water on a hot summer day.

He was everything…

Jack stuffed his hands into his pockets and looked intently down at his feet. He made sure to keep a considerable disatnce from her for he did not know how she was going to react to seeing him. So far since he had revealed himself to her, she has been very quiet. Coming from her, that could mean a multitude of things.

He gazed at her from under his lashes and sighed softly.

She looked so goddamned gorgeous he could barely stand on his own two feet for his knees felt as if they were going to give out any moment. It has been only four days since he had seen her, but it felt like forever to him. Maybe that was because he loved her so much.

Before he could realize what was happening, it was over.

When he met her, it was like... a shade going up in a dark room, the light suddenly pouring in. She understood things about him. Things no one else ever did, ever could. And then... just as suddenly, the room went dark again.

They’ll always be close. It's just how they are. They’ve been close for so long that it would just be weird to drift apart from each other. They’ve always been and will always be there for each other. That's just how their relationship is, but after a while, you just stop needing people like you used to.

Jack had experienced how miserable he was without her and frankly, he dreaded the thought of ever having to go through it again. But he would rather feel pain than nothing at all. He was used to pain.

He did not feel normal without it.

It was she he just had to get used to not having any longer.

The awkward cloud of silence hung heavily in the room between them, both not knowing what in the hell to say to one another.

The worst kind of silence is the one in which you know can never be broken without consequence.

Hannah sighed, “What are ya doing here, Jack?” She bowed her head and whispered, “I thought you were gone.”

Jack nodded and said gruffly, “I was.” He hesitated and shrugged, “I don't know why I'm here, I just wanted to see you... I mean, I’m leaving tomorrow!... and what if I never... we never... maybe I could spend the night? Just to hang out... “

She shook her head, “You can't stay. If I stay, if we spend the night together... I... I don't know that I could let you leave.”

He sighed exasperatingly, “Then don’t. Come with me.”

Hannah let out a dry laugh and scoffed, “ Yeah, and be what your groupie? I’ll just be sitting around doing nothing while you’re out touring and all that shit? That kinda life’s not for me, Jack. Ya know that. I wanna finish school and make my own way. “ She shook her head sadly, “We’re from different worlds, Jack. I realize that now.

Jack took a deep breath and walked over to her and fell down upon his knees before her. He grasped her hands and held them to his chest, whispering, “That's not true.“

She kept her her head bowed for she did not want him to see the tears that were falling from her eyes. His deep voice was sending chills down her spine, sooothing her soul. The warmth of his hands holding hers in a firm grip made every single nerve in her body go haywire.

Jack lifted her hands up to his lips and kissed her knuckles lightly, “I love you, Hannah.”

Hearing him say those words should have made her feel better, but it only caused her to cry even harder. He was making it increasingly difficult for her to let him go. Why did he not stay away and leave her alone? It would have been much easier for her to get over him. Out of sight, out of mind, but seeing his face was like falling in love with him all over again.

Does she still love him? Of course, she does. Does she still need him? Maybe, but she’s not so sure. She doesn't know if she really needs anyone...so she thinks she’s going to let go. And she knows it's going to hurt, she’ll still cry herself to sleep every night. But eventually, she won't cry anymore. Maybe she'll even find someone else to love and care about as much as she does for him, although she doubts that very much. She’s not so sure though...maybe she should wait a little longer

You get used to somebody, you kind of like having them around. You get used to the way they make you happy, bring you up when you're feeling down. She never dreamed when she was letting him go that she would wake up and miss him that much. She guessed you get used to being loved.

The harder she tried to forget him, the more she remembered him. The more she tried to hate him, the more she wanted him to look at her with those eyes of his, and smile that smile of his that never failed to stop her breath

Hannah was not ready to let that feeling go right yet. Maybe they could have just one more night together. Maybe they could just pretend that everything was right between them for a few short hours.

Jack looked at Hannah perplexingly, wondering what in the hell was running through her mind at that moment.

He reluctantly let go of her hands and placed them neatly upon her lap. He sighed dejectedly and whispered, “I’m sorry for coming here, Hannah. I’ll just go.”

Jack slowly got up off of the floor and glanced at her momentarily before walking over to the door.

Just as he was about to turn the handle, he heard her say his name within a pleading tone.

Jack’s eyes widened in shock when he watched Hannah spring up from the bed and begin walking over to him.

He made direct eye contact with her as he met her halfway. Not a word was said as they wrapped their arms around each other and their lips crashed.

Hannah raised herself up on tiptoe to better reach his searching mouth, sliding her arms around his neck to give her easier access. He tightened his hold on her waist in response and pulled her up higher, her toes just barely brushing the floor.

"Hannah," he groaned, lifting his head slightly to gaze deeply into her eyes, the rasp of his breathing loud in the hushed room. He almost lost the rigid hold he was keeping on his control when he saw her passion-clouded eyes and bemused expression, and the realization that he was doing that to her gave him a heady rush of power. With a muffled moan his mouth settled down on hers again. Her sweet response was his ultimate undoing.

Their tongues mated wildly and their hands were touching everywhere they could reach. Jack cradled the back of her head and gently grabbed a fistful of curls. He tugged on the strands forcefully. It was not hard, just enough to make her tremble in desire.

This was not just any kiss. It was filled with desperation and sorrow for they knew this was goodbye.

Hannah braced her hands upon his shoulders and peeled his leather jacket off, throwing it haphazardly onto the floor. His shirt and belt followed soon after.

She hooked her arms around his neck and led him to her bed, but before they even reached it, Jack spun her around, taking the lead instead. Jack fell back onto the bed, causing Hannah to fall on top of him.

He sat up in the bed, bringing her with him to gain more leverage. Jack did not even take the time to unbutton her shirt, he just literally ripped if off of her body and was pleasantly surprised to see that she was not wearing a bra.

Her eyes widen as she looked at him and he just grinned, arching his eyebrow questioningly.

Hannah shook her head amusedly as they both chuckled aloud.

“Are you sure?” He asked her as he cupped her cheek.

“What the hell kind of question is that?” She asked him incredulously.

Hannah rolled her eyes ,“Come on, Jackie. "Make love to me.“ She whispered. "Now." she replied, fingering the button of her jeans, enjoying the flush that was coming over him, “Are you scared?” she asked him breathlessly.

His eyes shot up and an eyebrow rose in amusement. “Hardly,” he breathed, kneeling down on the bed and kissing Hannah, pulling her up against him as he cupped her face and tasted the thrill of doing something that he knew would hardly be a secret.

She made no delay in climbing up over him and attacking his mouth once again, forcing her pelvis against his in a wanton display of arousal.

Panting heavily, she sat up and removed her jeans, not even thinking about making an attempt to be graceful about it. Jack’s eyes watched her keenly as he shoved his own clothing down his hips.

Jack tried reaching for her, but it seemed that she wanted to be in control this time around, which he did not mind at all. In fact, he kind of preferred it that way. It took the pressure off of him.

In moments Hannah was over top of him again. Her hand grasped his cock and slid teasingly along it. She grinned when his eyelashes fluttered and a low groan escaped his lips.

Pushing herself up on her knees, she guided herself down onto him and closed her own eyes. “Jack,” she breathed, enveloping him until she felt like he was completely a part of her own body.

Her bare leg bends up along the outside of his, and her hands press against his shoulders, pulling herself up until she can tilt her hips and slowly ease him in. She slides down, inch by inch, and it’s so fucking erotic he might lose himself before he’s all the way in. Gently she leaned forward, bracing her hands on either side of his shoulders, and began to move.

She watches him as she starts to move against him, and he follows the rhythm she sets, slow, careful strokes, a tentative push and pull. There’s not much leverage, but neither are willing to adjust anything, as if any movement besides this gentle rocking will scare the other away. They hold each other’s gaze the whole time, eyes boring into one another’s, knowing they shouldn’t be doing this, waiting for the other to stop, too afraid to commit to the moment because at any second it might be torn apart. They wanted to make this moment last for they knew this was last time they would ever feel this way again.

“Oh, Hannah," he groaned appreciatively, drawing a smile from her. Dropping his head down, he slowly kissed his way across the smooth skin burning under his lips, sending shivers all throughout her body as he found his way to the aching tips of her breasts, lingering there for long moments, making her cry out in pleasure as he drew them into his hot, wet mouth. Her fingers began to trace lazy circles across the sweat-dampened skin of his back, and as she stared down at the familiar dark head that was pillowed against her chest, she knew a longing so piercing, so consuming, that she was almost drowning under the sheer force of it.

Her hands had hardly been idle; they had slid to his hips, pausing to caress the soft skin there before moving on to his back, teasingly scratching her nails down the length of his sides as he shuddered in reaction, then on to his chest, rubbing her fingertips across the muscled plane, smiling at his response when she found the flat nipples hidden there.

Jack bit back a heavy moan as his hands found her hips and he started to thrust up into her. He loved looking at her like this; panting with desire, skin flushed with sweat, eyes dark with lust. When she sat up and leaned back, moving her own hands over her chest, he gripped her harder and set a faster, rougher pace.

The illicit sound of naked skin rubbing against naked skin was wildly erotic to their primed senses, sending both of them into a wild frenzy. Jack's caresses became less controlled, less gentle as he heard the rough rasp of her breathing, and his shaking hands slid to the juncture of her thighs. He began to tremble as he felt the heat that awaited him there, and, lifting his head to once again capture her sweet lips with his, he lost the last shred of control he had ever possessed.

“Oh God oh God oh God….,” She chanted over and over again as the pressure within her grew. By now Jack had forgotten all about tomorrow and whom may be in the house at that moment. He was concentrating solely on making her scream in pleasure, wanting her to vividly remember what she would be missing when he left.

What they both would be missing…

He moved one hand down her pelvis, slid his fingers against her folds, and, on a forceful, upward thrust, twisted her clit.

She came apart around him, calling out his name and falling to her hands over him. Jack kept pushing into her, continuing the sparks of her orgasm as he soon met his own. He was only vaguely aware of his own choking cries of enjoyment.

Jack cupped her face and kissed her deeply, swallowing both of their groans and screams.

But then she tore her mouth away from his and let out a soft moan, her eyes fluttering shut, and the last bit of his control snaps. He rolls her onto her back, braces his hands against the mattress, and starts pumping into her. When her body curls around him, he takes her mouth like he’s always wanted to, hard and desperate, biting and lapping at her lips with his tongue. She responds, just as needy, just as eager, hands clawing at his back as her body quivers beneath him.

He buried his head in the curve of her neck, pushing her knees up so his efforts would be more effective. She gasped her appreciation for his thoughtfulness, her hands twisting in his hair, flinging her head back against the pillow in delirious abandon. He rocked slowly against her, his movements growing more and more out-of-control with each deep thrust. His rough groans blended with her soft whimpers, the bed creaking in rhythm with the passionate motion of their bodies. Hannah felt the precipice racing to meet her as his hand slid between their straining bodies to force her to completion first, and she gave in with a muffled scream into his mouth, her voice breaking on his name, her breath catching painfully in her lungs.

As soon as they’re finished, Hannah lays on top of him, blanketing him. Her face buried in his neck and her arms snug around his body.

Jack wrapped his arms around her tiny body and cradled her head to his chest. He kissed her sweat slicked forehead and sighed deeply.

He surfaced slowly from the dazed stupor that had consumed him to the vivid awareness of her soft body on top of him, of the rapid beating of her heart beneath his, of the gentle rise and fall of her chest that lifted him slightly as she breathed in and out.

He peered up at her scrawled across his chest, knowing that this moment was right, positive that he had never been happier, wanting this moment to last forever.

Tears filled his eyes as reality of the situation came upon him. He could also feel his chest becoming wet by Hannah’s tears, but he pretended as if he did not even notice.

He squeezed his eyes shut, willing the tears to go away. Now was not the right time to be thinking such thoughts. They should just enjoy the little time they had together. To think, he had wasted all of those days being angry and selfish.

The two of them laid silently in the bed, reveling in one another’s embrace for this was the last night they would ever have to be this way again.

All they wanted was to delay the inevitable for as long as they could…

It was ironic that as they were holding onto one another, all they were doing was letting go.

The pale moonlight filtered through the drawn blinds, illuminating the darkened room, sending long beams of light criss-crossing onto the floor. The glimmering moonshine caught upon Hannah's hair, turning the bright strands to fire, the only spot of color in the otherwise obscured room.

Neither one of them slept and they both have been in this room for almost three hours and have said one word. It was as if they did not want to shatter their precious illusion.

Hannah slightly lifted her head up and looked at him, smiling sadly.

These were the moments she was going to miss the most. Just the two of them lying in the stillness, cuddling and just basking in the enjoyment of being in one another’s presence. They were only torturing themselves by pretending as if they were going to last.

She knows their relationship is well over and there is no hope of them getting back together. After tonight, he is moving on. But she’s not so sure she’s ready yet. Something won't let her forget him and the sweet things he has done that have made her love him so much.

For this past week, she had tried to figure out why she can't shake off the memories. But she thinks that she has finally come to a conclusion. She’s scared. She’s scared because she know that there will never be someone out there like him. No one will touch her in the same ways he has touched her. What they had just done only further exemplified that fact.

No one will make her feel the same way he has made her feel. So, now that she thinks about it, she'll hold onto the memories just a little more. She will dream one more dream-just until she can find someone new and that's when she will finally set him free.

Jack cupped her cheek and returned her smile.

She sighed deeply and rolled off of him and sat up in the bed, clutching the sheet tightly to her chest with her back facing toward him.

He leaned up in the bed as well and scooted closer to her, resting his hands upon her shoulders, “What’s wrong?”

Hannah shrugged and shook her head, “What are we doing here, Jack? Why the hell are we doing this to ourselves?”

Jack took his hands away her shoulders and leaned back up against the bed frame.

He sighed and nodded his head in understanding, “Maybe we’re just gluttons for punishment.”

She nodded her head and chuckled softly, “Maybe…” She looked over her shoulder to look at him and her heart almost stopped by how utterly gorgeous he was sitting there naked in her bed with nothing but a blanket covering his lower half. He looked like he belonged there.

Hannah ran a hand through her hair and sighed, “When are ya leaving?”

Jack cleared his throat and said in a gruff whisper, “Tomorrow.”

She nodded her head sadly, “I thought that ya had a meeting first?”

He shook his head, “The scout’s taking us back to LA and we’re gonna have the meeting there with the record execs. They’re gonna sign us no matter what, it’s just they wanna see what we’re have to get all the technicalities together first.”

Hannah smiled , “That’s amazing, Jackie. I’m so happy for ya. No one deserves this more than you. I knew ya could do it.”

Despite his dreary and solemn demeanor, Jack found himself smiling for he knew that she was being nothing but sincere and genuine.

He shrugged his shoulders, “Yeah…well, if it wasn’t for ya giving me a swift kick in the ass, I wouldn’t never have done it.

Along the way there was this voice inside his head telling him to give up--that it's not going to happen. But he listened to his heart instead; believing one day she would make his dreams come true. He guessed that was all just wishful thinking, but now it's too late to take the advice that the voice inside his head gave him, and for some strange reason, he doesn't regret it. Maybe it's because he’s scared to give up hope. He’s afraid that if he gives up on her, he'll give up on all his hopes and dreams entirely. Because she is his motivation. She is the thing that makes him look forward to his tomorrows.

How lucky is he to have known someone who was so hard to say goodbye to?

She leaned over the bed and placed her hand uon his that were folded upon his lap. She met his gaze and smiled softly, “It wasn’t me, Jackie…it was all you.”

Jack leaned over and cupped her cheek, whispering to her fiercely, “Before I leave, promise me one thing - that you won't forget what we had. Because it was special, I know it was. And if I could go back in time, you know I would go back to you.

Hannah heaved and anguished sigh and turned her head away from him, “Don’t say things like that. Don’t make things harder than it has to be.”

Jack looked at her incredulously and let out a dry laugh. He got out of the bed and picked up his boxers and jeans off of the floor slipping them on.

He ran shaky hands through his hair and sighed, “ Ya wanna know what you’re problem is, honey? You’re too fuckin stubborn, too tough to realize reality and for that reason right now it’s over. You are the best thing that ever happened to me and if it works out down the line I will be the happiest man alive but if it doesn't I can always look back and say I gave it every chance I possibly could and it just wasn't enough. Can you say that?”

Hannah sighed, “I’m sorry, Jack. I really am.”

Jack nodded his head, “I know that you didn't mean it and I know that you think saying sorry will make it better, but that's not how the world works. It's an imperfect world and feelings just don't go away that fast. So either you never really loved me or you're just hiding it because you're scared. Well let me tell you, hiding something will get you nowhere and lying sure as hell won't make you happy. So go ahead and let me leave but in the end you will see your mistake and ask me to come back. But you know what? I won't be so quick to play the fool next time.”

She ran both of her hands through her hair and took a few deep breaths. She felt the swelling of tears threatening to spill from her eyes once again, but she drudged up all of the strength she could muster at the moment to keep them at bay, “In the best possible way, you have absolutely wrecked me, because you see, I fell in love with you, knowing that there was never any possibility of being with you. It took a long time, but I suddenly realized I wasn't in love with you. But more the thought of you. I loved who I thought you could be, not who you were. I'm sorry…”

Jack had to laugh upon hearing her words. Who in the hell was she kidding? He did not believe her for once second. He could read her like an opened book.

He crossed his arms over his chest and nodded his head, smirking, “Yeah, keep on telling yourself that, baby. Ya love me. I felt it there in that bed. I know ya do. Ya forget I know ya better than you know yourself. Or at least I thought I did. Not only did I kiss you and have it mean everything to me, but I actually said 'I love you' with all my heart. And to know that you can just get up and do that to anyone makes me not hate you…but makes me realize I hate myself cause I let myself fall in love with you. I always wanted to try for you. I’d have done anything and more. But now you're so far out of reach. I've tried to hold on…but I just can't anymore.”

Jack sighed and shook his head, “ I'm tired of trying for something that never get any better. I'm tired of the pain. So from now on we'll live our lives apart from each other, and we'll pretend we don't remember everything we've shared. But I would've done anything for you…and I still would.”

Hannah kept her head bowed and did not say a word.

He stood there, silently watching her, wishing to God that she would say something, but she did not. Instead, she just chose to sit there and say not a word to him. Maybe she did not need to. Her silence spoke volumes as to how she felt towards him.

Jack nodded his head and scooped up his shirt and jacket upon the floor.

He looked longingly over at her, wanting so much to walk over to her, but he digressed. He had to be strong, for the both of them. He took a deep breath and nodded, “Okay, you know how I feel, and no matter how much I love you or how long I stay with you, you’re only gonna remember the moments when I leave. Ya know, I've been thinking about how to say goodbye to you all week. Maybe I've been thinking about how to make those words come out of my mouth every second of the day since I made the decision to leave. Because of you I am even more afraid of relationships. Because you and I, we were special. We had something.. in that short amount of time you taught me so much...then it all ended with you teaching me that no matter how much you care about someone…they'll always let you down so I now know what to expect.”

Jack gripped the doorknob and turned it, but before exiting he turned back to her, “Maybe saying goodbye to you is the hardest thing I've ever had to do as you know, I'm not good at goodbyes but I guess that's what this is, a real one this time, because as much as I thought I wanted us to be together, I guess what I want more is to be one of those people who lives every moment of his life without indecision and without regrets. Someone who dares to disturb the universe without a thought to the consequences. You're not one of those people, at least not yet. Maybe you'll prove me wrong about that one day, I hope you do. “ He shrugged his shoulders, “But who knows? Maybe people can't change, maybe we're doomed to repeat the same mistakes over and over again no matter how hard we try. I always hope for a happy ending, how crazy is that? Take care of yourself, Hannah.”

He walked away never turning back for fear of what he might see, and for what he knew he would miss so much. She looked over her shoulder as he became a blur through the tears. And from then on out, there was always an unspoken connection.

Hannah thinks in a way, that... it's good, you know? Maybe it's the only way that they could finally stand on their own. You know, to... hurt each other so much that they have no choice but to let go. Maybe otherwise they never would.

They know that life is going to change a little bit. Sometimes people choose things that make everything different from what it was. People aren't perfect. Sometimes they make mistakes, sometimes they get angry. But you still love them. Because if they're yours, they matter more than anything.

Sometimes you have to let go of someone to see if there’s anything there to hold on to.

GO ONTO NEXT PART:

ch 45 cont

Mon, 02 Apr 2007 05:16:20 GMT

Jack walked into his room and slammed the door behind him. He slammed the door so loudly it caused the wall to slightly shake.

He began taking clothes out of his bureau and throwing them into a large duffel bag. He did not even know what he was taking with him. All he knew was that he wanted to get the hell out of this place as soon as possible for it was made plainly obvious he was not wanted here.

After he was finished, he laid his duffel bag onto the floor and sat down upon the bed a moment to get his bearings. He looked around his room, intently taking in his surroundings, wanting to etch every detail into his mind.

Realization slowly started to sink in and he finally let the tears fall that he had been holding in for so long. He could not believe that he was leaving here. The first home he had ever known. This was the only place in the entire world where he had felt truly safe. For the first time since his fruition, he had actually belonged someplace.

Evelyn had not only given him a name, but she had given him a future as well. A life. If it were not for she, he knew not where he would be at this moment. He would most likely be six feet under, or close to it. It was so hard for him to think of his life before here. It was so surreal in a way. It was almost as if he had not actually lived it, like he was playing some sort of role within a one act stage play, but the memories he had never ceased to remind him just how real it was.

Jack had come a long way since he first came here when he was just nine years old. No longer was he that introverted little boy frightened of the world. He was a man now, free to live his life the way he sees fit without any shame nor guilt.

Now that this scared little boy no longer follows him wherever goes, he misses him. He does. Cause there are things he wants to tell him... to relax, to lighten up, that it is all going to be okay. He wants him to know that meeting people who like you, who understand you, who actually accept you for who you are, will become an increasingly rare occurrence. Evelyn, Bobby, Angel, Lynn, Jerry, Josh, Amanda, all those people that had ever caused him harm and most importantly…Hannah. These people who contributed to who he is, they are with him wherever he goes, and as history gets rewritten in small ways with each passing day, his love for them only grows. Because the truth is... it was the best of times.

Mistakes were made, hearts were broken, harsh lessons learned, but all of that has receded into fond memory now. How does it happen? Why are we so quick to forget the bad and romanticize the good? Maybe it's because we need to believe that the time we spent together actually meant something, that we were there for each other in a time in our lives that defined us all, a time in our lives that we will never forget. He can't swear this is exactly how it happened. But this is how it felt.

It was now time for him to move on and live out his dreams and he was not going to feel guilty about it any longer. Of course, it still hurt, he was unfortunately human after all, but he would survive it…alone. Just as he always had.

Jack smiled sadly as he picked up the picture of Hannah that was sitting atop of his bedside table. He carefully studied it, running his finger lightly upon the frame, where her face lie just underneath.

It was his favorite picture of her because he had taken it. He snapped it during their memorable vacation together, the best three days of his entire life. He will never forget the day he had taken it. It was their second day there and they were sitting upon the beach, just staring out into the lake in contemplative silence. He vividly recalled how beautiful she looked when he looked over at her. It was as if there was this ethereal light coming from her being. She was the kind of beautiful that made your heart physically ache just to look at her, to cease time and to thank every deity above for gracing such a person in your presence. He wanted nothing more than to take that image and remember it forever.

And that’s just what he had done.

Jack chuckled to himself as he recalled how absolutely furious she was after he had slyly stolen her camera right out of her hands and snapped her picture. But after seeing the photo, even she had to admit that it was an amazing picture. She had even joked that if the whole music thing could not pan out, he may just have a career in photography, but he had to disagree. It was not he whom had taken such a great photo, it was she whom had made it perfect. He had nothing to do with it. She had the grace and beauty to make any photo picture perfect.

He wiped the tears from his eyes and gingerly put the picture inside of his bag, not wanting his most prized possesion to get tarnished or broken in anyway. Even though she may not be with him in the flesh, he still had that picture to get him through those dark, cold and loney nights.

Jack glanced at the clock quickly and sighed deeply.

It was time for him to go. He was only making it harder on himself by staying. For every minute that he stayed here was torture not only to his sanity, but his heart as well.

He slowly got up off of the bed and picked up his duffel bag and guitar case off of the floor, slinging them both upon his shoulders.

As he got to the door, he scanned his eyes over the room once again.

Tears clouded his vision as he recalled his first night in this room. He would never forget how frightened, lonely and…sad he was.

Flashback Nine Years Ago:

He curled himself up on the bed in a cocoon and hid under the blankets, shivering like a scared little kitten. All he could do was cry. He had shed so much tears that his pillowcase was practically drenched. All he kept thinking was that it was going to happen to him again. He was just waiting for the moment when someone would come into his room and unmerciesslly hurt him for no apparent reason whatsoever.

Regardless of what Evelyn had said, he still did not feel safe. There was no such thing. Not in his world. All he has ever known was degradation, loss and humilitation. Every place he has been to had been nothing but hell.

Why should this place be any different? Because some lady said so?

Jack was not naïve nor foolish enough to think that he could trust anyone.

Sure, Evelyn may have been nice, caring, tender, gentle and loving, but so had many other foster parents he had met over the years and looked how they turned out. He was not going to fall for anyone’s tricks ever again.

Just then he heard the unmistakable sound of the door slowly creaking opened. He clutched his knees to his chest and put himself in a fetal position. It was a sort of defense mechanism he had perfected over the years.

He kept his eyes tightly closed and did not open them once for fear of what he would find when he did. His breath came out in harsh and ragged gasps when he felt someone’s weight shifting on the bed beside him. His heart began racing at a palpitaing speed and he started to tremble more violently than he all ready was.

Jack practically jumped off of the bed when he felt someone touching his back.

He heard someone whispering, “Jackie, it’s all right. I’m not here to hurt you, sweetheart. I’m here to help you.”

Jack started to relax slightly. It was Evelyn. The nice and kind lady, but regardless of that fact, he still kept his guard up for he was not sure of what her intentions were.

Evelyn gently caressed his back in a comforting manner and whispered in a gentle yet commanding tone, “Look at me, child.”

Against his better judgement, Jack slowly turned around to face her. He sat up in the bed and scooted back away from her in the corner of his bed, once again clutching his knees to his chest.

“What do you want from me?” He asked her in a frightened tone, his eyes wide like that of a deer caught in headlights.

Evelyn shook her head and smiled softly. She extended her hands outward to him and opened her up her palms, showing him that nothing was in them, “I know that bad things happened to ya, Jackie before ya came to me, but I swear to you. You’re safe now. No one is ever going to hurt you again. You understand me?”

Jack kept his head bowed, refusing to look anywhere in her vicinity.

She clicked her tongue softly, “Hey, look at me.”

He slowly and cautiously lifted his head up to meet her gaze.

“Do ya understand me, sweetheart?” Evelyn beseeched of him.

Jack nodded his head, “Yes, maim.”

She smiled warmly, “Good.” She ruffled his hair, “Now get to bed you. You have a busy day tomorrow. Your brother Bobby’s gonna take ya ice fishing. Ya ever do that?”

He shook his head.

Evelyn nodded, “Oh, you’ll love it, believe me.” She lifted up the covers, silently urging him with her eyes to lie in the bed, which he complied.

She pulled the covers upon his body and leaned down, gently kissing him upon the forehead, whispering in his ear, “I love ya, my child. You’re safe here, you may not see that now, but you will.”

Jack said not a word, he just looked up at her in bewilderment. What puzzled him so was that he wanted to believe her. There was just something about this woman that he trusted. He truly did feel safe here with her. For the first time in his life, he actually felt…wanted and not just some inconvenience.

Evelyn clicked on his nightlight in his room before walking over to his door. She gave one last lingering glance at him and smiled softly, “Sweet dreams, Jackie.”

And for the first night in his life…he did.

END FLASHBACK

Jack smiled and whispered to himself, “Sweet dreams, Jackie.”

He closed the door to his old life and now it was time to open the one in which would begin his new one.

Today was the beginning of the rest of his life…

When Jack got downstairs in the living room, he was thankful to see that no one had gotten home yet. He was really not in the mood to face anyone. All he wanted to do was leave here without anyone asking him questions. He wanted a clean break from everyone and everything.

He was just about to step outside of the door when he was stopped dead in his tracks by someone calling out his name.

Jack turned around and sighed deeply when he saw Evelyn and Lynn standing there holding Wade.

Evelyn ran immediately up to Jack and wrapped her arms around him tightly. She kissed his cheek and whispered in his ear, “Oh, Jackie, I was so worried about you.”

He dropped his bags onto the floor and awkwardly put his arms around her, patting her back, “I’m fine, mom.”

She nodded, “Thankfully.” She eased out of his embrace and crossed her arms over her chest, “Where the hell were you?”

Lynn quickly excused herself out of the room and headed upstairs to put Wade to bed. She wanted to be anywhere but here at this moment for she knew that Hurricane Evelyn was about to blow. The drama was going to begin at any time and she did not want to be caught in the amidst of it. Besides, this had absolutely nothing to do with her.

Thank God…

Evelyn tapped her foot impatiently, “So, are you going to tell your mother where ya have been the last four days? I have been worried sick about ya, Jackie. I’ve been out driving every night looking for ya. I even called the cops.” She scoffed, “And ya know how much of a help I think they are.”

Jack bowed his head ashamedly, “Is this your way of making me feel guilty?”

She shrugged her shoulders, “Maybe…why…is it working?”

He gazed at her from under his lashes and nodded his head, “I all ready do feel guilty.”

Evelyn nodded her head, “Serves ya right.” She sighed, “But seriously, where were ya?”

Jack shoved his hands into his pockets and looked intently down at his feet, “I just had to get away for a while and clear my head. Manny, my bandmate let me crash at his place for a few days.”

Her eyes widened in shock, “Ya mean you were there all along and made him lie to me?”

He nodded his head and cleared his throat, “Yes, maim.”

Evelyn sighed and shook her head confusingly, “Why did ya feel the need to lie to me?”

Jack sighed, “Cause ya wouldn’t understand why I had to do this and I felt too guilty.”

She shrugged her shoulders, “About what, Jackie? Maybe if ya stop shutting me out and try letting me in once and a while, I may be able to help ya with whatever it is you’re going through.”

He shook his head, “No, ya can’t, mom. I’m sorry to say this, but it’s too late for that.”

Evelyn looked at him pleadingly and asked him desperately, “Why? Why is it too late?” She looked down at his bags upon the floor and her eyes widened in realization. Tears filled her eyes as she looked up at him, “Oh, not you too. Please don’t tell me you’re leaving.”

Jack kept his head bowed for he could not bear to look at her. He had never felt more ashamed nor guilty in his entire life. He swallowed the lump in his throat and whispered, “This is what I have to do, mom. I have to go. If anyone understands why I’m doing this, it should be you.”

She nodded her head, “I do. As much as I hate to admit it, I do. I just wish you would wait until you graduated high school first.”

Jack shook his head, “If I don’t do it now, I won’t have the courage to leave later.”

“Where are you going?” Evelyn beseeched of him.

He hesitated a moment and answered, “We leave tomorrow morning on the first flight out to LA. Our band just cut a deal with Epic Records.”

Her eyes widened and she smiled beamingly, “A record deal?”

Jack nodded his head sheepishly.

Evelyn wrapped her arms around him and squealed, “That is so amazing, baby. I am so happy for ya. If anyone deserves this, it’s you.”

He smiled, “That’s what Hannah said.”

She gasped aloud at the mention of her name. She unwrapped her arms from him and clamped her hand upon her mouth. She shook her head sadly just thinking about how deeply this would effect Hannah. She had all ready bore witness to how much of a terrible mess she has been in the last four days and it pained her to see her that way again. Except this time it would ten times worse.

“Have you told her?” She asked him cautiously.

Jack nodded, “Yeah…she knows.” He let out a dry laugh, “In fact, she was the one who persuaded me to go.”

Evelyn chuckled softly, “That sounds like our Hannah all right. She is the one person that loves you more than life itself, she thinks about you more that she can even remember herself. And if you ever think you're not good enough remember what she once said, she told me she thinks the world of you, and how she hoped to one day get that through your head.”

He quickly bowed his head as he felt the tears begin to swell within his eyes. He sniffed roughly and nodded his head. He was so overwrought with emotion he could not form a coherent sentence. He knew that if he opened his mouth to say something he would start blubbering like a baby and he did not want to make it any harder than it has to be.

Than it all ready was…

She cupped his cheeks and slowly lifted his head, forcing him to look at her. She intently and carefully studied his face. It never ceased to amaze her how much he has changed and how much of man he has become. He has endured so much and has overcome the most insurmountable obstacles. She will never forget the day he was first brought into her home. The way he looked up at her with those gorgeous puppy dog eyes of his. She fell in love with him right then and there. She was a goner from the first moment she laid her eyes upon him. He was so little, so fragile and…beautiful, but now he was grown. He was not that scared little boy anymore.

As much as she tried to deny it to herself, he was not a baby any longer. He was man, in every possible way. She liked to think that she had a hand in that, but she could not take all of the credit. She knew Hannah had just as much to do with his transformation as she did. She may have helped shape the man he is now, but it was Hannah whom had made him into that man. For she was the one whom taught him what it was to love another human being and for that she will always be eternally grateful to her.

Hannah had given him a second chance at life.

See, that's the thing about second chances. It's two people that are there for each other and support each other and care about each other no matter how much they want to deny it. It's about one person doing everything they can to make sure the other doesn't fall and vice-versa. Second chances are about holding on to that other persons hand no matter how hard they beg to let go.

They got some real good memories with each other. There are things she holds close to her heart, and know she’ll cherish always, because they were times spent with him. Maybe it wasn't all wonderful, but what is? They had tears, yes, but that's okay, because they had each other; they had laughs; they had love.

Evelyn smiled through her tears, “I guess ya wanna get going then, huh?”

Jack nodded, “Yeah…I need to meet the guys back at Manny’s. We got some stuff to get together before we leave.”

She nodded, “Ya need a ride?”

He shook his head, “Nah, I borrowed Manny’s car.”

“Ya want me to walk ya out?” Evelyn asked him.

Jack shook his head, “No, that’s all right.” He let out a shaky sigh, “I think I need to do this on my own.”

Evelyn nodded her head, “So that means ya would probably be opposed to me going to the airport then, huh?”

He nodded his head, once again not being able to say a word.

Evelyn wrapped her arms around him and sighed, “So, I guess this is goodbye.”

Jack heaved an anguished sighed, “Yeah…it is.”

She chuckled softly, “I always knew this day was gonna come. I just didn’t think it would be so soon. I was just in denial about the inevitable.”

He nodded his head sadly, “I love you, mom. I really do. I know that I don’t always say it, but I do. I wanna thank ya for everything that you’ve done for me. If it wasn’t for you, I don’t know where I would be. I’d most likely be dead if it wasn’t for you. I’ll never be able to repay ya for all that ya have given me.”

Evelyn shook her head, “Ya just being here is enough. Do ya know how happy it made me having you and your brothers here?” She eased out of his embrace and cupped his cheeks, “I love ya so much, Jackie. I really do. You’re such an amazing man. Don’t let anyone tell ya different, ya understand me?”

Jack nodded as tears began to fall from his eyes for he was too exhausted, physically and emotionally to fight them any longer.

She kissed his forehead and whispered, “Never forget what they did to you and never let them know you remember.” She smiled through her tears, “Now go on and show the world what you’re made of. Do me proud huh?”

He nodded his head, “I will. I promise.”

Evelyn chuckled and said in a jovial manner, “Now when ya become all rich and famous don’t forget about your old ma, huh?”

Jack shook his head, “Never.” He wrapped his arms around his mother and kissed her cheek, whispering in her ear, “Thank you, mom.”

She smiled, “Thank you.”

He reluctantly let got of her and picked up his duffel bag and guitar case.

Evelyn noticed Jack’s eyes staring over onto the steps and she smiled, nodding her head knowingly, “Don’t worry, I’ll take good care of her.”

Jack nodded, “I know ya will. “

She kissed him quickly on the cheek, “Now get going before I change my mind.”

Jack chuckled and nodded his head, “Tell Jerry I love him and goodbye, will ya?”

Evelyn nodded her head, “I will, don’t be a stranger.”

He shook his head, “I won’t.”

She opened the door for him and he gave her one last smile before exiting.

Evelyn watched him walk down the steps, but quickly closed the door for her heart could not take anymore. She walked over to the couch and sat down, smiling through her tears.

Always have the strength to move on, and remember when you do move on, what a blessing it was to have had that person become a part of your life. Know that they have impacted who you are today in some way and because of them, you will be forever changed.

She was actually content with letting him go. This is what he had to do in order to be happy. She could not make him stay if he did not want to. He needed to go out there and see the world, to live his life to the fullest and do good. That is all she wanted for her children, was for them to be good people and they are. Sure, they may not exactly be politicians, or doctors or contributable members to society, but they had good hearts and good intentions. That she was sure of.

If she should leave this Earth tomorrow, she would be content with knowing that she had done her job as a mother. She had raised her children to be independent free thinkers and it was that which was the sole reason why she let them go. It was because she had fulfilled her duties as a mother. They did not need her any longer. All she could do was hope they utilized the values she had instilled within them, but there was not a doubt in her mind that they would not. She knew her sons.

Evelyn just wished that they would not abandon her completely. She at least wanted to see them once more before she died. She was not exactly a spring chicken. She was not naïve enough to think she would live forever.

With my luck the next time they’ll see me will be at my funeral. She thought to herself sardonically.

The tread down the driveway leading to his car had to be the longest walk of his life.

The tears cascaded down his face full force and he made no attempts to heed them. He felt so happy, yet so sad at the same time. He was experiencing a culmination of emotions and it was just too much for his fragile mind to handle. There isn't really anything that keeps him here except the memories. And they aren't even enough anymore.

Jack looked up at Hannah’s bedroom window and sighed.

From the moment we first touched, till the time when you will say good-bye...remember that you will always be that one for me. The one that made my life complete. The one that made my dreams reality. The one that made me see the REAL me. And for all of this, from now till the end of eternity, I will forever love you. So, please remember this... please remember me…Don’t forget me… He thought to himself.

Just then he heard someone softly say his name. He did not even have to turn around for he all ready knew who it was.

Jack sighed deeply , “What are ya doing out here, Hannah?” He kept his back facing toward her the entire time, not even being able to look at her.

Hannah walked over to stand in front of him, “I wanted to say goodbye to you.”

He looked at her incredulously, “Didn’t ya fuckin do that enough times all ready? What ya wanna do? Give me one last blow. Cause if ya haven’t noticed, I’m down for the count all ready, Hannah. Ya can’t knock me down any lower than I all ready am.”

She bowed her head ashamedly, “I’m sorry, Jack. Ya know I am. I love you so much. Don‘t ya know that by now?” She lifted her head, letting him see the tears in her eyes. She wanted him to see how deeply this hurt her, having to say goodbye to him.

Jack bowed his head for it hurt too much to see her cry. He knew that if he looked at her just once, his entire resolve would crumble and he could not do that right now. He had to be strong. He had to let her see that he would be fine without her, regardless if it was the truth or not.

He heard her choked sob and that’s when all of his defenses broke down. He dropped his bags at his feet and wrapped his arms tightly around her, cradling her head to his chest. He could tell by her tears that she would remember it all just as he would.

She fell into his arms as she lost control of her tears. She sobbed in agony. He embraced her, nearly squeezing the life out of her. She looked passed the mask and into his eyes. Each of them knowing they had embraced for the last time. At that moment -- their world ended.

Jack kissed the crown of her head and whispered, “Don’t cry, baby. Shh, please just don’t cry…Don’t make this harder for me to leave ya.”

Hannah looked up at him in bewilderment, “How in the world can you expect me not to cry when I have to stand here, look you dead in the eye and tell you goodbye?”

He shook his head, “It’s not goodbye. I’m not staying away forever. Remember when you said that I’m not getting rid of ya that easy? Well, it goes both ways. We’ll see each other again. I just want you to know that I'm not going to hold you to anything we've said in the past. I want you to live your life and be happy and enjoy everything that goes along with that. What we had was this amazing thing to me. I don't think you ever realized how powerful it was. You changed my life...And I can't go back to loving you the way I did if I know my love wasn't strong enough in the first place.”

She shook her head, “So, what’s this mean? We can’t be friends after you leave?”

Jack looked at her incredulously, “You wanna know what the truth is? “

Hannah nodded her head.

“I still love you and I probably will love you for a very long time. But I can't just be your buddy, because as much as I enjoy the concept of being 'just friends' -- in reality it's a bizarre form of torture and I'm just not willing to participate in it.” He sighed and looked directly into her eyes,” So right now what I wanna do is just move on and get over you and the only way for me to do that is to not be around you anymore. And the reason I came here tonight is because we need to move on.” He let out a sigh of exacerbation, “ Look, we're not kids anymore. And I'm not gonna do this anymore. And I just thought you should know.”

Hannah nodded and smiled through her tears for she understood everything he was trying to convey to her, “I'll still be here, and if it's meant to be, we'll be together. No matter where you are, no matter where your life may take you, and no matter who you're with, you'll always have a piece of my heart. I just want ya to know that.”

Jack smiled and nodded, “I feel the same way.” He cupped her face and rested his forehead against hers, “Ya don’t how much I wanna kiss ya right now.”

Hannah smiled, “Then what’s stopping you?”

Jack sighed and shook his head, “I don’t have the right to anymore.”

His fingers touched her trembling shoulder as he slowly kissed her forehead goodbye. She clenched her teeth together to fight the tears, but as she turned her head away, they came pouring out.

Jack bowed his head and picked up his bags. He intently studied her form under the moonlight, wanting to etch every detail into his memory. As if he could forget. He could be one hundred years old, half senile with amnesia and he would still remember her. She was not someone you just forget so easily.

“Even if we never talk again, please know that I am forever changed because of who you are and what you meant to me. All I ever wanted was to make you happy. I can only do that by stepping aside. I just have one favor to ask of you... remember me” He whispered to her.

You think you’re gonna be different, you think you’re gonna be the one who stays and does something, but he is completely comfortable running. He really doesn’t know any other way.

Hannah nodded and smiled sadly, whispering, “I will, Goodbye, Jack.”

She never thought saying two words would be so hard. She said them a thousand times, but it has never ever been so hard. That night as they stood in their driveway, she didn't want the night to end... She knew those words were coming but she didn't want to hear them. He said them then she said them too. She turned and walked away, tears in her eyes. She will never forget that night she had to say good-bye. She loved him enough to let him go, she just hoped that he loved her enough to come back.

You hug him good-bye like it's nothing... while all you want to do is hold on forever...but you let go, smile and walk away. Then cry all the way home because you know it will never be the same... because try as you might you can't make someone love you. Sometimes you have to let them be free... and letting go, that is when love hurts the most of all.

To let go isn't to forget, not to think about, or ignore. It doesn't leave feelings of anger, jealousy, or regret. Letting go isn't about winning or losing. It's not about pride and it's not about how you appear, and it's not obsessing or dwelling on the past. Letting go isn't blocking memories or thinking sad thoughts, and doesn't leave emptiness, hurt, or sadness. It's not about giving in or giving up. Letting go isn't about loss and it's not about defeat. To let go is to cherish the memories, but to overcome and move on. It is having an open mind confidence in the future. Letting go is learning and experiencing and growing. To let go is to be thankful for the experiences that made you laugh, made you cry, and made you grow. It's about all that you have, all that you had, and all that you will soon gain. Letting go is having the courage to accept change, and the strength to keep moving. Letting go is growing up. It is realizing that the heart can sometimes be the most potent remedy. To let go is to open a door, and to clear a path and set yourself free.

Jack watched her as he walked away and realized right then that he would never get over her.

I won’t be gone forever, Hannah. Give me something to come back to. He thought to himself as he stared at her retreating form.

He’ll get by without her, he’ll pull it off somehow.

Sometimes you won’t let go of love. More times love won’t let go of you

Good-byes make you think. They make you realize what you’ve had, what you’ve lost and what you’ve taken for granted. He’s learned that good-byes will always hurt, pictures can never replace being there, memories forget the hard times, words can never replace feelings, and heroes often go unsung.

You never leave someone behind, you take a part of them with you and leave a part of yourself behind.

The next morning as Jack sat on the airplane, he looked out the window and stared down at the city below, bidding Detroit its last farewell.

He leaned back against the seat and closed his eyes, smiling.

Even though he was sad to be going, there was a large part of himself that was so happy and excited.

After a while, you just can't cry anymore. You just have to believe that what happens is what's supposed to happen, and well, you can't change that, even if you tried. So just dry the tears, and hope that tomorrow will be a better day.

Be happy for this moment, for this moment is your life.

Don't let fear stand in the way of your dreams.

You'll have dreams that come from sorrow, dreams that come from pride, dreams you'll dream tomorrow and forget or set aside. Don't be scared of dreaming or believing what you see. When life starts to turn to hell, its a dream that sets you free.

TBC…What happens when Jack goes to LA?
How is Hannah coping without Jack?

Lament-Chapter 44

Mon, 26 Mar 2007 04:28:24 GMT

Chapter 44: Black and White

"Everybody wants to be somebody; nobody wants to grow."
-Johann von Goethe

Hannah quietly opened the door and walked slowly into Jack’s room. She sneakily walked over to his bed and kneeled down before him, smiling softly. He was lying on his back with his legs and arms sprawled out upon the bed. The sheets were tangled in his legs and he was wearing nothing more than a pair of black flannel boxers.

Jack looked so peaceful lying there, just like a little boy. She did not have the heart to wake him up for he looked so adorable.

She leaned over and gently threaded her fingers through his hair. She trailed her hand softly down his cheek, reveling in the smoothness of his skin and rested it atop of his chest. She could feel the beating of his heart erratically thumping under her palm. She closed her eyes and intently focused on the pulsating beat of his heart that beat lively and wildly in his chest. She closed her eyes and intently focused on the incredible feeling. It was not his looks, his personality, his style or his talent that which she fell deeply in love with.

It was his heart.

She looked down at her ring that was upon her right ring finger and smiled softly. She wears it proudly. The only time she ever takes it off is to get a shower or when she is doing her chores. She does not want to risk losing it or damaging it in any way. It is her most prized possession. Sure, it may be expensive and elegant, but that is not why it is so special to her. It means so much to her for she knows what it represents and what it constitutes. She was never really one for materialistic possessions. Love is not something you can buy, it is something that must be earned and achieved over time.

It is not the ring which she loves, but the person whom had given it to her.

Hannah slowly and cautiously sat down upon the bed as not to rouse him and bent her head down to whisper in his ear, “Jackie…”

She frowned when he groaned in his sleep and turned over onto his side. She rolled her eyes and shook her head amusedly.

He must’ve had a rough night last night. Hannah concluded to herself.

Jack had another out of town gig and did not get home until late in the evening. Hannah waited up for him in his bed until almost two in the morning until she finally succumbed to her own exhaustion. The next thing she remembered is awaking in the wee hours of the morning with him spooning her. His faced was buried in her neck and his arms were wrapped tightly around her abdomen in an protective embrace.

Hannah had to admit it was a great feeling waking and feeling his arms wrapped around her. She had never felt more safe, protected nor loved in her entire life. She still had a hard time grasping the fact that all of this was actually happening to her. It felt like such a surreal dream at times. The most awe consuming thing in this whole entire universe is loving someone and knowing that love is returned wholeheartedly.

The person who doesn't fit in with our notions of who is worthy of our love -- the bag lady at the corner, the strange old man who rides through town on a three-wheel bike all strung up with flags -- is just the person who, by not fitting into our patterns, insists that we expand not only our views but also our capacity to love. Today, see if you can stretch your heart and expand your love so that it touches no only those to whom you can give it easily, but also to those who need it so much.

Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is growing up. In the one word 'love.' It is the divine vitality that everywhere produces and restores life.

There is always something left to love. And if you had not learned that, you have not learned anything. Do you know how many times she has cried for him? There have been far too many for her to keep track of. She has cried for what he's been through and what it has done to him.

Being loved deeply by someone gives your strength, but loving deeply takes courage.

The moment you have in your heart this extraordinary thing called love and feel the depth, the delight, the ecstasy of it, you will discover that for you the world is transformed.

In the absence of love, there is nothing else worth fighting for.

It was made plainly obvious to Hannah that Jack was not going to wake up anytime soon. She got up off of the bed and stood there with her hands upon her hips, staring thoughtfully at him.

A light bulb seemed to go off in her head when she glanced over at the closed blinds, which made the room completely shrouded in darkness. It was the one and only thing she hated about sleeping in Jack’s room. He always insisted on keeping the blinds closed at all times, which baffled her for he had a phobia pertaining to the dark. He was absolutely frightened of it. It was a fear he had since childhood. He always had a slight case of claustrophobia. He loathed being cooped up in tight closed spaces. These two symptoms were undoubtedly caused by his father. If you could even call him that. The bastard would lock him up in a closet to sit in his own piss and shit for days. He would not even let him eat. Sometimes he would be so thirsty that he had to resort to drinking his own urine just so he could survive. The size of the closet would be no bigger than a coffin, leaving him no room to stretch out his arms nor legs. He could not even standup. It was almost like a cupboard more than anything. The only way he could fit was if he sat hunched over with his knees against his chest and his arms tightly wrapped around them in a fetus position.

Could you imagine an innocent child of only fours years old having to endure such brutality and torture?

What made it even all the more worse was that his mother did not give a damn about what his father did to him. She was always so stoned out of her mind to fully comprehend what was going on.

Fuck, she probably would have just laughed at him. Hannah thought to herself in bitter disdain.

Hannah will never forget the overwhelming sadness and pain that was alit within his eyes as he recalled to her these horrific events. The shame in his tone was clearly evident. He could barely look at her when he spoke. It was almost as if he were guilty for something. Why should he be? It is not his fault. He was too young to rightly defend himself. Maybe that was why his father did those things, because he knew he could not fight back. It made him feel God like in a sense. It was the only way he could exemplify his power in a world that shunned and mocked him.

That was the only logical reason Hannah could come up with.

She wanted nothing more than to hunt down every single one of those bastards that had caused him harm and put them through the same humiliation and degradation they had put him through…ten times over.

When do you think is the time to love somebody the most; when they did good and made things easy for everybody? Well then, you are not through learning -- because that is not the time at all. It's when he's at his lowest and can't believe in himself because the world has turn their back upon him. When you start measuring somebody, measure him right. Make sure you have taken into account what hills and valleys he has come through before he got to wherever he is, which in her opinion is a damn good place.

She walked over to the window and slowly pulled up the blinds. The rays of the early morning sun shone brightly through the window, shedding much need light into the room.

Hannah crossed her arms over her chest and nodded her head in satisfaction, It’s high time Jackie has a little sunshine in his life. She chided to herself.

Jack sprung up from the bed and put his arm over his eyes, shielding himself from the sun.

He shook his head and sighed, “Son of a fucking bitch. Hannah, what the hell ya think you’re doing?”

Hannah grinned and shook her head amusedly. It may have been very cruel and vindictive of her to do what she had just done, but she could not resist seeing him react in such a way. She always liked to tease him. There was never any malicious intent involved. She never set out to hurt him in anyway shape or form. She would never do something like that. She never wanted to be yet another person whom had caused him pain and anguish.

So many people underestimate his intelligence. Sure, he may not exactly be book smart, but he is very observant and intuitive. He has a lot of street smarts and has gained his knowledge through firsthand experience. In her opinion that is more valuable than anything you could ever learn in school. He was also the most tender and compassionate person she has met in her entire life.

Evelyn had taught him very well.

Jack is the strongest out of all of the brothers. Sure, he might have been teased a lot, but he gets the job done, whatever it may be.

It was just a little harmless fun. Not every aspect of their relationship was serious. They liked to joke around and have fun, to make each other laugh. Considering all the shit they have been through these last few months, they needed a good laugh every now and then. They really have so much fun together.

In more ways than one. Hannah thought to herself all the while blushing madly.

Besides, she had to get him back somehow for the countless practical jokes he had played upon her. Truly, off all the times he had tricked her, you would think that she would have caught on by now, right? You would think that she just kind of expects it, but she doesn’t. He gets her every single time. Maybe it is because how clever and sly he is. He has this quirky humor that not a lot of people seemed to understand….except she that is. He has a very dry and dark sense of humor, but is also extremely witty. He has a very low key personality, which is the sole reason why he is such a great jokester. One would never expect it coming from him. Around everyone else he is shy, introverted and meek, but with her he is a drastically different man. He is outgoing, talkative, confident, brash, adventurous and so incredibly hilarious. He has her laughing so hard at times she almost pisses herself and has tears coming down her face.

That is yet another one of the many things she loves about him. He has the ability to make her laugh. It is not really in the things he says, but in the way he says them. He is very sardonic and finds humor in the most bleak and mundane things. He has such an odd perception of the world. It is as if he lives on an entirely different plane as everyone else.

If there is one thing Evelyn had taught her it is that laughter is a universal antidote for pain. No matter how solemn of a mood you may be in, with just one good laugh, all the negativity will completely dissipate. Life’s too short to spend dwelling on the bad stuff when you could be utilizing that precious time appreciating all the good things you have in this life. After every rainstorm, there is a rainbow. Hannah had finally entered into the light at the end of tunnel.

If you can’t make light out of the past, it will mercilessly haunt you forever.

For the first time since her parent’s death, she was truly happy and nothing could take that away from her. She has everything she has ever wanted out of life. A good man whom loves her and a mother whom she absolutely adores. She is apart of a family. She has a life that she is not ashamed of. She can actually walk out of the house with her head held up high. She is a Mercer through and through.

What is a home?

A roof to keep out the rain? Four walls to keep out the wind? Floors to keep out the cold? Yes, but home is more than that. It is the laugh of a baby, the song of a mother. The strength of a family, warmth of loving hearts, lights from happy eyes, kindness, loyalty, comradeship. Home is first school and first church for young ones. Where they learn what is right, what is good, and what is kind. Where they go for comfort when they are hurt or sick. Where joy is shared and sorrow eased; where mothers are respected and loved, where children are wanted; where the simplest food is good enough for kings because it is earned. Where money is not as important as loving-kindness; where even the tea kettle sings from happiness. That is what this place is for her.

This is her home.

Hannah clamped her hand over her mouth and giggled softly as her eyes unashamedly roved up and down his form.

His hair was wild and disarrayed, sticking out in every which way direction. It was not that different from his normal hairstyle when she thought about it. His face was covered in morning stubble and his green eyes were glazed over in a sleep addled haze. She loved the way he looked when he first woke up in the morning. Of course, she thought he was gorgeous and sexy twenty four seven, but there was just something so animalistic and intensely raw about him first thing in the morning.

Jack was sitting on the edge of the bed when Hannah walked over to stand in front of him.

She cupped his face in her hands while he rested his hands upon her hips.

“Aw is Jackie mad at me?” She asked him in a jovial manner.

Jack glared at her and shook his head, “You’re fucking crazy ya know that? I don’t understand how the hell ya can get up so early every goddamned day.”

Hannah shrugged and smiled brightly, “Why should I spend all day in bed? I’ll only be wasting time. Time that I can spend doing productive things.”

“Oh, I can think of a few things we can do productively in bed.” He said with a huge grin on his face.

A slight blush tinged her cheeks and she shook her head, rolling her eyes. She opened her mouth to retort, but she suddenly lost all train of thought when Jack bunched the material of her shirt in his tight fists, inching it up to reveal her bare abdomen. He began giving her opened mouth kisses upon her abdomen, flicking his tongue Along the ridged edges of her scar.

Hannah closed her eyes and bit her lip to stifle her groan when she felt his tongue circling her navel. She meshed her fingers in his hair, pulling him closer to her and tugged gently on the strands which caused him to groan softly.

Jack trailed his tongue above the waistband of her skirt. He wrapped his arms tightly around her waist in a tight embrace and rested his head against her stomach to get his ragged breathing under control.

He looked up at her, his green eyes were darkened with intense passion as he whispered, “I want ya so much.”

As Jack looked up at her, it never ceased to amaze him that this girl was his. He is so in love with her. Powerfully, painfully in love. The things she does, the ways she moves, the way she thinks and the way she sees things. Everything about her captivates him. He gets excited just thinking about seeing her. She is so beautiful to him, yet crazy and amazingly sweet. He cannot imagine the rest of his days on this Earth without her and would not want to. It is just too much for his fragile mind to bear. He would not know what he would do if she was not in his life. She makes him feel like he has never felt before in his life.

Like a man…

The thought suddenly occurred to them that the last time they had been intimate with one another was when they were on vacation. That had been over a month ago and they have not made love since. It was not because they did not want to. They did…very much so. It was just very difficult being under the scrutiny and guise of Evelyn. It was as if ever since they came back from vacation, she had been keeping an extra eye on them, making sure they were not doing anything they weren’t supposed to be. It was as if she knew what they had done, like she could almost see it in their eyes. Hell, even Lynn could see a change in them. It was as if they were more increasingly aware of one another. Moreso than usual.

Sure, they still slept in the same bed and did some…things, but they had not actually made love in their home as of yet. It just felt way too weird. They both had far too much respect for Evelyn.

Besides, they hardly ever got to see one another anymore on account of Jack’s band. If he is not on the road, he is too exhausted from rehearsing to do anything but sleep at nights. Sometimes he is so tired he will literally fall into the bed, but Hannah has to wonder if anything else is attributing to his emasculated state. It seemed as if ever since he had came home from The Spares gig in Ohio two weeks ago, he has been acting very strangely. It made her wonder what exactly happened out on the road. Then again, maybe there were some things she was better off not knowing. She felt as if he were hiding something from her for some reason. She was most likely just being paranoid. She was once again expecting the worst rather than just accepting the good.

She wondered if maybe he was using drugs again. She knows that he drinks and smokes marijuana and that’s fine with her. It is his life. He is entitled to live it how he wants to. She is in no position to judge anyone, but she cannot help to ponder if he is as clean as he says he is.

Hannah shook her head, berating herself for thinking such thoughts. How the hell can she say she loves him if all she ever does is doubt him all the time?

She had complete and utter faith in him. He had given her his word that he was clean and she believes him…wholeheartedly. The most important ingredient to a successful relationship is trust. Without it there is no foundation nor structure. To be in love, sometimes you just have to have a little blind faith.

Don't worry about the way others live. Perfect yourself first. The rescuer comes to a drowning man, not a great swimmer. It would be better that some are made blind in order that they would see. Love is the key to overcoming hate. You cannot teach a man to walk who's trusting in a crutch. It's good to have faith, but it's of little use to you unless you believe.

Hannah continued running her hands through his hair and smiled softly, “I wish we could…” She heaved a laborious sigh, “But we can’t, Jackie.”

Jack sighed and shrugged, “Why the hell not? It’s not like we haven’t…” He bowed his head bashfully, “Made love before.”

She smiled warmly as she looked down at him. She thought it was so adorable how shy and reserved he was when it came to sex., but that was yet another fear caused by his past. Regardless of the fact that they were lovers, they still yet had a lot of qualms and reservations when it came to intimacy, but they would be damned if they let their insecurities get in the way of their happiness…not anymore.

“Do ya not want to?” He asked her in a little boy like tone.

Hannah let out an incredulous laugh and shook her head. She fell down upon her knees before him, “Are ya fucking kidding me?” She cupped his face in her hands and lifted his head up to meet her gaze, “When you’re lying next to me that’s all I can think about at times. It’s just ya been so…” She shrugged, “Tired lately cause of the touring and shit. Then there’s the Evelyn issue.”

Jack scoffed and nodded, “Yeah, she’s been like a hound dog.”

“Do ya think she knows?” Hannah beseeched of him.

He arched his eyebrow questioningly as if to say, what do you think?

She nodded and chuckled softly, “Right…as I’ve said before. We just gotta be careful.”

Jack nodded his head, a small smile forming upon his face.

She looked at the clock and her eyes widened, “Come on, ya gotta hurry up and get dressed or we’re gonna be late.”

Jack shook his head in bafflement, “Be late where, Hannah?”

Hannah giggled softly, ”It’s the first day of school, silly.”

He closed his eyes and groaned, “Shit…not all ready. It feels like summer just fuckin began.”

She rolled her eyes and scoffed, “Oh stop, ya whining ya big baby. At least ya had a break. I’m the one who had to go to school while everyone else was out enjoying themselves.”

Jack clasped his hands over his heart and smirked, “I just wanna let ya know that I feel the burden of your pain.”

Hannah shook her head bemusedly and playfully slapped his shoulder, “Yeah, I bet ya do. Ya fuckin smartass.”

“Are ya gonna be okay going to school without seeing Amanda and Josh there?” He asked her in a more serious tone.

A somber look came over her features and she nodded sadly, “Yeah, it’s gonna be weird not seeing them. I’m gonna miss Mandy everyday of my life. She was like a sister to me and Josh was like my brother. “ She smiled, “But at least I still have you and you’re not going anywhere…”

Jack nodded, “Damn right I’m not.”

Jack leaned up and cradled the back of Hannah’s head and crashed his lips upon hers in a passionate and fervent kiss. He wrapped his free arm tightly around her waist and in one fell swoop he lifted her onto his lap as the kiss became even more heated and deep. They practically devoured one another as their tongues dueled wildly. The pent up sexual tension between the two was slowly starting to boil onto the surface like molten hot lava coursing through their veins. She began slowly gyrating on his lap, bringing her groin in direct contact with his. She could feel through the thin material of his boxers his hardened arousal, which was poking painfully against her in a sweet ache that desperately needed to be satiated, but now was not the right time. They had more important matters to attend to first.

Hannah tore her lips away from his and rested her forehead against his. Her breath was harsh and ragged and Jack was heavily panting as well. It sounded almost as if he were gasping for air.

“We gotta go, Jackie. Evelyn’s probably wondering why we’re not at breakfast.” Hannah said as she finally regained her breath.

Jack sighed in defeat and nodded his head, “Yeah, I know. She’s probably gonna come looking for us in any second.”

God forbid if she sees us like this. I’ll never fuckin hear the end of it. He thought to himself.

Hannah slowly slid off of his lap and stood onto her feet, which was not a very good idea for her equilibrium was not in full working order as of yet nor were her legs. Her knees were slightly wobbly, making it difficult for her to stand upright. Jack’s kisses and touches seemed to have that kind of effect on her. Hell, she could be standing next to him and not even touching him to feel that way. They are bound together not just physically, but emotionally as well. Their souls were entwined. They were one in the same. They were each other’s equal. It was as if there was this large void in their lives, almost like something was missing. They felt hollow and empty inside, just a fraction of a being. That was until they met one another and filled those empty spaces.

Love is not what you are expecting to get. It is what you’re expecting to give…which is everything.

Hannah quickly ran her fingers through his hair, “I’ll see ya down at breakfast, handsome.”

Jack smiled and nodded, “Okay, I just need to get a shower.” He looked down at his arousal and sighed.

And take care of something. He thought to himself.

She left him so painfully aroused he could hardly stand up.

It was a strange notion. The thought of him masturbating. He had never really found joy in things such as that like all other boys his age. Maybe that was because he was not like all the other normal boys nor ever will be. Pain was always synonymous with sex in his eyes. Never did he associate it with pleasure. That was until he had met Hannah. She had opened his eyes and made him realize that sex was not as horrible as he once thought it had been. Maybe all that matters is if you love that person. It is not so much the physical connection. It is the emotional and spiritual bond.

She nodded and smiled. She bent down and whispered in his ear, “Don’t think this is over, ya understand me? I totally expect for you to fuck my brains out tonight.”

Jack’s eyes widened at her blunt and brash admission. All he could do was sit there and stare at her dumbly.

Hannah quickly kissed his cheek and nonchalantly walked out of his room without saying another word.

How the hell am I gonna live up to that? He asked himself in bafflement.

Do what your heart tells you to, and never regret anything that happens. Be the kind of person who makes love because you are in it.

Jack felt very relaxed and refreshed after getting a hot shower. He dressed quickly and walked downstairs for breakfast.

When he walked into the dining room, Evelyn, Hannah and Lynn were all sitting at the table talking animatedly. Hannah and Evelyn were both coddling baby Wade whom Lynn was cradling in his arms.

Jack leaned his shoulder against the archway and crossed his arms over his chest. He let out a soft sigh as he stared intently at the scene.

It looks like a fuckin Lifetime movie in here He thought to himself

He felt so out of place living in this house. There was just far too much estrogen. He felt so outnumbered on account that he was the only boy. Sure, you could have counted Wade into the scenario, but he was only four weeks old. How the hell was a baby going to entertain him? You could not have fun with a baby. Well, not the kind of fun that he would have with Bobby and Angel.

It was times such as this which he missed his brothers the most, Bobby especially. It has never been the same since he left. Bobby was like the loving father he has always wanted, but never had. He filled that void in his life that had been within his hollowed heart for so many years. Out of all his brothers, Bobby was the one whom he felt the closest bond and connection to. Maybe it was due to the fact that when Jack first moved into the Mercer household, Bobby was the first one whom he could relate to and felt a kinship towards. No matter how many times he may have pushed him away or kept him at arm’s length, Bobby never relented.

Bobby had taught him so many valuable lessons over the years. He had taught him what it was to be a man and to defend himself against those that try to break him down. If it were not for Bobby, he would have probably never have survived.

It has been over eleven months and he has not heard one word from Bobby whatsoever. Not even a letter or a lousy phone call to tell them he was all right. Hell, even Angel checked in whenever he was not out on the field to talk to talk and reassure them that everything was going all right. Did Bobby not have decency? Did he not know how deeply this would hurt their mother? If he loved and cared about them as much as he said he did, then how could he so easily dismiss them, pretending as if they did not even exist?

But they were not the only ones mourning the loss of Bobby leaving.

Jack looked over at Lynn and Wade and sighed deeply. If anyone should be saddened about Bobby leaving, it is Lynn. She is the one whom was left to take care of a child all by herself. Then again, Bobby did not even know this child existed. Jack knew without any shadow of a doubt that if Bobby discovered he had a son, he would be sitting at this table right here, right now. He would have never left his child, under any circumstances. He was fiercely loyal to a fault. That was one of his more endearing qualities. It was one of the things that Jack loved the most about him. There was nothing he would not do for his family…nothing. He would hunt down, torture and main all those that seek to do them harm. It was the only thing about him that was reliable and you can could count on.

Jack wondered, if ever, when he would see his brother once again. It would have to take one hell of a miracle to bring Bobby back to this shithole.

He shook his head, ridding it of such inane and senseless thoughts. There was no use dwelling on things that are out of your control.

Even though you may want to move forward in your life, you may have one foot on the brakes. In order to be free, we must learn how to let go. Release the hurt. Release the fear. Refuse to entertain your old pain. The energy it takes to hang onto the past is holding you back from a new life. What is it you would let go of today?

When Evelyn noticed Jack, she smiled brightly, “Well, good morning there, Jackie.”

Lynn smiled, “Hey, Jack.”

He curtly nodded, “Morning, Lynn.”

Jack walked further into the living room and walked over to his mother. He bent down and gave her quick peck on the cheek, “Morning, mom.”

He took a seat next to Evelyn, across from Hannah.

Jack met Hannah’s gaze and she smiled softly at him, which he readily returned.

“Are ya hungry?” Evelyn asked him.

He nodded his head, “Yeah, I am actually.”

Evelyn nodded, “Let me go and make you a plate.” She got up out of her chair and walked into the kitchen.

Lynn darted her eyes back and forth between the two and smiled knowingly. “So, back to school all ready, huh?”

Jack rolled his eyes and groaned, “Uh, don’t remind me.”

Hannah nodded and chuckled, “Yeah, it seems like I just got outta that place.” She averted her attention toward Lynn and beseeched of her, “Ya gonna miss it?”

Lynn shrugged and smiled sadly, “In a way…yeah, but mostly…not at all. School was never really my thing.”

Jack snorted aloud, “I hear ya.”

Hannah heaved an exacerbated sigh as she rolled her eyes at Jack, saying in a sardonic tone, “And your cry baby whinny opinion would be?”

Jack stuck his tongue out and made a frown, which caused both girls to laugh hysterically.

Hannah grabbed Wade’s half-empty bottle of formula that was sitting on the table and placed it in front of Jack, “Here, I think you need this more than Wade does. In fact, I think he‘s more mature than you are sometimes.”

Hannah one, Jack zero. She thought to herself as she grinned broadly.

Lynn shook her head amusedly and chuckled aloud.

He arched his eyebrow and smirked, “Oh, so ya got jokes, huh?”

Hannah shrugged, “Eh, I just call it like I see it.”

Jack smirked and shook his head, “Ya think you’re really cute, don’t you?”

Hannah nodded, “Yeah, actually I do.” She tilted her head to the side and frowned when she saw the feigned look of hurt on his face, but the mischievous twinkle in his eyes elucidated to her that he was only joking around.

“Aw, I was only kidding, ya big baby.” She said in a playful tone.

Hannah leaned over the table and cupped Jack’s face in his hands to plant a big wet kiss on his cheek.

He bowed his head bashfully when he began blushing furiously.

Hannah smiled softly when she looked at him. Sometimes he was too adorable for words. All he had to do was look at you with those sad puppy dog eyes and you would willingly be at his mercy. He had this irresistible charm that made it damn near impossible to say no to him, which could inevitably be her downfall. She knows in her mind that she should not let him conquer her so completely, that it will only end up hurting her in the long haul, but try telling that to her heart.

Lynn smiled sadly as she watched Jack and Hannah interact with one another. She would never dare admit it aloud, but she was so jealous and envious of what they shared. Why is that she and Bobby could not have what they have? What the hell is so wrong with her? Why could he not love her the way she so desperately wanted him to?

The worst feeling in the world is loving someone when they don't love you back. Your heart aches every time you think about him, knowing that no matter how deep you looked into their eyes and tried to reach their heart, you never could because there was no heart there to begin with.

Sometimes no matter how long or hard you've loved someone, they'll never love you back. And sometimes you have to be okay with that.

We attach ourselves so strongly to people that when they're gone, a part of us is gone too.

When you love someone and they don't love you back, it's hard to find a way to keep yourself on track. It leaves you broken hearted and hurts so much. That's why they call it a crush.

Sometimes you don't know what you're missing until you reach out and touch it. Sometimes you can't see how beautiful something is until it steps back into the light. And sometimes you miss a love you almost didn't lose.

Lynn looked down at her child and smiled softly. He means the world to her. She never thought she could love someone so much in just a short amount of time. Then again, she did carry him in her stomach for over eight and half months. It was only natural for a mother to form a close knit bond with her unborn child.

Every time she looks at Wade, it is bittersweet. Every single time she looks into his eyes, it is almost like staring into Bobby’s. He is getting to look more and more like him everyday. The resemblance is uncanny. She sees lot of Bobby within him, She sees his beauty, his uncompromising strength and determination and most of all his…stubbornness.

She only hopes that Evelyn does not catch on before she tells her. Shit, she would not be surprised if she all ready knows. Maybe Evelyn is just patiently waiting until when Lynn feels comfortable enough to divulge her secret, which she does not see happening anytime soon. She understands that she will have to tell her eventually. He is her grandchild, after all. She has a right to know, but there are just so many complications that come along with a secret such as this one. She is not emotionally ready to handle something of that extremity as of yet.

Lynn wondered if she ever will be.

Evelyn came walking back into the dining room with Jack’s plate of breakfast, which consisted of scrambled eggs, pancakes and toast.

She placed it in front of him on the table along with a glass of orange juice, “Here, ya go, sweetie.”

Jack smiled gratefully, “Thanks, mom.”

Evelyn sat back down in her seat and took a sip of her coffee, “ Ya got home pretty late from your gig, Jackie. I waited up for ya on the couch until almost twelve. What time did ya get in?”

He shrugged, saying through a mouthful of egg “Uh, bout one, maybe a little later. I don’t really know to be honest with ya.”

Evelyn nodded, “That’s a little late for a school night, dontcha think?” Her tone was gentle, but also very stern as well.

Jack nodded, “I know, I’m sorry. We didn’t go on until bout nine and played a two and half hour set and the venue was in Rousseau, Minnesota.”

Evelyn smiled, “Well, if you’re going to be late, call okay?” She rested her hand upon his shoulder and caressed it in a comforting manner, “Ya know how I worry.”

He sighed, “Yeah, I know. I will.”

Lynn shook her head in bafflement and looked at Jack perplexingly, “So, ya decided to go to your gig last night after all, huh?”

“What do ya mean by that?” Jack asked her accusingly.

She shrugged, “Nothing, it’s just some dude named Manny called, said he was apart of your band and was looking for ya. They said ya didn’t show up for sound check.”

All of the sudden, he started to become very flustered in a manner of milliseconds. He bowed his head and gazed at Hannah from under his lashes, whom was staring at him confusingly. He could almost see the wheels spinning in motion inside of her head.

Jack glanced momentarily over at Lynn and thought to himself sardonically, Thanks

He knew without any fraction of a doubt that she knew he was being dishonest. There was nothing he could get by her. She could read him like a book, but he could not tell her for fear of what she would think about him if she were to find out. He would not be able to take that kind of rejection. He feels so guilty lying to her, but he has no choice in the matter. He does not want to hurt her. He has been lying his entire life that it just sort of comes naturally to him. He does it without thought.

It is so much easier to live a lie than to live up to the truth…

Hannah was very shocked by Lynn’s words. It started to make her very suspicious. Could it be that Jack had not shown up for his gig? She found that hard to believe for she knew how much the band meant to him. He would never just not show up for a sound check like that. He was a very responsible man. But if Jack had not gone to his gig;

Where did he go?

He shrugged and sighed, “I took a wrong turn and got lost. Manny’s always overreacting like that.”

Evelyn and Lynn both seemed to accept that as a sufficient enough explanation for not another word was said about it, but Hannah did not believe it for one bit. In fact, she was almost positive that he was lying. She could tell by how oddly he was behaving. He was acting jittery and nervous.

What was there for him to feel nervous about if he had nothing to hide?

Hannah decided to just let the matter go for now in order to avoid confrontation, but she would not forget it. If Jack was keeping a secret from her, she would find out.

At any costs…

Jack dropped his fork onto his plate and sighed. He looked over at Hannah, “Ya ready?”

Hannah sighed and nodded, “Yeah…I guess so.”

They both got up out of their chairs and walked over to Evelyn, giving her a hug and a kiss goodbye.

“Ya sure ya don’t want a ride?” Evelyn asked them kindly.

Jack turned to Hannah, “Ya wanna?”

She shook her head, “Nah, it’s a beautiful morning. I’d like to walk, if that’s okay with you.”

He nodded, “Yeah…sure. I’d rather walk too.”

Evelyn got up out of her chair, “I’ll walk you out.”

Hannah and Jack both said goodbye to Lynn and Wade as they made their way out the door with Evelyn following behind them.

Evelyn stood there on the step and smiled sadly as she watched them walking hand in hand down the street.

It looked as if her babies were growing up. It was only a matter of time before they left her as well.

There was that law of life, so cruel and so just, that one must grow or else pay more for remaining the same.

GO ONTO NEXT PART:

CH44 CONT

Mon, 26 Mar 2007 04:27:06 GMT

Hannah and Jack stood in front of their high school and both looked wearily at one another. Dozens of students were crowded outside, getting reacquainted with one another and were most likely discussing what they had done over the course of their summer vacation.

Jack could feel Hannah’s hand slightly trembling in his and her palm was sweaty, which was undoubtedly caused by her nervousness.

He squeezed her hand tightly in a reassuring squeeze, “Ya all right?”

Hannah nodded, “Yeah…just feels different, ya know?”

Jack nodded his head and sighed, “Yeah…”

He wished that he could have had comforting words for her, but in all truth, there were none. When someone is grieving the loss of a loved one, there is nothing you can do or say to make them feel any better. It is just something they have to work through on their own. Maybe by him just being here is enough for her.

Mourning is not forgetting... It is an undoing. Every minute tie has to be untied and something permanent and valuable recovered and assimilated from the dust. The end is gain, of course. Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be made strong, in fact. But the process is like all other human births, painful and long and dangerous.

Grief is depression in proportion to circumstance; depression is grief out of proportion to circumstance. It is tumbleweed distress that thrives on thin air, growing despite its detachment from the nourishing earth. It can be described only in metaphor and allegory…Grief is a humble angel who leaves you with strong, clear thoughts and a sense of your own depth. Depression is a demon who leaves you appalled.

Hannah bowed her head and sighed deeply.

As soon as she stepped foot on these grounds, realization dawned upon her. It was so hard for her to fathom that when she walked inside of this school, Amanda would not be standing at her locker waiting for her, greeting her with a bright smile. Never would she ever see her face again. Never would she get to sit at lunch with her and laugh at one of Josh’s corny jokes. It felt so surreal that Amanda was no longer upon this Earth. It was so difficult to comprehend that something of this magnitude could happen. If God is so good and righteous, why would he deem it fit to take such a young and beautiful girl off of this Earth in such a tragic way? A girl that had the rest of her life ahead of her. Maybe it was because of the fact that she was such an incredible person and he wanted her with him. That is the only logical explanation she could think of. It is the only thing that helps her sleep at night.

When Hannah is lying awake at night, she wonders if Amanda is with her parents.

She likes to think all three of them are looking down upon her, shielding her from harm, almost like guardian angels in a sense. That gives her solace and peace unlike anything she has ever known before.

They say one never values something is unjustly taken away from them, but not in Hannah’s case. She appreciated every little aspect of their relationship for a girl such as herself had never had a friendship like theirs before. In all actuality, Amanda was the first female friend she ever had. She never trusted anyone to let herself get close to anyone. She always kept people at arm’s length in order to protect her heart from further damage. Somehow and someway, Amanda managed to break down all of those barricades she had spent strenuous and grueling time building over the years.

It seemed so illogical, so unexplainable. She does not know why she is gone, maybe she is not meant to. Maybe it will be something she will forever ponder, until it is time for her to join her.

If I’m luckily enough to end up there considering all the shady shit I’ve done. I think I’ve been damned since birth. She thought bitterly to herself.

Jack looked at his watch and sighed, rolling his eyes, “Well, the bell’s gonna ring in about fifteen minutes. Ya want me to walk ya to your locker?”

Hannah nodded her head and smiled, “Yeah, I’d like that.”

Jack curtly nodded.

They both took deep steadying breaths and tightly held onto each other’s hand as if it were their lifeline. Maybe in their eyes it was.

As they were walking up the pathway to the school, Hannah abruptly stopped and turned to him.

“What? What’s the matter, baby?” He asked her.

Hannah shook her head and shrugged, “Ya know, you’re all I got in this place.”

She regretted her words as soon as she said them. She hated how needy and clingy she sounded. The last thing she wanted was for him to think that she depended upon him, like she was some fragile and broken little girl that needed to be mended back together.

A small smile formed upon his face and he nodded his head, “Ya too…” He shrugged sheepishly, “I mean, you’re all I have here too.” He scoffed, “Shit, you’re the only fuckin reason why I come to this dump.”

Hannah smiled genuinely for the first time since she walked onto these grounds. He did it again. Why did she worry so much about what he thought of her? He knew her better than she knew herself. How could she think that he would be anything less than understanding?

Not another word was said as they turned back around and continued walking.

As they made their way into school, Hannah could feel the lugubrious cloud hovering upon them both. It was almost as if a storm cloud incessantly followed them wherever they went, pouring rain down onto them. Sure, there were occasional breakthrough rays of sunshine, but it was momentary at best.

We're all worried, we're all in pain. That just comes with having eyes and having ears. But she just has to remember one thing - it can't get any worse, it can only get better. High school is the bottom, being a teenager sucks, but that's the point, surviving it is the whole point. Quitting is not going to make her stronger, living will. So she must hang on and hang in there.

It can get any worse than this…right?

As they made their way down the hall, she could feel their eyes boring holes into her. She could hear their hushed whispers. They were speaking so low she could hardly make out what they were saying, but if she honed in, she could hear them saying what discerned to be like, “that’s Mandy’s friend” or “she was in the car when it happened”.

Hannah did not think she was strong enough to go through with this. It would be like going back to square one again. She had to start completely from scratch. Of course, she had Jack, but surprisingly, that did nothing to ease her anguish.

Even though she and Jack were in the same grade, they both had not one class together the entire semester. To make matters worse they did not even share the same lunch period. Can this situation get even more worse? What the hell was she supposed to do? Inside these walls, she was an outcast and they never let one opportunity pass to remind her of that fact.

It was never going to be the same ever again. That she was sure of.

Jack glanced over at her momentarily and sighed. He squeezed her hand tightly to let her know that he was here and was not leaving her side. He looked at all of the throngs of students and met their gazes directly. He glared at them, daring and challenging anyone of them to say something either to him or Hannah. He had not had a fight in almost six months. He was in the mood to plummet someone into the ground. He had a lot of pent up frustration he needed to vent out, but he knew that Hannah was the only one whom could help him with that dilemma.

He shook his head, thinking to himself, My girl’s in trouble and all I can fuckin think about is sex. My priorties are really messed up.

When they reached Hannah’s locker, Jack leaned casually against the one next to hers and intently watched her.

After putting her book bag into her locker, Hannah closed the door and sighed, “What, Jack? Why are ya looking at me like that?”

Jack shrugged, “No reason, ya just got really quiet all of the sudden. Ya sure you’re all right?”

She nodded, “Yes…I’m sure. I’m a little sad, but I’ll get over it…I really will. So, just please stop worrying about me okay?”

He leaned over and whispered in her ear, “I love ya, Hannah. I’ll always worry. You’re my wife, that’s my job.”

Hannah smiled softly, as a slight blush tinged her cheeks. She will never get used to hearing him say those words to her. She really liked the fact that of how much more confident he has become in himself over the last six months.

They both have really grown so much since they have met one another. They are not the same people they once were before each other that was for damn sure.

Maturity knows no age. It is a concept that can only become a reality when one completely relinquishes their childhood tendencies and fully embraces the ideals valued by those already matured.

Hannah cupped his cheek, not giving a good goddamn whom was watching and judging by the smoldering look in his eyes, neither did he.

She leaned up on her tiptoes and kissed his cheek, whispering in his ear, “I love ya too, Jackie.”

Hannah could hear girls standing behind her snickering, but she pretended as if they did not even exist. She was used to girls acting in such a way whenever they saw her with Jack. It stemmed from one thing and one thing only…jealousy.

You know what they say, jealousy is secret worship. Deep down they envy her for what she has.

Jealousy is indeed a poor medium to secure love, but it is a secure medium to destroy one's self-respect. For jealous people, like dope-fiends, stoop to the lowest level and in the end inspire only disgust and loathing. It is no more than feeling alone against smiling enemies.

Hannah could care less about what they think of her. All that matters is what she thinks of herself. She will be damned if she lets anyone bring her down to their level. Those times of being weak and vulnerable are over. She is not going to let others dissuade her from what she wants the most out of life. It is simply to…live.

Jack noticed a group of girls all giving Hannah looks of disgust and whispering shit on her. They all became nervous and flustered when he glared at them and arched his eyebrow questioningly as if it ask them what the hell their problems were.

All the girls in the group quickly put their heads down and turned their backs upon them.

He sighed and shook his head.

If they had something to say to her, they should have had enough decency to say it to her face, but he knew that would never happen. They did not have enough guts. When they were with their posses they acted all tough and confident, but catch them alone and they’re nothing but scared little bunny rabbits.

Jack knew that the sole reason why these girls had a problem with her was because of him. They were jealous of her intimate relationship with him.

It was obvious they had crushes on him. He was not conceited in anyway, but it was the God’s honest truth. He could see the way they lecherously stared at him and how they always tried coming up to talk to him, batting their eyelashes and sticking their boobs in his face. It was not as if they were being subtle. They made it plainly obvious the way they felt about him, but he had no interest in those girls whatsoever. Do not get him wrong, some of them were very attractive, but none of that matter. Besides, the only reason why they wanted him was because he was what they considered to be an “unattainable bad boy” and a “rebel without a cause.” They were not interested in having a relationship with him. All they were looking for was to have some fun.

That was what made him fall in love with Hannah. She was different from all the other women. She saw past all the superficial and ersatz bullshit and looked straight into his soul. She wanted not just his body, but his heart and mind as well. She wanted the entire package. She knew all of his deepest darkest secrets, all of his faults and did not judge, pity nor condemn him for them. She was everything he has ever wanted in a girl. She was intelligent, spunky, clever, witty, adventurous and not to mention unbelievably gorgeous. She had more substance, class and grace in her one pinky than they had in their entire bodies, regardless of her circumstances. Things such as that you are born with, it’s in your blood. None of those trivial and petty girls could hold a candle to Hannah‘s beauty. They were incomparable to all that she was to him. He wanted no other girl but she. He wanted to be with this girl standing before him for the rest of his life.

It is as simple as that.

Just then, the shrilling sound of the warning bell rang throughout the halls, signaling that all of the students must return to their homerooms.

Jack groaned and rolled his eyes, saying sarcastically, “Great.”

She nodded and chuckled softly.

“So, I’ll see ya after school?” Hannah asked him.

He nodded, “I’ll be here.”

She nodded her head and smiled for there was not a doubt in her mind that he would be true to his word.

She smiled, “Well, good luck and have fun…”

Jack rolled his eyes, “Oh yeah….tons.”

Hannah chuckled softly and leaned upon her tiptoes once again to give him a quick peck on the cheeks, but Jack slyly moved his head so that his lips came into full contact with hers. He cupped her face in his hands and gave her a proper kiss, wanting to show everyone what the deal was.

She was smiling as he kissed her. She has not a clue what in the hell has gotten into him, but she is not complaining. Never once had she seen him be so forward. She rather liked it in a way. She always found confidence to be very sexy, but when it pertained to Jack, everything he did was sexy.

“I gotta go, I don’t wanna be late.” Hannah said as she pulled away from him.

Jack grinned, “Goody two shoes.”

She rolled her eyes and stuck her middle finger up at him.

He smiled and held his hands up in mock defense, “Okay, I take it back. You’re a regular bad ass.” He pointed his index finger at her and said in a stern tone, “Now go on and get to class you.”

Hannah nodded and chuckled, “Yes, sir.” She gave him a quick peck on the cheek, “I’ll see ya later, love ya.”

Jack nodded, “Ya too.”

She was walking away when Jack gently grasped her wrist in order to get her attention. She turned around, facing him as she looked at him perplexingly.

Jack leaned over and whispered in her ear, “Just so ya know, I tend to totally fuck your brains out tonight as you so eloquently put it.”

Hannah’s eyes widened and she let out an audible gasp.

Jack winked, “Just a little something to look forward to.”

Now it was her turn to stare at him dumbly. Her eyes were as wide as saucers, looking almost like a deer caught in headlights.

Jack shook his head bemusedly and chuckled as Hannah walked away from him. That had to be the first time he had ever rendered her speechless before. He had to admit, he felt quite proud of himself for achieving success in such an amazing feat.

He lounged against the locker and watched as she walked down the hallway .

He smiled.

Maybe they were going to be all right, after all. They have all ready hurdled over so many insurmountable obstacles. There is nothing else life can throw their way that they cannot get through.

“Hey Hannah!” Jack shouted out to her.

Hannah turned around, a questioning look was within her eyes, “Yeah?”

He smirked and shrugged, “Nothing.”

Hannah rolled her eyes and shook her amusedly as she continued down the hallway.

Jack waited until she turned the corridor and disappeared from his view before he walked away from her locker and headed to his own homeroom.

It was lunch time and while everyone else was in the cafeteria, Jack opted to sit outside and have a smoke on the bleachers. It was not as if anyone would notice he was gone anyway. The only person whom ever gave a damn about him in this godforsaken shithole is Hannah. If it were not for her being here, he would have quit a long time ago. School is just not really his thing. He does not understand why he is forced to learn all of this boring and monotonous bullshit. It was not as if he were going to use any of it in the real world. Really how many times do you utilize chemical equations in everyday life? Maybe if he wanted to be a chemist or some rocket scientist, but in any other normal capacity? Try…never. It is just useless knowledge that is shoved incessantly down their throats in order to form them into, “cultured and well thought out human beings.

He rolled his eyes and scoffed at his thoughts.

Jack looked out onto the field at his peers playing soccer. He could see the gym teacher coaching the game from the sidelines.

He shook his head and sneered in disgust.

I doubt any of these fuckers even know the meaning of the word cultured, He thought to himself.

You may think that he is being cruel and harsh…bitter even, but so would you if you were in his shoes.

He was always taught by Evelyn to treat others the way you would want to be treated and to show others the same respect they give you.

How can he have any respect for any of these people if they did not have any for him?

Jack has always loathed school with a passion. It was not something he looked forward to every year. To him it was almost like a prison sentence in way. No, he must correct himself. It is more like a death sentence.

When he is gone, they will all have this to ponder and maybe realize why he was the way he was. A little push in front of other kids is a very big deal, particularly when he knows it's gonna happen to him every single day, every single day, every single day, he is almost relieved when it actually happens.

Jack is always waiting, waiting for the next attack. They don't just hurt kids, they make you hurt yourself. He can’t take one more year of this, and the more they call him a queer or a weirdo, the more they are scaring themselves.

They don’t know what he is capable of, they don’t know what he can do, and then there's the sanctuary of home sweet home. Why does he even bother to redeem himself? Doesn't he know it’s already too late? Sometimes he sees the way things could've been, he just wished he could be the person Hannah thinks he is. Kids can be the most ruthless people in the world. They can just be supernaturally cruel. You've got to be a man! Be a man! BE A MAN! Sometimes you just wanna cry. Sometimes hate is the only real thing in the world. You can stop loving someone, but hate seems to go on forever. People respect hate. It speaks, it vibrates. Some people don't even need a gun to hurt you. They use words or laughter. They enjoy watching you bleed to death. They get off watching you fighting back the tears, getting a lump in your throat, blushing, wanting to cry, and they give you a name: Trashcan, bastard, faggot, loser, weirdo, spaz, retard. You know the name does something to you. It changes who you are, it alters your molecules and one day you wake up and you look in the mirror and you don't recognize yourself anymore, because you believe them.

They win you lose.

You wanna cry, please leave me alone, but nobody listens, because nobody cares, because you don't have a name anymore because they took it away, and then one day they say that name and you hear something go snap. You realize what you gotta do, you gotta take back your name and you've gotta do it in front of the whole school because that's where they took your name away from you. You gotta do it so every kid will remember. Maybe that's why he was put on this earth. To make a difference and prove them all wrong.

Every damn one of them.

When the pressures of modern society become too great for a person, when one's chemical dynamic becomes such that they are unbalanced, that they cease painting within the lines, they come to us. These are the people that society would prefer just go away -- the shadow people. The shadow people that project upon us their shadow and remind us just how tenuous mental health is. Our worst fears. They remind us how easy it can be to slip.

Jack bowed his head and ran his hands through his disheveled hair.

How is it that he can be happy and so fucking sad all at the same time? Maybe all those doctors were right. He is fucking insane.

Sometimes he does not know who he is anymore.

We are so accustomed to disguise ourselves to others that in the end we become disguised to our own selves.

The possibility of physical and mental collapse is now very real. No sympathy for the Devil, keep that in mind. Buy the ticket, take the ride.

No one adult human being is happy! People are born, they have a limited amount of time going around thinking life is dandy but then, inevitably, tragedy strikes and they realize life equals loss! The whole point of the game is to minimize the pain caused by that equation! Now some people do it by having kids, or making money, or taking up coin collecting, and others, such as himself, do it by getting wasted.

Respect the delicate ecology of your delusions.

We have reached a verdict, your honor. This man's heart is deficient. He loves, but his love is worth nothing.

Jack got up from the bleachers and threw his cigarette butt haphazardly off to the side, not even caring if it was still lit or not. He could care less if this place burnt down to the ground. As long as Hannah was nowhere in the vicinity of danger, he could care less what happened to any of them.

It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for something you are not.

Thankfully, he only had one more period to go. He had did it. He actually made it through the first day of his Junior Year fully intact. Well, at least somewhat anyway. He did not think that he could handle being in this place any longer. Eight and half hours is just too long. He could think of more productive ways to utilize his time, such as his music, but even that was not looking to be panning out so well for him. Of course, the only person he has to blame for that is himself.

Jack entered the school and walked down the lone deserted hallway in a steadfast pace. The bell was about to ring any moment and he wanted to make sure he got to his class before all of the other students bombarded the hallway.

He really was not in the mood to fight with anyone today, nor any day for that matter. Shockingly, he has made it halfway through the day without so much as one argument. Take it from him, that was an insurmountable task, but he did not want to jump the gun, so to speak. The day was not over yet. He still had one more class to go.

Jack was walking up the steps to the third floor of the building when he heard someone call his name.

He turned around and heaved an exacerbated sigh when he saw whom it was.

Great just who I wanted to see, He thought to himself sardonically.

It was none other than Counselor Justin Jenkins. He was the last person he wanted to deal with right now. All he wanted to do was get to his class without any interferences and complications. Is that too much to ask?

In this place…yeah…it was.

The first day Jack came to this school, Counselor Jenkins had all ready been on his ass, incessantly nagging him and trying to get him to talk about his feelings. You know, all that talk show bullshit. He knew without a doubt that Counselor Jenkins knew of his unfortunate situations. There was not doubt in his mind that he had read his file. He knew all right.

Hell, everyone knew.

In this community, nothing was kept a secret for too long. It took only one person to find out and then the news spread like wildfire, especially when it pertained to Evelyn. She was somewhat of a celebrity around these parts due to her charity works and various contributions to the community. She is respected and admired for her overwhelming support and aide concerning funding and budgets for the Detroit Public School District. She has been a longstanding chairwoman on the community’s advisory board way before Counselor Jenkins was even born.

There was not a person in this community whom did not know Evelyn. Everyone loved her, the children most especially. Whenever she came around, their eyes would light up and they would beam with unabashed happiness. She just had that kind of effect upon people. Her selflessness and kindness was unlike any other that came before her. She had a smile that could completely dissipate all of your sadness. He felt so honored and lucky to even be in her presence. She made him feel safe, loved and…protected. It was three things he thought a boy such as himself would never have. They were such a foreign concept to him, but somehow and someway she miraculously broke down his defenses and he let her in. He will forever be indebted to that woman. She would do anything on this Earth to make sure he is safe from harm…at all times.

Fuck, I wouldn’t be surprised if she got Jenkins to keep and eye on me. He thought to himself.

That would be something Evelyn would do.

Jack casually leaned his shoulder against the wall and impatiently waited for Justin to walk up the steps.

When Justin reached the top of the steps where Jack was standing, he extended his hand outward, “Good to see ya, Jack.”

Jack slowly and cautiously put his hand within his and quickly shook it. He curtly nodded his head, “Ya too.”

“How was your summer vacation?” Justin asked him.

He shrugged nonchalantly, “Eh, it was all right. Had a lot going on.” He tried to sound aloof and complacent, but was failing miserably in his vain attempts to do so. He was becoming flustered and he quickly bowed his head when he felt the heat rising to his cheeks.

How can he not become a little frazzled considering what an eventful summer it has been? So many things of monumental importance had happened over the course of these last four months. So many lives were inexplicably changed forever, himself included. It was as if he had go through a metamorphisis of some kind. He had finally adapted to the transition from his old life to his new one, which included Hannah. It seemed that every aspect of his new life had to do with Hannah. Maybe it was because she was his life. She inspired him to be a better man, to be worthy of her love and devotion.

Justin nodded and sighed, “Yeah…I bet. When I heard the devastating news, I was heartbroken. Amanda was such a bright kid. She was so sweet. She had her whole life ahead of her.” He sighed and shook his head, “Sometimes I just don’t understand…”

“About what? Death?” Jack softly beseeched of him.

I could teach ya a few fucking things bout death. He thought bitterly.

All they'll have left to tell you is the unholy truth: that kids just die. And babies die too. It just happens. So you live with it.

Justin stared intently at Jack, carefully studying him. There was something different about him. He could tell the minute he looked at him. It was in the way he carried himself. Gone was that slouch of insecurity. He now stood tall, with his head held high, unashamed. His eyes no longer held that vacant and lifeless stare. They were shining brilliantly with mirth and…happiness. It seemed as if he had this permanent grin upon his face. It was so out of character for him to behave in such a way. He had to admit, it was a far cry from the scared, meek, mild, lonely and introverted boy he had known a little over a year ago.

What had caused him to suddenly make such a drastic change?

His eyes widened in realization and he smiled knowingly.

In his extensive firsthand experience, Justin knew there was only one thing that could cause a man to act so strangely…a girl. He was in love. It was clearly written on his face. He knew exactly whom it was…Hannah. That was the only logical explanation he could come up with. Judging by the way Hannah looked, the feeling was very much mutual.

He was talking to another student when he saw the two of them standing by Hannah’s locker earlier this morning. It did not take a genius to figure it out, especially when they kissed one another and it was not a brotherly and sisterly type kiss either. It was a loving, gentle and passionate kiss. He felt like a voyeur watching them. It was almost like he was intruding upon a private moment, but they were kissing in the middle of a very busy hallway congested with dozens of students. It was not his fault that he was looking. It was as if he were drawn to them. Whenever they looked at one another, it was as if only the two of them existed and nothing else mattered. He looked at her as if she was his salvation. His eyes bore into her, like he was afraid to turn away for fear that she would disappear and she looked at him the same exact way. They had to the most loving couple he had ever seen in his entire life.

Justin was so happy for the two of them. If anyone deserved that kind of happiness it was Hannah and Jack. The poor things have endured so much pain, suffering and anguish. They both have witnessed and experienced so many unimaginable horrors and monstrosities it made him disgusted even thinking about it. They have been to hell and back and lived to tell about it. Their strength is something to be envied.

Shit, they’re far stronger than I’ll ever be. He thought to himself.

In many ways, it was almost as if they were older than him….mentally that is.

Regardless of that fact, he could not help but still feel concerned about them. He had to wonder if what they were feeling was truly love or merely just a way to attach themselves to someone. It was almost as if they were clinging to each other, which was not healthy for either person involved. They needed some alone time in order to find their own identities. They had to make friends and establish a place for themselves in this world. How can they do that when they were solely focused upon one another?

Their union can only do more harm than good.

It could most likely be stemming from their Complex post-traumatic stress disorders. It is as if they are looking to one another for salvation, to be rescued. They have so many complex issues. He feels that by them being in a relationship, it can only lessen their chances of fully recovering. That is why in rehablition centers, romantic relationships are strictly forbidden.

In order to achieve a successful treatment, they have to dedicate their entire time to finding themselves and who they are as human beings. Two wrongs do not make a right. Two broken engines don’t start a car. It is just too disastrous and lethal. It is a ticking time bomb waiting to happen. He had seen it enough times to know.

All Justin can do is hope and pray that maybe their situation will turn out differently and their relationship will end up being the best thing that has ever happened to them.

Hope is a state of mind, not of the world. Hope, in this deep and powerful sense, is not the same as joy that things are going well, or willingness to invest in enterprises that are obviously heading for success, but rather an ability to work for something because it is good.

If Hannah and Jack love each other enough, which he has not a doubt in his mind that they do. They will be able to overcome their pasts and build a promising future…together.

One can only hope, for in the absence of everything else. It is the only thing you can do.

“So, how have you been?” Justin asked him.

Jack shrugged his shoulders, “Good…real good.”

Justin smiled, “I can see that…I spoke to Hannah earlier and she said the same thing. It’s nice to see ya two happy. If anyone deserves to be happy, it’s the two of you.”

Jack nodded and looked at Justin suspiciously, “What exactly were ya talking to her bout?” He asked him demandingly. His protective instincts were taking over once again, but he was not comfortable with the fact that Justin and Hannah were disussing his business.

Do not get him wrong, he trusted Hannah wholeheartedly. It was Justin whom he did not trust. He was nothing but a thorn in his side. Sure, he may be nice and friendly, but he was no different than all the other Counselors whom have tried to “help” him with his so-called issues.

Jack’s sick of being ashamed. He doesn't mind being dejected and rejected, but he’s not going to be ashamed about it. At least pain is real. You look around and you see nothing is real, but at least the pain is real.

Nothing's lost forever. In this world, there's a kind of painful progress. Longing for what they’ve left behind, and dreaming ahead. At least he thinks that's so.

People think it's all about misery and desperation and death and all that shit which is not to be ignored, but what they forget is the pleasure of it. Otherwise they wouldn't do it. After all, they’re not fucking stupid.

The problem is not that there are problems. The problem is expecting otherwise and thinking that having problems is a problem.

The madness of depression is the antithesis of violence. It is a storm indeed, but a storm of murk. Soon evident are the slowed-down responses, near paralysis, psychic energy throttled back close to zero. Ultimately, the body is affected and feels sapped, drained.

In depression...faith in deliverance, in ultimate restoration, is absent. The pain is unrelenting, and what makes the condition intolerable is the foreknowledge that no remedy will come, not in a day, an hour, a month, or a minute. It is hopelessness even more than pain that crushes the soul.

Mysteriously and in ways that are totally remote from natural experience, the gray drizzle of horror induced by depression takes on the quality of physical pain.

It seems, however, he really is the luckiest guy in the world and not because of the reason you think either. Several years of addiction right in the middle of an epidemic, surrounded by the living dead. But not him. He’s negative. That’s the only way he knows how to be. When you lived the kind of life he has. It’s kind of difficult to be optimistic and look at the bright and shiny side of life. It's official. And once the pain goes away, that's when the real battle starts. Depression, boredom... You feel so low, you want to fucking top yourself.

All of the countless head doctors he’s been to over the years say he is disturbed. Well, of course he’s disturbed. Isn‘t everyone? And if they’re not, they should be. Doesn't this blend of blindness and blandness want to make you do something crazy? Then why not do something crazy? It makes a hell of a lot more sense than blowing your fucking brains out.

Depression is anger without enthusiasm.

Justin sighed and shrugged, “We didn’t talk about nothing special. Why? Should there be something I need to know?”

Jack rolled his eyes and heaved an exacerbated sigh, “Nice try, but I don’t think so.”

Justin chuckled softly, “Well, ya can’t blame a guy for trying, huh? It’s really nice to see ya smiling though, pal. I was worried bout ya for a while there. So was your mother.”

Jack sighed, “Well, there’s no reason to be.”

Justin nodded, “You know what they say, "when life gives you lemons..."

Jack shook his head in bafflement, “What did you just say?”

Justin smiled and repeated, “When Life give you lemons... make lemonade."

Jack rolled his eyes and scoffed, “That is the biggest load of shit I've ever heard. What? "Time heals all wounds." "Everything happens for a reason." and "I guess they're all in a better place now," too? So, why do they still have you here? Are you cracking up or something? “

“That’s a very cruel and harsh perspective on life, Jack.” Justin said calmly.

Jack nodded and smiled, “Well, I can't help it. I'm fascinated by nuttiness and its causes. I had a few nightmares, which really excited them. They even have a clinical term for it, "Repressed Memory Anxiety," which I think sounds a tad bit overdramatic. They used to spend every morning trying to tap my subconscious fears. Fears so scary I don't even know I have them. It's a complete waste. “ He sighed and shook his head, “Look, I gotta go. I don’t wanna be late and hear their shit.”

Jack shook his head and chuckled, “Don't look at me like that. You're no different than I am... you just don't know it yet.”

Jack said not another word, he turned around on his wheel and walked away from Justin without even saying goodbye.

Justin stood there with his arms crossed, never once taking his gaze off of Jack’s form.

He shook his head sadly and sighed.

The problem with teenagers today is they don't know nothing. The problem with being a teenager is they think they know better than those who have been down that road they're traveling
.

You hear about some kid who did something stupid, something desperate; what possessed him? How could he do such a terrible thing? Well, it's really quite simple, actually. Consider the life of a teenager - you have parents, teachers telling you what to do, you have movies, magazines and TV telling you what to do, but you know what you have to do. Your job, your purpose is to get accepted, get a cute girlfriend, think up something great to do with the rest of your life. What if you're confused and can't imagine a career? What if you're funny looking and can't get a girlfriend? You see, no-one wants to hear it. But the terrible secret is that being young is sometimes less fun than being dead.

See, it’s different for him for when you're an adult, you have to kind of know who you are.

Justin sighed and shook his head as he made his way down the hallway toward his office.

Maybe Jack was right, he was a fraud.

The diversity of mankind is a basic postulate of our knowledge of human beings. But if mankind is diverse and individuated, then how can anyone propose equality as an ideal? Every year, scholars hold Conferences on Equality and call for greater equality, and no one challenges the basic tenet. But what justification can equality find in the nature of man? If each individual is unique, how else can he be made 'equal' to others than by destroying most of what is human in him and reducing human society to the mindless uniformity of the ant heap?

Sometimes you just don't want to be what your race is supposed to be.

GO ONTO NEXT PART:

CH 44 CONT

Mon, 26 Mar 2007 04:25:18 GMT

Hannah was so relieved that she had made it through her first day of school.

A wide smile upturned upon her face when she saw Jack leaning casually against her locker.

As soon as he saw her, he smiled and stood away from her locker, stuffing his hands deeply into his pockets. He kept his gaze intently focused upon her as she walked through the throngs of students.

“Aren’t ya a sight for sore eyes.” Jack said as Hannah walked up to him.

Hannah ducked her head bashfully and rolled her eyes. She playfully slapped his shoulder, “Shut up, you dork.”

Jack grinned and shrugged, “Takes one to know one.”

She shook her head amusedly and chuckled softly. He cupped her face in his hands and gave her a chaste kiss. He wanted nothing more than to deepen the kiss, but the last thing he wanted was to give everyone a show.

Jack was about to pull away from her when he noticed a group of girls looking at them out of the corner of his eye. It just so happened to be the same group of girls whom he had seen earlier. The girls were all pointing and staring and sneering in disgust. They were not even making any attempts to be subtle. At first, he was not going to anything them any attention, but then his ears perked up when he heard them saying Hannah’s name.

He honed into their conversation and intently listened to what they were saying. His jaw locked in anger and he gritted his teeth when he heard one of them say, “I don’t even know what he sees in her, she’s not even that pretty. Look at her hair and those freckles.” All of the girls snickered and giggled loudly at the girl’s comment.

Jack wanted nothing more than to walk over there and beat the living shit out of everyone of them, but luckily for them he had a deeply profound respect for women. If you could even call them that.

They were talking so loudly that he wondered if Hannah had heard them.

Judging by the crestfallen look on her face…she had.

He glared deathly at the girls and sneered his disgust. He rested his forehead against Hannah’s and whispered, “Don’t worry bout them, baby. They’re just jealous of ya, that’s all.”

Hannah shook her head in bafflement, “Why the hell would they be jealous of me?”

Jack looked at her incredulously, “Are ya fucking kidding me? Have ya looked in the mirror lately? It’s cause you’re gorgeous, Hannah.”

A small smiled formed upon her face when he said those words for she wholeheartedly believed them. When she was in his presence, for the first time in her life…she felt beautiful. He made her that way.

Jack shrugged his shoulders, “Besides, the only reason why they have a problem with ya is cause I would never give them the time of day!” He made sure to say those words loud enough for the girls to hear him. He leaned over and whispered in her ear in a gentle yet commanding tone, “You’re more of a woman than they’ll ever be. Don’t ever fuckin listen to those skanks. I love ya so fuckin much. I don’t want any other girl, but you. Ya hear me?”

Hannah smiled and nodded her head, ‘I love ya too.”

He wrapped his arms tightly around her. He cradled the back of her head and kissed her forehead lovingly, all the while smirking at the girls and making direct eye contact with each and every one of them.

The girls scoffed and shook their heads, walking away, forgetting the issue for now, but something told him these were not the kind of girls that gave up so easily. But do girls ever? They are known to keep grudges, especially when it pertained to men. He knew that as long as Hannah was with him, they would never let up on her. It looked as if this was going to be yet another complication in their complex world.

“Can we get the hell outta here please? “ Hannah asked him pleadingly.

Jack nodded, “Yeah, I don’t wanna be here any longer than I have to either.”

Hannah opened her locker and got out her book bag, throwing some of her school books into it.

“Want me to carry that?” He asked her, nodding towards her book bag.

She shook her head, slinging the bag over her shoulder, “Nah, it’s not heavy. Thank ya anyway.”

Jack wrapped his arm around her shoulder as they walked down the hallway, “So, how was your first day?”

Hannah shrugged, “Eh, it was all right. I really like my art class.”

He smiled, “That’s good. “

“What about you? How was your day?” She asked him.

Jack sighed and shrugged.

Hannah chuckled, “That bad, huh?”

He nodded and frowned.

She leaned up on her tiptoes and kissed his cheek, “Aww, honey. Feel better now?”

Jack grinned, “Eh, a little. But ya know what will make me feel even more better?” He arched his eyebrow suggestively.

Hannah rolled her eyes and chuckled softly, “Oh, I think I have an idea. Ya tend to make good on your promise this morning?”

He nodded adamantly, “Damn right I am. “

A brisk chill ran down her spine, fleshing out Goosebumps upon her skin as Jack stared intensely at her.

Not another word was said as they made their way down the hall for none were needed.

Well, at least they would have an unforgettable ending to a shitty day.

One month later:

It was a Sunday afternoon and Hannah was all alone in the house. Evelyn was out shopping with Camille and the girls while Jack was helping out Jerry for some extra cash. Even Lynn was out. She had taken Wade out for a walk in his stroller. Evelyn and Lynn had beseeched upon her if she wanted to come with them, but she declined, opting to stay in and do some reading. It has been such a chaotic and stressful time that it has been so long since she had the chance to sit down and relax and catch up on her reading.

Reading is one of her favorite pastimes. She used to go through at least two books a week, two weeks if they were really long novels. She would read absolutely anything, be it fictional or biographical. She especially loved reading books about different countries and civilizations. It almost felt as if she had actually traveled there herself. That’s what so great about books. For a short period of time, you can be transported to far off destinations and worlds. Places that you would never get the opportunity to see otherwise. You can iamgine you’re anything, like a princess, a guilded white knight, or a warrior. The boundaries were limitless and ever expanding.

Except a living person there is nothing more wonderful than a book! A message to us from the dead, - from human souls whom we never saw, who lived perhaps thousands of miles away; and yet these, on those little sheets of paper, speak to us, teach us, comfort us, open their hearts to us as brothers and sisters.

The books one reads in childhood, and perhaps most of all the bad and good bad books, create in one's mind a sort of false map of the world, a series of fabulous countries into which one can retreat at odd moments throughout the rest of life.

She was deeply submersed in her book when she heard the cacophonic ringing of the doorbell. She let out an exacerbated sigh and placed her book upon the couch.

Hannah reluctantly got up and walked over to the door to answer it.

Her eyes widened in surprise when she opened the door to reveal Will, Jack’s bandmate standing there.

Will curtly nodded his head and smiled, “Hey, Hannah.”

Hannah kindly returned his smile, “Hey, Will. Surprised to see ya here. “

Will nodded his head, “Yeah…is Jack here?”

She shook her head, “No, sorry he’s not. He’s with his brother, Jerry helping him with this construction job. I don’t expect him back for a few hours.”

He sighed dejectedly, “Oh.”

“Is there something I can help ya with?” Hannah beseeched of him.

Will shook his head, “Nah, I just haven’t seen him in awhile. Me and the guys were wondering if he was all right.”

Her eyes widened and she gasped aloud in shock. She shook her head in bafflement. She closed the door and walked out onto the step, “What the hell do ya mean ya haven’t seen him?”

He looked at her perplexingly, “Ya mean ya don’t know? He didn’t tell ya?”

Hannah shook her head, “No. Tell me what?”

Will deeply sighed, “I’m sorry to be the one to have to tell ya this, Hannah, but Jack quit the band almost a month ago.”

Her legs felt as if they were going to give out on her and she stumbled back in shock, causing her back to rest against the door. She was definetly not expecting that. Why did he feel the need to lie to her all of this time and what the hell were his motives in doing so? If he had quit the band as Will had said, where the fuck has he been going all of these nights and most importantly, who has he been spending them with? There were so many possible scenerios floating around in her head and none of them were good. In fact, they made her so angry she could hardly see straight. She could not believe that he has been lying to her.

Hannah’s eyes widened in realization as it dawned upon her. So that was why he was acting so strangely a little over a month ago during breakfast. It was because he was caught in a lie and he knew it. She knew that something was amiss then, but it was only until this moment did it make sense.

She shook her head and sighed, How the hell could he lie to me? She thought to herself solemnly.

“Do ya know why he quit?” Hannah asked him.

Will sighed and shrugged his shoulders, “Well, it all started when we played a gig in Ohio. A talent scout from Epic records heard about us and came to visit our show. The label’s really interested in signing us and our offering to give us a twenty million dollar, three album record contract.”

She shook her head confusingly, “Why the hell would he quit over something like that? That’s amazing, Will. That’s everything he always wanted and dreamed about.” She looked at him accusingly and crossed her arms over her chest, asking him wearily, “What is it you’re not telling me?”

He sighed and nodded his head, “The scout said that they if we signed with them they want us to start making an album right away at their studio, which is in…Los Angeles California.”

Hannah nodded her head in understanding. Will did not have to say another word for she all ready knew the reason. The sole reason why he quit the band was because he did not want to leave her. It is the only logical explanation she could come up with. She knew that Will knew as well, but he was too much of a good man to say anything. She could only imagine what the rest of his bandmates were saying about her. She could almost hear Spunk calling her Yoko Ono.

She has never felt more guilty than she does at this moment. She did not want him to be the reason why he gave up his dream. There was only one thing left for her to do. As much as it pained her to do so, it had to be done. She loved him far too much to ever see him make such a big mistake in his life.

“Is it too late?” Hannah asked him.

Will shook his head, “No actually, it’s not. That’s why I’m here. The scout gave us a few weeks to mull it over. He’s going to come either way. We’re supposed to have this meeting at the Summit Hotel with the company’s record executives. If everything goes well, we’re gonna fly back to LA with them.”

She nodded her head, “When is the meeting?”

He sighed, “Uh…this Saturday.”

Hannah bowed her head as tears filled her eyes.

That’s so soon She thought to herself.

“We can’t do this without Jack, Hannah. He’s the most talented one in the band. We all admit that.” Will scoffed, “Hell, he’s the only damn reason why we’re even getting signed. That’s why we don’t wanna give up on him. He’s our only shot at making the big time. Without him, we’re nothing more than a jukebox bar band.”

She slowly lifted up her head, “Don’t worry, Will. Tell Spunk and Manny that he’ll be there.”

Will’s eyes widened in surprise, “Really? How the hell ya gonna make him go?”

Hannah shook her head and shrugged, “Cause he has to and no one deserves this more than him, Will. I can’t be the reason why he gives up the one thing in this world that makes him happy.” She let out a shaky sigh, “And if I have to let him go in order for him to achieve success, than…that’s what I’ll do. I refuse to let him make such a foolish decision.”

He nodded and smiled, “I knew that ya would see it like that.” He glanced down quickly at his watch and sighed, “Well, I gotta go. It’s my little brother’s birthday. We’re having some party for him.” He rolled his eyes, saying sardonically, “Big fun.”

She remained silent, nodding her head sadly.

Will smiled, “Right…well, I’m gonna get going. Thanks again, Hannah. If anyone can get through to Jack, it’s you.”

Hannah nodded and sighed, “Lets hope so.” She bit the inside of her cheek to keep herself from crying in front of Will. She was biting down so hard that she drew blood. The acrid, bitter and metallic taste was on her tongue, causing ad nauseum to rise within her.

“I’ll see ya around.” He said before walking away hastily.

Hannah nodded and stood on the step as she watched him get into his BMW and drive away.

She sighed and turned around, opening the door and walking into the house.

As soon as Hannah walked into the house, she fell down upon her knees and began sobbing uncontroablly.

After crying for Lord knows how long, she took a few deep breaths to compose herself and continued sitting on the floor with her back resting up against the door.

She nodded her head affirmatively. This is what she had to do. She had to let him go. It was the only way. She would be damned if she let him ruin his life for her.

It seemed as if when anything good comes into her life, she always ends up having to give it up. Maybe some people are truly meant to be alone. Oddly, this was one decision she actually felt content with. Maybe this is exactly what the two of them needed. Maybe this was some sort of test to prove their loyalty and love for one another.

Losing something is easy. It’s the letting go part which is the most difficult.

Jack was standing outside of Hannah’s closed bedroom door, debating if he should enter or not. He was really worried about her, all through dinner she hardly ate a thing, nor did she say a word, not even to him, which was very unusual. It was as if she was in her own world. There was something definitely the matter with her. He was sure of it, but what exactly, he was not entirely sure. When they sat across from each other at the dinner table, she could barely look at him for some reason.

What had he done to warrant such behavior from her? He had thought that everything was going considerably well between them. Their sex life was not only incredible, but relationship wise, they were in the best place they could be, which was why he was so baffled as to why she was being so distant towards him.

Jack racked his mind trying to think back on everything that had transpired between them over the last four weeks and for the life of him he could not think of a single reason as to why she would be angry with him.

He shook his head and sighed.

Sometimes girls can be so complicated. It was times such as these which made him wonder why he was foolish enough to get so deeply involved in the first place.

Cause ya fuckin love her dumbass, that’s why. He reminded himself.

Without giving it another thought, he rapped lightly on her door a few times, “Hannah, it’s me, Jack, I came to see if ya were okay.”

Hannah was sobbing softly in her bed when she heard him. She tightly closed her eyes and sighed deeply.

She slowly got up out of her bed and sluggishly walked over to the door. She grasped the handle and was about to turn it to open the door when she quickly changed her mind.

Hannah shook her head.

She could not do this. Not today, she was just too exhausted…physically and emotionally. She could not face him in this weakened state. She had confront him when she was stronger. Well, strong enough to pretend that letting him go was not going to break her heart.

Jack began pounding loudly on her door, “Hannah, are ya all right in there?”

Hannah could hear the panicked tone in his voice and it made the tears fall even harder from her eyes for putting him through this. But this is what she had to do. It was better to hurt now rather than later.

It's really painful to say goodbye to someone else that you don't want to let go, but it's even more painful to ask someone to stay if you can never make the relationship work out the way it should.

She rested her forehead upon the door and braced her hands against it. She took a few deep breaths in order to calm her frayed nerves and cleared her throat, “Yeah…I’m fine. I just have a headache.”

“Is there anything I can do for ya, baby?” Jack asked her concernedly.

Hannah smiled through her tears. That was her Jackie, always caring and concerned about her well being. It was what she loved the most about him, which is the sole reason why making this decision was all the more difficult for her.

She shook her head, “No…I just wanna lie down in the dark and be by…myself.” It tore her apart to say that last word, but she to be strong. She would be damned if she made him feel guilty for her sadness and for living out his dreams. She did not want to hold him emotionally hostage.

It hurt Jack so deeply to hear Hannah say those words. It only further affirmed his suspicions that there was something the matter with her. It was clearly evident in her solemn and despondent tone, that she was trying her damnedst to hide, but her attempts were futile. There was nothing that she could hide from him.

What the hell was she going through that she could not share with him?

Maybe cause it has to do with me. He thought to himself.

As much as Jack wanted to bust down her door and demand to know what was the matter with her. As much as he wanted to wrap his arms around her and comfort her, he would not. He would respect her wishes and give her some distance and space.

How many times has she done the same for him? It was only fair that he give her the same.

He sighed deeply and nodded his head, “All right, but if ya need me, ya know where to find me, kay? No matter what time, ya hear me?”

Jack wanted to add that he would most likely be up anyway for he could not sleep unless she was lying next to him, but he did not want to make her feel anymore guilty than she most likely all ready was.

Hannah nodded, “Yeah.”

She could hear the disappointment and hurt in his tone and hated herself even more.

“Goodnight, Hannah…I love ya.” He whispered to her.

Jack rested his hand against the door, wishing with everything in him that he could give her a hug and kiss goodnight. She may have been just on the other side of the door, not only two feet from him, but it felt as if she were miles away from him.

Hannah rested her own hand against the door and smiled sadly, “Yeah…ya too.”

He heaved an anguished sigh and reluctantly walked away from her door.

She waited near the door until she could hear his heavy footsteps patter away. She jumped slightly when she heard his bedroom door slam loudly.

Hannah slid down onto the floor and put her face in her hands in order to muffle her sobs.

It's amazing how one minute you can’t imagine living your life without someone . . . and the next you find yourself doing exactly that.

TBC…Here it comes, the chapter we have all been dreading…Sorry, but ya knew it was coming…

Lament-Chapter 43

Wed, 21 Mar 2007 03:39:00 GMT

Chapter 43: New Beginnings

"Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow."
-Anon

The minute Hannah and Jack pulled into the driveway of their home, the cloud of ominous tension that was hovering above them in the car was so thick you could cut it with a knife. They could almost taste the bitterness upon their tongues.

Jack parked the car and switched off the ignition. He lounged back in the seat and heaved an anguished sigh, averting his gaze over to Hannah. She was leaning her shoulder against the passenger side door with her head resting against the window, but surprisingly, she was not sleeping. Her eyes were wide awake. She remained silent and still as a statue.

He reached over and gently grasped her shoulder. She slightly jumped in sheer fright and a susurration of a gasp escaped from her mouth. She acted almost as if his palm was on fire. Her behavior perplexed and worried him considering that she had not a qualm nor reservation with him touching her a mere few hours ago.

In fact, she seemed to welcome his touch. Why is it that all of the sudden she was acting this way? It was almost as if she were an entirely different person from the one whom he had spent the weekend with. The most incredible three days of his entire life. Hannah’s odd behavior was beginning to worry him. It was as if she wanted absolutely nothing to do with him.

Jack’s eyes widened in horror and his heart began racing at a lightening speed. Violent trembles began to wrack throughout his body as he suddenly came to a frightening realization.

Could it be that she was having a change of heart? Was she regretting everything that had happened between them this weekend? Just the mere thought of that made his heart beat so wildly he was shocked it had not broken out of his ribcage as of yet. If she took everything back, he did not think he would be able to handle it. It would be like his most horrible nightmare becoming an actual reality.

He shook his head adamantly and berated himself for thinking such emasculating thoughts.

Why was he even doubting Hannah in the first place? She loved him. He was sure of that. This weekend only further solidified and cemented what he had all ready known in his heart all along. He had always known. Even before they met one another, it was like he always knew he was in love with her. It was as if everything that happened in his life was inherently leading him toward her. All the pain, suffering and anguish he had endured over the years seemed miniscule. For what he shared with Hannah outweighed all of the bad stuff.

Sometimes you meet somebody and you know that whatever you did before, it must have been right. Nothing could've been too bad or gone too far wrong because it led you to this person. That person is Hannah.

Man and woman are not meant to be alone. Like Mother Earth and Father Sky, everyone needs a partner or they become unbalanced. It's nature.

Hannah gave him something everyone else was unable to give him…a reason to live.

When he is in her presence, he knows a peace and solace he has never known before. Nothing else matters when they are with one another. No matter what may be happening in their lives at that moment, be it bad or good. They will always share it with one another. As long as they are together, there is no insurmountable obstacle they cannot cross.

Peace. It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.

“What’s the matter, Hannah?” Jack beseeched of her softly.

Hannah shook her head as if clearing it out of a daze. She looked at him in bewilderment and shrugged, smiling softly, “Nothing…”

He arched his eyebrow questioningly. It was plainly elucidated by the way he was looking at her that he did not believe her for one second.

Jack shook his head and sighed as he looked upon her.

Hannah has to be the most complicated and complex person he has ever met in his entire life. What makes it even more worse is that she is a girl, which is one of the things he loves the most about her, but that just makes her more difficult to figure out! Sometimes it is as if she is speaking in some unknown and foreign language. The other times, she maintains her silence, as if he is supposed to read her mind and know that something is bothering her. She needs to cut him some slack every now and then.

I’m a guy for Christ’s sake. Doesn’t she know that I need some signs every goddamned once and while? He thought to himself in aggravation.

Men and women belong to different species, and communication between them is a science still in its infancy.

Jack loves her, he really does. He just wishes that she would open up to him every now and then.

Sometimes she'll be talking to him about something. Suddenly the words fade into silence. A cloud comes into her eyes and they go blank. She's somewhere else, away from him. She is unrecognizable. Someone he doesn't know. He’ll call her name and she doesn't even hear him. Then, with a long sigh, she's back. Looking at him brightly. She doesn't even know she's been away. She even can't tell him where or when.

How is it that he can hear her when she whispers, but she cannot even hear him when he screams?

After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul. You learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't mean security. You begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises, and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open, with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child. You learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans. After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure... that you really are strong, and you really do have worth.

Hannah’s love taught him that…no one else. Her love gave him the strength of a thousand men. There was nothing he was incapable of when she was by his side.

We all want to fall in love. Why? Because that experience makes us feel completely alive. Where every sense is heightened, every emotion is magnified, our everyday reality is shattered and we are flying into the heavens. It may only last a moment, an hour, an afternoon. But that doesn't diminish its value. Because we are left with memories that we will treasure for the rest of our lives.

The only thing that matters. The only thing that's real is the Here and Now. No matter how much you love something or how much you take it for granted, nothing lasts forever.

When you fall in love...he guesses nobody ever does mean to fall in love. But it happens, and love brands itself on your brain. It's like a new street appearing overnight in the city you've lived in your whole life. The street is one way -- you can't turn around and get off it -- and it curves up ahead so that you can only see far enough to know that you are veering into the unknown.

Committing to someone is hard enough without having to wonder...if they're even gonna be here tomorrow.

Hannah chuckled softly and cupped his cheek, “There’s nothing the matter with me…really.”

Jack nodded, “Ya would tell me if there was though…right?”

She nodded and smiled, “Of course.”

Sometimes life is so perfect isn't it? It has to be, to make up for all the hard stuff it throws your way. You have to learn to walk, you have to learn to talk, you have to wear that totally ridiculous hat your grandma bought you. You have no say in the matter. And when you're a little older, even though you get to choose your hats, you don't get to choose what they put in those meatballs at the cafeteria ... Or when to fall in love. Things happen, and you just have to deal.

Human beings need a lot of things to feel alive. Family . . . Love . . .Sex. But we only need one thing . . . To actually be alive. We need a beating heart. When our heart is threatened we respond in one of two ways. We either run or . . . we attack. There's a scientific term for this: Fight or flight. It's instinct . . . We can't control it. Or can we?.

Maybe our mistakes are what make our fate. Without them what would shape our lives? Perhaps if we never veered off course, we wouldn't fall in love... or be who we are.

Do you ever put your arms up and spin really fast? That's what love is like. It makes your heart race and turn's the world upside down. But if you're not careful, if you don't keep your eyes on something still, you can lose your balance, you can't see what's happening to the people around you. You can't see that you're about to fall.

Love is accepting and forgiving for the things you do not understand.

Love makes us all a little weaker, but in the end we all turn out a little stronger.

Hannah has always dreamed of having a life like this. Well, at least some semblance of normality anyway. What really encompasses a dream anyway? Maybe they are not supposed to come true. Maybe they are solely meant to leave in our minds and within our hearts. For when a dream becomes an actual reality. It is never really as perfect and idyllic as you imagined it to be.

When you see something from afar, you develop a fantasy. But when you see it up close, nine times out of ten, you wish you hadn't.

So she asks again, what is a dream?

Nothing, if you don't believe in them. But she did, you see. She believed in enchanted evenings, and she believed that a small cloud passed overhead and cried down on a flower bed, and she even believed there was breakfast to be had...

The tough thing about following your heart is that people forget to mention that sometimes the heart takes you to places you shouldn't be. Places that are as scary as they are exciting and as dangerous as they are alluring. Sometimes your heart cannot take you to places that lead to happy endings. That's not even the difficult part; the difficult part is when you follow your heart, you leave normal; you go into the unknown and once you do you can never go back.

Love is love. Teenagers are capable of being in love as adults are, perhaps more so.

We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.

Love is something far more than desire for sexual intercourse; it is the principal means of escape from the loneliness which afflicts most men and women throughout the greater part of their lives. It has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get, it's what you are expected to give -- which is everything.

Hannah dropped her hand from his face and sighed, resting her head back against the seat.

A small smile formed upon his face when he noticed that she switched her ring onto her right finger with the heart facing inward toward her body, symbolizing that she was in a committed relationship and someone had “captured her heart”. Sure, it may not exactly symbolize what he wanted it to, but at least she was still wearing it proudly out in the open for everyone to see.

Jack could not understand why he was so nervous in giving it to her when it was plainly obvious there was no reason to be. She loved him, that he was sure of. Shit, it was the only thing in this world he was sure of. Her love for him was the one thing in this goddamned world that he can count on.

He cannot wait until the day they will finally be able to be share their love with everyone in this entire world. He wants nothing more than to climb atop the Empire State Building and scream aloud how much he loves this girl and wants to spend the rest of his life with her. He looks forward to the day when he can finally be able to call her his wife and he her husband, but they belong to one another regardless. As he had said before, they do not need labels or a piece of paper to define their relationship. He is her and she is his. It’s as simple as that. To hell what with everyone else thinks.

Jack smirked and asked her, “Trying to delay the inevitable, huh?”

She chuckled and nodded her head, “Yeah…just a little.”

He scooted over closer to Hannah and wrapped his arm around her shoulders, “What’d ya say we don’t even go the hell the in there and just drive outta this shithole and never come back?”

Hannah looked up at him and arched her eyebrow, nodding her head, “Oh yeah? Where would we go?”

Jack shrugged, “Who the hell cares? We’ll just drive until we run outta gas and wherever we end up, that’s where we’ll stay.”

She rested her head upon his shoulder and closed her eyes, sighing wistfully. She had to admit, what he was suggesting did not seem like that bad of an idea. She could not think of nothing more amazing then driving off into the sunset with the man of her dreams. It would be so easy for them to leave here without any intended destination necessary. There would be no need to tell anyone. The only thing they would try to do was hold them down and try to talk them out of it. By the time they even figured out they were missing, they would all ready be half-way to anywhere.

Hannah had spent many sleepless night, lying in the stillness, just dreaming of a place where only the two of them existed. No one would know whom they were there. It would be a new beginning, fresh start and a new slate. All she wants is to give her life only to this man. He is her life. She has dreamt so much, she cannot dream anymore.

As she slowly opened her eyes, she noticed that Jack was intently peering down at her with a thoughtful look on his face. A look of serious was deeply etched into his features, his face was hard as stone.

Her eyes widened and she gasped aloud in surprise. She knew that look very well.

“You’re actually serious?” She asked him.

Jack nodded, “Of course I was. Did ya really think I would joke bout something like that?”

Hannah shook her head in bafflement and let out an uncomfortable chuckle, “But…Jackie…you would be leaving so much behind. You have your band and not to mention your mom. She would be devastated if ya left her. Especially since she just lost Bobby and Angel. You and Jerry are the only people she has left.”

“She has you too.” He reminded her.

She smiled softly and nodded her head, “It’s a beautiful idea, baby, but it’s just not logical.” She sighed deeply and shrugged, “It would be easy for me to just up and leave…” She rested her hand upon his knee and smiled softly, “But you…not so much.”

Jack placed his hand upon hers that was atop of his knee and interlaced their fingers together. He cupped her cheek and directly met her gaze, “Hey now, stop talking shit like that. Ya have a lot of people here that love and care bout ya. Ya have Jerry, Camille, Daniela and Amelia. They love it when ya baby-sit them. “

Hannah bowed her head and smiled as he continued, “Ya also have Lynn and ma, who is so fuckin crazy bout ya. “ He leaned over and whispered in her ear, “And ya have me.”

A wide beaming smile came upon her face after hearing his words. It never ceased to amaze her that in just a year, she had finally gotten what she has always wanted…a family. In just a short amount of time, she became apart of a family. It was so hard to believe how easily they accepted her. Upon first meeting, they welcomed her with open arms. Well, all except Bobby. But even he seemed to break down his defenses and slowly let her in. They may not have known one another for a very long time, but he left a lasting impression in which she will never forget. She genuinely did love and care for him as if he were her own brother. What made it even all the more special was that he felt the same for she.

While the Mercers may not exactly be the most conventional family, they had a lot of love and loyalty for one another. They were the most tight knit group of people she has ever met in her entire life. Each one of them were different in their own unique way and they all seemed to bring something special into this cornucopia of extraordinary individuals.

What really makes a family anyway? It is not race, color nor creed. Hell, it is not even blood ties. It is the ability to see all that is invisible to the eye and love each other, regardless of their faults.

Creating a family in this turbulent world is an act of faith, a wager that against all odds there will be a future, that love can last, that the heart can triumph against all adversities and even against the grinding wheel of time.

To the outside world we all grow old. But not to brothers and sisters. We know each other as we always were. We know each other's hearts. We share private family jokes. We remember family feuds and secrets, family griefs and joys. We live outside the touch of time.

Hannah has learned in this past year, that it is not the family in which you’re born into which matters, but rather than what you gained in your life that you have never had before.

There is no doubt in her mind that being adopted affects parenting in a profound way. But how it manifests itself is as idiosyncratic as each parent, as unique as each child....We can only do our best to follow our hearts, to watch both ourselves and our children with a compassionate eye, and to find out our own place on the ever-lilting balance beam of parenthood.

She feels so lucky to be apart of this incredible unit. She would never trade this family for anything. It did not even matter that her parents were no longer here. For in Hannah’s eyes, Evelyn was enough. It was unfathomable how a woman could have so much love and tenderness in her heart. She was so selfless. She gave and gave without asking anything in return. Her strength and abounding grace was something to be envied. She can only hope to be just a fraction of what that woman has become someday. She is a true testament that there is really good people left in this world.

Hannah has only one person on this Earth to thank for bringing Evelyn into her life.

And he is sitting right next to her.

Jack savagely ripped her out of her reverie by asking her, “So…are we just gonna stay in the car and vegetate all day? I’m sure ma’s worried sick that we haven’t gotten home yet.”

Hannah nodded and smiled. It warmed her heart that she actually had a real home with someone there waiting for her.

“Although, I hate to start a fight, but it was kinda your fault that we’re late.” He said in a jovial manner.

Hannah’s eyes widened, “Yeah? Why is that, hmm?”

Jack shrugged. He had a shit eating grin on his face, “I don’t know. Ya were the one who wanted to take a shower with me.”

A slight blush tinged upon her cheeks as she ducked her head shyly. She playfully bumped her shoulder with his, “Hey, I just wanted to take a shower.” She put a mock look of seriousness on her face and in her tone of voice, “ Ya know, just doing my part for water conservation in the community. Ya were the one who couldn’t keep your hands off of me.”

He tilted his head back and chuckled aloud. He leaned over her seat and rested his hand upon her hip, slowly sliding it up her ribcage to rest under her left breast. He whispered in her ear, “Judging by your screams. Ya loved every minute of it.”

Hannah rolled her eyes and scoffed, “Ya cocky son of a bitch.”

She would never dare admit it aloud, but she loved this side of himself. Maybe it was because this was a side of him she never got to see before. It was as if ever since they made love, he has become more emboldened, confident and…outspoken then he once was. It was a far cry from the shy, introverted and meek man she had known just a few days prior. It was so out of character for him to behave this way. It was as if something sparked inside of him and became alive. She could tell just by looking into his eyes. They were brightly alit with what could only be discerned as being…happiness. Pure, elated and unabashed happiness.

It may have seemed self-indulgent to even think this, but she found a somewhat perverse satisfaction in knowing that she was responsible for this current change within himself. She felt this self-gratification just knowing that she was lending a hand in shaping the amazing man he was becoming.

Maybe it solely had to do with the fact that he was doing the same for she. Ever since the first night they made love, she felt like an entirely different person. It was almost as if she went through a spiritual reawakening…a rebirth of some sorts. For the first time in her life, she felt beautiful and…worthy. And all he had to do was look at her.

Jack let out a laborious sigh and bowed his head bashfully, gazing shyly at Hannah from under his lashes, “Hannah?”

“Yeah?” Hannah asked him curiously, smiling warmly.

There was that shy and bashfulness she knew and loved. It was good to see that some things never change. No matter how much you expect them to.

He sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. It was a little quirk he had whenever he was nervous about something.

Hannah cupped his face in her hands and lifted his head up so that she may properly look into his eyes, “What? What is it, baby?”

Jack shook his head and shrugged sheepishly, “I don’t wanna sound like a perve or anything, but can we still continue to…” He trailed off, hoping that she knew what he was trying to say, even if he had not the courage to do so.

She giggled softly and nodded her head, smiling, “Ya mean can we still make love even though we’re back home?”

He nodded shyly.

Hannah smiled, “Of course we can. Did ya think that was only a limited time offer?” She leaned down and whispered in his ear, “How could ya think I would just be satisfied with those three days?”

Jack smiled and blushed, a wave of relief overcoming him. He had successfully hurdled over that obstacle.

One down, a thousand more to go. He thought to himself bitterly.

“We’ll just have to be a little more careful is all.” She reminded him.

“And quieter.” Jack added cheekily as looked at her with accusatory eyes.

Hannah rolled her eyes and playfully slapped his chest, “Hey, if I recall. You’re not exactly mute yourself. In fact, I’m surprised no one thought I was trying to murder ya in there.”

He blushed furiously at her words and quickly bowed his head.

She chuckled softly and kissed him atop of his head, “Come on, stud. “ She opened the car door and stepped out of it.

Jack smiled softly and he shook his head as he opened the door and stepped out of the car.

Hannah was definitely crazier than he was, but he would not have it any other way.

Is love not a little crazy at times? Shit, people have to be just a tiny bit insane to fall in love.

Anything less than mad, passionate, extraordinary love is a waste of time. There are too many mediocre things in life and love shouldn't be one of them.

When they walked inside the house, Jack and Hannah were surprised to hear the indistinct able sounds of what appeared to be a baby crying.

They both looked at one another perplexingly and followed the source of the sound, which seemed to be coming from the living room.

Hannah’s eyes widened when she saw Jerry sitting on the couch with baby Amelia on his lap, while Daniela was sitting next to him, quietly playing with a Cabbage Patch Doll.

Hannah and Jack both looked at one another, sharing a look of concern.

As soon as Jerry saw them, he smiled brightly and waved his free hand, “Hey, ya’ll.”

Jack crossed his arms over his chest and looked at Jerry suspiciously, “Where’s Ma?”

Hannah walked over and bent down upon her knee to say hello to Daniela. Daniela smiled beamingly as soon as she saw her, knowing exactly whom she was.

Hannah gently took a hold of her hand and smiled softly at her, “Hey there, Danny. How are you?”

Daniela waved wildly at her, saying, “Hannah.”

Daniela averted her attention towards Jerry and clapped excitedly.

Jerry chuckled and nodded, “Yeah…It’s Auntie Hannah. You’re girlfriend.”

Daniela turned back toward Hannah and outstretched her arms, as if asking her to hold her.

Hannah chuckled softly and sat down next to her upon the couch. She gently grasped her waist and put her upon her lap.

It warmed Jack’s heart as he stood there and intently watched Hannah with Daniela. She was the kindest, gentlest and most caring woman he has ever met. Next to Evelyn, of course. There was not a doubt in his mind that she would be an incredible mother. She just had that nurturing and loving nature. Just like Evelyn. It was such a shame that she would never be able to have children of her own. He would love to have a child with her. To see her stomach swelling. To know that a life was growing inside of her, made by the uncompromising love they had for one another.

He could see the sadness in her eyes as she looked upon Daniela. It was as if at that moment, she too was feeling the pain of all she had lost, never to be regained again.

It damn near brought him to tears for he knew that it would never happen. It was yet another one of those things that incessantly reminded them they were not like any other normal couple, nor ever will be.

No matter how much they tried. You cannot dress a sheep in wolves’ clothing. It is what it is and they had to accept that harsh but true fact.

The art of losing isn't hard to master; so many things seem... ... filled... with the intent to be lost that their loss is no disaster. Lose something every day. Accept the fluster of lost door keys, the hour badly spent. The art of losing isn't hard to master. They had lost so many people in their lives…loved ones. They miss them, but it wasn't a disaster. It's evident the art of losing's not too hard to master though it may look like it. It is so easy to lose something, but letting go is the hardest.

“I take it ya guys had a good time?” Jerry asked them, as he darted his eyes back and forth between the two teenagers, all the while smirking.

Hannah and Jack both blushed and bowed their heads bashfully.

Jack cleared his throat and curtly nodded, “Yeah…we did.”

Hannah nodded, “Yeah, it was nice.”

Jerry smiled and nodded, “Yeah, I bet it was.”

Jerry was no fool. He knew exactly what had happened on their trip. It was written all over their faces. He could not blame them. He and Camille were the same way when they were that age. He only hoped they knew what they were getting into. Once you get to the point of no return, there is no going back. He knows from experience.

Jack let out a sigh of exacerbation and asked him again, “Jerry, where’s Ma?”

Hannah nodded, “Yeah…and Lynn?”

Jerry had a huge grin on his face. It was almost as if he knew something they did not, “Evelyn took Lynn to the hospital last night. She was having contractions.”

Hannah eyes widened and she gasped aloud in shock, “All ready?”

Jerry nodded, “Yeah…she’s only three weeks early. Camille had Amelia a month early and she turned out fine. When a baby’s ready, there ain’t no telling it otherwise.” He shook his head and chuckled softly, “Believe me.”

“Why are you here?” Jack asked him curiously.

He shrugged, “Ma wanted me here to let ya guys know so ya wouldn’t worry when ya came home. We just got the call over three hours ago that Lynn had the baby. Camille’s there right now visiting.”

Hannah nodded, “What hospital?”

“Henry Ford.” Jerry answered her by saying.

Jack looked over at Hannah and asked her, “Ya want me to take ya?”

“Ya don’t mind?” Hannah asked him.

He shook his head, “Not at all, come on.”

Hannah placed Daniela back upon the couch and gave her a kiss atop of her head, saying goodbye to her.

Daniela did not seem happy that Hannah was leaving. It was as if she sensed it for she began crying softly and stretching her arms outward. She was squeezing her hands into tight fists, as if grasping the air.

Hannah made a sad face, “Aw, baby, I’ll be back. I promise.” She leaned down and gave her a quick hug and kissed her upon the cheek.

Hannah leaned over and cupped the back of Amelia’s head, giving her a gentle kiss upon the forehead.

Hannah and Jack both said goodbye to Jerry and exited the leaving room, going back in the direction whence they came.

When Jerry was alone once again, he shook his head and chuckled softly to himself.

Young love…

The world is passing through troubling times. The young people of today think of nothing but themselves. They have no reverence for parents or old age. They are impatient of all restraint. They talk as if they knew everything, and what passes for wisdom with us is foolishness with them. As for the girls, they are forward, immodest and unladylike in speech, behavior and dress.

You never know what peace is until you walk on the shores or in the fields or along the winding red roads of Prince Edward Island in a summer twilight when the dew is falling and the old stars are peeping out and the sea keeps its mighty tryst with the little land it loves. You find your soul then. You realize that youth is not a vanished thing but something that dwells forever in the heart.

Jack parked in the visitor section of the parking lot and they both walked into the hospital together.

As soon as they walked into the building, it was like a heavy burdening weight settled upon their chests. Neither one of them had good experiences when it came to hospitals. It seemed every time they came here someone was hurt, almost always themselves or worse…dead.

It felt really strange that they were actually coming to the hospital for something happy and joyous rather than dismal, dreary and solemn.

They both walked over to the help desk, where an elderly nurse of about fifty five, maybe a little older was sitting behind the desk typing something into the computer.

Jack cleared his throat loudly in order to get the woman’s attention, but she must have been very hard of hearing for not once did she look up, nor did she seem to make any attempts of doing so.

Hannah smirked as Jack looked over at her and rolled his eyes, sighing softly.

Hannah placed her hand upon his back and rubbed it in a comforting manner. She leaned upon her tiptoes and peeked over the counter so that she could see the woman more clearly.

Jack stood back and let Hannah take care of the rest of it from here. She was much better at talking with people than he was. Whenever he tried to say something to someone, what he originally wanted to say and what he ended up saying was drastically different to what he knew he was trying to convey. Are you following him? See, even his thoughts are somewhat muddled and choppy. Holding conversations were never his forte. That was why God invented women after all. To take the pressure off of the men. When it came to relationships, women did the thinking for men so they did not have to. Could you imagine what the world would be like if there would be no women in the world?

Look at the Presidents of the United States. They were not called First Ladies for nothing. Behind every good man, is an even better woman. Jack had never really understood that statement…until now that is. But instead of walking in his shadow, she was standing beside him, right where she belonged.

If the first woman God ever made was strong enough to turn the world upside down all alone, these women together ought to be able to turn it back and get it right-side up again. And now that they are asking to do it the men better let them.

Sometimes Jack thinks that Hannah is so much stronger and resilient than he will ever be. Maybe it has to do with his insecurities and feelings of inadequacies, but he cannot help but feel as if it is much more than that. She is so intelligent, clever, witty and free thinking. There is not a doubt in his mind that she would achieve the ultimate success in anything she set her mind to. She is not one to give up so easily when faced with adversity and doubt. It is a trait he admires and respects so much for he knows that will be never something a guy such as himself will never have. Her strong will and fierce determination is something to be envied.

It makes him wonder why she is even with a guy like him when it is obvious she can do so much better. A gorgeous and bright girl such as herself could have any guy she wanted. She deserved someone whom was handsome, rich and sophisticated. Whom could give her all the finer things in life that she deserved. Things a man like him would never in a million years be able to give her. She deserved to be treated like the amazing girl that she was. What could a broken, half shell of a man such as himself have to offer to her?

Jack shook his head, ridding his mind of those kind of thoughts.

There was not a doubt within his mind that she would be pissed at him for thinking such thoughts. He could vividly imagine what her reaction would be. Even now after all that had transpired between them, he just cannot seem to get himself out of that mindset. Just because they were lovers, it did not mean that he would suddenly become this different man overnight. After so many years of experiencing the worst, he just kind of expects it, you know?

He knows that it is only a matter of time before she leaves him, moving onto something far more better. Everything he has ever loved and cared for ends up abandoning him eventually.

Why should she be any different?

“Excuse me, maim.” She said in a kind and gentle tone.

The woman’s ears perked up and she quickly snapped her head up, gazing upon Hannah in bewilderment. She abruptly halted what she was typing in the computer and folded her hands neatly upon the desk.

In her nurse’s uniform, which was a pristine white knee length skirt with a matching white blouse and black saddle shoes. She reminded Hannah of the nurses she would see in those classic old time movies she loved such as “Farewell to Arms” and “Casablanca”. She even had the hairdo, which was a slightly curled bob that reached her chin.

The nurse took of her wire rimmed glasses and they fell loosely around her neck for the stems were clasped in a silver chain.

She smiled warmly and looked up at Hannah, asking her kindly, “What can I do for you, dear?”

Hannah returned her smile, “My friend, Lynn Wilson just gave birth a little while ago and I was hoping ya could tell us what room she was in.”

The woman nodded and averted her attention to her computer screen as she began typing.

The nurse glanced up at Hannah, “Lynn Wilson you said?”

Hannah smiled and nodded.

The nurse turned back to her computer screen and began typing once again. A mere minute later, she said, “Ah, I found her. She was admitted last night at ten in the evening. “

“Can we see her?” Hannah asked her in a slightly desperate tone.

The nurse smiled and nodded, “Sure can. She’s in Room twelve, located on the sixth floor in the maternity unit.” She pointed to her far left, “You can just take those elevators right there.”

Hannah nodded her head, “Thank ya so much.”

The nurse smiled kindly and nodded her head, “No problem, dear.”

Hannah averted her attention toward Jack and tightly grasped his hand in hers. She smiled softly and whispered, “Come on, Jackie.”

As they were walking away, Hannah turned back and said to the nurse over her shoulder, “Thanks again for your help.”

The nurse shook her head and waved her hand dismissively in the air, “It’s my job, dear.”

The nurse tilted her head thoughtfully and smiled affectionately as she watched the two young lovers walk hand in hand over to the elevator.

She intently watched them and softly chuckled when she saw the young girl lean over and whisper something in the young man’s ear. It must have been something very funny for he tilted his head back and chuckled aloud. He then cupped her cheek and leaned over, whispering something in her ear as well. The young girl shook her head amusedly and looked at him with so much love, adoration and admiration, it would take a blind person not to see it. It was made plainly obvious to her how much those two young souls loved one another. You could tell just by in the way they looked at one another. They looked at each other as if they were the only two people that existed in the world. Maybe in their eyes that’s just what they thought.

It reminded her so much of she and her husband of thirty seven years when they were at that age.

The nurse shook her head and rolled her eyes, thinking to herself, No, I don’t remember George ever being THAT hot!

GO ONTO NEXT PART:

ch.43 cont

Wed, 21 Mar 2007 03:38:07 GMT

When Hannah and Jack reached the door of Lynn’s room, she turned to Jack and asked him, “Ya coming in?”

Jack shook his head and shrugged, “Nah…I don’t really think it’s my place. You’re her friend. I’ll be sitting in that waiting room we passed.”

“Are ya sure?” Hannah asked him.

He nodded, “Yeah, positive. Ya go on in. I’ll be waiting.”

She smiled and nodded her head.

Hannah cupped his cheek and leaned over, whispering in his ear, “I love ya, Jackie.”

Jack closed his eyes momentarily, a wide beaming smile forming upon his face. He will never get used to hearing her say those words. He lifted her hand up to his lips and kissed the back of it, directly meeting her gaze.

She did not become angry that he had not said the words back to her. There was no need to. She could tell that he loved her for the way he was looking into her eyes. His green eyes stared at her so intensely it was as if he were piercing the very depths of her soul. There are moments like this one when words are not need. They get in the way and do far more harm than good. Anyone can throw words around without having any thoughts or emotions behind them. They are meaningless when you think about it. Actions speak louder than words ever could. So while he may not always tell her he loves her, he shows her everyday just by being here with her.

It surprised her how affectionate he was being with her in public. Before, he was always so timid and shy. She was always the one whom initiated anything remotely affectionate or sexual between them. It made her feel really good to see that he had finally let every single one of his guards down and let her in. He had also slowly but surely broke down all of her defenses as well. It has been such a long time coming, but she feels good enough to actually committ to them wholeheartedly.

Their troubles may have been far from over, but suddenly the world did not seem so big and scary as long as they had one another.

“I’ll see ya in a little bit…allright?” Hannah said as she gave him a chaste kiss on the lips.

Jack nodded, “That’s cool. Take your time.”

She nodded and smiled, “I’ll tell Evelyn you’re here.”

Hannah gave him one last kiss on the lips and knocked lightly on the door. She peeked her head in, showing her face before proceeding to enter.

When she walked inside the hospital room Evelyn and Camille were sitting upon opposite sides of Lynn, whom was lying in the bed.

Evelyn and Camille both turned their attention toward Hannah.

Evelyn’s eyes widened in surprise and she sprung up from her chair, immediately walking over to Hannah. She wrapped her arms around her daughter and cupped her face, giving her a tender and loving kiss on her forehead, “Hello my sweetheart. It’s so good to see you. I was wondering if you would be home in time to come visit us.”

Hannah tightly wrapped her arms around Evelyn and rested her head upon her shoulder, smiling softly, “I wouldn’t miss this for the world. Ya know that.”

“How was the trip?” Camille asked her.

Hannah suddenly became very flustered and embarrassed as soon as she heard Camille’s words. She eased herself out of Evelyn’s grasp and stepped away from her.

Hannah quickly bowed her head as she felt the heat rising to her cheeks. She shrugged, “It was…nice…really nice.”

Camille smiled, “That’s good. I love that place. Jerry used to take me there all the time when we first got married.” She scoffed and shook her head, “That was before he became wrapped up in his business. Now I’m lucky I even get to spend time with him for five minutes during breakfast, let alone an entire weekend.”

Evelyn shook her head and chuckled softly. She walked over to Camille and rested her hand upon her back, “Oh, shush now. You know that man loves you.”

Hannah nodded, “Yeah…he really does.”

Camille smiled and nodded her head, “Yeah, I know. He’s good to me and loves his kids.” She averted her attention back toward Hannah, “Speaking of kids. How were Danny and Amelia when ya saw them? They driving their daddy wild?”

Hannah shook her head and chuckled, “No, Danny was playing good and he was feeding Amelia.”

Camille nodded her head and let out a huge sigh of relief. As intelligent and level headed as he was, when it came to his children, he was almost like them in a sense. He would let them get away with anything. There was nothing he would not do for them. When it pertained to them, the word, “no” was nonexistent. She knew that he was just being a loving and doting father, which was one of the things she loved the most about him, but he was just too gullible. He gave in far too easily.

The fact is that child rearing is a long, hard job, the rewards are not always immediately obvious, the work is undervalued, and parents are just as human and almost as vulnerable as their children.

“Did Jackie come with you?” Evelyn beseeched of her.

Hannah nodded, “Yeah, he’s sitting in the waiting room down the hall.”

Evelyn smiled and nodded her head. It made her so happy to see that the two of them had finally worked out their differences. It seemed as if ever since Amanda’s death, they appreciated each other and did not take for granted the time they had with one another.

Why spend your days pondering and overanalyzing over the reasons why they should not be together when they could be focusing on the reasons why they were perfect for one another in every way imaginable?

It seemed they spend so much time bickering over petty and trivial matters when they could be sharing that precious time with one another. We only get a selective amount of time upon this Earth. We should make it as fulfilling and virtuous as possible. When her time is up, she wants to have no regrets.

When you come to the end of all the light you know, and it's time to step into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing that one of two things shall happen: Either you will be given something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly.

Even though you may want to move forward in your life, you may have one foot on the brakes. In order to be free, we must learn how to let go. Release the hurt. Release the fear. Refuse to entertain your old pain. The energy it takes to hang onto the past is holding you back from a new life. What is it you would let go of today?

She cannot believe that the purpose of life is to be happy. She thinks the purpose of life is to be useful, to be responsible, to be compassionate. It is, above all to matter, to count, to stand for something, to have made some difference that you lived at all.

The world is not respectable; it is mortal, tormented, confused, deluded forever; but it is shot through with beauty, with love, with glints of courage and laughter; and in these, the spirit blooms timidly, and struggles to the light amid the thorns.

To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose. The Earth spins at a thousand miles an hour as we desperately try to keep from being thrown off. Like the first blush in winter that signals a great migration. Is there any warning of their arrival? A sign, a single event that set this chain into motion? Was it a whisper in God's ear? Survive. Adapt. Escape. And if we could mark our single moment in time, that first hint of a prophecy of approaching danger... would we have done anything differently? Could it have been stopped? Or was the die long ago cast? And if we could go back, alter its course, stop it from happening... would we?

Evelyn loves Hannah and Jack with every fiber of her being and she is so happy for the two of them. Words cannot express her joy in seeing two people find love and hope in one another. That was the sole reason why she had agreed to let Jack take her away. They needed some alone time in order to figure out their feelings for one another. They needed to get away from all the dramas and dilemmas that they face in everyday life and focus on each other.

Judging by the permanent grin and twinkle in Hannah’s eyes, the trip was an all around success.

Who says I still don’t have it in my old age? Evelyn thought to herself in satisfaction.

Hannah averted her attention toward Lynn and she realized that the entire time she has been here, she had not said one word.

Hannah’s eyes widened when she noticed that Lynn was cradling a baby in her arms. The baby was bundled up in what appeared to be a powder blue blanket. The baby was also wearing a matching powder blue knit cap upon his head.

This surprised and shocked Hannah very much for she was not expecting to see this when she walked in here. Usually the adoption agencies are opposed to mothers planning to give their children up for adoption to spend time with their newborn babies. They feel it is not healthy for either the child nor the mother. It gives them both a chance to form an attachment and a bond, especially with the mothers. It makes their decisions to give them up even more harder when thet time comes. It actually gives the mothers some time to change their minds, which in some cases is not necessarily a bad thing. But with others, it is a very dangerous and unwanted complication. Some women are just not meant to be mothers.

Having children makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist.

Could it be that Lynn had changed her mind?

Hannah smiled softly and waved at Lynn, “Hi.”

Lynn curtly nodded, a small smile forming upon her face, “Hey.”

Lynn looked surprisingly well for someone that just had a baby only a few hours ago. Her hair was pulled back into a braid, falling loosely upon her left shoulder and she was wearing one of those garish hospital nightgowns. Yet she still managed to look absolutely amazing. She also had an intravenous tube hooked up into her right hand. Her face was scrubbed completely clean of any makeup. It was not as if she needed it anyway. She was naturally beautiful without it. She could really see why Bobby fell in love with her. She was so astonishingly beautiful. She could really be a supermodel. Hannah thought that the first moment she laid eyes upon her. She had the kind of beauty that stopped traffic and made you take notice. She was undeniable.

Hannah only wished that Bobby could have seen it that way. Maybe then would he have been standing in this room with them.

There seemed to be something different about her. There was this glow emanating from her being. Her eyes were bightly alit with what could only be discerned as being…hapiness.

Never has Hannah seen Lynn in such a state.

Shit, I thought that glare on her face was permanent since birth. Hannah thought to herself as she crossed her arms over her chest staring intently at her friend.

One thing was for damn sure. Hannah admired Lynn for her strength.

We have a secret in our culture, and it's not that birth is painful; it's that women are strong.

It was such a travesty that Hannah would never know that kind of strength and endurance. That had been ruined for her before she even fully comprehended where babies actually came from. It was just yet another sacred thing that had been savagely and cruelly taken away from her.

When Hannah was told the heartbreaking news that she could not have children, her reaction was not one would expect. In fact, she was sort of happy in a sense. Relieved even. At least she would not have to worry about bringing another life into this chaotic and horrific world. How could she take care of a child when she knew not how to take care of herself? How could she be someone’s mother when she really did not have one of her own to learn from?

But as soon as she realized she was in love with Jack, her views upon the matter seemed to drastically change. For the first time in her life, she could actually see herself being a mother. There was no one else in this world she would rather bore a child to than Jack. Just the mere thought of having his children brought tears to her eyes. It filled a warmness in her heart she has never felt before, but unless some miracle occurred, it would never be able to happen. There was just no way. She was just too ruined inside. The correct terminology for her unfortunate situation would be, “barren”. She was damaged goods. The odds of her bearing any children were a one in a million chance. There were far too many factors involved. If she were to become pregnant, not only would the child be endangered, but she as well. There was no way she wanted to put the life of an unborn child in that kind of danger.

Regardless of that fact, she cannot help but feel as if she had failed Jack in some way. She felt very inadequate, almost as if she were not a real woman. Just a semblance of one. He deserved a woman whom was whole and undamaged.

To speak of birth...to touch people's hearts and souls and to awaken that part of humankind that has forgotten that it matters enormously how a baby comes into the world... that is our task as women. Is it not?

If we hope to create a non-violent world where respect and kindness replace fear and hatred, we must begin with how we treat each other at the beginning of life. For that is where our deepest patterns are set. From these roots grow fear and alienation… or love and trust.

Hannah will never know the joy of holding her baby in her arms for the first time. She will never know what it is like to know that she and Jack’s child is growing inside of her, borne from the love that they shared.

She shook her head and sighed, reprimanding herself for thinking this way. It was unhealthy and disastrous to her sanity…the little she had left anyway.

There was no use dwelling on things that could never be.

Evelyn and Camille both shared a knowing look and nodded their heads.

“Wow, I think I need some coffee. How about you Camille?” Evelyn beseeched of her.

Camille nodded her head, “Yeah, that sounds great. I really need to call Jerry and check up on the girls and make sure he’s still alive.” She rolled her eyes and shook her head.

Both Hannah and Evelyn shook their heads amusedly and chuckled aloud.

Camille got up out of her chair and walked over to Lynn’s bedside. She touched the baby’s head gently and gave him a kiss upon his forehead. She rested her hand upon Lynn’s shoulder and leaned down to whisper something indecipherable in her ear.

Lynn smiled and nodded her head.

Evelyn too walked over to Lynn’s bedside. She softly grasped the baby’s hand and shook it gently, saying goodbye to him in a babylike voice. She kissed Lynn atop of her head and whispered, “I’ll be back in a few, all right?”

Lynn nodded her head.

“It’s a really great thing you’re doing, Lynn. You won’t regret it. I guarantee it.” Evelyn whispered to her.

Lynn heaved a laborious sigh, “Lets hope not.”

Hannah’s eyes squinted in confusion at their cryptic words. She only wished that she knew what the hell what they were talking about.

Was Lynn going to keep the baby or not? That seemed to be the unanswered question that lingered on her mind. She would find out soon enough.

Evelyn walked over to Hannah and placed her hand upon her back, caressing it in a comforting manner, “I’ll see how our Jack is holding up as well, okay?”

Hannah smiled and nodded her head.

Evelyn darted her eyes back and forth between the two girls and smiled, “We’ll leave you two girls to chat a little.”

Camille waved and smiled, “Bye girls.” She patted Hannah on the back, “It was good seeing ya again, baby.”

“You too.” Hannah said smiling.

Evelyn grasped Camille’s hand and the two of them vacated the room, leaving the two girls alone to talk.

Hannah walked over to Lynn’s bedside and stood upon her tiptoes. She braced her hands upon the railing and peeked over to get a closer look at her baby.

He was so tiny. He must have weighed no more than five pounds. He was wearing blue long sleeved feetie pajamas that had little teddy bears upon them. It seemed to match perfectly with his hat and the blanket that she wondered if it was some sort of set. His eyes were closed, set in a deep sleep and his little mouth was opening and closing.

She was awe struck as she stared at him. He had to be the most beautiful baby she has ever seen in her entire life.

It may have been too early yet for her to make a full assessment, but all ready she could see Bobby within him.

As if reading her thoughts, Lynn chuckled softly and whispered as not to rouse the baby, “Looks just like him, huh?”

Hannah smiled and nodded sadly, “He’s gorgeous, Lynn. Really he is.”

Lynn nodded her head and smiled, “Yeah…he is. He was determined to come out and see the world too. Stubborn as a damn ox. Just like his daddy.”

Lynn carries his heart with her. She is never without it. Anywhere she goes, he will go. And whatever is done by only she... is his doing. She no longer fears fate... for this child that she holds in arms is her fate. He is the only beautiful and true thing in her world. Here is the deepest secret no one knows. Here is the root of the root. The bud of the bud... and the sky of the sky of a tree called life, which grows higher than the soul can hope... or mind can hide. It is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart.

When she first laid eyes upon her child, he inspired in her two sentiments: Tenderness for what he is, and respect for what he may become, which she hopes to be an honest and good man.

Just like his father Lynn silently thought as she looked down at him smiling softly, gently caressing his cherubic cheek with her finger.

Regardless of that fact, even now, she can see a lot of Bobby within him. Just by looking into his eyes she can see his fierce strength, determination and most of all...beauty. She just wishes that he does not follow the same path in which he inherently followed, but maybe she can be the one whom will make sure that does not happen. She can raise him to be that man she knows Bobby is capable of being, if only he had someone early on to love and care for him the way he should have been.

The way she would have, if only he would have trusted her enough to let her.

Lynn shook her head and sighed deeply, berating herself for thinking such inane and emasculating thoughts. Now was not the time to be thinking about such negative things. This was supposed to be a happy and joyous occasion in a woman’s life and she was going to enjoy it. This was the beginning of her new life. She was no longer going to be bound by the shackles of her past. She was going to look onto the future…with her son.

“Was it a tough birth?” Hannah asked her in a concerned tone.

Lynn looked at her incredulously and scoffed, “You know, I thought this could decimate my love life. Not to mention my threshold for pain is like non-existent. I practically pass out when someone stomps on my foot. I thought I would never be able to survive childbirth!”

Hannah chuckled softly and nodded her head, “Point taken. So, what are ya going to do?”

“What do ya mean?” Lynn beseeched of her confusingly.

Hannah shrugged, “Are ya going to keep him or not?”

Lynn leaned back against the bed, cradling her son to her chest. She cradled his head against her bosom and kissed him atop of his head, “At first I didn’t want him. I thought to myself; How could I take care of a baby when I couldn’t even take care of myself, ya know?”

Hannah nodded her head in understanding.

Lynn shook her head and smiled, “As I began researching suitable couples for my child with Evelyn, the thought of someone else, a stranger having my child calling them mommy…disgusted me. As each day passed and I felt him being to move around and kick inside me, I started to form this bond with him. “ She sighed, “I can’t explain it.”

Hannah bowed her head as tears enveloped in her eyes. Lynn could not be able to explain it to her for only women who have actually experienced it firsthand would understand what she was trying to convey. It will be something Hannah will never be understand nor comprehend.

Lynn smiled through her tears, “And when I first saw his face, I knew then that I could never give him up. As cheesy as it may sound, it was love at first sight.”

Hannah’s eyes widened and she gasped aloud in shock as she lifted her head up. She shook her head in bafflement, “Do ya just say what I thought ya said?”

Lynn nodded her head and smiled, “Yeah…I’m keeping the baby.”

“Are ya sure this is what ya want?” Hannah asked her.

Lynn nodded, “Yeah…I thought long and hard about it and it’s the right thing to do, Hannah. He’s the first thing in my life that I have ever done right. I could never live with myself if I gave him away. I owe this not only to myself, but to…Bobby as well.” She shook her head and sighed, “I know what he went through. What you went through and I never wanna put my child in that kind of potential situation. I have to do this. I need to do this. It‘s high time I grow up and start taking responsibilities for my actions. It was fate me getting pregnant. It was a wakeup call. It was life‘s way of telling me I gotta take control and start getting my life together. Cause it‘s not just me I gotta think about now.”

She gazed down at her son and smiled.

Even though Hannah had tears rapidly cascading down her cheeks, she had a big smile on her face, “I’m so happy for you, Lynn. Have ya told Evelyn that Bobby’s the father?”

Lynn sighed and shook her head, “Not yet, but I will. “

Hannah scoffed, “I’m surprised she didn’t figure it out all ready. There’s nothing getting by that woman.”

A dry laugh escaped from Lynn’s mouth and she nodded her head, “Got that right.”

“What’s his name?” Hannah asked her curiously.

Lynn smiled and answered her by saying, “Wade Robert Wilson.” She shrugged, “I figured since Bobby’s the father, he should at least have his name somewhere, ya know?”

“What are ya gonna do if Bobby ever comes back, Lynn? Ya know he’s gonna wanna know his child. Bobby’s not stupid. He’ll figure it out that it’s his.”

Lynn nodded her head and sighed, “Yeah…” She rolled her eyes, “But I think that’s something I’ll never have to worry about. “ She bowed her head and whispered sadly, “Bobby’s never coming back. I accepted that fact a long time ago.

Hannah bowed her head and remained silent. For what could she say when Lynn’s words were of truth? Nothing or no one could ever bring Bobby back. It has been over eight months and there has not been one word from him of his whereabouts. He had disappeared from their lives to live a life of solitude. It was clearly elucidated to them he liked it that way.

Why is it that adults aren't supposed to go mad about anything? You gotta keep a lid on it. And if you don't then people are apparently entitled to say what they like. "You haven't grown up. You're a moron. Your conversation is trivial and boorish. You can't express your emotional needs. You can't relate to your children. And you die, lonely and miserable. But you know, what the hell, every cloud has a silver lining.

It is moments such as this which remind you of that fact.

TBC…

In the next chapter:

Hannah and Jack back to school…how does it go?

Jack has been keeping a secret from Hannah that could shake the foundation of their relationship.

Will Evelyn find out that Wade is her grandchild?

Lament Chapter 42

Sun, 18 Mar 2007 03:56:41 GMT

Chapter 42: You and Me

"May every sunrise hold more promise, every moonrise hold more peace."
-Anon.

It was here, the day has come. She had actually made it. Today was finally her last day of summer school.

Hannah just cannot believe that she actually had done it. She…Hannah Marie Mercer had completed a full year of high school and in the upcoming year she would be a Junior. Just one year away from graduating. It was just so incredibly difficult for her to fathom nor could she seem to wrap her psyche around the fact that this was happening to her. She was actually living a normal life as a teenager.

Well, for the most part anyway.

She still had a lot of complex issues to work through, but she liked to think of herself as a work in progress.

If there is one valuable lesson she has learned during this year, it is this; life is truly a ride. We're all strapped in, and no one can stop it. As you make your way from youth to adulthood to maturity, sometimes you put your arms up and scream. Sometimes you just hang onto the bar in front of you. but the ride is the thing. She thinks the most you can hope for at the end of life is that your hair is messed up, you're out of breath, and you didn't throw up.

It has only been two months since Amanda’s passing and Hannah was still yet grieving the loss of her dearest best friend. It just felt so weird not having her here, to talk to, to laugh and joke with or just to call and talk about everything or nothing. Amanda was like the sister she has always wanted, but never had.

Until now that is.

Amanda filled that void inside of her that desperately needed to be filled. She was truly the only person, other than Jack of course, which made her feel accepted and appreciated. It was as if it were preordained fate for them to meet. Their time together may have been very brief, but the impression in which Amanda left upon her heat would be everlasting.

When someone you love dies, and you're not expecting it, you don't lose them all at once. You lose them in pieces over a long time - the way the mail stops coming - and their scent fades from the pillows and even from the clothes in their closet and drawers. Gradually, you accumulate the parts of them that are gone. Just when the day comes, when there's a particular missing part that overwhelms you with the feelings that they're gone forever, there comes another day, and another specifically missing part.

We say that the hour of death cannot be forecast, but when we say this we imagine that hour as placed in an obscure and distant future. It never occurs to us that it has any connection with the day already begun or that death could arrive this same afternoon, this afternoon which is so certain and which has every hour filled in advance.

Hannah just has to accept that people are going to stay in our hearts even when they don't stay in our lives.

Can you imagine what it feels like to have someone sit you down and tell you that you're dying? The gravity of that, hmm? Then the clock's ticking for you. In a split second your awe is cracked open. You look at things differently - smell things differently. You savor everything, be it a glass of water or a walk in the park. But most people have the luxury of not knowing when that clock's going to go off. And the irony of it is that that keeps them from really living their life. It keeps them drinking that glass of water but never really tasting it. Sometimes, no matter how much faith we have, we lose people. But we never forget them. It's those memories that give us the strength to go on.

Amanda taught her how to live again. Her eruditions on friendship and love will be something that she will cherish and hold dear in her heart forever, until the time comes for her to join her…whenever that may be.

Unless your heart, your soul, and your whole being are behind every decision you make. The words from your mouth will be empty, and each action will be meaningless. Truth and confidence are the roots of happiness. To do good things in the world, first you must know who you are and what gives meaning to your life. It is only with the heart that one can see rightly, what is essential is invisible to the eye.

There are moments that mark your life. Moments when you realize nothing will ever be the same again, and time is divided into two parts, before this and after this. Now sometimes you can feel such a moment coming, that's the test, or so she tells herself at times like these: strong people keep moving forward anyway, no matter what they're gonna find.

Live each day as if it were your last. Who knows, it may just be.

Hannah practically ran out of school that afternoon. When she got outside, she noticed Evelyn’s car waiting for her.

She shook her head in bafflement and looked at the car perplexingly wondering why in the hell Evelyn was picking her up from school when she was supposed to be at work. Then again, she did sometimes get done early on Fridays, but even so, she would almost always go to the Community Center right afterwards.

Hannah’s eyes widened and her heart began racing at a palpitating speed. An extreme bout of apprehension overwhelmed her.

Could it be that something had happened…again?

Please, don’t let that be so. After everything’s that happened, I don’t think I can handle anything else. She thought silently to herself.

The horn beeping loudly interrupted Hannah’s train of thought.

She shook her head as if in a daze. A wide beaming smile formed upon her face and she sighed in relief when she noticed Jack getting out of the driver’s side door. He smiled and waved at her, which she readily returned.

Jack threw his cigarette onto the ground, walked around to the passenger side of the door and leaned casually against it. He crossed his arms over his chest as he patiently waited for her.

Hannah walked down the pathway in a steadfast pace to meet him.

As soon as she reached him, he opened his arms wide invitingly.

Hannah smiled softly as he wrapped his arms tightly around her waist. She rested her head upon his chest and wrapped her arms around his waist as well. She closed her eyes and sighed wistfully, reveling in the indescribable feeling of being enclosed in his warm embrace. She has never felt more safe in her entire life than she does within his arms. Whenever she is in his presence, it is like everything is all right in her world and absolutely nothing can go wrong. As long as he is by her side, no one can hurt her ever again.

Jack kissed her atop of her head and whispered, “Hey, beautiful.”

Hannah smiled softly, “Hey, yourself.”

He chuckled and wrapped his arms more tightly around her than they all ready were to pull her even more closer to him, if that were humanly possible.

Some luck lies in not getting what you thought you wanted but getting what you have, which once you have got it you may be smart enough to see what you would have wanted had you known.

It feels as if she had unknowingly been searching for him all of her life and has now finally found him. He is like the missing link that has been connected. He had filled places in her heart and soul that have been empty for so very long.

Hannah did not know what love was until she had met him.

Yes, losing your heart's desire is tragic. But gaining your heart's desire? That's all you can hope for. This year she wished for love... to immerse myself in someone else and to wake a heart long afraid to feel. Her wish was finally granted and if having that is tragic, then give her tragedy, because she wouldn't give it back for the world.

It's amazing how all this can be happening. Her whole life is falling apart and yet, every time she talks to him, she stops feeling sorry for herself, and she begins to smile. He always has that effect over her.

When you want to spend every waking moment of every single day with him, and no matter what you're doing, even if you feel like crap, you want to share it with him. When you think of him before you think of yourself, or anything else for that matter. When you want him to know every little thing about you, and you want to know everything about him. When you want to be able to finish his sentences and him finish yours. When you're willing to make yourself miserable looking at cars, or some guy thing he's interested in, just to be him with … to have that extra moment with him that you would not have had otherwise. When he is all that you think of, dream of, and you don't care about anything else but him … that's love.

Her heart beats faster every time he walks by. Her eyes sparkle every time she hears his voice, and she loves him more every time he smiles at her.

God must have had a plan for them, because no matter how hard she tries or no matter what she does, there isn't a time where her life doesn't revolve around him.

And even though they’ve been together for a while, she’s still amazed that he’s hers. Sometimes she looks at him from far away and thinks to herself, wow, that's my boyfriend.

Hannah takes a step back and cupped his face in her hands to look at him, thinking to herself, Look at him! He's so cute, so great, so perfect. I love him so much. When he’s near me, I still get butterflies in my stomach and when he touches me I get the biggest smile on my face. I'm so in love with him.

That love's never going to die…ever.

Jack ran his hands down the length of her hair, idly playing with the edges. He cupped her face in his hands and leaned over, placing a gentle kiss on her lips. Hannah let out a soft groan when she felt his tongue slipping into her mouth. She tentatively touched her own tongue with his and the once sweet and tender kiss became heated and passionate in a matter of milliseconds.

They stood there in broad daylight making out heatedly, not giving a damn whom was watching them. They could care less what people thought about them any longer. From now on, they were going to live their lives by their rules and to hell what everyone else thinks.

If they have learned anything these last couple months is to never take things for granted. Live life to the fullest, regardless of their circumstances. They knew not how much time they had left on this Earth, be it short or long, but whatever it may be, they wanted to share it with one another without any qualms nor reservations. They were through with living in the past.

It was time for them to look onto the future…together.

Whatever their souls are made up of, his and hers are the same…

Unfortunately, oxygen became a factor, causing them to reluctantly pull apart from one another.

Jack rested his forehead against hers in order to get his breathing under control and she did the same. Their breathing was ragged and harsh. Their hearts were thumping so wildly in their chests, it was a wonder they did not break out of their ribcages.

As each day waned on, it was becoming increasingly difficult to restrain themselves around one another. It was so hard for them to maintain their cool, calm and complacent facades and pretend as if that passion, lust and fire was not there whenever they came together.

How can they stay under control and inhibited whenever they touch or kiss one another?

When the habitually even-tempered suddenly fly into a passion, that explosion is apt to be more impressive than the outburst of the most violent amongst us. The passion to get ahead is sometimes born of the fear lest we be left behind. It is a revenge the devil sometimes takes upon the virtuous, that he entraps them by the force of the very passion they have suppressed and think themselves superior to.

There is no running or hiding from passion. It is the very thing which lives inside all of us, but only a few are lucky to meet that one special person in which sparks and kindles it.

Touch passion when it comes your way...It’s rare enough as it is. Don’t walk away when it calls you by name.

They have found that special person in one another. Is it not natural to want to exemplify the love you have for someone physically?

Hannah and Jack are becoming too exhausted to fight this battle any longer. They knew it was just matter of time before they succumbed to the flames. They just could not fully give themselves to one another yet. It was as if something was holding them back.

Hannah knows the only way they will truly be able to give themselves to one another and take their relationship to the next level is if they let go of all their fears and trust one another wholeheartedly.

Only then will they finally be able to have genuine happiness.

She cannot help but wonder when or if that will ever happen.

Were people such as themselves meant for that kind of happiness?

But is not happiness a choice that requires effort at times?

It’s a strange concept.. but sometimes.. no matter how bad her life becomes.. she does nothing to change it... not because she doesn't want it to change.. but because she is so used to being miserable.. She is too afraid to let it get better.

To run it takes the courage of a lamb; to love, the fierceness of a storm.

Jack dropped his hands from her face and sighed, “Come on, lets go. I wanna get on the road fore it gets dark.”

Hannah shook her head in bafflement, “Where we going?”

He smirk and said cryptically, “You’ll see.”

She rolled her eyes and groaned, “Jackie, not another surprise. “ She gripped his shirt, saying in a desperate tone, “Please, tell me where we’re going. Ya know how I hate the suspense.”

Jack shook his head and chuckled softly, “No, you’ll just have to wait until we get there.”

Hannah sighed, “Well, how long will it take to get where we’re going?”

He took a moment of deliberation to carefully think about her question. He shrugged, “Eh, two hours, three hours at the most depending on traffic.”

Her eyes widened and she gasped audibly, “That long?”

Jack nodded his head. He had a Cheshire grin upon his face, almost as if he knew something of monumental importance that she did not.

Where the hell could he be taking me? She pondered to herself.

It was made plainly obvious to her that he was not going to budge anytime soon. The only thing she could do was trust and have faith in him, which she did. Besides, she knew that wherever Jack was taking her, it would be nothing short of amazing and spectacular. He always had the best surprises.

You would never know it by looking at him, but he was so romantic, caring and sweet. He knew exactly how to treat a lady. He treated her with the utmost respect. She has never felt more safe, protected and…loved in all her sixteen years upon this Earth.

You know when she realized that she loved him? It was when she realized that anything that ever happened, good or bad, she wanted to tell him about. He was the first person she wanted to know, and she couldn't wait to tell him, and talk to him, and listen to him. It's like she loves learning new things every time she talks to him.

He's the kind of beautiful that gives you butterflies.

Hannah would walk on coals of hot fire in the depths of hell just to be by his side, for there is no where else in this world she would rather be.

Jack opened the passenger side door for her.

She bowed her head graciously, saying, “Thank ya, kind sir.”

He bowed, “No problem, my lady.

Hannah shook her head bemusedly and chuckled softly as she stepped into the car.

Jack closed her door and walked around to the driver’s side and got into the car as well.

He took a cigarette out of his pocket and lit it. He switched on the ignition and the sounds of The Silversun Pickups, “Lazy Eye” blared out of the speakers.

Jack leaned over and turned down the volume. He averted his attention toward Hannah, “Ya like this band?” He beseeched of her.

Hannah curtly nodded her head in approval, “Yeah, they’re kick ass.”

Jack smiled, “Righteous.” He leaned over and turned the volume up louder.

He extended his arm outward to rest behind Hannah’s seat.

She glanced over at him and noticed he had a feigned look of hurt upon his face. She shook her head, asking him, “What? What’s wrong?”

Jack shrugged and sighed, “I don’t know, sitting kinda far away from me, aren’t ya? Do I smell or something?”

Hannah laughed aloud as he began sniffing his armpits. She shook her head and rolled her eyes, scoffing, “You’re such a dumbass.”

She scooted closer to him and let her head rest in the crook of his underarm. He wrapped his arm tightly around her waist and pulled her closer to him. He looked down at her and whispered, “But I’m your dumbass.”

Hannah nodded and smiled, “Damn right you are.”

Jack bowed his head bashfully as he felt the heat rising in his cheeks. He quickly kissed atop of her head and averted his gaze straight forward, “Well, we should get going. I don’t wanna get there too late.”

She nodded her head, wondering in the hell there was exactly.

Hannah sat up and rested her head upon his shoulder. She decided to just relax and enjoy the ride. She would know soon enough.

Hopefully…

Hannah must have dosed off as they were driving for she felt Jack lightly caressing her cheek in an attempt to wake her.

Her eyelids fluttered open slowly and she found herself face to face with Jack, whom was smiling softly at her.

Hannah lifted her head up from his shoulder and shook it, clearing it out of its sleep addled haze.

“Are we there yet?” She asked him.

Jack stared intensely at her.

He loved the way her voice sounded when awaking from a deep sleep. The husky tone coalesced with her Australian accent had to be the most sexiest sound he has ever heard in his entire life. Some would say that he was somewhat biased in his sentiment, but he had to disagree with them on that one.

Anyone with a pair of eyes could see how incredibly gorgeous she was. Whenever they were out, he could see the way men lecherously stared at her, looking at him with envy and wishing they were in his shoes. Hell, even some women turned their heads. She had this sort of beauty which could not be denied. There was this ethereal light that emanated from her being that drew you to her.

Of course, she may not have been like the other girls and blatantly shoved it into your face. She had this sort of quiet beauty that one would not be able to appreciate at first glance. You had to take the time and look at her, then would you be able to truly see it.

Shit, she is the only beautiful thing in his world.

Jack chuckled softly and nodded, “Yeah…we’re here.”

Hannah turned around and looked out the window, intently staring out of it. Her eyes widened in surprise when she saw what appeared to be a condominium complex of some kind.

She averted her attention back to Jack, “Where are we?”

“Glen Arbor Beach, Michigan. We‘re at a resort called South Beach 20.” He answered.

Hannah nodded, “Are we…staying here?”

He bowed his head and stared intently down at his folded hands upon his lap as if they were the most interesting things in the world.

Jack cleared his throat and curtly nodded his head, “Yeah…I rented…one of the rooms for a few days.”

Hannah’s eyes widened in realization and she too bowed her head bashfully. Her hands were shaking so violently that she sat on them to inconspicuously hide them from him. She could not believe that he had done this. He had actually rented a room for the two of them for a few days. They would be all alone, without any interruptions whatsoever. The thought of that frightened and excited her all at once. To think, just the two of them, away from all the hustle and bustle of everyday life. They could relax and enjoy one another’s company. For just a few short days, they could pretend as if they were an everyday normal couple vacationing. They could be themselves without life’s quandaries getting in the way. They would finally be able to escape the drama and misery and forget about their problems for a short expansive amount of time.

It was suddenly becoming very appealing to her. On the other hand, she was starting to wonder what exactly his intentions were by bringing her here.

Hannah could not help herself but to think that his reasons were malicious. For so long, men had used and discarded her as if she were nothing more than trash. She was nothing more than a play thing to them…an object that they used for their own selfish sexual gratification.

See, therein lies their problem. Maybe it is not the two of them that have issues.

Maybe it is just she whom has the problem.

Jack immediately noticed the distress that came upon her face and sensed how nervous she became all of the sudden.

She scooted over closer to the door, as if wanting to distance herself as far away from him as she could get.

He bowed his head and heaved an anguished sigh. This was not how it was supposed to start out. This was not how he planned it. He meant this mini-vacation to be fun, lighthearted and carefree. He wanted them to both enjoy themselves and escape from the rest of the world for a little while.

They both have endured nothing but pain, anguish and suffering. Wasn’t it about time they had some damn happiness for a change?

All through life, they have been put through the ringer, ten times over. They have been to hell and back again and lived to tell about it. This was their time to enjoy life without having to worry about what comes next, for they knew that whatever insurmountable obstacles came their way, they no longer had to hurdle them alone.

Everyday that goes by, it seems like he discovers something new about her to love. It's incredible to him how one person can make such a big difference in his life. She touches him in a way no one else ever has and given him so many reasons to smile. He’s never been so happy...and he’s never been so in love.

Their love, it's not about what they see. It's only about him and about her and what they feel. She doesn't need to see him smile to know he loves her more than his life itself, and he doesn't need to see the tears forming in her eyes to know that she feels it too.

When he looks at her, it is as if his surroundings blur and she is the only thing that is in focus.

Jack may not be the most brilliant man around, nor the most handsome, brightest and richest. He does not have a lot of things going for him…except Hannah. She is the only thing that is right in all he has done. He’ll be damned if he lets that go.

Not for anything nor anyone. He is no fool.

Well, at least…not anymore.

Dare to look foolish. The real fools are those who never attempt anything. Dare to make mistakes. They are the best teachers you will ever know. Dare to take action. There's a risk you may fail. Yet if you take no action failure is a certainty. Dare to be fully alive. Dare to speak your mind. Dare to enjoy the beauty of the world. Dare to make a difference. Dare to love. Dare to be the person you know you can be. Dare to expect the best, with your words and actions. You'll usually get it. Dare to do what is right rather than what is convenient or expedient. It will truly make a difference in the way you see yourself, and the way others see you. You're here, with this magnificent day available to you. Dare to make it the best you can.

Jack slowly and cautiously rested his hands on her shoulders. He placed a feather light kiss on the back of her head and softly beseeched of her, “Ya all right?”

Hannah nodded, “Yeah…what did Evelyn say about us coming here?”

He shrugged, “She surprisingly was okay with it.” He scoffed, “Shocked the hell outta me. I honestly didn’t think she would go for it, but she thought it was a good idea for ya to get away for a few days. To take ya mind off of things. Ya know, after Mandy…” He trailed off, not wanting to actually say the words for he knew how upset it would make her. The last thing he wanted was for her to start crying.

Jack had vowed to himself that there would be absolutely no crying on this trip. Them coming here was not about that. It was supposed to be about them celebrating life, not about wallowing in their self misery.

Lord knows they did enough of that shit over the years.

She turned around to face him. She cupped his cheek and caressed his cheekbone with the pad of her thumb. She stared at him in idle fascination. Jack met her gaze directly, never once breaking eye contact.

“Why are ya so good to me?” Hannah beseeched of him.

Jack shrugged and said matter-of-factly, “Cause I love ya and would do anything to make ya happy.”

She smiled despite feeling the onslaught of tears threatening to spill from her eyes. She turned around in her seat to face him directly and cupped both of his cheeks in her hands, “But ya don’t have to do things like this to show me ya love me. Ya show me everyday by being there for me whenever I need ya.”

He nodded , “I know that, but I just kinda thought…” He sighed in frustration, wishing he was more eloquent like her in voicing his emotions.

Then again, he was never much of a conversationlist, but it seemed ever since he has hooked up with Hannah, all he ever does is talk. Well, with her anyway. It is because he feels he can be open with her and she will not judge or feel pity toward him like the others. He can talk to her about damn near anything and she always understands. No matter what it may be pertaining to.

When he talks, she listens and hears the things he can't say. When he reaches out, she is there for him--always there when he needs her. When he stumbles and falls, her arms open wide and lift him to his feet. When he laughs, a smile lights up her face, and before long, they're laughing together. She is his partner, his love, and most of all… his very best friend.

Forever…

As always, Hannah seemed to completely understand what he was trying to convey. She leaned over and kissed his forehead, whispering in his ear, “Thank ya, baby for bringing me here.” She rested her forehead against his, “We love each other and that's all there is to it. Whatever happens we have to believe in each other. If we don't believe in each other then we are lost in this.”

Jack smiled and nodded, “I just hope ya don’t think I brought ya here to…”

She smiled, saying in a jovial manner, “Hey, if ya can’t say it, you’re not ready for it.”

He chuckled softly and shook his head, “Fucking little smartass. “ He bowed his head ashamedly, whispering, “Oh, I’m ready for it, sweetheart. That’s the problem.”

Hannah’s eyes widened in shock by his admission. She nodded her head, “I think we both are, Jackie.” She shook her head and sighed, “I mean, how can we not be?”

Jack nodded his head and let out an incredulous sigh.

“But I don’t think that we should stress about it. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn’t…well…then…” She shrugged, “That’s okay too. We should let nature just take it’s course, ya know? I don’t wanna force it.”

He nodded his head, “Neither do I.”

Hannah leaned over and kissed him quickly, “So, lets go and see what ya paid for, huh?”

Jack smiled, “Yeah, I’m a little curious myself to see what the inside looks like. All I know about it is from what I saw on the internet and brochures.”

She looked out the window and shrugged, “The outside looks pretty nice.”

He nodded, “Yeah, it does.” He opened his car door and ran around to Hannah’ side to open hers.

She stepped out of the car and gasped aloud by how beautiful it was. Never has she seen anything more beautiful in her life.

The Homestead Resort is an exclusive resort community located on the eastern shore of Lake Michigan's Sleeping Bear Bay. This waterfront playground is in the middle of Sleeping Bear Dunes National Lakeshore, near the small resort town of Glen Arbor. The Homestead sits amidst 220 acres of wooded land, on over a mile and a half of Lake Michigan beach, with the Crystal River winding through the resort.

The complex was only three stories high and there were balconies on the second and third floors. The entire building was painted in pristine white and the shutters on the windows along with the gutters were painted in an ocean blue.

The complex was secluded by dozens of tall oak trees. It seemed to be hidden and tucked away in the nook of a forest.

The only sources of light were lamplights which were situated all upon the grounds, illuminating the resort in a soft amber glow. It gave it a more laid back and relaxed feeling. There was this incredible warmth inside of her chest just being in this place. It gave off some very good vibes.

Hannah also noticed what appeared to be a trail of some kind. She craned her neck upward to get a closer look. Her eyes widened and she gasped aloud in shock when she noticed that the trail led toward to a beach.

That meant the resort was located directly upon the beach. How perfectly convenient was that?

That meant our room has an ocean view. She thought to herself in awe.

Jack walked over and stood beside her, “So, ya like it?”

Hannah nodded her head. She cupped his face in her hands and planted a huge kiss on his lips, “I love ya so much, ya know that right?”

He bowed his head bashfully to hide his crimson stained cheeks from her and nodded, “Yeah…well. Like I said, ya deserve it.”

She shook her head, “Nah, we both do.”

Jack scoffed and nodded, “Damn right. I’m gonna go to the registration office and get the key. Ya wait here, all right?”

Hannah nodded.

He gave her a quick peck on her cheek, “I won’t be long.”

She shook her head, “That’s fine, go. I‘ll be all right.”

Jack nodded and reluctantly walked away from her. He never felt comfortable with leaving her by herself, especially in strange and unknown places. That was very understandable considering what she has been through.

Hannah smiled softly as she watched him walking away from her. She shook her head and sighed. What had she done to deserve someone such as Jack? He is everything she has ever dreamed about and more. It is as if she falls more and more in love with him every day.

When she looks into his eyes, she sees forever. She sees warmth and safety. She sees two hearts beating together for each other, for the rest of their lives.

People always say that they are always looking for their special someone and she cannot help but feel as if she had found hers. So many search their entire lives, incessantly looking for the one who completes them, mind, body and soul. The one whom makes their heart race whenever they’re in one another’s presence. Hannah considers herself one of the lucky ones, for she found that person early in her life.

The only thing she regrets so far in her life is the many times she looked past him. The times she only saw him as a friend and not as someone who could make her unbelievably happy.

Jack is like a dream that hasn’t ended and if it is, she never wants to wake.

Jack made good on his promise and was back in no more than five minutes.

Hannah crossed her arms over her chest and shook her head amusedly as she watched him walking up to her. His attire looked so out of place in an establishment such as this.

He a black trucker hat on . It was situated atop of his head and was slightly crooked and he was wearing his sunglasses. He was wearing baggy denim jeans that had holes at the knees and looked a little worse for wear. He was also wearing a leather belt with a rather large silver belt buckle that was in the shape of a skull. The ends of his jeans were tucked into unlaced combat boots and they too were beat up and weathered looking. A black short sleeved shirt completed his outfit. She also noticed that he was wearing what appeared to be beads around his neck. They were the most beautiful pair of beads she has ever seen in her life. They were a deep blood red and seemed to be made of pure glass. She wondered if he wore them for mere fashion or another reason. Maybe it was a mixture of both.

With a cigarette clamped between his lips, Jack looked every bit like a rock star. He looked as if he had just stepped off of a Rolling Stone Magazine shoot. He was so ruggedly handsome and had such a keen fashion sense. What made his look even more hip was that he did not even try to look cool or sexy. He just was those things.

Hannah was the complete opposite of Jack. She dressed far more conservatively. If she had to categorize her attire in a particular fashion, it would most likely be preppy. In her former profession, she was always wearing clothing that looked more like lingerie rather than suitable outer wear. You had to dress like that. It was a necessity. You had to show the men what they were paying for, you know? It left absolutely nothing to the imagination. It felt good to be covered up and not have to walk out of the house in her underwear.

On the outside looking in, they looked so mismatched and wrong for each other, like polar opposites. But if you knew them personally, you would have a completely different perspective. You would say that they were suited for one another in every sense of the word.

But they did not know them, nor ever will. They did not care what others thought of them. All they cared about was what they had and that was one another. To hell with what everyone else thinks. They do not have to prove themselves to anyone but each other, which was everything.

When Jack reached her, he shook his head and chuckled.

“What?” Hannah asked him curiously.

He took a deep drag of his cigarette, “Ya shoulda seen the lady’s face at the desk. When she seen me, she almost fuckin died. “ He shook his head and rolled his eyes, “Sorry, I took so long. She felt the need to read me the rules and regulations of the place. I guess she thinks that I’m gonna party or trash the room or something..”

Hannah shook her head and chuckled softly, “Did ya tell her it was just me and you?”

He nodded, “Yeah.”

She shrugged, “Well, I can understand where she’s coming from.”

Jack nodded and arched his eyebrow, “Oh, yeah? Why is that?”

Hannah smiled, “Well, you are a rockstar.”

His cheeks blushed crimson and shook his head, “Not yet.”

“But you will be” She said in a matter-of-fact tone.

Jack smiled at her. Even now, it never ceased to fathom him how she could have so much faith in him. She believes in him so much. He only wishes that he can live up to that man she inspires him to be.

“By the way, I called Ma to let her know we made it here all right. She told me to tell ya that she hopes ya have fun, but not too much fun”

Hannah blushed and shook her head, chuckling softly.

He rolled his eyes, “And that she loves ya.” He snapped his fingers,” Oh, yeah, she hopes ya like your bathing suit too.” He dug into his jean pocket and handed her a key, “Here, go on and open the door. I’ll get the bags.”

Hannah’s eyes widened and she gasped aloud “Damn, I can’t believe I forgot about clothes. What am I gonna do?”

He shrugged and smirked, “Oh well, just walk around naked. In fact, I would prefer it.”

She rolled her eyes and sighed, “Perve…besides. I don’t think ya want the whole world seeing my goods, huh?”

Then again, who hasn’t seen them? She reminded herself bitterly.

Jack shook his head, “Nope. No way.” He met her gaze directly, piercing her soul with that intense stare of his, “Only me.”

Hannah bowed her head to hide her blush.

He grinned. He loved getting her all flushed and flustered. She looked so adorable when she blushed. Then again, she looked adorable just standing there. Everything about her was beautiful to him. There was nothing about her that needed to be changed, nothing he wanted to. She was utterly perfect to him.

Jack playfully bumped her shoulder, “Hey, don’t worry bout it. I got it covered. Ma packed a few bags for ya. Ya got enough clothes and shit to last for three days.”

Hannah nodded and sighed in relief. It astounds her of all the things Evelyn does for her. She filled that void in her life that her mother’s passing had left. In many ways, she truly was like her mother. Hannah would forever be grateful for everything that woman has done for her.

For what they both did.

Jack was getting the bags out of the trunk when Hannah asked him, “What floor is it?”

He craned his head upward over the trunk door, “The first floor. Room five.”

Hannah smiled, “Thanks, Jackie.”

Jack just nodded his head and continued his task of getting the bags out of the trunk.

When Hannah opened the door and walked into the dwelling, she gasped aloud, her eyes widening in surprise.

She clamped a hand over her mouth to contain her squeal. It was incredibly gorgeous inside.

The living room was almost the size of theirs at home, maybe a little smaller. The walls were painted a seashell white that contrasted beautifully with the tan plush carpeting. The furnishing was minimal with only the necessities; a gray plaid polyester recliner with a matching loveseat and couch. There was a tall lamp conveniently placed next to the recliner and a wooden table was situated next to the couch with another lamp upon it as well. There was also an oblong coffee table that had a beautiful freshly picked bouquet of wildflowers in a crystal vase placed in the middle of it. She also noticed a television located in the far back of the room, placed in between the two large windows, situated upon a wooden stand.

Hannah walked further into the living room and found herself standing in what appeared to be a small dining room. It too had an oblong shaped wooden table with three chairs placed around it with three place mats that were in the shape of seashells in front of each chair. There was also a very beautiful painting hanging above the table of a small sailboat sailing upon the calm sea during a bright and sunny day.

The furnishing was very minimal, which she very much liked. It gave the space a more opened and light cheerful feel. It had a very homey and country feel to it. She felt really welcomed and comfortable here.

She walked through what was obviously the kitchen. The walls were painted a canary yellow as was the counter and refrigerator. The tan colored lineolium floors matched perfectly with the color scheme, as did the wooden cabinets. She had to admit the kitchen was very small, but she could care less.

It was not as if they would be spending much time in the kitchen anyway. It was not as if they could cook. No, let her correct herself. She could not cook. She was very disastrous in the kitchen. Seroiously, she could burn water. Jack, surprisingly was a very good cook. He had made meals for them on plenty of occasions. Not just t.v. dinners and macaroni and cheese either. Real home cooked meals such as meatloaf and spaghetti and meatballs. Evelyn had really taught him well.

As if he was not fuckin perfect enough Hannah thought to herself.

She walked down the hallway and quickly looked into the bathroom, switching on the light. It was very small and was also painted in a canary yellow. She was beginning to wonder if Big Bird was their interior decorator. The shower curtain was an off white with red, pink, blue and purple colored seashells upon it. Studio lights were situated over the sink. The bath was a little on the small side and was most likely just used for showering.

Hannah shrugged and turned off the light, heading towards the very end of the hall to where the bedroom was located.

She opened up the door and switched on the light as she slowly and cautiously walked into the room.

The bedroom was almost the size of her own, maybe a little bit bigger. The walls were painted white and the plush carpets were a salmon color. A tall oak wooden bureau with five drawers was situated against the wall in front of the bed. There was an oblong mirror hanging above it. The width of the mirror was as long as the bureau was. There was also a small television set placed atop of it. The bureau must have been just recently polished for it shined beautifully and magnificently. It looked very antiquish for the handles upon the bureau held a very old adage look to them. The glazed paint upon the bureau looked to be done recently.

Hannah would have never known that useless piece of knowledge if it were not for Bobby making her watch all those home improvement shows on TLC.

She was also very happy to see that there was a large window in the room right next to the bed, giving you a perfect view of the ocean and the beach. She could almost imagine her and Jack lying in the bed, enjoying the stillness of the night, looking out at the ocean. It was so idyllic and romantic. It was everything she has ever dreamed and hoped for, but never dared to believe it could happen to someone like she.

There was also two small wooden tables located upon each sides of the bed with lamps upon them both. Pale blue table cloths were draped upon them, reaching all the way down the floor and she noticed that at the bottom they were draped with lace chiffon. They really paid attention to little details in this place.

Evelyn would love a place like this. Hannah thought to herself.

Her gaze then fell onto the king sized bed. It had to be the most biggest bed she has ever seen in her life. Believe her, she has seen plenty. If it were not Jack sleeping with her, she would most like get lost in it. It was situated high atop of the floor that she would probably have to climb up it just to get in bed. There was a wooden frame situated atop of the bed to go with the rest of the décor. It was intricately designed with floral patterns and looked to be an antique as well. The bedding was a dark blue with a pretty floral pattern and there were over five pillows upon the bed.

Never has she seen anything so extravagant in her life. It was so hard to believe that for three days she and Jack would be staying here…all alone. While it was true that they have been sleeping in the same bed for almost three months, but this was a totally different scenerio. When they were at home, their time with one another was limited and there were a lot of boundaries they needed to respect for they were not the only ones in the house. They both had a very deep and profound respect for Evelyn and did not want to dissappoint her in anyway, but this was entirely new territory for them. Here, there was no one they needed to worry about. There would be absolutely no interruptions, it would just be the two of them.

Hannah’s eyes widened in realization pertaining to the extremity of the situation. Her hands began to violently quiver once again and her heart fluttered wildy and erratically in her chest. She has never been so nervous in her entire life. To think, that she was frightened to death of sex. It was such a contradicting thought considering that she made her living fucking guys for money.

She shook her head adamantly, thinking to herself. No, it’s not the same. Jack’s not like the others. Jack cares about me. Jack loves me. He would never do anything to hurt me.

Hannah jumped and gasped in fright when she felt Jack wrapping his arms around her waist from behind, clasping his hands upon her abdomen. He laid his chin upon her shoulder and gave her a feather light kiss on her neck, whispering huskily in her ear, “So, what’d ya think? Pretty nice, huh?”

She smiled and nodded, “Yeah, it really is. Forgive me for asking, but where did ya get the money to afford a place like this?”

Jack shook his head and shrugged, “Royalties from the band. Just one of the perks of being a third class rockstar.”

Hannah chuckled softly, “Third class my ass. “ She craned her head upward to look at him, “Didn’t I tell ya to stop being modest? It doesn’t suit you.”

He nodded, “Oh yeah, that’s right. I got a reputation to keep up after all.”

Jack pulled Hannah closer to him, making her butt come into direct contact with his groin. He began kissing the side of her neck and flicking his tongue out quickly to taste her skin. She closed her eyes and bit her bottom lip to stifle her groan. She shifted her neck farther to the side in order to give him better access as he continued ravaging her neck with his teeth, lips and tongue.

He nuzzled his nose in her hair and groaned softly, whispering in a husky tone, “Shit, ya taste and smell so goddamned good, Hannah.” His hands that were resting upon her abdomen slowly began inching their way under her shirt to caress the skin that lie underneath.

Hannah kept her eyes tightly closed and relied on mere touch alone as she felt his calloused fingers caressing her scar, rubbing it in idle circles. It never ceased to bring tears to her eyes whenever he touched her scar. Never once did he flich or cower away from it. He never let an opportunity pass to lavish it with kisses and caresses. It was as if he worshipped it. He had this way to make her feel like the most beautiful and sexiest woman in the world. He did not even have to touch her nor say a word for her to feel those things. All he had to do was look at her with that intense and piercing gaze of his.

Whenever she was in his presence she felt as if she could be anything, almost like she were invincible. It was an indescribable feeling that only women whom ever been in love before can truly understand.

Jack makes her feel so pretty and amazing. He looks at her like no one else ever has and he gives her this feeling inside that she lives for. He ignites something inside of her heart that no one has ever been able to light. He makes everyday better someway. It can be something as simple as telling her she looks nice, telling her he loves her, smiling or holding her hand, or just those little comments he says. She loves him for a million reasons. All the paper in the world wouldn't be able to hold all the reasons why she loves him. All she can tell you is that she loves him with everything she has and always will.

If she feels all of these things, why can she not give herself over to him completely?

Jack gently rubbed his groin flush against her backside, letting her feel how aroused he was. He gazed downward to see what kind of reaction he gauged from her and a perplexing look etched into his features. That was not the kind of reaction he was hoping for at all. Her eyes were tightly closed and she seemed to have a grimace on her face. It did not seem to be of pleasure either. It looked more as if she were in pain than anything. Her hands were clasped in front of her and they seemed to shaking. In fact, her entire body seemed to be shaking, not from passion, but due to fear. As much as she may have been trying to hide it, there was nothing she could hide from him. He knew fear when he saw it.

His eyes widened and he abruptly halted his movements.

Jack shook his head and heaved an anguished sigh, Good going, asshole. Now ya fuckin gone and scared her. He silently berated himself.

He took his hands out from under her shirt and dropped his arms to his sides. He took off his hat and threw it over onto the table and ran shaky hands through his disheveled hair. He scrubbed his hands tiredly over his face and sighed.

Jack rested his forehead against the back of her head and whispered, “I’m sorry. I got carried away. I didn’t mean to make ya feel uncomfortable.”

Hannah shook her head, “Ya didn’t make me feel uncomfortable.” She sighed and scoffed, knowing that her attempts at lying would be futile.

There was nothing she could get by Jack. He could see right through her. Evelyn would always joke and say that they had ESP when it came to one another. Maybe in a lot of ways, she was right. They were both very inept and attuned to each other’s thoughts and emotions. They knew exactly what the other was thinking without even saying a word. All they had to do was look into one another’s eyes and they knew. It was that simple. They were not only romantically involved, they were also the best of friends. They knew everything there was to know about each other. Yet it seemed as if each day waned on, they discovered something new and exciting about one another.

Everyday was a learning experience for them and they were apt pupils.

He grasped her shoulders and slowly turned her around to face him. He cupped her chin and lifted her head to directly meet his gaze, “Hey, didn’t I say that I would never want to force ya into anything? Ya think I wasn’t listening to what ya said in the car?”

Hannah shook her head, saying in an adamant tone, “No, that’s not it at all.” She sighed in exacerbation, wishing she could fully exemplify what she was trying to convey to him. Yet again it seemed as if her mind was drawing a blank, which it had a habit of doing in situations such as this.

“Then what’s the problem.?” He asked her.

She pointed to her chest with her index finger, “Me, I’m the problem, Jackie. I just feel so…” She shrugged, “I don’t know…I guess I feel…” She trailed off and bowed her head, not finishing what she wanted to say for she was too ashamed and embarrassed.

“What is it? Tell me.” He said to her in a persistent tone.

Hannah sighed. She mind as well tell him. He was going to figure it out anyway. There was no use lying to him, but after so many years of living a lie. It is just so difficult to live up to the truth. Truth is a very scary and dangerous thing when you think about it. The sheer power of it is monumental. So many lives have been viciously taken and sacrificed in sake of truth.

Her soul was one of them…

She shook her head, “I feel so inadequate, like I can’t give you what ya need.”

Jack looked at her incredulously. He cupped her cheeks, forcing her to look at him. She hesitantly obeyed, cautiously looking into his eyes, “Where the hell is this shit coming from, huh? Why would ya even think of yourself like that?”

Hannah shrugged and casted her gaze downward, “After so many years of hearing it. Ya kinda start believing it.”

He gritted his teeth and his jaw locked in anger. It always enraged him to think of what all those men of her past had done to her. How the fuck could someone hurt such a sweet, caring and beautiful girl? How could someone be so cruel and break her spirit? Take away her dignity and innocence without once giving it a second thought? How the hell could those bastards sleep at night and live with themselves knowing what they had done to her? That was an easy question to answer. It was because they did not care about anyone else but themselves. As long as they got what they wanted. They did not care whom they hurt. He had learned that hard lesson early on through firsthand experience.

Why did Hannah have to endure such pain to learn about the horrors and monstrosities of humanity?

Jack took his hands away from her face and reached down, clapsing both of her tiny hands in his large ones, resting them against his chest.

He smiled softly at her, “ How could anyone ever tell you that you're anything less than beautiful? How could anyone tell you that you're anything less than whole? How could anyone fail to notice that your loving is a miracle? How you're deeply connected to my soul? Did you think that there was any way that you would fall in love with me? Did you ever imagine that everyone would say we were perfect for each other? I did, and that's why I didn't give up after months of fighting for you. How many times do I have to tell you that I love you for you to understand that I'll never let go? You’re it for me, Hannah.I don’t want anybody else…ever. I can say that without uncertainty. I don’t want ya to ever think that you’re not good enough for me, do ya understand? “

Hannah nodded her head, smiling through her tears.

“You’re fucking everything I could ever want. Never once did I think I would have someone like you in my life, but now that I have ya. I am never gonna let you go. “ He sighed, taking a deep breath and continued, “Don’t ya see what ya do to me? Don’t ya feel it?” He shook his head, “Ya fucking drive me so crazy I can barely think straight. But I’ll wait for ya until you’re ready, cause laying next to ya is enough for me. “

She slowly lifted her head and smiled as she looked at him in awe, wondering what in the world she had done to be worthy of such an incredible person. Whatever it may be, it must have been something damn good.

Jack cupped her face in his hands and wiped her tears away with the pads of his thumbs, “Now, I don’t want to hear no more of that talk, ya understand me? And I forbid ya to cry the rest of the time we‘re here. Are we clear?” His voice was gentle, yet stern and very commanding.

Hannah chuckled softly and nodded her head.

Hannah cries…lot. She cries because she never thought it would all turn out this way. The way that she always dreamt of when she was a little girl. The way she thought it would never be. She cries because it's all just so amazing. She’s finally happy with who she is, and most importantly whom she has.

Jack leaned down and gave her chaste kiss on the lips. He glanced over at the clock and sighed, “Damn, its nine all ready.” He averted his attention back toward Hannah, beseeching of her, “Ya wanna walk the boardwalk or something?”

Hannah shook her head, “Nah, I’m not really in the mood for a crowd.”

He nodded, “Me neither. Ya wanna talk a walk along the beach? The beach surrounding the resort is secluded only for paying customers only. It’s really private so there may not be a lot of people around.”

“Sounds great.” Hannah said.

Jack sighed, “Okay then, Just let me get a quick shower and change, all right?”

She smiled and nodded her head.

As soon as he walked out of the room, Hannah plopped down onto the bed and sighed.

She smiled and shook her head, chuckling to herself.

It looked as if this was going to be a very interesting trip.

GO ONTO NEXT PART…

ch42 cont

Sun, 18 Mar 2007 03:54:37 GMT

Hannah and Jack were walking hand in hand on the beach. They both chose to remain silent and enjoy the solace and comfort of being in one another’s company.

It was a cool summer night on account of the breeze from the water. Thankfully, the beach was practically deserted expect for a few couples walking along the sandy shore. It looked as if they too had the same exact idea in mind.

Hannah looked out into the murky blank ink darkness of the lake in wondrous awe. It was so beautiful, it almost brought tears to her eyes. The expansive body of water seemed endless, as if it were almost cascading down onto the ends of the Earth. The night sky was clear so that she could see all the stars. They looked like diamonds shining brilliantly down upon the ocean, casting it within an ethereal illuminescence. The soft glow of the moon was their only source of light. This had to be the most enchanting and romantic moment of her life…hands down. What made it even more special was that she was sharing it with the man whom she loved. She knows that whatever else extraordinary may happen to her in this lifetime, nothing on Earth could compare to this moment.

Imagine a future moment in your life where all your dreams come true. You know, it's the greatest moment in your life and you get to experience it with one person. Who's standing next to you?

She looked over at Jack and smiled softly.

There was something different about him this evening. He looked so incredibly handsome. He had changed into another pair of jeans and a loose fitting gray t-shirt. His hair was still wet from the shower and it was slicked back. He looked so relaxed and…carefree. His facial features weres slack and devoid of that glare she was always used to seeing on his face. He looked almost like a little boy, but as her eyes roamed unashamedly up and down his body, she quickly realized he was anything but.

As if sensing her gaze upon him, Jack looked over at her and smiled. He slowly and cautiously wrapped his arm around her shoulder, bringing her closer to his side. She wrapped her arm around his waist as well and rested her head in the crook of his neck. She smiled softly and let out a contented sigh. He was right, they did need this. This had to be the happiest she has ever remembered being. Nothing could compare to how genuinely happy she is at this moment. As sacrilegious as it may seem, not even her parents rising from the dead could make her feel more happy.

If she has learned anything this past year it's that love holds some sort of healing power. This year has been a living nightmare, but he was always there. He always managed to bring a smile to her face in the toughest of times. And for that, She loves him to a depth unimaginable. She is completely convinced that will never stop. She is in love with the things she sees in his face. It is something that time and memory could never erase.

Jack placed a gentle kiss atop of her head and smiled. He closed his eyes momentarily and sighed wistfully. Being here with her makes him feel so alive, so carefree and peaceful.

He shook his head.

No, it has absolutely nothing to do with the locale, but more to do with the girl beside him.

He feels so lucky to have her. She is by far the best blessing God has ever given him and he’s so happy that he gave her to him to love. Even though he feels he doesn't deserve all that she is to him and all that she does for him, he wants her to know that he is so very grateful for her. He’s so grateful for all the wonderful memories they have shared throughout this year: all the smiles, laughter and even the tears. Loving her has made his life come alive. Some people go through life and never live it: He means REALLY live it. But he thanks God that He let him really live his life to the fullest by giving him her. She lights up his world and shows him things he never dreamed he'd see. He was given a second chance at life.

No longer is he going to deny himself of this feeling, this love. All the pain, misery and sorrow ends…tonight. They have closed the book on their old life and now it is time to for them to write the first chapter of their new life…together.

Jack wants to spend the rest of his life proving to Hannah how much he loves her and how much she means to him. He just hopes that she does not shoot him down. He does not think his heart could take that kind of painful and stinging rejection. It would be the final straw. The one thing that would inherently send him over the edge.

“Are ya happy?” He whispered to her.

She nodded and smiled, “Very…thank you for bringing me here, Jackie. It’s so beautiful.”

Jack shook his head, “You’re beautiful.”

Hannah bowed her head, feeling the heat rise to her cheeks and shook her head in disbelief.

“Ya wanna sit down?” He asked her.

She nodded, “Yeah, where?”

Jack pointed toward a lone small oak tree oddly situated in the middle of the beach, “How about there?”

Hannah nodded, “Yeah, all right.”

It looked so out of place for it was the only tree upon the whole entire beach, almost as if it were outcasted. It many ways, it was like a paradox to their own lives. They were unwanted outcasts, shunned and ostracized by the world due to their unfortunate circumstances. The only time they felt as if they truly belonged was when they met when one another. It seemed as if everything in their lives finally came into place.

Hannah and Jack walked over to the tree and sat down under it. The beach was now completely deserted, leaving just the two of them. They could hear the sounds of music wafting off the edulation of the water. It was most likely coming from the neighboring resort. That was why Jack had chosen South Beach 20 for them to visit. The resort attracted more elderly patrons looking to get away from the chaotic and raucous city life and enjoy the quiet and peaceful outdoors. He would not be surprised if most of the guests were in bed all ready.

They both sat there, once again remaining silent.

He stared at Hannah as if in awe. She looked utterly beautiful under the moonlight. It was casting upon the palor of her porcelain skin, giving her an almost ethereal glow. Her copper gold hair tumbled over her shoulders, shining brilliantly as if she were wearing a halo of fire.

Hannah was wearing a simple pale blue tank top and khaki knickers, but yet she managed to look incredibly gorgeous.

Hell, she could wear a trash bag and still look beautiful. He thought to himself.

Jack ran his hands through his hair and let out a shaky sigh.

She looked over at him and immediately noticed the distress deeply etched into his features.

Hannah placed her hand upon his back and caressed it in a comforting manner. “What’s the matter, Jackie?” She asked him concernedly.

Jack sighed and shook his head, “It’s nothing.”

She chuckled softly, “Hey now, practice what ya preach.”

He smiled and shook his head, “Really, it’s nothing. I’m just…happy.”

“So am I.” Hannah said, smiling.

“Are ya really?” Jack asked her.

She smiled and nodded her head, “Of course I am. I’m here with you, silly man.”

He bowed his head and smiled. His fear seemed to completely dissipate at her words. He reached into his pocket and grasped what he had been keeping a well guarded secret for over a month now, but was just waiting for the right moment to give it to her.

What could be more right than this moment?

Jack extended his hand outward and whispered, “Here, this is for ya.”

Hannah looked at his closed fist perplexingly, wondering what in the hell he was holding. Her eyes widened and she clamped her hand over her mouth when he slowly opened his hand, revealing the item to her.

She could not believe what she was staring at. She could not actually fathom that he had thought her worthy of such a gift. It had to be the most beautiful piece of jewelry she had ever seen in her life. What made it even more so was she knew how much love there was behind it.

The ring was a silver band and in the middle was two small silver hands clasping a heart shaped emerald…her birthstone. An intricately designed small silver crown was surmounting the top of the emerald. She recognized the design immediately, but could not seem to remember the name of it.

Jack kept his head bowed as she took the ring out of his hand.

She shook her head in disbelief as tears fell from her eyes, “Jack, this is absolutely gorgeous.”

He sighed in relief and smiled softly, “I’m glad ya like it.”

Hannah nodded, “I do. I don’t think anyone has ever given me anything this beautiful.”

“Well, ya deserve it.” He said matter-of-factly.

She shook her head in disbelief as he took the ring out of her hands, “Ma helped me pick it out. It’s called the Claddagh ring. The hands represent friendship, the heart represents love and the crown…loyalty. Traditionally, if the ring is on the right hand with the heart facing outward and away from the body, this indicates that the person wearing the ring is not in any serious relationship, and may in fact be single and looking for a relationship: "their heart is open." When worn on the right hand but with the heart facing inward toward the body, it means the person wearing the ring is in a relationship, or that” He bowed his head bashfully and whispered, "Someone has captured their heart". A Claddagh worn on the left hand ring finger facing outward away from the body generally indicates that the wearer… is engaged. “

Hannah nodded and softly beseeched of him, “How should I wear mine?”

Jack looked at her in wide-eyed shock. He stared at her fiercely, piercing her with his intense gaze. He shook his head, “However way ya want to.” His voice sounded foreign to him and his hands were starting to shake due to nervousness and he was becoming flustered. Perspiration beads were forming upon his brow, which he knew had nothing to do with the summer weather.

“What do you want it to symbolize?” She asked him.

Jack sighed deeply and took her left hand. He took the ring out of her hand and slipped it onto her ring finger, facing it outward away from her body. Never once did he break eye contact from her.

Hannah’s eyes widened and she gasped aloud in shock as the tears began flowing freely from her eyes.

He felt tears threatening to spill from his own eyes as he chuckled softly. He cupped her cheek, “Hey, I thought I said no tears.”

She shook her head and laughed, “These are good tears, I promise. So does this mean what I think it means, Jack?”

Jack nodded his head and sniffed roughly, “Yeah…it does. I know we may be young yet and not ready for such a big step, but I know that you’re the one I wanna spend the rest of my life with. Ever since I was young I never understood anything about the world, and I never understood anything that happened in my life. The only thing that ever made sense to me was you, and how I felt about you.” He nodded his head, “ That's all I've ever known and that's enough, that's enough for me, for the rest of my life. I thought that it mattered what I said or where I said it. Then I realized the only thing that matters is that you… that you make me happier than I ever thought I could be and if you let me I will spend the rest of my life trying to make you feel the same way.”

Hannah shook her head in disbelief, “But you hardly know me. “

He sighed and waved his hand dismissively in the air, “Bullshit, Hannah. I know everything I need to know. Just as you know everything about me. I need you and you don't know how hard that is for me to accept, but it's a whole hell of a lot easier than trying to imagine my life without you. “ He took both of her hands in his own, placing them upon his lap, “These last couple months just taught me to never take life for granted. Never take you for granted. You changed me in so many ways, for the better. I’d be dead right now if it wasn’t for you. I love you so much, Hannah. “ He met her gaze directly, asking her in a desperate tone, “Please, say you’ll marry me…please, baby. I’m nothing without ya.”

Hannah stared at him as if in shell shock. She had no clue as to how to react. Was this not supposed to be the happiest moment in a young girl’s life? This was meant to be the moment that every girl fantasizes about and wishes for, is it not?

They’ve lived too long, seen too much. To live on, as they have, is to leave behind joy, love, and companionship because they know it to be only transitory; of the moment. They know it will turn to ash. Only those whose lives are brief can believe that love, is eternal. They should embrace that remarkable illusion. It may be the greatest gift they have ever received

The trouble is you can't buy people's love. They either give it to you, or they don't.

There are no shortcuts, in life or in love. This pain must be felt. The alternative is much worse. It's what makes us special, what makes us beautiful, what makes us worthy; the pain of how we love. But that pain is accompanied by something else, isn't it? Hope. With their pain, there is hope. And that is where they are. Somewhere between agony, optimism and prayer. They’re human. They’re alive. That is what they have and what they have right now is one another.

Hannah smiled through her tears, “I wanna wait until we finish high school and get our lives together..”

Jack’s eyes widened in surprise and he gasped aloud, “Are ya fucking kidding me? Did ya just say yes?”

She nodded her head, “Yes…yes. I’ll marry ya, Jackie. “ She cupped his cheeks and whispered, “I wasn't sure this day would ever come, but you were. I wasn't sure love could survive everything we put it through, but you were. You were always strong and always sure. And now I know I want you to stand beside me for the rest of my life. That's what I'm sure of. “

He placed his hands upon hers that were resting on his face, “Please, don’t fucking play games with me like this. Don’t say yes unless you’re sure.”

Hannah shook her head, “I am. I want to marry ya. What we have goes beyond friendship, beyond lovers, it's forever. That’s the only thing I am sure of. I love ya, sweetheart…with everything in me.”

“And I love ya too, so goddamn much.” Jack replied without hesitation…not anymore.

She rested her forehead against his and chuckled softly, “We’re gonna have a hell of a time explaining this one to Evelyn. It’s gonna be kinda complicated on account of you’re technically my brother.”

Jack closed his eyes and groaned, “Hannah.”

She chuckled, “Well, ya are. I know for a fact that it‘s illegal.” She shook her head and heaved and anguished sigh, “I mean, we may not be related by blood, but legally we’re…”

Jack placed his finger on her lips to silence her, “Hey, don’t worry bout it. We’ll find a way.” He shrugged, “It’s not that big of a deal…really. It’s not like we grew up together, ya know?”

Hannah nodded and smiled, but she was still feeling uncertain if it could really work or not.

Jack sighed, “Well then if we can’t get married the old-fashion way, lets just do it right here…right now. You and me.”

Her eyes widened and she gasped aloud, “Are ya serious? Have ya gone nuts?”

He chuckled softly and shook his head, “No…actually I’ve never been more sane or sure about anything in my life. What’d ya say? I see no sense in waiting. We don‘t need to get married in a fuckin church or to have a piece of paper to prove that we love each other. All that matters is what we know and that‘s how much we love each other. ” He shrugged, “Besides, we all ready share the same last name. “

Hannah bowed her head and took a moment of deliberation, sighing deeply. She lifted her head and cautiously met his gaze, nodding her head, “Okay…”

Jack smiled and nodded his head, letting out a huge sigh of relief.

“What should we do?” She beseeched of him.

He shrugged, “I don’t know. You’re guess is as good as mine.”

Hannah tilted her head thoughtfully, “How bout we just say what‘s in our hearts?”

Jack nodded, “Sounds good to me. Ya want me to go first?”

She shook her head, “No, I want to.”

Jack nodded and impatiently waited for Hannah to start speaking.

Hannah sighed and carefully mulled over what she was going to say. She decided it would be best not to overanalyze it and to let her heart speak for her. She met his gaze directly and smiled softly, which he returned in kind, “I look at you and I see my best friend. Your energy and passion inspire me in ways I never thought possible. Your inner beauty is so strong that I no longer fear being myself.” She shook her head, correcting herself, “ I no longer fear at all. I never thought I'd find someone to love that would love me back unconditionally. And then I realize that although we are sometimes often apart, you’re always with me and you were always my soul mate. You give me purpose when I feel I have none. Without you my soul would be empty, my heart would be broken, my being incomplete. I thank God every day you were brought into my life and I thank you for loving me.” She had tears falling from her eyes and cascading down her cheeks, but she made no attempts to heed them. She wanted him to see how deeply her love for him affected her, “ I will love you until my dying day. This I vow to you.”

Jack bowed his head and let out a shaky sigh. He felt the burning sensation of tears threatening to spill from his eyes. He slowly lifted his head and cautiously looked into her eyes, letting her see how much her words impacted him, “Remember the first day I told you how much I loved you, and how I would always, always protect you?”

Hannah smiled through her tears and nodded her head.

He took a deep breath to steady his frayed nerves, “And that day you made me believe that this would work. But I don't think anybody understood the love that I have for you, because if they did then they would have never doubted us. When was it we fell in love? Was it when we first met, or did it take time? “ He shook his head and shrugged, “I don't know, 'cause the truth is, I can't picture a time when I wasn't in love with you. I always knew you were the one who could look into my eyes and see my soul. I don't question your commitment to us. And I know there's nothing we can't work through. And I accept you as my partner and as my best friend above others. It's a miracle to find the kind of peace and happiness that you've given me. And in honor of that miracle, I pledge before you to love and cherish you forever.” He cupped her face in his hands. The tears were flowing freely from his eyes and his voice was raw with emotion as he continued, “ I want to marry you, because today when I look into your eyes, my love for you only grows. It's even stronger now. And our love will never waver. This I vow to you, today and always, and forever. “

Hannah was practically sobbing as Jack took her left hand and carefully slipped the ring off of her finger. He then slipped it back on, making it face inward to the body.

She looked down at her hand, asking him, “What does that symbolize?”

Jack sniffed roughly and whispered huskily, “It symbolizes that you’re…married. We‘re married.”

Hannah eyes widened and she had wide beaming smile on her face. She shook her head and chuckled softly, arching her eyebrow questioningly, “Well?”

He shrugged and shook his head confusingly, “Well what?”

She smiled softly, “Aren’t ya gonna kiss the bride?”

Jack bowed his head bashfully and nodded. He leaned over and kissed her sweetly. It was nothing really passionate. It was just a chaste and gentle kiss, but it still had the sheer magnitude of power to send chills down their spines.

Hannah rested her forehead against Jack’s and sighed, “I can’t believe we did this. Evelyn’s gonna have a shit fit when she finds out.”

He nodded his head and sighed.

“How bout we keep this a secret between us for a while, hmm?” He asked her. The last thing he needed was to listen to Evelyn incessantly preaching to him of what a huge mistake they were making, but she could never be more wrong.

Nothing he has done in his godforsaken no good life has ever felt more right. This is what he wanted, more than anything in this entire world. He wanted Hannah to be his wife and he wanted to be her husband. He wanted their souls bounded together for eternity. As if they all ready were not.

They are connected in a way that goes beyond romance, beyond friendship, beyond what they've ever had before. It will defy time and changes in themselves and in their lives. It has defied every explanation except one, purely and simply: they're soul mates. He can't explain it. He just feels it. It's there in the way his spirit subtly lifts whenever they talk; how the sound of her voice brings him home in a way he can't explain. It's in the delight he feels when they laugh at exactly the same things. When he’s with her, it's like a tiny part of the universe shifts into the place it's supposed to be -- and all is right with the world.

Hannah nodded, “Yeah, sounds like a good idea. Oooh, our own dirty little secret, how scandalous.”

Jack shook his head, “No…not dirty…never.”

She sighed and bowed her head, whispering, “I could never give ya children.”

He shook his head and scoffed, “Ya think I fuckin care bout that?” He sighed and let out a dry laugh, “Shit, I’m just surprised ya said yes.”

He cupped her face in his hands and leaned over, placing his lips upon hers in a gentle kiss. Hannah immediately returned the kiss by delving her tongue into his mouth. Jack let out a harsh groan as soon as he felt her small wet hot tongue entering his mouth, tentatively exploring the caverns inside.

Jack cradled the back of her head as Hannah climbed onto his lap in order to get better leverage. She cupped his face in her hands as he gently grabbed a hold of her curls in a tight closed fist. He was tugging very softly, but hard enough as to where she could feel a chill running up and down her spine. His other hand was wrapped tightly around her waist, resting under her shirt and caressing the soft skin on her back.

Hannah closed her eyes and bit her bottom lip, letting out a soft groan when he began attacking her neck fervently. He was lightly biting her pulse point, but hard enough to leave a mark, as if wanting to brand her and lay claim on his territory. Had she not exemplified that she was all his; mind, body and soul?

Her entire body felt as if it were engulfed in rapturous flames. Never has it felt like this with him before. Maybe it was due to the fact that the circumstancse were entirely different. They had given their hearts and soul to one another. That just left one last thing they had had not yet given one another…their bodies.

Jack leaned his head up and crashed his lips upon hers once again. Their tongues were mating wildly, sparring for dominance. Their kisses were scorching and bruising that their teeth were clanking together.

Hannah tore her lips away from his and said in a husky breathy tone, “Touch me, Jack.”

His eyes widened and he looked into her eyes, “Are ya sure?”

She smiled and nodded her head, “Yes…very.”

“But we’re outside. Don’t ya wanna go inside in our room?” He asked her in a concerned tone.

Hannah shook her head and smiled, “No, I wanna stay right here…with you.”

Jack nodded and returned her smile, “Kiss me.”

She did as he ordered and the hot flashes happened all over again in the pit of her belly and the backs of her knees. And he was just Jack. And she was just Hannah. She wrapped her free arm around his neck as the alchemy of the kiss turned affection into raw carnality, and why, she wondered, did this scare her so much? That he could make her want him like this? She'd never felt this for anyone that she could recall, and some part of her was waking up from hibernation. Wasn't she allowed to feel this?

He noticed her wince as if in pain and slightly tremble in fear.

He cupped her cheek and rested his forehead against hers, whispering comfortingly, “Shh, baby. Don’t be scared, I would never do anything to hurt ya. No one’s gonna hurt us ever again, ya got that?

Hannah nodded her head.

Reassured by his tone, she opened her eyes to find him intently watching her. The light of the moon reflected off of him and she gasped audibly. Sometimes, like now, the stark beauty of his face took her breath away. But then she remembered his rebuke, not to forget he had a mind and a heart, and was it any less cruel to condemn others for their beauty, than for their homeliness or their age or their skin color?

Jack watched her watching him, and if he couldn't guess the exact nature of her doubts, her distress was still plain to see in dark eyes huge like a deer's, and liquid. He felt nervous, too, but a thrumming excitement overshadowed it, and her boldness enchanted him, largely because it was so artless. Leaning over, he stroked her cheek with the back of his knuckles. "I've never done this ‘beach thing’ either," he told her.

Her expression was startled. "Really?"

“Really." He didn't think his past experiences counted much, "Trust it, Hannah," he said. "Trust yourself. It's not some performance, okay?" And reaching around, he grasped her shoulders, turning her body to directly face him.

When he settled back against the tree, she was sitting very demurely on his lap, hands folded in her lap, eyes resting on them.

Christ, he thought; she looked like a virgin on her wedding night, and that bothered him. "Hannah, maybe we should just go back to the room. "

“No!" She shouted. She shook her head and said in a more calmly tone, "No, no." She raised her eyes. They didn't appear frightened, and they weren't demure, and whatever doubts he'd had vanished.

Leaning across the space between them, palm cupping the back of her neck, he kissed her hard, and it was all fire inside, all sensation. His skin burned. There was no room for thinking, only feeling. "Trust this," he whispered between licking the corner of her mouth and sucking her bottom lip. "Trust your body. I won't hurt you. I won't do anything you don't want to do."

“I know“, she replied, and without hesitation. She slipped down onto the sand beneath him, pulling him on top, between her knees. She took a hold of his crotch and firmly squeezed.

Jack gently grasped her wrists, pulling her hands off of him. "No!" His turn to protest vehemently, and his whole body had tensed up. "No. It's not safe."

He had to maintain his cool, calm and complacent demeanor. He had to make this good for her. This was about her pleasure, not his.

She put her finger upon his lips to silence him, "Okay. Shh."

He shifted, moving his mouth down over her chin to her neck and across her chest to her right breast, impatiently pushing up the fabric to expose black lace. She was glad she'd taken the trouble to wear something other than cotton tonight, and maybe she should have been ashamed, but she couldn't summon the necessary remorse.

Instead, she locked her ankles behind his legs and pressed his head against her chest. "Oh, God, oh, God," she muttered over and over, and he rose up a little on his knees, enough so that he could slide his hand over the crotch of her pants, pressing the seam of her khakis against her swollen labia. She rocked against his hand until he moved it, wiggling his fingers under the waistband while he switched attention from one breast to the other. But he was a little too eager, and missed his balance, shifting right when he should have shifted left.

He fell sideways onto the sand, almost taking Hannah with him.

It startled them both so much, he sat with his jaw hanging open while she burst out laughing. That altered his expression from surprise to humiliation and she bit the back of her hand to stop giggling. "Oh, Jackie, I'm not laughing at you. It's just funny!"

And it was. Abruptly, he started laughing as well, then came up off the Earthen floor, grabbing her in his arms and tickling her. She squirmed and tickled back, and it ended with him on the bottom and all the tension of their uncertainties dissipated. They'd been too deliberate; he'd forgotten this was his best friend and the one whom he loved with all of his heart. There was no reason for him to be afraid nor nervous. She would never judge or mock him like the others.

Now, nose to nose, they smiled at each other in the dark. Just Hannah. Just Jack. "Love you," he said.

“Ditto," she replied, then straightened up. He wished he could see better in the dark, but he had to content himself solely with touch as his palms examined her body. "We're going to get cold," she told him.

"I'll keep you warm."

Hannah shook her head and chuckled softly, "That's a corny line, Jackie."

"Yeah, well, it's true, isn't it?"

She considered that while he kissed her nipples through her shirt and rubbed her ass through her pants. She could feel the coolness of his hands in contrast to the heat of her flesh. "Okay, it's true. Ah -- !" He was biting. Just a little. It felt good. And this time, he got her pants unzipped and his hand down her panties without either of them falling. His fingers explored her swollen slickness, sweet and jagged, and she moaned for him, rocking back and forth on his hand while he brought his other up to pinch and stroke her neglected breast. Sensation spiked in her, intense and quick, and she rocked harder. Her breathing stopped and she trembled on the edge of orgasm like a water droplet held distinct by surface tension.

They were fully aware that anyone could come upon them at anytime, but that was what made it that much more exciting. The thrilling danger that they could get caught.

Jack was awed by the power of it. "Let go, baby," he whispered against her pale flesh. "Let it go. Trust it. Trust your body." Body knowledge -- she couldn't think herself into this, and he wanted to take her there, wanted to give it to her. He slipped his fingers all the way inside her, experimentally stroking seeing what made her moan and gasp. He began caressing the small, ridged area on the front wall, but it was hard with his hand constrained by two layers of cloth. She raised herself a bit, trying to push the pants down.

"Just a minute, just a minute," she said.

He let her go, holding his wet hand apart as she slid her pants off without much formality and then worked on his, but she couldn't tug them past his thighs without him getting up and he wasn't inclined to do that. Instead, he pulled her back down on top of him so he could reach her breasts again. She reached inside his boxers and grasped her hand around his erection.

Jack quickly grabbed her hands and said huskily, “Don’t…I’ll come.”

Hannah shook her head in bafflement, “I thought that was the idea? “

He shook his head adamantly. He bowed his head bashfully and said shyly, “Not yet. I don't want to come yet.”

She let him go, reluctantly, and slowly inched her hand under his shirt, dragging her hand up over the side of his abdomen to the rise of his ribs. His own hand went back down between her legs, pushing her thighs wide so he could slide two fingers inside her again, looking for the right spot. Finding it this time, he shifted his hand until his thumb rubbed her sensitive nub and his fingers could press the magic spot inside, eliciting a shocked yell. He had to admit, he had not the faintest clue of what he was doing. He was just going upon mere instincts alone, letting her sighs, groans and gasps guide him blindly through unknown territory.

Delighted, he began to make love to her with his fingers, in and out, in and out, and she arched back in the faint moonlight.

It outlined her long abdomen and shallow heaving breasts with an amethyst that turned crimson to his sight. She was all fever and fire, and she keened as she moved up and down on his hand. It was utterly raw, no thought, not even room for thought, and he could feel her wanting him. It excited him so much he thought he might ejaculate on the spot without any help beyond the sight and sound of her.

Touch yourself; show me how you touch yourself, he silently begged to her.

Almost as if she could read his mind, she did, even as she slammed down on his hand to force his fingers deeper, her inner muscles clenching on him. Up and down, up and down, as she rubbed at her nipples through her shirt with both hands. He watched, his mind fogged with lust and wonder. She was wild, like a raptor diving, and when she came, she shrieked. It wasn't ladylike at all. He loved it.

He seemed happy and relaxed, but not with the same post-orgasmic bonelessness she felt, and she remembered that he wasn't finished. Sliding off of him, she shook her hair over his chest and he laughed. "That tickles." She drew the hair lower, then, over his stomach, and lower to his groin -- heard him hiss in his breath. "Hannah . . ." Raising her head, just a little, she used a hand to lift his cock out of his boxers and then licked it from base to tip. "Hannah"

Hannah climbed back up his body and asked him, “What’s the matter? Don’t ya want to?”

He rubbed his forehead. Blood had mostly returned to where it belonged and the fuzz was clearing from his brain. "I don't know," He told her honestly. "Everything below the belt does."

Twisting a little, she laid a palm over his heart. "How about here?"

"That, too," He confessed. "It's just this" -- he tapped his head -- " isn't so sure."

To think, last night, they'd been too tired to do more than sleep. Now, everything had changed. "What about you?" He asked her.

She tilted her head sideways as if she were uncertain. She met his gaze directly and gripped his hand tightly. "We should go back."

Those five words hung heavy between them, and he couldn't quite breathe. "Hannah -- are you sure?"

"Yes." She glanced up at him. "But it's your call. You said this needed to go slow. You decide. No rush."

“Tell that to my body." And he didn't just mean his groin. His heart had started pounding and his stomach was doing handstands.

She sat there on his lap, but there was no touching beyond clasped hands. "I don't want to do anything you're not ready to do and I feel as if you‘re still not ready."

Her words won a sly smile from him. "Isn't that supposed to be the guy's line?"

Frowning, she shoved him lightly in the chest. "Chauvinist. I just meant, you know, I didn't want to put you under any pressure."

"What about you? Are you ready for this?" He asked her

Her cheeks dimpled. "I've been ready for weeks...physically. It‘s just mentally…" She bowed her head and shook it, heaving an anguished sigh.

And she moved in, sliding an arm around his neck to rest her head on his shoulder. "Don't worry about me." And that definitely didn't help him to think clearly. Whatever she'd said, the pressure was on, yet a part of him wondered if they weren't being too deliberate, making mountains out of molehills?

This was just another transaction, wasn't it? They'd have sex and then what? Women wanted romance, men wanted sex, and that's where the love stories ended. Neither of them wanted what came after, but that's what he wanted -- to sleep all night beside somebody and be held in the morning when he woke. To share breakfast and conversation and the laundry. He wanted a place in the world, and a partner to share it. His body wanted sex sometimes, but his heart wanted a place forever, and he didn't know if he was ready for this. .

Jack sighed and shook his head, “We should get back, it’s getting late.”

She nodded and smiled, “Yeah…I’m all of the sudden…exhausted.”

His cheeks blushed crimson at her words. When Hannah got up out of Jack’s lap, she could barely stand upon her own two feet for her legs felt like jelly. It damn near took her over three tries before she successfully got her pants back on. She intently watched as Jack had his back facing her to button up his jeans.

She shook her head and smiled. Even now he was bashful and reserved. That was one of the many things she loved about him. In a lot of ways, he was like an unguarded shy little boy, but in many ways…he was a man also. He had further cemented that fact just mere moments ago.

They had now finally hurdled over one insurmountable obstacale, but would they survive to make it through the last?

When they reached their room, Hannah noticed that Jack was lingering on the step, smoking a cigarette.

She placed a hand on his shoudler and asked him, “Aren’t ya coming to bed?”

Jack shook his head, “Not yet…in a little while.” He cupped her cheek and gave her a quick kiss, “Ya go on without me, I’ll be in a little bit.”

Hannah nodded. She could tell just by looking into his eyes without asking her that he needed to alone right now. She just always seemed to know.

She walked into the room and sighed as she made her way into the bathroom to get a quick shower. The inside of her legs felt sticky and she had sand in some very uncomfortable places.

After getting a shower, she was surprised to see that Jack had not come back in yet. She stood in the hallway and could see the outline of his body through the window. He had his hands braced against the railing with his head bowed.

Hannah wanted so much to go out and comfort him, but how could she do that when she did not know what was bothering him? Besides, she could tell by his demeanor that he wanted to be left alone. It just hurt her that he would rather stand out there than be inside with her.

Wasn’t this trip supposed to be about the two of them?

As Hannah lay in bed, it felt cold, dark and lonely being in this room all by herself. She did not feel comfortable in strange places. And the only one whom could ease her loneliness was MIA.

An hour passed and he still did not come to bed. She silently waited for almost another hour for him to come in the room, but he never came. She gave up, concluding that she was most likely sleeping alone tonight. She looked down at her ring on her finger that sparkled under the fluorescent moon. She closed her eyes and sighed deeply.

Was this how it was going to be for the rest of their lives?

ch42 cont

Sun, 18 Mar 2007 03:52:48 GMT

GO ONTO NEXT PART…

Jack took a deep drag of his cigarette and blew smoke circles into the air. Thankfully, the resort was deserted for most of the patrons must have been in bed by now sleeping. You know, that little thing necessary to life that normal people do every night? The only way he could get a peaceful night’s sleep was if Hannah was lying beside him, but he could not bring himself to go inside just yet. He still needed to sit here and think about a few things and clear his head.

He lounged back on the step and gazed up at the moon, sighing deeply. He did not know how long he has been sitting out here, but if he had to estimate, he would say that it has been no longer than an hour, maybe a little more. He just could not go inside and face her. He felt too embarrassed and ashamed for what he had done to her.

Regardless of the fact if she may have wanted it or not, he could not help but feel as if he had took advantage of her. Sure, she may have seemed willing, but he could not help but wonder if that was just a ploy to please him…to make him happy. She was giving him what she knew he wanted…very much. That was just the kind of girl she was. She was always putting other’s needs before her own.

When he looked at her tonight, it was like she came completely out of her shell. There was this total newfound confidence that just seemed to burst from her. He knows what it must have taken for her to let him do what he did to her tonight. God, he will never forget how gorgeous she looked moaning and writhing in the moonlight. It was as if she transformed into this beautiful and confident woman. It was as if he were laying his eyes on her for the first time tonight.

Then why the hell was he torturing himself this way? Why could he just not let himself be happy for once in his goddamned life? Why does he have to go and be a miserable bastard and fuck everything up?

These are questions he has been asking himself his entire life and will most likely forever go unanswered.

Jack averted his attention towards the door to their room and sighed deeply. If he was any kind of man, he would be lying in that bed with her right now, holding her in his arms. But where is he? Sitting outside perched on the goddamned step like some little pussy. He brought her here to get her mind off of the things that pained her. He did not want to be the one in which was causing her anymore. He never wanted to hurt her…ever again, but it seemed as if that is all he has been doing as of late.

How the hell could he be someone’s husband when he did not even know whom he was?

Hannah heaved a sigh of exacberation and rolled restlessly over onto her left side to quickly glance at the clock on the nightstand. She sighed and shook her head when she read that it was only one in the morning.

She gripped her pillow, muttering to herself a few colorful obscenities that would make a sailor blush.

This bed was far too big for her to sleep in alone. She wondered why Jack was once again being so distant with her. What had she done to warrant scuh treatment? Wasn’t this trip supposed to be fun and lighthearted? The sole purpose of this trip was to escape from all the chaos and forget all the drama. It seemed as if this trip had started on the wrong foot and was only getting worse by the second.

Hannah’s consciously aware that he is slowly breaking her heart, but she is also subconsciously going to love him with every broken piece forever.

How can the two of them even think of marriage when they had such a difficult time communicating and trusting one another? Those are the two main ingredients in which sustain a successful relationship. Without them, the foundation of their union will crumble very quickly. She had seen it on enough talk shows to know. If they keep continuing this same sick cycle carousel, they will only end up hating each other in the long run, having no feelings for each other except bitterness and disdain.

Once your world has been torn apart, you don't just stop believing in fairy tales, you stop believing in love. That was until she had met Jack. He renewed her hope and faith. He challenged her convictions and made her vulnerable and weak once again.

She was broken and lifeless and he became her only strength, her only peace. She cannot go through this life without him alone. She knows that. All the times she tried to run and hide from the truth. In her bitterness, she ignored all that was real and true. He is her only power, her only love…her…life. All she needs in this world is him and she is too tired of denying herself of him any longer.

Hannah turned around and laid upon her back, gazingly idlessly up at the ceiling. She tightly closed her eyes and let out a soft sigh as she thought about their tryst on the beach earlier. Her skin still tingled and burned from his scorching touches and there was this pulsating and throbbing ache between her legs.

It was odd, she would have thought that what Jack had done for her earlier would have satiated the craving, but strangely, it only made her want more. It was as if she were given just a taste of what he had to offer and she wanted more…much more. She will never forget how he touched her. It never once dawned on her that he was inexperienced when it came to women.

In fact, he seemed to know exactly what he was doing. He knew precisely where and how to touch her to make her feel as if her entire body were on fire. While it was true that Jack may not have been the first guy she has ever been with physically, this was the first time it actually meant something to her. She did not consider it to be a chore. She wanted and needed this man in every way possible. She loved him down to the very depths of her soul. That had to make it more special. It just had to.

There was so much passion underlying the surface within him just dying to break free. She could see it in his eyes, feel it in his kiss and touches, but it always seemed as if he was holding back, like he was not giving himself over to her completely.

How desperately we wish to maintain our trust in those we love. In the face of everything, we try to find reasons to trust, because losing faith is worse than falling out of love

Hannah had invested too much of herself into this relationship and in him. She would be damned if she let him push her away again. Not after everything they have been through. They have been through far too much bullshit to give up now.

She sprung up from the bed and threw her legs over the side, I’m putting a stop to this…right now. She silently thought to herself.

When she walked out of the bedroom, she noticed that all of the lights were still off, indicating that he had still not come inside yet. She started to become very nervous for it has been over two and a half hours since she had left him out there. Surely, he would have came inside by now…right?

Hannah slowly made her way down the hallway and walked over to the window. She opened the blind with her one finger and slyly looked outside. Her eyes widened when she saw him still sitting on the step. He had his head bowed and was smoking a cigarette. She also noticed that a beer bottle was placed in between his feet and wondered where exactly he had gotten it from. Then she remembered he now had a fake I.D that Manny‘s friend had made for him. The whole band got them. It was just so much easier for them to get booked for gigs in clubs and bars. No one wanted to hire a band compromised of underage kids to play in their establishment. They could get in a lot of trouble for that..

She sighed in relief as she felt the burdening weight of her fear slowly dissipate from her bones. She was so relieved to see him sitting there. For a minute, the thought crossed her mind that he had left her.

Hannah sighed and rolled her eyes, See therein lies our fuckin problem. We have so many fuckin trust issues. Dr. Phil would have a field day with us. She silently thought to herself.

Against her better judgment, she slowly opened the door and cautiously stepped outside.

Jack spun around in alarm as soon as he heard the door slowly creaking opened. His eyes widened when he saw Hannah standing there before him dressed in nothing more than a pair of pink lace girl shorts and a matching pink tank top. Her pajamas left little to the imagination, but he it was not as if he needed it. He knew exactly what lie underneath, which was why it was making it increasingly harder for him to be in her presence. She affected him in ways no one ever has before. Never in his wildest dreams did he ever think he would like sex, let alone crave it, but it seemed as if that is all he has been thinking about the last few months. He knew it solely had to do with the sheer fact that he loved this girl and wanted to show her in every way possible…physically and emotionally.

Hannah smiled softly at him, “Ya okay?”

He nodded and sighed, “Yeah…just thinking.”

“Wanna talk about it? “ She asked him, while bending down and running both of her hands gently through his hair.

Jack closed his eyes and focused on the feel of her soft fingers gently gliding through the thick strands of his hair. He shook his head, “There’s really nothing to talk about.”

Hannah nodded, “Then, why haven’t ya come to bed yet? Ya know how I don’t like sleeping alone.”

She sighed and groaned inwardly, mentally berating herself for her words, Great make him feel fuckin guilty by being so needy. Good one, Hannah…really.

He gazed upward at her and sighed, “I’m sorry.”

Hannah shrugged, “Why? There’s no reason to be. You’re entitled to your space, just as I am. I respect your privacy, just as I expect for ya to respect mine.”

Jack nodded, “I do.”

She sighed and gazed upward at the night sky, trying to gather her thoughts and find strength for this moment.

Hannah walked over to where he was sitting and squatted down beside him. "I love you, ya know" she said.

"For now," He replied, hugging his knees closer.

"Forever," she countered.

"Forever's a long time." He didn't want to believe her, even while he did.

Hannah shook her head, “And I wouldn’t have it any other way. “ She sighed and proceeded with caution when she asked him, “Ya having second thoughts? If ya wanna take back what ya said…I understand.”

As much as it would pain her to know that he may be having second thoughts about their pseudo marriage. At least she would know now before they became even more deeply involved than they all ready were.

Jack quickly turned his head to face her, meeting her gaze directly. He cupped her face in his hands, saying to her in a fiercely desperate tone, “Don’t ya ever fuckin think for one minute that would I take back what I said, ya hear me? I would never do that to you. I meant it when I said I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you…did you?”

Hannah nodded without hesitance, “Yes…every word of it. Then why do ya always pull away from me?”

He sighed deeply and bowed his head, staring intently down at his lap. He shook his head, “I love ya and I want ya, but it’s so hard for me to need ya. Ya make me so fuckin nervous and that hasn’t happened to me in so long.”

She smiled, “I feel the same way, but that’s a good thing.”

Jack lifted his head and arched his eyebrow in a questioning manner, silently urging her with his eyes to further elaborate.

Hannah complied by saying, “It means we’re on the same page. We’re both scared. And it’s natural for us to feel this way cause we’ve never had anything this good before.”

He scoffed and nodded, “Ya got that right.”

She cupped his cheek and whispered, “And don’t feel guilty about what happened earlier either. There’s no reason to be. I wanted that just as much as you did…maybe more, Jackie.”

Jack shook his head, “I don’t think that’s possible.”

He should have known that she would know right away what was bothering him. She always seemed to know. It was as if she knew him better than he knew himself and vice versa. It only further cemented that the two of them were truly meant to be. It was destiny for them to meet. To think that something so wonderful could be gained from a tragedy. It really instilled their faith that maybe there was still good left within the world.

Hannah nodded and grabbed his hand, tugging it, “I know. Come inside. I want to jump your bones."

And he burst out laughing because it was so silly and blunt, and put all the deliberation in proper perspective. She wanted him, and he let her lead him inside to their bedroom, and somewhere in the next half hour, he stopped being ashamed for wanting her, too.

They both stood in the middle of the bedroom coveted in darkness, the moonlight being their only source of light illuminating through their window, casting them in a soft glow.

Jack’s heart was racing at a palpitating speed, his palms were sweaty and slight trembles were wracking through his body. He has never been so nervous in his entire life.

“Are ya tired?” He asked her.

Hannah shook her head, “No…not anymore.” She cupped his cheek and looked directly into his eyes. She had a very serious look as she whispered softly, “Make love to me, Jack.”

His eyes widened and he let out an audible gasp. He sighed and shook his head, “We don’t have to. I think maybe we should just go to bed. We’ve had a long night.” He was becoming very flustered and it felt as if the room were a sauna.

Hannah smiled softly and gave him the loving look that he deserved. “After all we’ve been through these last few months, that’s a really pathetic excuse. I’m still here. I married you, doesn‘t that give you enough reason that I love ya?” She took a deep breath, cupped his face in her hands and willed her voice not to crack. “Jack… look me in the eyes and tell me it’s only me that feels like this. That you didn’t curse destiny for bringing us together this way like I did. That every time my skin brushes against yours you don’t want more. Say it, and I’ll believe you. I’ll go sleep on the couch and I’ll never say anything about it again, She tried to put her heart in her eyes, and laid it out. “I want to be your lover, Jack. I want to spend the night with you in this bed and know what it feels like to have you inside me.”

Something snapped behind Jack’s emerald eyes, and he groaned her name brokenly, before his mouth slammed down onto hers.

Hannah moaned, holding onto him even more tightly as her knees turned liquid. His tongue slid along her lips, and she eagerly parted them to welcome him inside. As their tongues mated, she could feel his hands slide under shirt, his touch like a brand on her bare back and she mentally urged with her eyes for him to pull the garment off. He began pulling away only far enough that the fabric slid over her head unimpeded. The look in his eyes as he took in her naked breasts went a long way to reassure her the craving that made her insides twist wasn’t one-sided.

She tore her mouth away from his, looking directly into his eyes.

"Do you dream of me?" she asked, smiling wistfully as if she hoped the answer was 'yes.'

Jack nodded shyly, getting a kiss for the confession.

"You don't mind?" He asked.

Hannah bowed her head bashfully and whispered, "I dream of you."

That was good enough for him. He’s seen her near naked before. Sometimes when she would take a bath, she would let him sit on the toilet seat and watch her, but it was a lot different when he was allowed to touch. This was nothing he'd experienced before, despite his sordid past.

In one smooth movement, he spun them around, gripped her hips and lifted, boosting her to lean against the wall. Hannah eagerly parted her legs, and reached for the belt loops of his jeans to pull him as close to her as possible. She could feel her heart racing as she helped him pull his t-shirt over his head, slowly growing more and more convinced that this wasn’t another dream where she woke up sweaty and shaking.

Jack wrapped his arms around her torso, bringing bare breasts against his bare chest, and they both moaned with the contact. As she slid her arms around his strong shoulders, Hannah lifted her face to his, but Jack lowered his mouth to her neck, instead, planting searing kisses up and down the column of her throat. As she wrapped her legs around his waist, his teeth grazed the skin, making her hiss and rock her hips, bringing the empty space between her legs that ached for him, smacking up against the hard bulge behind his zipper. She moaned again, sounding so needy she vaguely shocked herself.

He abruptly halted his movements and tightly wrapped his arms around her waist, burying his face in her chest, listening to the erratic beat of her heart.

Hannah could feel his warm breath coming out in ragged harsh gasps, fleshing out Goosebumps upon her skin. He was breathing so heavily it sounded as if he were internally suffocating.

She laid a hand on his back, “Are ya okay?”

Jack nodded, “Yeah…it’s just…we’re going too fast…it’s too much.”

Hannah nodded, “Do ya wanna stop?”

He shook his head and looked up at her, “Do you?”

She shook her head, “No, I want this…more than anything.”

Her heart thudded painfully in her chest. He was so nervous, he couldn't even look at her. She paused to consider her next move. Before she said the words herself. Before she went and stepped over that line on her own, she needed to make sure that he wanted this as much as she did. That he was ready for this. That he trusted her to take care of him, to never hurt him. To *love* him.

"Do you trust me Jack?" she asked intently gazing at him.

"You know I do Hannah," he responded, barely getting the words out.

“Hannah….” He sighed her named again, reaching for her, squeezing her arms this time.

Her hands held onto his arms, running her fingers over his skin. He made no move to stop her until she wrapped her arms around his stomach.

How the hell did she expect me to form rational thoughts with her looking at me like *that* He wondered.

He felt like his body was ready to implode at the gaze she was pinning him with.

A bright smile crossed her face, lightening her countenance. Looking at her, he saw in her everything he'd ever hoped to find. Acceptance, loyalty and trust. And cementing all of it, he saw something that nearly dropped him to his knees before her. He saw *love* in her eyes and her face and it was all directed at him.

"With your life?" she asked simply.

"Of course," he returned, curious as to where this was leading.

"With your integrity?" she questioned softly, as she took his hands in her own.

"What integrity?," he responded, trying to somewhat lighten the mood, but was failing miserably. There was a catch audible in his voice. One that didn't go unnoticed.

The room was getting a bit warm, and Jack was beginning to feel the heat. Somehow she had known what he'd wanted to say to her.

Energized with the certainty that she was right in her observations, Hannah reached up and wound her arms around his neck tightly, pulling him even closer to her than he all ready was.

"With your heart?" she whispered in a seductive tone Jack had only dreamed about.

His heart leapt into his throat at her words, her actions. Now he understood. She'd been waiting for *him*. Letting him take the time to decide that he could fully trust her with his heart. To let him choose when he was ready to take the chance to pursue this relationship further. She hadn't pushed him into something, instead she'd waited until he was emotionally ready to commit to this path. To whole- heartedly commit to *them*.

Now that they were *both* ready and wanted to explore this side of their relationship, she was taking the lead. Showing him how much she cared for him. And he loved her all the more for it.

Then he felt the need to jump off that cliff of no return. To verbally acknowledge his feelings, lay his emotions on the table, so to speak. "I love you."

The smile she gave him was blinding, and he nearly had to close his eyes. But instead he focused on her smoky brown eyes. Except they weren't brown anymore. The passion he saw there had darkened them to an almost inky black color.

She smiled, saying in a matter-of-fact tone, "I know."

They were two simple words, but they rocked him more powerfully than he'd ever imagined words could. But he suddenly realized that he was exposed, while she was still cloaked in her mystery. The *enigmatic* Hannah. His Hannah.

The tension that flooded his body was due to more than just his increasing arousal. It had to do with his easily broken heart.

Again, as if she could see his fear and sense his concerns about his vulnerability, she answered his unspoken request, giving voice to the words he needed to hear at this moment.

"I love you too, Jackie," she breathed in a low, sincere tone.

Again his mind whirled. She'd said the words. She *loved* him. Wanted *him*. And he felt the hum of his body like never before. All he could think of was being with her . . .

"Do you *trust* me?" she asked again, bringing him back to reality.

Right then and there, he knew what she was asking. She wanted irrefutable proof of his trust. To demonstrate to him her own trustworthiness. The idea of giving himself over to her totally thrilled and aroused him. There was no fear any longer. Only desire and anticipation.

“Yes” He said without hesitance. Did she even have to ask? He trusted her more than anyone else in this entire world.

His eyes dropped to her lips. They were swollen and red. He risked looking back up at her eyes.

God, he wanted to kiss her again.

Jack’s breathing quickened when he saw her dilated pupils. He felt more blood rush south and he fully hardened against her. She gave a little gasp in the back of her throat. He knew she felt it. He closed his eyes briefly and slowly raised his hands to her head, cupping it and pushing his fingers into her hair.

She was panting gently, her eyes fixed on his face. She blinked again and he opened his mouth, breathing warm, moist air onto her lips. It was an invitation. Would she accept? He whispered as it seemed the thing to keep doing. "Do you want what I want, Hannah?"

She whimpered a little and the sound made his cock throb in response. He lifted his hips without thinking, responding to a primal urge. She mewled again and he knew she felt the hard length of him pressing into her stomach. "What ... what do you want?" she asked.

Jack breathed onto her lips again and felt her shiver. "I want you, Hannah."

"Oh God," she nearly whined.

"Do you want me?" He cupped her cheeks and forced her to meet his gaze. His whispered raggedly, “I need to hear you say it.”

"Oh God," she said again. He could see panic rising in her face.

He brushed his lips gently over her cheek and she hummed in the back of her throat. He kissed her forehead and whispered in her ear, "Don't be scared. I would never ever do anything to hurt you" He looked directly into her eyes, wanting her to see how much he loved and adored her as he whispered fiercely, “I would kill myself fore I ever hurt ya, ya got that?”

Hannah smiled softly and nodded her head.

She did believe. She had total and utter faith and trust in them and what they shared. It was the realest and purest thing she has ever known. It was the best thing that has happened to someone such as herself.

He clamped his mouth shut and held his breath. He felt his equilibrium return and focused on her face. It was etched with concern. He must have gone pale. He couldn't keep looking into her eyes at that moment. It was just too intense. He tipped her head to the side and brought his lips to her ear. He breathed on her ear and she shivered again against him. His hips rolled again instinctively and she gasped. How long was he going to pussyfoot around this? He was such a coward. His hands were still trembling but at least he wasn't about to pass out.

Jack gathered his courage and felt his body go stiff and still. She felt it and he could sense her getting tense. As he released his tension, he breathed into her ear, “I wanna make love to you.”

She nodded against his cheek and smiled as tears began falling from her eyes. He met her gaze directly once again and she noticed that tears were flowing from his own eyes as well.

He said in a ragged whisper, “I’m so in love with ya, baby. I never thought I could love anyone this much.”

He moaned, obediently parting his lips as she kissed him, letting himself be pushed back to the bed, her tongue stroking against his in a way that had him trembling in desire. Trailing down his jaw and neck in heated kisses, she worked at the button and fly to his jeans, pushing the material down his hips, drawing from him a guttural groan as she pushed her hand into his boxer-briefs and curled her fingers around the hard flesh of his arousal.

He was lost in her. Her body called to his and the game they played was one of mutual attraction, strong enough to overcome their misfortunate beginning. This was what they were meant for.

Jack wrapped his arm around her waist and in one swift movement, he rolled Hannah upon her back with him lying on top of her.

Her eyes met his, and with the smallest of smiles she licked her lower lip and brought his head down to hers. With lips meeting, she whispered into his mouth. "Make me forget, Jack. Give me good memories."

And so he will.

Hannah flinched slightly when the tips of his fingers softly touched her cheek. Then she leaned her head towards him and relaxed into the most welcomed sensation of his warm hand as it caressed her cool skin.

He hesitated a little, waiting for her response. Then he continued to follow her jaw line, past her chin, and down along her neck, creating goosebumps along the path.

Her whole body went stiff in an ache that wanted to be healed; that wanted to seek salvation in his touch, to sink into the oblivion of belonging. Stretching her neck, she gave him better access to the vulnerability of her throat.

Jack turned towards her and let his hand, painfully slowly, continue down the front of her chest, just touching one of her nipples before resting on her belly, his warmth radiating through her entire body.

Her skin was flushed and damp, her breath coming in short, frantic gasps. Then she locked eyes with him and said his name in a soft, hoarse moan, and he knew, in an instant, that he was a goner. No matter what else their future held, he was hers.

He met her gaze and whispered huskily, “This is the last time I’m gonna ask ya. Are ya sure?”

Hannah nodded slowly, afraid to hesitate at all. “I am.” She shivered as his hand traced her hip. “More sure than I’ve been about anything.” She didn’t want to give him any more room to run away, either. There had been enough of that.

“Okay.” Jack smiled.

She seemed to glow in the light that filtered through the blinds from the moonlight, a vision made of starlight. And she wanted him. He wanted to see her, but there was too much already, to feel her, smell her, oh god, to taste her that Jack could barely stand it now. He kissed her again, and then began to explore her with his mouth, down her neck, along her collarbone. He couldn’t touch her enough, loving how she’d shiver or gasp when he’d find a sensitive spot, and then how she’d really moan when he’d go back to that place with his fingers or his mouth. He didn’t have to remind himself to be gentle with her, either. It seemed to be the only way he could touch her at all.

Hannah moaned in frustration, but fell silent immediately when he kissed her, one hand cupping her cheek while the other moved down her body, lingering over her stomach, tickling her lightly before slipping between her thighs.

Jack groaned against her lips when he felt how wet she was, knowing that it was for him. He pulled back to watch her face as his fingertips lightly circled her entrance. She gasped, moving her hips against his hand until he finally relented and slid two fingers inside her.

"Oh!" The startled exclamation was the only coherent sound she could manage. Her whole body jerked against his, her vision blurring and breathing becoming increasingly difficult. She was so pent up from his teasing that she could already feel a powerful orgasm building low in her belly, and she thrashed under him, desperate to feel that relief.

Feeling her core start to grow tighter, Jack kept working his fingers inside her and moved down her body swiftly. He buried his face between her parted thighs, licking around where his fingers were buried before taking her clit in between his lips, sucking lightly.

His lips make their way to her juncture and he kissed her folds gently, then licked
her from bottom to top. She moaned, a low sultry sound. He felt his erection throb in response.

Jack can't get enough of hearing her moan. He wanted to make her moan so much she has a sore throat tomorrow. His tongue dived into her on auto- pilot, swirling around to find her walls, to taste them.

Oh man, she tastes delicious. He thought to himself as he looked up at her in awe

Her juices are thick, with a slight tang that makes his taste buds sit up and take notice, cringing slightly like when you take your first suck off a sweet tart. That's it, like a sweet tart.

One hand anchors her hips as she begins to squirm after raising her feet to the bed for better leverage.

After about a minute of licking and nipping and sucking up her juices with his lips and tongue, she is whimpering and he decide it's time to get serious. Enough savoring. He pushes his fingers, holding her lips apart inside and begins rubbing the front wall of her tunnel experimentally. She is so hot and slick. He can feel her walls pulsing around his fingers. His lips go to her little bundle of nerves peeking out of her auburn curls. His free fingers gently pull the hood off her erect little nub, now red and swollen with her excitement. He rolls it between his lips firmly and then begins to suck and lick.

Oh my god, she's going wild. He thought to himself as he looked up at her in wonder.

Her hands slapped the bed, grabbing up the bedclothes into her fists as her back arched and she let out a shriek of surprise. Then her hips bucked violently into his mouth and her spasms began. Her shriek of surprise at the touch of his lips on her center of pleasure turned into a low groan. The first spasm brought a wail. He grabbed her hips, bringing her closer to his face and sucked harder .

He was straining his eyes to the side to see her face.

Moments later, Hannah's entire body tensed, then relaxed, shaking as she cried out his name and her muscles spasmed around his hand. He kept moving his fingers and flicking his tongue against her, bringing her down slowly, until she finally collapsed with one last hoarse moan. She screamed his name as her orgasm continued, throwing her head back, her chest flushing red, her nipples hard. She had her hands meshed in his thick hair, forcefully tugging on the strands.

Jack rode it out with her, lapping her gently as she returned to him. She lay limp and panting on the bed, as he slowly removed his tongue from her, causing her to moan. He sucked her taste off his fingers and closed his eyes, savoring the taste of her. Her eyes were closed. He wasn't even sure if she knew he wasn't touching her anymore. Whatever lingering insecurities he had about this just went flying out the window with her orgasm.

"Jack..." Hannah whimpered, her breath still coming in short, shaking gasps. When she managed to open her eyes and focus on him, he was leaning over her, watching her in awe. "What?"

"Do you have any idea how beautiful you look right now?" He asked, stroking her flushed cheek with one hand. She could only smile at him in return, then watch as he pulled back and finally removed his pants and underwear. Her eyes took in every inch of his body, and she licked her lips and moaned at the sight of him.

Jack slowly climbed up her body and settled himself between her legs.

He gently kissed her forehead and swiped a wayward strand of hair away from her forehead. He gazed down at her, smiling softly, “Ya all right, baby?”

Hannah nodded, “Yeah, I’m fine.” She cast her eyes downward, whispering admittedly, “Just a little…nervous.”

Jack smiled, “Don’t worry, so am I. “ He scoffed, “Probably more than you.”

“Really.” She asked him shyly.

Jack nodded. “Don’t worry. I know this isn’t the first time for both of us, but its different when you’re with someone ya love. This is a first for both of us cause we‘ve never been with anyone we loved before. I’m nervous, too. Look.” He held up a hand and Hannah could see him trembling a little. “See?” He leaned forward and kissed her softly, taking her in his arms, giving her the space she needed, letting her find him when she was ready. It was the least he could do, since she’d waited for him this long. He loved the feel of her against him like this. After tonight, he’d never be apart from her again, that much he was sure of.

Hannah relaxed in Jack’s arms, kissing him, forgetting everything, every worry or fear she had. None of it mattered right now. It was just the two of them, in the dark and she wanted him close to her, as close as he could get and she rolled onto her back, pulling him on top of her. He didn’t ask if she was sure, or if she was ready, but slowly, Jack lifted himself up, and kissed her from her neck to her belly button, and then back up to her mouth, letting her open her legs just enough to take his whole weight off her. There wasn’t really any need to talk anymore, and they both knew it.

She opened her legs wider and Jack moved as carefully as he could, entering her slowly and Hannah bit down on her lip, afraid to cry out. But, he didn’t hurt her at all, and when she realized that, Hannah reached up and kissed him, pulling him lower. What followed, as he began to move inside her, was the feeling she had been waiting for, being as close as possible to him, there was nothing separating them anymore. Not like all the songs, that talked about being complete, or being whole with someone, but something else, something more than that, Hannah realized.

Her tight walls were slick and pulsing around him as he pushed them aside with the most rigid hard on he'd ever had and slowly and cautiously slipped inside. It was the most exquisite feeling he'd ever had. As good as his imagination is, there is no substitute for the real thing.

Jack concluded that the first push into a woman was unlike any other pleasure in the world. He tightly closed his eyes and shuddered once he was embedded to the hilt, pushing against the entrance of her womb. She was so hot and so incredibly snug around him. She seemed to fit him perfectly, as if she were meant for him.

They stayed still for long moments, just enjoying the feeling of that first penetration.

Good thing, or he probably would have embarrassed himself.

So many years, people have come into his life and betrayed him, misused his trust and broke his heart. He vowed to himself that never would he entrust himself with anyone ever again. Then Hannah came along and challenged every one of his convictions. In such a short expansive amount of time she had broken down all the bastions he had spent years building.

Jack knew that they were meant for each other in everyway imaginable.

He took a deep breath and began moving in and out of her in a slowly agonizing rhythm. She cried out, even as her legs came up around him. He felt enclosed and cherished. This was what it was about, this fumbling, naked, precious acceptance. Her whole body embraced his, and he arched even more deeply into her. She made him whole in a panting rhythm older than life, the little death that led to rebirth.

Hannah closed her eyes and bit her lip, softly groaning. She splayed her hands upon his back, gently digging her nails into his sweat slicked skin.

Something very much like an ache began to build in her, a slow and agonizing sweet ache that pushed tears from her eyes, forcing a ragged and surprised, “Oh, Jack!” from her lips as he kissed her again, needing that extra bit of connection with her. Jack lifted himself up a little and let out a guttural groan, shouting out her name. Euphoric and shaking with excruciating pleasure, he poured his soul into her, then collapsed in her arms.

Hannah could see on his face that he was feeling what she had just minutes before, looking down at her in awe. Breathing hard, he smiled down at her and Hannah reached up to touch his face, smiling back.

He rested his forehead against hers and cupped her face, swiping the pads of his thumbs upon her full bottom lip and kissed her forehead softly. He was trembling so violently that the bed was slightly shaking.

Hannah cupped his cheek, softly beseeching of him, “Are ya all right?”

He nodded, not having the strength to form a coherent sentence at the moment.

“Are you okay?” Jack asked when he finally gained the strength to speak. His heart was beating so fast he could barely talk.

Hannah nodded and he reluctantly withdrew, pulling her close and then the covers over them both. She cuddled up close and he could feel her breathing. There were so many things that he wanted to say to her, things that might sound odd to her now, but decided to wait. “Hannah?”

“Yes, Jackie?” She turned to face him, so beautiful that he could barely speak the two words he wanted get out.

“Why me?” The question had been on his mind from the minute she’d told him earlier what she wanted. “Of everyone in the world, anyone who’d be richer, smarter, better…”

“Because when I’m with you, I feel special.” Hannah said softly, kissing his chin, his eyes. “When I’m close to you, I feel safe, and I like it. That’s why. That’s how I knew.”

With that, the space that existed between them was filled with something neither of them was ready to name, but there would be plenty of time for putting the labels on their relationship later.

Hannah kissed him softly and Jack hugged her close, drifting off to sleep, his face buried in her long, copper gold hair. “Because I love you, Jack Mercer.” Hannah whispered, sure that he was asleep. “And, I belong with you.”

A woman needs to be held. Science has shown this. Even if its with someone she doesn't care about. Protective hormones are released, and the amount of hormones released depends on the degree to which she is held. The first and best is the complete surround. He wraps you in both arms, whispers how beautiful you are. Second best is the 'arm around.' He is next to you but with one arm around you. Third is he's just next to you on his elbow, but he rests his hand on your stomach and looks at you. Fourth is you snuggling up to him with your head on his chest, while he looks away into space. But when the first best happens, you feel completely, wonderfully like a woman.

Hannah was used to waking up with Jack's arms around her. But she'd never felt him so close, holding her so tightly. And she'd definitely never felt every inch of his body pressed against hers, without even a scrap of clothing separating them. Now that she'd woken up to this feeling, she knew within seconds that she'd never be able to sleep without him holding her like this again.

She shifted a little and felt his length pressing against her belly, hard and hot, and all at once every moment of the previous night flooded her sleep-clouded mind. Completely overwhelmed by the memories, she moaned and pressed her body against his. She'd fallen asleep shortly after they'd finished making love, but now she felt wide awake, and the familiar ache deep inside of her that she had come to directly associate with being near Jack was back, and stronger than ever. Now that she'd had him, she just wanted more, felt like she would never get enough.

"Jackie." She whispered, brushing his hair off of his forehead. When he didn't wake up, she let her hand slip down his body and under the covers. When her fingers wrapped around his cock, he groaned in his sleep and thrust into her hand before his eyes finally opened.

"Hey." His voice was low, gravelly, and the single word was punctuated by a soft groan as she gripped him. "Sleep well?" He was trying to sound casual, even as he smiled at her and his hand slipped down from where it had been resting between her shoulder blades, caressing the small of her back and pressing her closer to him.

"Better than ever." Hannah said.

She shivered at the mere idea of spending another entirely interrupted day with Jack, exploring this newfound intimacy. He leaned in to kiss her and she pulled back. "Not yet, I've got morning breath." She giggled, pulling the sheet up to cover her mouth.

"So do I." Jack tangled one hand in her hair and pulled her face up to his. "I don't care if you don't. Besides, ya never cared bout that shit before." With that, he took her lips in a sweet, gentle kiss.

"Hmm." She murmured softly as her lips parted. "You're right." As they kissed , he moved his free hand down to her hip, then up her ribcage, just barely grazing the side of her breast. Her whole body jerked in response. "Jackie?"

"Yeah?" His voice was muffled against her chin, her throat, moving down to her chest.

"I know that last night, you said that it's better when you're with someone you love..." Hannah bit her lower lip, trying to find the right words. "But was it...I mean, was I...good?" She winced at how pathetic that probably sounded.

Jack raised his head, looking into her eyes and smiling down at her tenderly. Her insecurity was endearing, even if it was completely unnecessary. "You were so much more than 'good,' sweetheart." He kissed her again, running his tongue over hers and bringing one hand up to stroke her cheek. His other hand slid down, lingering at her hip.

"You made me feel so amazing." Hannah murmured against his lips. "I just wanted to do that for you, too. I never felt that with anyone…ever." Her breath caught in her throat as his hand moved from her hip to her inner thigh, stroking gently.

"Neither have I." Jack assured her. He pulled back far enough to watch her face as he carefully slipped one finger into her.

"Oh God..." Hannah breathed, arching up against him. "Jack...can we..." She couldn't form the words, with his lips and his hands doing such incredible things to her.

"We can." Jack replied. "We can spend the whole day in this bed if you want to. Anything you want."

"Sounds good." She sighed, letting her eyes flutter closed. Reaching blindly down between their bodies, she wrapped her fingers around his cock again, giving him a squeeze when he slid a second finger inside her. He worked his hand against her as she stroked him, low groans mingling with soft sighs and gasps.

Jack sat back, eliciting a soft moan of annoyance from Hannah. "Just...just let me see you." He murmured.

"You saw me last night." She protested, trying to pull him back down.

"The light's better now." He said with a wink. He carefully grasped her wrists and pulled her arms up over her head, exposing her completely. She was so beautiful, so close to perfection. Her skin was smooth, almost totally flawless. Not even the thick jagged five inch scar on her abdomen could mar her beauty. Just thinking about the way she felt in his arms made him groan.

Hannah's breathing sped up when she heard the sound, so similar to the ones she had heard the night before. As his eyes roamed over her, she did some looking of her own. Just looking at him was amazing. She followed the lines of his beautifully defined chest and abs, her eyes then casting downward, licking her lips as her gaze settled on his cock.

She licked her lips and tried to pull her wrists out of his grasp. "Jack?"

"What is it, baby?" Jack asked, leaning down to kiss her softly. "Tell me what you want."

"Let me touch you." Hannah whispered, looking up at him with pleading eyes. The thought suddenly occurred to her that not once did touch him. She wanted him to make her feel as good as he had last night.

He kissed her again and nodded, releasing her wrists. Her hand shook a little as she reached down and wrapped her hand around his length, marveling at the heat and size of him. She watched his face, feeling an overwhelming rush of power when his eyes closed and he said her name in a hoarse, stunted whisper. His response made her bolder, and she tightened her grip on him slightly, moved her hand up and down a little faster.

Jack couldn't feel her soft hand on him and not want to give her pleasure in return. He brought his hands up to cup her breasts, leaning down to take one nipple in his mouth, then the other. Slowly, so slowly, he trailed one hand down her body. He circled her clit with his thumb as he pushed two fingers inside her. There was so much he wanted to do with her. He wanted to taste her wetness, wanted to come in her hot, sweet little mouth. Even though she had done that for him many times before, he still didn't want to rush her into anything, and besides, at that moment he wanted nothing more than to be inside of her again.

"Hannah." He slipped his fingers out of her and placed his hand over hers, stilling her movements. He brought her hand up to his lips, kissing her palm lightly. Placing his hands on her hips, he tilted her pelvis up and watched her face as he slowly eased into her. "Oh God." His eyes closed for a moment, feeling her core stretch around him. She was so incredibly tight that it made his head spin. "Are you okay?" He whispered, scanning her face for any sign of discomfort.

"I'm..." Hannah moaned softly, trying to find the right words. "This is amazing."

"You're sure?" Jack asked. "You're not sore, are you?" She just rolled her eyes and looked at him incredulously as if to ask him if he was being serious. He blushed and nodded his head. "Right, stupid question."

Hannah giggled and wrapped her arms around his neck, writhing under him. She clutched at his shoulders, digging her nails in as he began moving within her in slow agonizing circles. She kissed his chin, his neck, any spot on him that she could reach, overwhelmed by how natural it felt to be with him like this. It was even better than she remembered, only a few hours after their first time. "Jack, please...I need..." She wasn't even sure what she was asking for.

He seemed to understand anyway. He wrapped his arms tightly around her waist and rolled over, settling her on top of him. Her body clenched around his cock as the movement pressed him deeper into her. He grasped her hips and began guiding her, thrusting up into her tight, wet heat. Her breasts bounced enticingly, and he couldn't resist pulling her down to kiss and suckle them, just as she began to pick up his rhythm, bracing her hands on his shoulders. "I love you." He murmured against her soft skin.

"I love you, too." Hannah gasped out. "Oh God, Jack, I love you." Her arms shook and gave out, and she slumped forward, pressing the length of her body against him. She stopped for a moment and closed her eyes, feeling his heartbeat against her chest and his cock pulsing within her.

"Hannah?" Jack rasped out.

"I'm okay." She whispered, nuzzling his throat. "So, this is what it's like, having you inside me." She shifted her hips against him and shivered, her eyes closing and a soft gasp escaping her lips.

"Yeah." He tangled his hands in her hair and kissed her. Then he pulled back and looked up at her, awestruck. "You are so beautiful."

Hannah smiled and felt her cheeks grow warm. Pressing her lips to his again, she began moving her hips in slow, gentle circles, moaning into his mouth at the sensations that the motion caused inside her. "Oh, Jack...oh!" She started moving again, rocking back and forth, rubbing her clit against the base of his cock, feeling that tension and ache deep in her core growing stronger, tighter with every thrust, until it finally became too much and she screamed out his name, burying her face against his throat and digging her nails into his shoulders, clawing at his skin.

Holding her close, he stopped moving as she shook in his arms, kissing her and stroking her hair and back soothingly, whispering in her ear. When she slumped against him bonelessly, he carefully turned her onto her back again and braced himself over her, thrusting deeply into her. She was still tight and hot from her orgasm, and it took him only another minute to follow her, his whole body tensing up, a low groan escaping his lips as he lost himself inside her.

"Oh my God..." She sighed breathlessly, running one hand down Jack's sweat-slicked back. "That was even better than last night. Is it always like this?"

Jack raised his head and smiled tenderly at her, brushing a damp curl off of her forehead. "Truthfully, I have no fuckin clue, but I think it will be for us."

He laid back upon the bed, bringing Hannah with him to rest her head upon his chest. They both said not a word, choosing to bask in the silence and revel in the wonder of the newfound union.

This was it. The moment they had been waiting for, but yet they knew there was so much more left in store for them.

As she laid there on his chest, listening to his heart beat, she knew at that moment she truly loved him and always will.

GO ONTO NEXT PART

ch42 cont

Sun, 18 Mar 2007 03:50:59 GMT

They stayed in bed the remainder of the day, acquainting themselves with one another. It was almost as if they were making up for lost time. They could not seem to get enough of one another. Their appetites for each other were insatiable and unquenchable.

It was mid-afternoon when they finally succumbed to their exhaustion.

Even though Hannah was exhausted right down to her bones from she and Jack’s…strenuous activities. Every bone in her body sweetly ached, but she just could not seem to fall asleep. She did not want this incredible feeling to end. She wanted to hold onto it for as long as she could because she may never have a moment such as this ever again. It was almost as if she were afraid to go to sleep because she would awake and find that all of this was just a dream.

She shook her head adamantly, thinking to herself, No, this isn’t a dream. No dream could ever be this good.

Hannah averted her head, coming face to face with Jack. She quietly laid there, intently staring upon him as if in awe. He was lying on his stomach and his arm was draped lightly over her abdomen,. The sheet only covered the lower portion of his body, leaving the rest of his body bare. He was so astonishingly beautiful it made her chest physically ache just looking at him. He looked so peaceful and serene with his face slacked in a deep slumber. He even had a small smile playing on his lips. She would never admit it aloud, but she felt this thrilling satisfaction in knowing that she was the only one who could give him this solace and comfort. Maybe it was because he did the same for her.

If she squinted a little, the rugged outlines of the man softened and she could see the boy he'd been. His face relaxed, his profile outlined by the light of the midday sun . . . she could imagine he was years younger. His hair was wild and disarrayed sticking every which way, even more so than usual. It looked boyish just the way it was.

She bit her bottom lip and closed her eyes, a deep crimson blush came upon her face as she remembered all the things they had done together no more than an hour ago. Her senses became livened just thinking about it. His scorching touches and kisses branded her skin and even now she felt the tingling sensation, fleshing Goosebumps upon her skin. The way he made her feel was unlike anything she has ever experienced in her life. No matter what may become of them in the future or if someone by some small chance someone comes after him, they will never compare to him. Everyone else will be incomparable.

While it was true that the two of them had a lot of extensive sexual experience, it was almost as if they were virgins in a sense. For this was the first time in which it truly mattered. They wanted each other wholeheartedly. It was not just their bodies they had given each other, it was their souls as well. It was so much more than the physical act itself. They have now finally made official. They have reached the point of no return. It would be full steam ahead from here on out.

Hannah just hoped they had enough faith and trust in one another to endure whatever insurmountable obstacles came their way. She was not naïve in the least. She knew that their struggles and issues were far from being solved. Just because they made love, it did not mean their problems magically disappeared. As much as she wished that could be so, it was not that easy. Nothing ever was, but if their love was strong enough, which she had not a doubt in her mind that it was. It would have the power to achieve éclat in whatever endeavors shall come their way.

As if he could sense her eyes upon him, Jack slowly opened his eyes and found himself face to face with Hannah.

“What you smiling bout?” He asked her groggily. His voice sounded even more huskier and deeper than it normally is, making her feel as if molten hot lava was coursing through her veins.

She shook her head, saying in a sardonic tone, “Why, I have not a clue as to what I’m smiling about. None at all.”

Jack cupped her cheek and whispered in her ear, “Want me to remind ya?”

Hannah closed her eyes and sighed softly when she felt Jack gnawing upon the cartilage of her ear. His hand that was on her cheek began slowly making its way down to the nape of her neck, inching closer to the valley cleft between her breasts. She bit her lip and softly groaned when Jack rolled over in one swift movement to lay on top of her, settling himself between her legs. Despite how exhausted she may have felt, she found herself becoming so incredibly aroused she was going to go insane if he did not touch her soon.

He softly chuckled and looked at her incredulously when he felt the lower part of her body squirming and fidgeting, as if silently urging him to move.

“Again? Are we attempting some kind of record? He asked her jovially.

Hannah blushed and bowed her head bashfully. She shook her head and shrugged, “It’s just…” She sighed deeply, wishing she had the guts to say what she wanted to, but yet again, her courage seemed to failed her at the most inopportune moment.

Jack cupped her face in his hands and rested his forehead against hers, “Hey, I was just joking. I feel the same way. I just can’t seem to get enough of ya. As cheesy as it may sound. It’s like the first time every time.”

She looked up at him and smiled gratefully. He just always seemed to have a way of making her feel good, no matter what kind of dismal or dreary mood she was in. All she needed was to see his face and it seemed as if all the negativity and bad thoughts were so petty and trivial. It was as if she found strength within him. He brought her to this realm she thought could only exist in her dreams, but only now did she realize that this was not some prefabricated illusion. This was an actual reality. This was real and not some fantasy.

Jack smiled, “Ya know, I beginning to think ya just want me for my body.”

Hannah tilted her head back and chuckled, “Damn, ya caught me.” She ran her hands over the planes of his chest, trailing them down to trace her fingers hipbones, outlining his cage, “Now that ya mention it though. It is pretty nice.”

He shook his head amusedly and chuckled softly.

The playful and amused smile that was upon her face quickly disappeared, replacing it with a more serious one as she looked up at him.

“Can I ask ya something, Jackie?”

He nodded, “Of course, ya know that.”

Hannah smiled. She took a deep breath and proceeded with caution when she asked him, “Am I the first woman ya have ever been with?” She shook her head and sighed, “I know that seems selfish to ask and ya don’t have to answer it if ya don’t want to but-”

Jack placed his index finger upon her mouth, shushing her. He sighed and nodded his head ashamedly, “Yeah…ya are.”

“So ya mean all of them were…men?” Surprisingly, she did not sound shocked nor disgusted, just curious.

Jack nodded his head, “Yeah…” He heaved a laborious sigh, “Ya know about those times in foster care?“

Hannah nodded.

He continued, “But a lot of the times I did it just to make a few dollars so I could get something to eat…or to get high.” He met her gaze, saying in a fiercely desperate tone, “But I never enjoyed it…not once. Ya were the only person that I wanted to be with…that way.”

Now it was her turn to place her finger upon his lips and shush him. She shook her head, “Ya don’t have to explain yourself to me, ya understand? None of that matters now. All that matters is what we have here…right now. And that’s each other.”

He smiled, letting out a sigh of relief.

Hannah did not make him feel embarrassed or ashamed by his past, but that was one of the main reasons why he fell in love with her in the first place. She did not mock or judge him like the others. She accepted and loved him for the man he was. She knew all of his faults and still loved him despite of them.

She could feel Jack’s hardened evidence of his arousal poking the inside of her thigh. All it would take was for her to move an inch and he would be right where she wanted him, but she had a feeling that was not what he needed at the moment. She could see that pained and haunted look in his eyes and deeply etched into his features. His head was bowed and he could barely look at her. All she wanted to do was take his mind off of the pain and let him focus on the good because he deserved nothing more than to be happy, considering all that he has been through.

Tears were forming within her eyes and she damned every single one of those bastards that had hurt him. All she wanted to do at that moment was hunt down each and every one of those assholes and make them suffer through the same hurt and humiliation they made him endure. It was as if she were feeling his pain. She wanted so much to take his pain away.

Suddenly an idea popped into Hannah’s head and she smiled.

Maybe there is something I can do for him. She thought to herself in satisfaction.

She grasped his shoulders and lightly shoved him upon his back, climbing on top of him.

Jack lifted up on his elbows and stared at her in wide-eyed shock, “What are ya doing?”

Hannah leaned down and whispered in his ear, “I’m making ya feel good.” She placed her hand on his chest and pushed him back down onto the bed, “Now just lie down and enjoy yourself.”

The air in the room was cooler than the afternoon had been, and the sweat on their skin had dried. He tasted slightly of salt, and kissed his collarbone and sternum, his nipples and the space below his ribs. It made his cock jump and she wrapped her hand around it, moving the loose skin up and down. Lying passive bothered him and he raised his head and his mouth quickly latched onto one of her breast.

"Oh," she said, then she was reduced to whining. Her hand stroked faster, and she shifted to cover the cock head with her other hand, circling the slit with her finger and teasing the flare around the edge, the pad of her thumb settling in the frenulum and rubbing back and forth.

It sent hot sparks all through his belly and he jerked his hips in rhythm with her hand, the pressure building heavy in his groin.

Jack unlatched his mouth from her breast go to say, "Keep that up, and I'll come." He said breathlessly.

"I thought that was the idea?" Hannah asked him in a ragged whisper.

“Are you sure?" He asked her wearily

She shook her head amusedly and chuckled softly "You worry too much. Trust me, okay?"

Jack nodded without any hint of reluctance whatsoever. He laid his head back down and closed his eyes.

There was more fear, and more frustration, but he chose to remain silent for he trusted her.

As if she could sense his reservations, her hands on him stilled, moving to his hips instead. She kissed his shoulder and he could feel her soft hair on his skin.

"Shh," she whispered and laid down beside him, half blanketing him with her body, one hand tucked beneath her and the free one stroking him from collarbone to belly, but no lower.

Jack’s blood still pounded and he wasn't sure which was worse -- if she'd kept going, or having her stop now. In one swift motion, he quickly rolled on top and thrust against the soft skin of her thigh. "Christ," he muttered.

He’d never needed like this and it was just about release now. His eyes were squeezed shut, trying to focus on her touch.

She seemed to realize they'd gone too far, and began kissing the side of his face, pushing his head back so she could get to his mouth. He lifted his hips up so she could get to his cock, offering her clasped hands for him to grasp, gripping them tightly, skin pressing on slick, hot skin.

Jack’s cock was so sensitive, almost unbearable, and her tongue was in his mouth, sawing along the edge of his. She then unhooked her hands from his and reached down, squeezing just a little and he ejaculated all over her fingers. But instead of release, he felt foolish, dirty and rushed -- as if this had been a quick hand-job in a bathroom stall.

It wasn't what he’d wanted to happen, and he wanted to weep in humiliated frustration. "Shh," she said again, freeing one hand to wipe it on the sheet, then began stroking his spine. "Shh." She was kissing his face again. "Relax a minute. It's okay."

"It's not okay!" He snarled. "I didn't mean --"

“Shh." The hand came around from his back to cover his mouth. "You were all keyed up. Partly my fault; I'm sorry. Now we can start over again and take our time."

And those words reminded him that this wasn't a quick hand-job in a bathroom stall. This was the most perfect moment of his life. What made it even more so was that he was sharing it with someone whom he was deeply in love with.

Hannah kissed the end of his nose, smiling. "That was the appetizer to take the edge off the hunger pains."

Jack barked with embarrassed laughter at her words, "Jesus, Hannah!"

Just then, Jack heard the unmistakable sound of Hannah’s stomach growling. He chuckled softly, “Speaking of hunger pains. When was the last time ya ate?”

She tilted her head thoughtfully to carefully think about his question. She shrugged, “Eh, Yesterday afternoon.”

His eyes widened, “That long?”

Hannah nodded.

Jack placed his hands upon Hannah’s waist and gently pushed her off of him. He sat up in the bed and said, “Come on and get dressed.”

“Why? Where we going?” She asked him curiously.

“I’m taking ya out to eat for dinner.” Jack replied.

Hannah shook her head, “Ya don’t need to do that.”

He shook his head, “But I want to. Hannah you’re my girlfriend. I wanna do things like that for ya, it makes me happy.” He noticed her cross her arms over her chest and smirk. He shook his head in bafflement, “What?”

She shrugged, “Oh, nothing. It’s just ya called me your girlfriend.” She sighed dramatically, “I thought I was much more than that.” She winked, letting him know she was only kidding.

Jack nodded and smiled, “Oh, ya are…believe me.” He leaned over and cupped her cheek, giving her a kiss upon her forehead, “You’re everything. My best friend, my…wife…and now my…lover.”

Hannah smiled when he called her his wife. Never did she think anyone would want to call her that. She had actually met her soulmate. It was such a strange notion, she had never believed in such idyllic and romantic fantasies, but ever since she met Jack it seemed as if he gave her entirely new perspective on life. It was as if she were looking at the world through a new pair of eyes. She was given a second chance to start her life anew with a clean slate. She could not think of any other person she wanted to share it with.

It was so hard to believe that this time last year she was living in some rundown apartment all alone. She did not have friends nor any family to bespeak of. She was virtually a loner. She felt so miserable. She felt as if everyone had left her stranded and abandoned, but those days were over. She would never be alone again…hopefully. She was not naïve to think that all good things last forever, especially when it came to her. Bad luck was the epitome of her life. She just kind of always expected it.

Why should now be any different?

Jack climbed out of the bed and stood up straight. He began flexing and stretching his taut and aching muscles that had been overused, but he could not complain in the least. He enjoyed every single minute of it…very much. He did not regret a thing about last night.

Hannah blushed furiously as she watched him stretching in the middle of the bedroom…stark naked. Of course, she had seen him naked many times, but it never ceased to fathom her how incredibly built he was. He had the body of a Greek God…like Adonis. What made her even more baffled was that he was actually hers. Never in her wildest dreams did she think that anyone this gorgeous would want to be with someone like her. A guy such as Jack could get any girl he wanted. Out of all the girls, why would he choose her? It was something she could never seem to figure out. She decided she was not going to question it any longer. She was just going to be thankful that she had someone like him in her life.

He looked at her over his shoulder and smirked, “Take a picture, it lasts longer.”

She smiled, knowing he was only jesting with her. She nodded her head, “Oh, I just might sweetheart. I figure once you’re famous I can sell them on Ebay for a hefty chunk of change. It could probably pay for my college education.”

Jack blushed and shook his head bemusedly, chuckling aloud, “I’m gonna go get a shower.”

Hannah nodded, “Okay. I wanna get one after ya.”

He grinned mischievously, “Why don’t ya just join me? We‘ll be done at the same time.” He arched his eyebrow suggestively.

Her eyes widened and her mouth gaped open in shock. She clutched the bed sheet to her chest and sighed. Just the mere thought of what he was suggesting made her feel as if her entire body was engulfed in flames. What frightened her the most was that he was dead serious.

They both knew exactly what would happen if she took him up on his offer. If they continued at this rate, they would never leave the house. It would be much better if she remained right where she was at.

Jack immediately noticed the distress on her features and shook his head. He berated himself for his words. He could tell how uncomfortable she was. It baffled him how even now, after everything they had done together, she would still be shy, bashful and reserved. He loved the fact that after everything she endured, she still managed to keep some of her innocence and purity. It was the first thing that drew him to her. It was what made her special and set her apart from all of the rest. It was the sole reason why he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. Just by being in her presence, she made him feel worthy and deserving of that goodness. For the first time in his life, he actually felt like a normal human being.

“I won’t be long.” He said to her.

Hannah nodded and smiled, “I’ll be here.”

Jack returned her smiled and nodded for there was not a doubt in his mind that she would be.

Well, it seems to him that the best relationships -- the ones that last -- are frequently the ones that are rooted in friendship. You know, one day you look at the person and you see something more than you did the night before. Like a switch has been flicked somewhere. And the person who was just a friend is...suddenly the only person you can ever imagine yourself with.

Hannah and Jack were not really in the mood to deal with any crowds, so they just decided to take their meals and have a makeshift picnic on the beach.

Jack had wanted to take Hannah to a fancy and expensive restaurant, but she declined his offer , opting that they go to a pizzeria instead. She never really felt comfortable in gauche establishments such as that and she knew he did not either. She did not want him doing anything that he did not want to in order to please her. Besides, he had all ready done more than enough for her this weekend.

It was almost five in the afternoon and the sun was still brightly shining. They sat under a tree for shade from the scorching hot sun to enjoy their meals.

They both remained silent as they ate their slices of pizza. They practically devoured their food. It was odd, they both did not realize how hungry their were. They must have worked up quite an appetite.

Hannah took a bite of her pizza and looked over at Jack, smiling softly. As always, he had finished before her and was now smoking a cigarette.

He took a deep drag of his cigarette and shook his head in bafflement, “What?”

She smiled and shrugged, “Nothing…I’m just happy is all.” She leaned over and rested her hand upon his knee, “And I have you to thank for it.”

Jack bowed his head bashfully, “Well, ya deserve to be.” He lifted his head, meeting her gaze shyly, “Ya make me happy too.”

Hannah smiled and sighed blissfully, “It’s a beautiful day out.”

He nodded, “Yeah…it’s hot as hell though.”

She nodded her head in agreement, “Yeah…it really is.”

“Maybe ya could should get some sun. You’re looking a little…pale.” Jack smirked, letting her know he was only joking.

Hannah’s eyes widened and she gasped dramatically. She playfully slapped his shoulder, “Hey, look who’s talking Casper.” She lifted her chin high in the air, “Besides, I’m Irish, I’m supposed to be pale. It’s in my blood.”

“Ya Irish?” He asked her curiously.

She nodded, “Yeah.” She bowed her head and whispered, “My mother was originally from Ireland.”

Jack nodded his head. He did not want to press her any further about her parents. He knew how much of a sensitive subject that was for her. He did not want to upset her, especially now that she was so happy and in such a good place. He all ready cursed himself for even bringing it up in the first place. The only thing it would do was bring up bad memories for her.

Hannah sighed, “When my grandmother died. It was only my grandfather and my mom, so they moved to Melbourne to start a new life when she was just fifteen years old. She met my father when they were sixteen. They got engaged during college, got married soon after and then had me a year later.” She took his hand in hers and interlaced their fingers together. She smiled at him softly, “My mother met her soulmate the same age as I did.”

He smiled and nodded his head, “Do ya remember anything about them? Like what they looked like or anything?”

She shrugged and sighed deeply, “I know that my mother was an English teacher and that my father was a lawyer, but as far as what they looked like…” She shook her head, “Not really. It’s funny, I have some memories of our time together, but I can never seem to remember their faces. No matter how hard I try…” She averted her attention to Jack and let out a dry laugh, “Isn’t that fucked up?”

Jack shook his head, “Maybe ya mind doesn’t want to remember.”

Hannah nodded, “Yeah…maybe you’re right.”

“Ya didn’t have any other family to take ya in after they died?” He beseeched of her.

She shook her head sadly, “No…my grandfather died when my mom was in college and my dad’s parents were gone as well. The only immediate family they had was my dad’s sister.” She bowed her head and sighed, “But she didn’t want me. She said she couldn’t afford to take care of me cause she had her own to worry about. Isn’t that messed up? To think that my dad’s own sister would betray him like that.”

Jack nodded, “Some people just don’t fuckin care.” He scoffed, “Shit, I learned that lesson the fuckin hard way. But just think about it this way. If she took ya in, we would have never met.”

Hannah nodded and smiled, “That’s right. Maybe I should send her a thank you card or something.”

He shook his head amusedly and chuckled.

When Hannah was finished her pizza, he lounged back against the tree, bringing Hannah with him. She sat in between his legs with her back lying against his chest. He wrapped his arms tightly around her waist and kissed her softly atop of her head.

Jack gazed down at her and sighed deeply. It surprised him when she told him what her birth parent’s professions were. That was not a doubt in her mind that she came from a wealthy family. With parents like that, it was a given. It only affirmed what he had all ready known in his heart. Hannah was far too good for a man such as himself.

Hannah looked up at him and asked, “Ya know what I wonder sometimes?”

“What’s that?”

She smiled, “I wonder what would have happened between us if we met under different circumstances. “ She shrugged, “Ya know if I was just a normal everyday girl. Ya think that we would have still gotten together?”

Jack leaned his head back to rest upon the tree and sighed, “I wonder the same thing myself.”

Her eyes widened in shock, “Ya do? Really?”

He nodded his head.

“What do ya think about?” Hannah asked him curiously.

Jack shook his head, “I just wonder if ya would have even looked twice at me.”

Hannah could not help but feel anger at his admission. It made her really disappointed in him that he would think she would do something like that. It was really discouraging to discover his lack of faith in her. Did he really think that she was capable of such cruelty?

Then again, she also had to remind herself that he had lot of insecurity and low self-esteem issues, even more so than she at times. It was not his fault that he would think that way. It was every person that ever caused him harm that was to blame.

She turned around and rested her legs upon both sides of him to sit on his lap. She cupped his face in her hands, demanding that he meet her gaze, which he complied…hesitantly.

Hannah made sure to look directly in his eyes as she whispered to him in a gentle yet stern tone, “I want ya to stop with that talk, ya understand me? Ya need to stop doubting me all me all the time. I’m with you cause I want to be. Cause I love you with all of my heart. You’re the only man that I will ever want. “

Jack had a broad grin on his face when she said those words. He will never get used to hearing her say them. The thought of her actually loving him is a far too surreal of a concept. Never in his wildest dreams did he ever think he would have something this good and this real.

Hannah scoffed, “It was so fuckin stupid of me to ask that question cause it’s bullshit.” She shrugged, “Who the fuck cares what would have happened between us under normal circumstances? There’s no use in wondering bout shit that’ll never be. If it was meant to happen, it would’ve.” She smiled softly, “We were meant to meet each other, Jackie. It was destiny for us to get to this point. We need to stop all this nonsense. We can’t live in that past anymore. We need to start planning our futures…together.”

He nodded, “I agree.” He cradled the back of her neck and brought her forehead to rest against his. He placed his lips upon hers, giving her a chaste and gentle kiss.

She shook her head in disbelief, “I can't believe I've lived this long without having your love,' she whispered weakly.

Jack smiled, “You have had it. I've always loved you,” He said quietly, threading his fingers through her hair to press her head against his heart, “I just didn't know your name”

Hannah smiled and lightly kissed his chest. She idly rubbed his broad chest in circles, soliciting a sharp gasp from him. Even a small innocent touch such as that could arouse him. Hell, just the mere thought of her affected him.

“So, ya have anything in particular ya wanna do on our last night here? Jack asked her.

She nodded her head, arching her eyebrow suggestively and roved her eyes up and down his body unashamedly, in unabashed lust, “Oh, I can think of a few things.”

Jack’s eyes widened and a blush tainted his cheeks. He bowed his head as a wide grin formed upon his face.

Hannah smiled as she looked at him and a warmth filled her chest. The way he was acting was so adorable. It was hard to believe that even now, after everything that they had done to each other, he can still be shy and bashful around her. Sometimes he reminded her of a innocent unguarded little boy at times. He was always so introverted and self-conscious. It was as if there was this scared, lonely boy inside of him, yearning and screaming for attention to anyone that would take the time and listen. She could see it whenever she looked into his eyes.

She cupped his cheek, caressing his cheekbone with her thumb, “Lets just sit right here and do absolutely nothing.”

He nodded and smiled, “Sounds good to me.”

She turned back around, resting back against his chest once again. She took his hands and placed them upon her abdomen, intertwining their fingers together.

Hannah looked up at him and gently kissed his chin, whispering, “I love you, Jack.”

Jack kissed atop of her head and smiled, “Love ya too, baby.” He whispered with an undeniable catch in his tone.

There are days when everything seems wrong. When little things hurt you for no good reason, and then there are days like today. When the world just sings to you, from the minute you can open your eyes in the morning to the minute you shut them again at night.

They gave their hearts to each other, unconditionally. And that's what true love really is. It's not this fairy-tale life that never knows pain. But it's two souls facing it together, and diminishing it, with unconditional love.

If you were to ask them what was it like loving someone more than life itself, and being able to be with them, and having them love you back. They would answer by saying this;

“It was like finding the other half of myself, and being complete, whole, for the first time in my life.”

Sooner or later we begin to understand that love is more than verses on Valentine's Day and romance in the movies. We begin to know that love is here and now, real and true, the most important thing in our lives. For love is the creator of our favorite memories and the foundation of our fondest dreams. Love is a promise that is always kept, a fortune that can never be spent, a seed that can flourish in even the most unlikely of places. And this radiance that never fades, this mysterious and magical joy is the greatest treasure of all -- one known only by those who love.

GO ONTO NEXT PART:

ch42 cont

Sun, 18 Mar 2007 03:49:21 GMT

When Hannah awoke the next morning, she sighed deeply knowing that they would have to leave here today. She hated knowing that they would have to go back to reality and face all their drama and dilemmas. She was just starting to get used to her and Jack being alone. She really enjoyed the time they spent together.

Most of it here in this bed, She thought to herself, blushing.

Hannah’s eyes widened when she noticed that Jack’s side of the bed was empty. She sprung up from the bed in fright, wondering where in the hell could he be. She knew that he had come to bed for they went to sleep at the same time.

After spending a few more hours sitting on the beach just talking and gazing out at the lake, they came back home and made love the rest of the night, falling asleep in each other’s arms. She knew that he could not have gone far.

She got up out of the bed and walked out into the hallway, searching for him. She sighed in relief when she heard the unmistakable sound of their shower running in the bathroom.

Hannah smirked when a thought suddenly popped into her head. She walked over to the bathroom and grasped the handle. She made sure to turn it very gently so he could not hear her walking in.

When she walked into the bathroom, she could hear him singing softly. She recognized the lyrics right away. It was from his all time favorite song, “Plastic Jesus.” She clamped a hand over her mouth to stifle her chuckles. It was not because she thought he sounded badly. Jack had an amazing singing ability. It was just humorous to actually witness him doing something such as this. It was so out of character for his badboy persona he always tried to maintain.

Hannah liked seeing this lighthearted side of himself. It was rarity that anyone got to see him so laidback. She was honored that he would feel comfortable enough to show his true self to her. It made her feel more comfortable as well.

She peeled Jack’s long t-shirt over her body that she was wearing as a nightgown and threw it onto the floor.

Hannah tightly closed her eyes and drudged up all of the courage inside of herself that she could for what she was about to do.

Before she had a chance to talk herself out of it, she gripped the shower curtain and pulled it aside, revealing herself to him.

Jack jumped back in fright and his eyes widened as he saw Hannah standing there naked before him.

“What the hell are ya doing?” He asked her breathlessly. His chest felt so constricted he could barely speak let alone breath. It felt as if all the blood that was in his chest rushed southward in a matter of seconds.

Hannah smiled and slowly and cautiously stepped into the shower to stand in front of him. She leaned up on her tiptoes to wrap her arms around his neck, “I was wondering if your offer from yesterday still stands.”

Jack shook his head, “I was only kidding with ya bout that.”

She nodded, “Oh, so would ya like me to leave?”

Hannah acted as if she were about to step back out of the shower, but Jack wrapped one arm tightly around her waist, bringing her flush up against his chest. He buried his face in her neck and whispered in her ear, “Where do ya think you’re going, hmm?”

She smiled and shook her head, “I thought maybe I wasn’t wanted.”

Jack chuckled softly, “Oh, you’re wanted, baby.” He rested his hand upon her stomach and pulled her even closer to his body, wanting her to feel his arousal.

Hannah bit her bottom lip and softly groaned as Jack pulled the shower curtain closed.

After they took one of the longest showers in history, they both packed and got dressed.

Hannah was lounging against the car, when Jack came out of the registration office to give the key back.

He walked over to her, asking, “Ya ready?”

She nodded and sighed, “Yeah.”

Jack immediately noticed the distress on her face and cupped her cheek, asking her, “What’s wrong, Hannah?”

Hannah shook her head, “Nothing, just sad to leave here.”

He nodded and sighed, “Yeah, I know. I had a really good time.”

She smiled, “So did I. We should do this again sometime.”

Jack nodded his head, “Yeah, no doubt. I like when it’s just me and you.”

“Oh, I bet ya do. “ Hannah said cheekily.

He bowed his head bashfully. He opened the car door for her and shook his head amusedly, “Get in the car, nympho.”

She chuckled softly as she stepped into her car.

Jack walked around the car, opened the door and stepped inside.

He turned to Hannah and sighed, “So…ya ready?”

She shook her head, “Not really.”

Jack nodded and smiled, “Me neither.”

“But we can’t run away and hide forever.” Hannah spoke in a solemn tone.

He arched his eyebrow, “Says who?”

Hannah smiled sadly, “Running away from your problems doesn’t solve anything, Jackie.”

She averted her gaze outside the window, not saying another word.

Jack glanced over at her momentarily before switching on the ignition.

Their vacation had just ended a mere minute ago and all ready their troubles were surfacing again.

Jack shook his head and rolled his eyes, thinking to himself, Let the fun begin

TBC…

I know, long chapter, but some good stuff, huh? LOL!

Coming up in the next chapter..

Lynn has her baby, but will she keep it?

Lament-Chapter 41

Sat, 10 Mar 2007 07:26:00 GMT

Chapter 41: I Will Remember You

"Time is not what you think. Dying? Not the end of everything. We think it is. But what happens on earth is only the beginning."
-Mitch Albom, The Five People You Meet in Heaven

Author Notes: I would recommend listening to The Fray‘s “How To Save A Life” for this chapter. I was listening to it as I was writing it.

This is more of a Josh chapter. I really wanted to dedicate this chapter to such a deserving character. I really think that Josh is the heart of the story.

Evelyn had not left the young man’s bedside all night. She dared not even close her eyes for a moment. She spent most of her time praying. Her eyes intently stared upon him closely studying his weakened state. His febrile symptoms were slowly starting to become less severe, but he was nowhere near in the safety zone. His concussion was to the point of almost life threatening. There was no telling when he would awake from unconsciousness. He still had a lot of healing left to do.

Not only physically, but spiritually as well.

She knew not how he survived even this long, but she had not herself to credit for that. It was solely God’s divine work.

It was hard for her to comprehend the strife and turmoil that this young man was going through. While it was true that she has traveled the world and seen many horrific sights and some of the lowest forms of human degradation imaginable. She could not even pretend as if she knew what it was like. She has never had any firsthand experience and never wants to.

Evelyn shook her head and heaved an anguished sigh.

The poor child, she said to herself in sorrow.

The inexplicable acts of violence and debauchery this man has witnessed and experienced were a thing of the past. To think that he had lost the one person in the world whom meant the most to him.

And he did not even know it…

She would undoubtedly help this man in anyway that she can. Regardless of the consequences and circumstances. Everything that he has been through was inevitably leading him to God’s Graces.

While she may not yet understand why thing such as this happen. Maybe she was not supposed to. Maybe God had put her on this Earth in order to guide wayward souls in need and adhere to their aide. She truly believes that everyone was in this world to serve a special purpose. She knows without any shadow of a doubt this is hers.

Ever since she was a little girl all she has wanted to do was help people. She wants to help because people shouldn't suffer as they do. Because, if there isn't any bigger meaning, then the smallest act of kindness is the greatest thing in the world.

Kindness is the only service that will stand the storm of life and not wash out. It will wear well and be remembered long after the prism of politeness or the complexion of courtesy has faded away. When she is gone, she hopes it can be said of her that she plucked a thistle and planted a flower wherever she thought a flower would grow.

No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.

Let us not underestimate how hard it is to be compassionate. Compassion is hard because it requires the inner disposition to go with others to the place where they are weak, vulnerable, lonely, and broken. But this is not our spontaneous response to suffering. What we desire most is to do away with suffering by fleeing from it or finding a quick cure for it.

As busy, active, relevant human beings living in this society, we want to earn our bread by making a real contribution. This means first and foremost doing something to show that our presence makes a difference. And so we ignore our greatest gift, which is our ability to enter into solidarity with those who suffer. Those who can sit in silence with their fellowman, not knowing what to say but knowing that they should be there, can bring new life in a dying heart. Those who are not afraid to hold a hand in gratitude, to shed tears in grief and to let a sigh of distress arise straight from the heart can break through paralyzing boundaries and witness the birth of a new fellowship, the fellowship of the broken.

She expects to pass through this world but once. Any good thing, therefore, that she can do or any kindness she can show to any fellow human being… let her do it now. Let her not defer nor neglect it, for she shall not pass this way again.

Evelyn stands up out of her chair and walks over to his bedside. She tightly grasped the railing of the bed as leverage and leaned over him, gently swiping his hair out of his eyes.

She shook her head as tears began rapidly cascading down her cheeks, but she did not make any attempts to heed them. She just was too exhausted physically and emotionally.

Her jaw locked in anger and she gritted her teeth. Both of her hands were grasping the railing so tightly that her knuckles turned white. She gave a sideways glance to the door and shook her head disdainfully.

It baffled her as to why she was sitting here and not his own mother. Hell, not even his brother came by to see if he was all right. She refused to believe the excuse that he was not yet aware of the tragic accident. He was a very highly respected, distinguished and most importantly…powerful detective in the Detroit Police Department, surely he would have been one of the first people notified, especially since it was his brother whom was involved. She also could not seem to wrap her psyche around the fact that the mother had not shown up yet, but did she really expect her to?

Josh’s mother did not care if he lived or died since the dawning of his fruition, why would she suddenly start to now? She was most likely so stoned out of her mind she had not a clue as to what was going on.

There's an old proverb that says you can't choose your family. You take what the fates hand you. And like them or not, love them or not, understand them or not, you cope. Then there's the school of thought that says the family you're born into is simply a starting point. They feed you, and clothe you, and take care of you, until you're ready to go out into the world and find your tribe.

When are we born? When do we die? Why are we born? Why do we die? The world has been destroyed and we've fallen countless times, always resurrecting from the ashes as Paradise. It has happened before, and it will happen again. An endless cycle of life and death. The world is a Paradise that was opened by someone, but this era too is almost at an end. We have acquired the means to exceed our natural span of life, never suspecting that the world itself was finalized in its existence.

This knowledge has left her in despair, her fate has fallen and scattered like the petals of a dying flower, like the blast from a sand storm it has been warn down and weathered away. As if to be purified, the world will be encased in ice so that it can return to the beginning once more.

Evelyn genuinely believes that everything in this world happens for a reason. That there is a meaning behind every little thing, and such a meaning behind this. Part for him, part for her…all of them. They may not see it all real clear right now, but they will, before long.

Fate is like a small sandstorm that keeps changing directions. You change direction but the sandstorm chases you. You turn again, but the storm adjusts. Over and over you play this out, like some ominous dance with death just before dawn. Why? Because this storm isn't something that blew in from far away, something that has nothing to do with you. This storm is you. Something inside of you. So all you can do is give in to it, step right inside the storm, closing your eyes and plugging up your ears so the sand doesn't get in, and walk through it, step by step.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

Evelyn’s eyes widened and she gasped aloud in shock when she noticed Josh’s eyelids fluttering. A bright beaming smile came upon her face as she saw him trying to attempt to open his eyes.

She closed her eyes, silently thanking every deity above for sparing this young man’s life. It instilled the hope inside of her that there was truly a God above. Miraculous things such as this remind you of that.

It had only affirmed to her what she had all ready known in her heart. It was not Josh’s time to leave this Earth. The Lord still saw it fit to save him for he had a purpose for him.

It's his destiny to continue to live, even if it may result in the destruction of his own humanity, but he can also die here. Life and death are of equal value to him. Dying of his own free will. That is the one and only absolute freedom there is.

Humans constantly feel pain in their hearts because the heart is so sensitive to pain. Humans also feel that to live is to suffer. They are so delicate, like glass, especially their hearts.

This is mankind's fate. The thread of human hope is spun with the flax of sorrow.

Josh slowly opened his eyes. His vision was foggy and obscured in haziness making it hard for him to discern his surroundings. All he knew was that he is completely stripped bare of his clothing and was lying in a soft bed under heavy warm wool blankets. Some unknown person had also cleaned and bandaged his wounds. He had intravenous tubes hooked up in both of his arms. He also had some sort of breathing device inserted into both of his nostrils.

His head was pulsating in a pounding rhythm. It felt as if his head was entirely split into two. Never has he felt agonizing pain such as this. He made several vain attempts to lift his head up, but ultimately failed in his endeavors. Every time he would try to lift it, he felt as if he were on a merry-go-round. His head was dead weight and useless for the time being.

Nausea washed over him with a brutal force.

Every nerve, tendon and bone in his body felt as if they were on fire. He felt as if he were ran over by a truck. Never has he felt such excruciating pain in his entire life. He could not even lift a finger, that was how badly he hurt.

He could not even bat an eyelid without pain protruding upon him. He has never felt like this before, so useless and…vulnerable. His independent nature told him that this was unacceptable for him to be in such a state. He abhorred the feeling of succumbing to someone else’s will. He had vowed to himself a long time ago that his days of being submissive and weak were over.

When his eyes slowly came into focus he saw what appeared to be Evelyn Mercer standing at his bedside.

Josh shook his head in bafflement. How the hell did he get here? For the life of him, he could not seem to remember anything. The only thing he remembered is picking up Amanda at her house. It was if he had blocked out everything else. It was almost as if he had amnesia or something.

Could it be that he did not want to remember it?

“What the hell happened to me? Where am I?” He softly beseeched of her.

Evelyn could barely make out what he was saying. His voice was husky and haggard, coming out in a throaty whisper. It was mostly likely due to the breathing tube that was inserted in his throat.

She reached over to the table beside his bed and filled a plastic cup with ice water. She put it up to his mouth and cupped his chin, urging him to drink.

Josh nodded and smiled gratefully.

He lifted his head up slightly as she slowly poured the contents of the cup down his throat. The gelid sensation of the ice water coating his burning throat felt like heaven. He was so thirsty that he drank the entire cup in under a minute.

“Do ya want another cup?” Evelyn asked him kindly.

He shook his hand, “No, thanks. But I would like for ya to answer my question.”

She placed the empty cup back upon the table and gently laid her hand upon his. She gently grasped his fingers, squeezing them comfortingly and smiled warmly, “You’re in the hospital, Josh. You were involved in a terrible accident.”

Josh closed his eyes and sighed deeply. He shook his head, muttering an obscenity under his breath. Only he could be involved in shitty situations such as this.

Bad luck has been the epitome of his life. Maybe his mother was right about him all of those years. The only thing he was ever really good for was screwing up. He was an all around fuck up, just like his good old daddy. The only thing he had going for him was Amanda. She is the only good thing he has in this godforsaken life. She’s the best thing that could have happened to a bastard such as himself. He truly does not know what he would do without her in his life. She is the best thing that has ever happened to him. She is the only reason why he is living.

Amanda is his life. She is his entire existence.

Josh’s eyes widened in panic. He takes a hold of Evelyn’s sleeve tightly, saying desperately, “Where’s Amanda? Is she all right?”

She bowed her head and heaved an anguished sigh. How in the world was she going to answer that question? Where on Earth can you possibly muster up enough courage to tell someone that their entire world was about to irrevocably change forever? How can you find the words to tell someone that they were never going to see the person whom they loved most in this world ever again?

Maybe there is no right way or wrong way to tell someone such news. Nothing you can do or say is going to make them feel anything but terrible sadness. No matter how comforting you may try to be someone in grievance, it is not going to ease their solace, nor is it going to lessen the pain any. It is something they must deal with on their own. The only way you can adhere to their aide is by letting them know you’re there for them, regardless if they may push you away. Just by letting them know you’re close by, for whenever they may need you is enough. It has to be.

Josh could tell by her solemn demeanor that something was seriously wrong. He had always considered himself an expert on reading people’s actions. Living the life he had, you had to be. It was the only way to survive.

“What’s wrong? Tell me what happened. ” He said demandingly in a very persistent tone.

Evelyn lifted her head and shook it sadly. She had fresh tears brimming her eyes, which she was trying her damnedest to heed, but was failing miserably in the process.

She smiled through her tears and reached her hand over his bed, gently swiping his hair back away from his forehead by coming her fingers through it. She whispered to him soothingly, “Just try to get some sleep. Ya need the rest. It will do ya good.”

Josh shook his head adamantly, “No…I wanna know. Where’s Amanda? Is she all right?”

Evelyn knew that there was not going to be any easy way for her say it. She took a deep breath in trepidation and grasped his hand more tightly in a firm grip. The tears she had been trying to keep at bay were now falling freely from her eyes, “Josh…I really do not know how to say this to you, sweetheart…but…Amanda’s…” She bowed her head and sighed, silently praying to God for his strength in her time of need.

His eyes widened in horror and he gasped aloud in shock. She did not even have to say the words. He could clearly see it written in her eyes. His entire body began violently shaking.

She lifted her head and opened her mouth to say something, but Josh lifted his hand up, silencing her before she could get a word out, “Don’t say it, don’t ya fuckin say it…” He shook his head as tears began cascading down his cheeks.

The thought suddenly occurred to him that this was the first time he has cried since he was seven years of age. His father had always told him real men never cry. But what else would you have him do considering that his entire life was crumbling and tumbling down around him?

Evelyn heaved and anguished sigh and whispered, “She’s gone…Josh.”

Josh tightly closed his eyes and shook his head in disbelief, “No…Jesus, God…no. Please, don’t play with me like that. That’s not funny.” He opened his eyes and smiled through his tears. He pointed at her with his index finger accusingly, “Ya just fuckin around with me, aren’t ya? She’s perfectly fine, right? She’s perfectly fine…perfectly fine…”

He kept repeating those words over and over again, as if he was trying to convince himself.

She shook her head sadly and sighed. This had to be the most heartbreaking thing she has ever witnessed in all her whole entire fifty seven years upon this Earth. That was an amazing feat considering she has experienced firsthand some of the lowest forms of dehumanization and degradations to humanity. This had to be the most hardest thing she has ever had to do in her life.

Evelyn slowly eased her hand out of his grasp and gently laid it atop of his head as she whispered to him, “There was nothing they could do for her, Josh. It was too late.”

Josh let out a susurration of a gasp, his eyes widening in realization. Slowly, but surely he was starting to recall what had happened. The images began playing through his mind like a film reel. The images were distorted, grainy and choppy, making it hard for him to discern a clear picture for his mind was still yet addled with confusion and disillusionment.

“I killed her.” He whispered dazedly.

Evelyn shook her head in bafflement, “Killed her? What are you talking about, child? You did not kill her.”

Josh nodded his head as the tears fell heavily from his eyes, “Yes, I did. I was the one behind the wheel. I was the one who was in control and I fucked it all up.” He closed his eyes and let out a shaky sigh, “Oh God, I killed her.”

She cupped his face in her hands and turned his head to face her. Josh had his eyes cast downward, refusing to look at her. She shook him slightly, silently demanding that he meet her gaze, which he did…reluctantly.

Evelyn spoke in a stern, but gentle tone, “Hear me well, son. Ya had absolutely nothing to do with her death. Do ya understand me? Nothing. What happened was completely out of your control. There was nothing anyone could have done to save her.”

Josh shook his head and sighed, “Why didn’t they just take me? Why her? Why did the one thing in the world that meant the most to me have to be taken away? What did I do that was so fuckin bad, huh?”

She looked at him helplessly, wishing she had words for him to say at this moment to ease his suffering, but she could not seem to find any.

Why are we so afraid of death?

Maybe it’s because we do not know when we will die, we get to think of life as an inexhaustible well, and yet everything happens only a certain number of times, a small number really. How many more times will you remember a certain afternoon in your childhood, an afternoon that is so deeply a part of your being that you can't even conceive your life without it? Perhaps for four or five times more, perhaps not even that. How many more times will you watch the full moon rise? Perhaps twenty, and yet it all seems limitless.

Death is the only event, which we can predict with absolute certainty, and yet it is the event about which the majority of human beings refuse to think at all until faced with the imminent and personal issue. People face death in many different ways; some bring to the adventure a feeling of self-pity, and are so occupied with what they have to leave behind, what is about to end for them, and the relinquishing of all they have gathered in life, that the true significance of the inevitable future fails to arrest their attention.

Others face it with courage, making the best of what may not be evaded, and look up into the face of death with a gallant gesture because there is nothing else they can do . . . Still others refuse altogether to consider the possibility; they hypnotize themselves into a condition wherein the thought of death is refused all lodgment in their consciousness, and they will not consider its possibility, so that when it comes, it catches them unawares; they are left helpless and unable to do more than simply die.

The only thing that burns in hell is the part of you that won't let go of your life: your memories, your attachments. They burn them all away, but they're not punishing you, they're freeing your soul. If you're frightened of dying and you're holding on, you'll see devils tearing your life away. If you've made your peace, then the devils are really angels freeing you from the earth.

Dying is easy. It's living that's hard.

GO ONTO NEXT PART

CHAPTER 41 CONT

Sat, 10 Mar 2007 07:24:48 GMT

The small room was shrouded in a murky, inky black darkness. It was so quiet in the room you could hear a pin drop. The desolate silence was burdening and overwhelming. Jack would never admit it aloud, but he was always very frightened of the dark. Maybe that was because bad things always seemed to happen to him in the dark. Some would say it was just atypical fear stemming from his childhood. That seemed very logical considering every goddamned fear he had was a productivity of his early developmental years.

Maybe it is not the dark he is so much afraid of. Maybe he is more afraid of the dark within himself.

Have you ever had your cards read?

Each card has its own name: The Magician; The Empress; The Fool; The Wheel of Fortune; Strength. They represent challenges and tests, twists of fate. No card is all good or all bad. Cards can be positive or negative depending on where they fall. When you read someone's future, they must think of a question. They must hold it in their mind. The cards read in sequence, each card leads to the next. We move from terror and loss to unexpected good fortune and out of darkness hope is born.

Jack did not get one wink of sleep at all last night. He had spent a considerably large portion of the night comforting Hannah has she softly wept in his arms, until finally she had exhausted herself so much she had eventually fallen asleep.

The rest of the night he had spent lying there with her in the hospital bed, carefully and intently watching over her form, just letting her know that he was there for her.

Hannah was still tightly clutching his shirt and her face was buried in his chest. Tear tracks, the residue of last’s night events stained her cheeks. Even in sleep, there was this troublesome and saddened look deeply etched into her features. It faintly reminded him of the look he had seen on her face when he first met her. He never wanted to see that look upon her face ever again, but it was as if all the events that had transpired last night had brought all the pain, sorrow and memories she was trying her damnedst to forget back once again.

He should have known that it was all too good to be true and that their happiness would be short-lived. It was inevitable. People such as themselves do not get breaks. Maybe his parents were right about him. He was a curse since the day he was born. Everything he touches or is in his presence turns to shit.

It took all of his strength not to react to how strongly their words affected him. He was not deaf nor blind. He had seen the looks of disgust and resentment in their eyes whenever they looked upon him. He had heard their whispers and accusations. Never was he naïve to think that he belonged here. His deeds had damned him for eternity. He was tainted and impure by the violence and monstrosities of his past. Their hands were clean while his were dripping with blood. He was just a demon trying to play the part of an angel. He would never fit in. He was an outcast from the beginning and he was a fool to ever think that it would change.

Jack finally understands what all this is, how it was all possible. It took Hannah almost being taken away from him to finally realize what he had been denying to himself all along.

Now he sees, good lord, how his must look from out there. His addiction is evil. The propensity for this evil lies in his weakness before it. Evelyn was right - there is an awful precipice before him. But he was wrong about the leap - there's a difference between jumping and being pushed. You reach a point where you are forced to face your own needs, and the fact that you can't terminate the situation settles on you with full force.

To face what we are in the end, we stand before the light and our true nature is revealed. Self-revelation is annihilation of self.

The old adage from Santayana that those who don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it, is a lie. There is no history. Everything we are is eternally with us.

We are not sinners because we sin. We sin because we're sinners.

It's not brave if you're not scared.

If Hannah has any sense she should have left him a long time ago. If she is dumb enough to stay, then she deserves the heart-stomping that she will eventually get by being with him. He wishes with everything in him that he could think otherwise, but he cannot. It is just the kind of man he is.

As much as it pains him to even think it, she's not good enough. She's not going to be enough for him, because no one ever is. This hole inside of him is so deep and it is so embedded, no woman could ever hope to fill it up. She isn't going to be good enough. She's not going to be loyal enough, and she certainly will not be strong enough to ease his pain or to fix him in all the ways that he is broken. He is wrecked inside and nothing or no one can change that. The damage is irreparable and irrevocable and eventually he will wreck everyone around him.

Misery loves company, does it not?

Jack yearns for her to come and find him in this dark, lonely abyss he is submersed within. He wants to feel her. He needs to hear her. She is the light that is leading him to the place where he can find peace again. She is the strength that keeps him walking. She is the hope that keeps him trusting. She is the life to his soul and is his purpose for everything. How can he lay here with her and not be moved by her? Would you tell him how could it be any better than this? She calms the storms and gives him rest. She holds him in her hands. She will not let him fall. She is all he has ever wanted and is everything he needs for the rest of his life. She is everything to him.

You could blame it just on chance, but that wouldn't be right. He truly believes he met her because of fate. Because there are so many reasons why they shouldn't have met, but they did. And now it feels like the same thing over again. You could say its just chance......but he believes its fate.

Nothing could change his opinion otherwise.

He doesn’t pretend to know what love is for everyone, but he can tell you what it is for him. Love is knowing all about someone, and still wanting to be with them more than any other person. It is trusting them enough to tell them everything about yourself, including the things you might be ashamed of. It is feeling comfortable and safe with someone, but still getting weak knees when they walk into a room and smile at you.

Her touches burn on his skin, and when she smiles at him, his day always goes better. She’s vibrant and golden and everything beautiful in the world, and he’s nothing really, but she treats him like he’s something. She’s the balm to his troubled soul, the one who casts the shadows away when they’re burying him far too deep.

Did you ever meet someone and have them totally change your life? That every thought you ever had about life and yourself was changed … the way you look at life and people and even breathe. It's like all that time you were hiding inside yourself till that person came into your life and suddenly everything was different. But even though they changed the way you looked and felt about things, they made you perhaps a little more cynical and untrusting of the world. And somehow it has to be learned that it's possible to trust again. And not everyone is going to stare you in the face and lie to you. But it's learning that, that's the hard part. It's not going to happen in a day … a week, or a month, but pretty soon you'll begin to realize that not everyone is going to hurt you. And that's when you're happy.

How do you deal with the guilt of your past? How do you hide the shame? And how can you smile when your heart has been broken? And filled in with so much pain?

The important thing is not to be bitter over life's disappointments. Learn to let go of the past and recognize that everyday won't be sunny. And when you find yourself lost in the darkness and despair remember it's only in the black of night you can see the stars and those stars will lead you back home. So don't be afraid to make mistakes, to stumble, to fall, cause most of the time the greatest rewards come from doing the things that scare you the most. Maybe you'll get everything you wish for. Maybe you'll get more than you ever could have imagined. Who knows where life will take you. The road is long and in the end the journey is the destination.

When life comes rushing at you from out of the darkness, who will you choose to face it with? Will it be someone you trust? Will they be wise? And will their love for you help them to guide you to the light? Or will they lose their way in the darkness. Will they make noble choices or will that person be someone untested? Someone new? Life comes rushing at you from out of the darkness. When it does - is there someone in your life you can count on? Someone who'll watch over you when you stumble and fall and in that moment give you the strength to face your fears alone?

There's not another face in all the world that he wants to stare at. For months it just kept calling out to him. Shining like some kind of light in the darkness. The first time he saw her face... or the first time he remembers anyway... it was like there was something in him sleeping that was waking up. And he just... he had to... he wasn't thinking, not for a second. He just did what he thought was right. That's why he saved her that night. Not to just bring her back, but to kind of bring himself back to life as well.

The sheer thought of losing her was entirely too much for him to bear. If something had happened to her or if she….

Jack shook his head, ridding his mind of such horrific thoughts. He could not even think it. The thought was entirely too much for him to handle.

He suddenly began thinking about Josh and how terrible he must be feeling. Shit, that was if he even knew. Jack had a not a clue if he had awoken from his coma. As of now, the fate of Josh’s life was still yet to be determined. But he could not help himself to think that maybe him dying as well would not be such a terrible thing. Without having Amanda here with him, it would be almost as if he had died anyway. Sure, he still may have been here in the physical sense, but emotionally and spiritually, he died as soon as Amanda had.

As horrible as it may have been to think such fucking crazy thoughts. It was the God’s honest truth. Jack knows what it is like to love someone more than yourself, whose sole purpose of waking up each and every single day is the thought of knowing that you will see their face.

He softly caresses her cheekbone with his knuckles in a feather light touch. He tightly closes his eyes, thinking to himself, God, please don't ever take her away. There is not too much in this world that means anything to me right now, but without her I am going to stop caring ... my heart is going to break when hers stops ... and I am not going to be able to go on ... I am not going to be able to smile once she is gone.

Jack was thwarted out of his reverie by someone rapping lightly on the door.

He did not want to move nor make a sound for fear of disturbing Hannah. She had just been through a very trying ordeal and had a very long night.

They both did…

She needed all the rest she could get. He knew how exhausted she was, mind, body and soul. He saw it just by looking into her weary eyes. The light that he had once seen shining so brilliantly was now gone, leaving nothing but a lifeless and soulless stare. He would do anything in this world to bring her back to him.

He averted his head only and whispered, “Come in.”

The door slowly creaked opened and Jack’s eyes widened by whom was standing there.

His eyes rolled upward to the heavens and he let out an exacerbated sigh.

It was none other than Ebony and Ivory, also known as Detective Green and Detective Fowler.

Of all the people to come upon them at this moment.

The two detectives turned to one another and smirked, sharing a knowing look.

Detective Green averted his attention back toward Jack and softly beseeched of him, “Is this a bad time?”

Jack quickly looked downward as he felt Hannah beginning to stir beside him. Her eyes opened and slowly focused upon him. She shook her head as if clearing it out of a daze.

“What’s going on?” Her voice was laced with sleepiness . He could tell just by the weariness and grogginess in her eyes that she was not fully awake yet.

As if somehow sensing their presence, Hannah shifted her attention over to the two men standing at the archway of the door.

She averted her attention back to Jack and met his gaze directly, silently asking him what was going on.

Jack answered her by shrugging his shoulders.

Hannah felt really uncomfortable lying with Jack like this in such a compromising position and in a bed no less! She quickly sat up in the bed, but instantly regretted it. For as soon as she did, everything in the room started spinning and she felt this overwhelming bout of nausea come upon her.

She looked over at the two men, her eyes roving up and down their forms in assessment. As soon as she laid her eyes upon these two men, she had these small inkling that she knew whom they were. She always trusted her gut instincts and now was no exception to that rule. There was no doubt in her mind that this was not the first time she has laid her eyes upon these two men, but for the life of her she could not seem to figure out where.

As these two men stared at her, the looks on their faces told her that they also seemed to know her as well.

Hannah wondered if maybe she had serviced them during her streetwalking days, but it was just so hard for her to recall. When she tried looking back on it, she could never really seem to remember those days. It was not as if she wanted to anyway. Besides, even if they were her customers at one time, she would never have known it. She had been in the business for so long that after awhile, it just sort of became monotonous. She did not remember any of her Johns’ faces. Not even one of them.

Could it be that she did not want to remember? Her mind always had a habit of blocking out certain parts of her memory, especially when it pertained to something horrific. It was an ability she had perfected early on as a child. It was the only way in which she could survive. It was almost like a coping defense mechanism in a way.

Jack climbed out of the bed. He stood in front of Hannah’s bed as if shielding, guarding and protecting her from these two men. Considering what these two fools were known for, she was going to need it.

Hell, maybe they both did.

Jack crossed his arms over his chest and asked them, “Can I help ya gentlemen?”

Detective Green smiled and lifted up both of his hands in a caricature of surrender, “Easy there, little man. We come in peace.”

Detective Fowler nodded his head, “Yeah, we just came here to get Ms. Mercer’s statement pertaining to the accident last night.” He stuffed his hands into his pocket and lifted his chin high in the air, trying to give off an air of intimidation. The key word here kiddies is…trying.

Jack shook his head in bafflement as he looked at Detective Fowler incredulously. Damn, it seems as if the boys don’t waste no time. They get hard-ons for shit such as this. Especially when it concerns the Mercer family. They thrive on ways to bring the Mercers down. They have been doing everything in their power in order to do so, using any means necessary. It was as if they were lying in wait for the next time he or one of his brothers fucked up and considering their track records, they never had to wait long.

In a lot of ways, these two men could not be to blame considering that most of the trouble they got themselves in, they did it to themselves. There was one thing you could say about the Mercer brothers. No matter where they went, they always seemed to find trouble, or maybe it seemed to find them.

“Could that wait until later?” Jack asked them in exasperation.

Detective Green nodded and said, “Yeah, it could. But the only reason why we wanna get it now is cause it’s fresh in her mind. “

Jack turned around and looked over at Hannah. She was still sitting up in the bed, clutching her knees. She looked almost like a fragile little girl sitting there. Maybe that was because in a lot of ways, she was.

He placed a hand upon her shoulder and leaned over, whispering in her ear, “Ya feel up to talking?”

Hannah made no attempts to answer his question, nor did she seem to be anytime soon. He lightly shook her to rouse her from her seemingly catatonic state.

Hannah slightly jumped and whipped her head around, gazing up at Jack.

“Are ya all right? He asked her concernedly.

She shook her head and nodded, “Yeah…I’m…fine.” She averted her attention towards the two detectives and asked them, “What’d ya wanna know?”

Detective Green shrugged, “Just anything ya can seem to remember is fine. Just whatever ya remember.”

Hannah nodded her head. She stared intently downward at her folded hands which were placed in her lap. She tightly closed her eyes, willing her mind to remember the previous night’s events.

Jack sat back down upon the bed and braced his hands upon her shoulders, rubbing them soothingly in a comforting manner. He wanted to try and do everything he could to make her feel safe. He wanted her to know he was here for her and that no one would harm her ever again, no matter what.

Detective Green opened up his notepad as did Detective Fowler. They stood in front of her bed, anxiously watching her, anticipating her next move.

Hannah’s eyes began swelling up with tears as previous night’s events began playing within her head. She tightly closed her eyes and sighed deeply. She took a few deep breaths to steady her disarrayed nerves, “All I remember is us driving home from Jack’s gig. It was…really…stormy out….The rain was coming down so hard Josh could barely see the road…” She took a moment of deliberation and sighed, shaking her head.

Detective Green smiled at her, saying reassuringly, “It’s all right, honey. Ya doing good, take ya time.”

She nodded her head, “Mandy wanted to pull over and wait until the rain slowed down, but Josh couldn’t do that cause we were on the highway…He said that once we got off, we would…” She let out a shaky sigh, “We just never got that chance…”

“What happened before that?” Detective Fowler asked her in an adamant and persistent tone.

Jack looked at the Detective with anger emblazoned in his eyes. He wanted to jump off of this bed and beat the living daylights out of that son of a bitch. The nerve of that asshole to talk to her like when all she was doing was trying to help them. He could really see why everyone in the neighborhood hated him. He was the type of guy where you could spend one minute with him and want to kill him. It was just as simple as that. He was an arrogant, egotistical bastard and everyone knew it.

Shit, even his own brother did not want to be bothered with him.

Hannah sighed exasperatingly and shook her head, “The details are sketchy. All I remember is Josh saying that someone was trying to cut him off.”

Detective Green’s eyes widened, “He said that?”

She nodded her head, “Yeah…I remember a car hitting the passenger side of the car…where…” She bowed her head, whispering sadly and brokenly, “Where Mandy was…another car hit us head on…then another from behind…I blacked out after that…”

Detective Green was still writing in his notepad when he asked her, “That’s all you remember?”

Hannah nodded her head yes.

Jack looked at Hannah perplexingly. He was absolutely shocked when he listened to her recalling the details of the accident. The way she described it seemed so…unreal. Her story did not sit well with him for some reason. It was not as if he thought she was not telling the truth. That was not the case at all. What frightened him the most was that he wholeheartedly believed her. The way she described it sounded almost as if these cars intentionally hit them. Almost as if they were solely targeting them, but why? Or more importantly whom would want to do something such as that? For what reason would anyone have an intent to kill them?

His eyes widened in realization as he looked at Detective Fowler.

He nodded his head and sneered in disgust.

Of course, it was all starting to become clear to him now.

“Was anyone else hurt?” Hannah beseeched of them.

Jack looked at them expectantly. He was very curious about that himself.

The Detectives’ both looked at one another.

Detective Green averted his attention back to Hannah and shook his head, “Thankfully…no one else was injured.”

Jack looked at both of the detectives in wide-eyed shock.

Hannah scoffed and looked at him incredulously, “Thankfully no one else was hurt? Was Mandy and Josh nothing?” She turned to Detective Fowler and let out a dry laugh, “Maybe to you he wasn’t. How come you’re standing here worrying bout me when your brother’s upstairs in a coma fighting for his life?”

Detective Fowler bowed his head ashamedly and refused to look anywhere in her vicinity.

Jack smiled proudly as he looked at her, Ya tell em, baby He silently thought to himself.

She was right to say what she had. Every damn word of it and he knew it. Detective Fowler kept his head bowed, almost as if he could barely look at her.

Detective Green darted his eyes back and forth wearily between Hannah and Detective Fowler. He smiled awkwardly and sighed, shaking his head, “Well, I think that we got all we need here. “ He turned to his partner, “We should get going , huh?”

Detective Fowler nodded his head, but did not say one word. For what could he say after being called out rightfully?

Detective Green extended his hand outward to Jack. He put his hand in his and quickly shook it.

Detective Green smiled at him, “I’ll be seeing ya round, man.”

Jack nodded, “Probably.”

Detective Green shook his head amusedly. He proffered his hand to Hannah as well, which she took, also shaking it quickly.

“Thanks again for your help, Ms. Mercer.” Detective Green said to her in a grateful tone.

She shrugged, “I’m glad I could help. Please…call me Hannah.”

Detective Green smiled and nodded, “Hannah…well thanks again. You two have a good day now.”

Detective Green walked out of the room with Detective Fowler trailing closely behind him.

Jack kissed Hannah atop of her head and whispered, “I’ll be right back.”

He sprung up off of the bed and walked out of the room in a steadfast pace.

Hannah watched him in confusingly as he walked out the door. She shook her head in bafflement and laid back down upon the bed. She was far too exhausted to deal with anymore drama and bullshit right now.

Jack saw the two detectives walking down the hallway towards the exit of the Emergency Room Unit.

Jack called out their names as he was walking down the hallway to meet them.

They both sighed in exacerbation when they turned around to see Jack standing in front of them.

“What the hell do ya want?” Detective Fowler asked exasperatingly.

“I wanna know what ya plan on doing bout the accident.” Jack demanded.

Detective Green shrugged, “Nothing, it was an accident and we’re treating it as such.”

They both knew something they did not want to divulge to him. It was written as clear as day on their faces, but of what, he was not entirely sure. There had to a be a logical and rational reason why the force sent Detectives out to round up witnesses’ statements. If it was just an accident, they would have sent regular uniformed officers, not suits. Something was definitely up. He could sense it.

Jack shook his head and sighed, “Are ya fuckin kidding me? Did ya hear her story? The cars were coming at them from all sides. They were fucking caging them in. What kind of accident ya ever hear of when cars collide like that unintentionally? Also, out of all those cars, and no one else got hurt.” He rolled his eyes, “If that doesn’t seem suspicious then I don’t know what is.” He sighed and softly chuckled, “But look who we’re dealing with. Maybe Bobby was right. Ya couldn’t find titties in a strip joint. “

Detective Fowler grabbed him by his collar and got into his face, saying menacingly, “Ya better watch how ya talk to people, ya little fuckin bastard.”

Jack smirked, “Truth hurts, doesn’t it, Fowler?”

Detective Green pulled his partner off of Jack, “Now, come on. We can’t be making a scene in the middle of a hospital like this.”

Jack shook his head bemusedly, “Ya guys must be pretty bored without Bobby and Angel around, huh?”

Detective Fowler smirked and nodded his head. He leaned over and whispered in Jack’s ear, “I’d be careful from now on if I was you. Ya don’t have Bobby to protect ya anymore.”

Jack stood there and looked straightforward, remaining as still and silent as a statue. He did not want to think that he was threatened or intimidated by him, which he was not.

Well, for the most part anyway. They were law enforcement and did have some semblance of power and influence around here. They could make his life a living hell if they wanted to, which in some ways, they all ready were.

Detective Green patted his partner on the back, “Come on, let’s get going.”

Detective Fowler nodded. He pointed his finger at Jack, “Remember what I said.”

Jack nodded his head.

He stuck both of his middle fingers up at them behind their backs as they were walking away.

He shook his head and sighed deeply.

Does the insanity ever end?

Do you know the definition of insanity? It is when you do the same thing over and over and expect a different result.

The conscious of guilt cannot bear the innocence of others: So they will try to reduce all others to their own level.

GO ONTO NEXT PART:

CHAPTER 41 CONT

Sat, 10 Mar 2007 07:23:20 GMT

It was late in the evening and Josh was all alone. Hannah and Jack had wanted to come and visit him, but he just did not feel like having any company right now. All he wanted to do was sit here in this empty room and wallow in his sorrow and grieve for the loss of the only person he has ever truly loved.

He had to practically force Evelyn to leave. She did not feel comfortable leaving him by himself, but after some heavy persuasion, she had relented and reluctantly left the room, vowing to come back and check upon him first thing in the morning. She was a right stubborn woman, that was for damn sure. She was frightened of what he might do, which was not surprising considering the heartbreaking news he had just learned a mere few hours ago.

Shit, even the doctors did not trust him by himself. He knew without any shadow of a doubt they had him on suicide watch. It was not as if they heeded any attempts to hide it. It was not hard to figure out considering that they had the blinds on his windows opened, watching his every move. They wanted to intently watch him, making sure he did not off himself when no one was looking. They had someone checking in on him almost every five minutes and also had someone safely guarding his door.

Josh understood their reasons, but it was not as if he had to like it. He loathed being under the microscope. He did not want anyone’s pity or empathy. No one worried about him under any other normal circumstances, why would they start now?

The only person that ever genuinely cared about his well being was gone…forever lost to him. As soon as he found out what had happened, it was as if he had died as well. Life no longer held the joy it once had, for she was the only true happiness he has ever known. Without her, he was a soulless empty shell of a being, a semblance of his former self. The self that Amanda had created and formed with her love, acceptance, gentleness and beauty.

Josh is going to have to get out of bed every morning, and live every day with her image forever etched into his memory. Every time he closes his eyes, he will see her face. Every time the room gets so silent you can hear a pin drop, her voice will come to him. Every time he blinks away the tears, her arms will enclose him. Every time he prays he will send kisses up to heaven for her. His only wish is that he didn't have to live here with her there.

If God had to take her, why did he not take him as well? Why should he be cursed to live this life without her? They had always promised one another they would stay together forever. He had always believed in his heart for that to be true. He had never doubted it for a second. He knows that he will come home to her one day. He hopes sooner, much rather than later.

'You'll get over it'. It's the clichés that cause the trouble. To lose someone you love is to alter your life forever. You don't get over it because 'it' is the person you loved. The pain stops, there are new people, but the gap never closes. How could it? The articulation of someone who mattered enough to grieve over is not made anodyne by death. This hole in his heart is in the shape of her and no one else can fit it. Why would he want them to?

Death ends a life, not a relationship.

When someone dies young, it is as if they stay that way forever.

There will never be another woman in his life. She was the first woman he has ever loved and will be the last.

Josh loved her with every fiber of his being.

That was the one quality about Amanda he loved the most, was her mind. He could sit and listen for hours as she enthusiastically spoke about her classes and some of the books that she was reading. He sometimes did not understand a word she was even saying, but she knew that and loved that he would patiently sit there and listen to her. She was the only one who had ever supported him in his art . Even when he doubted himself, she would always be there to make him feel better about himself. She made him better. He remembered how they would lie in bed after making incredible, mind blowing love and he would show her some of his drawings. She would always compliment him and tell him how beautiful they were. There were even times she would even let him draw her.

Now he will never have moments such as that ever again. He felt it, felt her death in the emptiness that had spread throughout his heart.

There were no dreams left to him. No hope. No love…

He had always tried to do right by her. The only thing that he had ever did to her was lie. He wished with all of his heart that he could have made it up to her. Now he would forever live with that burdening guilt of knowing that he never would get a chance to make it up to her.

Josh shook his head of those thoughts. He could not do this to himself right now. He would be damned if he let them see his weaknesses and vulnerability.

How did he end up like this? Why did he allow himself to be put in such a situation? The anger, hatred and self-loathing he felt towards himself made his blood boil. Sure, he used to get in trouble but he was trying to better himself in order to be able to have a life with Amanda. She made him want to be a better man and rectify all the mistakes he made in his life, but she was viciously taken from him. At this moment, he had given up on everything that he held true. Most importantly himself. Maybe in a way he deserved to have this happen to him. Maybe he was everything they said he was. He did not deserve Amanda’s compassion and he was a fool to even think that he deserved her. If she was smart enough, she should have ran as far away from him as possible. The only thing he caused her was trouble and now her…death.

Everyone he has ever loved as been taken from him. His father left when he was just eight years old. His brother wanted absolutely nothing to do with him and his mother treated him as if he did not exist. She had always looked at him as the reason why his father left. The only person he had and who ever gave a damn about him was Amanda and now she too was gone…forever.

Was this the way in which he would be punished for his actions toward others? Is this how his debt to God will be rightly paid in full? He knew without a doubt that he was paying for his deeds and losing the one thing in the process that is most of valor to him…his soul.

Why does he have to say goodbye? Why does it have to be her? Why does it have to be now? What is he supposed to learn? That death hurts? He knows it does, he’s feeling it and living it. He knows that it's never going to be the same. But can’t he learn that lesson without losing her?

The one thing he regrets the most is not being able to say that he loved her one last time. It would be something he will regret for the rest of his life.

Always remember the last thing you say to people each day, because what if it happens to be the last thing you ever get to say to them?

The next few days for Josh were like a blur. He could feel nothing. It was as if he was benumbed, mind, body and soul. He had refused to drink or eat anything, leaving the doctors’ no other choice but to feed him nutrients intravenously. They had him pumped with so many antidepressant drugs to tranquillize an elephant.

Evelyn, Hannah and Jack had come by every day to see him. He had always turned them away, making some bullshit excuse to the nurse that he was too tired or too sick to deal with anyone at the moment, but in all actuality, he just did not want to deal with the reality of the situation.

Even his so-called brother and mother tried to come see him, but he wanted absolutely nothing to do with them. They never fucking gave a damn if he lived or died any other time, why start caring now? He would be damned if he let them use him as a way of easing their conscience. He did not want them to rest easy at night. He wanted them to feel guilty. He wanted the guilt to gnaw at them and eat them up from the inside out. He wanted them to feel as much pain as he was feeling at this moment, but that could never be possible.

People such as that are incapable of feelings. They do not care about anyone but themselves. The only reason why they even came was to save face. He did not want their charity. He never wanted to lay his eyes on the two of them ever again. He was through with everything and everyone…most of all himself.

All he wanted to do was lie in this dark room, on this bed and curl up and die. He wanted to shut everyone out and forget the world ever existed. He was thoroughly convinced that he was losing his mind. He felt himself tethering upon the edge of insanity. All he needed was that one last final push to completely send him over the edge.

Amanda was the only one whom could shed light upon the dark, cold and lonely caverns of his soul. She was his lamp, leading him through the darkness in which he called his life.

The lamp is our search for truth... for understanding. Too often, we assume that the light on the wall is God, but the light is not the goal of the search, it is the result of the search. The more intense the search, the brighter the light on the wall. The brighter the light on the wall, the greater the sense of revelation upon seeing it. Similarly, someone who does not search - who does not bring a lantern - sees nothing. What we perceive as God is the by-product of our search for God. It may simply be an appreciation of the light... pure and unblemished... not understanding that it comes from us. Sometimes we stand in front of the light and assume that we are the center of the universe - God looks astonishingly like we do - or we turn to look at our shadow and assume that all is darkness. If we allow ourselves to get in the way, we defeat the purpose, which is to use the light of our search to illuminate the wall in all its beauty and in all its flaws; and in so doing, better understand the world around us.

What shall he do now that the light is gone, leaving him in the darkness all alone without no one to guide him? Maybe there is nothing else for him to do, but to succumb and surrender to its devices. He no longer has no fight left within him. He does not want go through this life without her.

Josh has to do something. He just has to. He cannot do this alone…living. This madness has to end once and for all.

Mourning is not forgetting... It is an undoing. Every minute passing has to be untied and something permanent and valuable recovered and assimilated from the dust. The end is gain, of course. Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be made strong, in fact. But the process is like all other human births, painful and long and dangerous.

His eyes sprung opened and he heaves and exacerbated sigh when he hears someone knocking lightly on his door.

He rolled his eyes, thinking it was yet another shrink wanting to lecture him with their psycho babble talk.

Josh’s eyes widen in surprise when he sees Evelyn, Hannah, and Jack all standing there in the doorway of his room.

He shook his head and rolled his eyes upward to the heavens.

Do these fuckin people ever give up? He asked himself.

“What the hell do ya’s want?” He asked them, his voice laced with agitation and weariness. All he wanted was to be left alone, why is it that no one could seem to understand that?

All three of them looked at one another and all had equally worried looks on their faces. Josh did not look well at all. His appearance was haggard and emasculated looking. His hair was stringy and oily and his face was covered in a beard, looking almost as if he has not shaven in almost five days. His eyes were bloodshot and brimming with unshed tears. Dark heavy bags were under his eyes, elucidating to them that he has not been sleeping well.

He looked almost like a broken, scared, little boy sitting there in the bed. Maybe in a lot of ways he was. As you looked at him, you could plainly see that this was not the same Josh they knew and loved. Gone was that youthful and vibrant look that shone brilliantly in his eyes and was now replaced with a vacant and lifeless steely gaze. The vigor and elation had completely vanished, leaving nothing more than an empty shell of a being. He was no longer that boyishly good looking boy with a quirky and outgoing and humorous personality that everyone knew and loved. In fact, they hardly recognized this boy before them at all. Not even a little bit. It was as if his old self and new self were entirely two different people. They were as polar opposite as night and day.

Josh’s demeanor did not surprise nor shock them considering all that he has been through. How do they expect him to be happy when the only joy he had ever known was now lost to him forever? You do not get over such a devastating loss such as that overnight.

Seeing Josh in such a state brought back all these terrible memories for Hannah of old adage. Memories that she had been trying her damnedst to forget, to escape and run away from ever since she was seven years of age. All the pain, misery and sadness of losing her parents came flooding back within her. It made her feel as if she had lost her parents all over again. To make it even worse, she now also had to deal with the burdening sadness of losing her best friend. The culmination of emotions was so overwhelming. For the past five days, she has done nothing but cry.

Hannah quickly glanced over at Jack and Evelyn and a small smile formed upon her face.

It was much different than when she was a little girl.

At least this time she did not have to grieve alone. How many nights has she cried herself to sleep in the comfort of Jack’s arms? It happened far too many times she had lost count. She had people by her side whom she loved and cared about very deeply and they too felt the same. If she did not have them in her life, she truly does not know how she would have survived. They adhered to her aide and have given her the strength to overcome so many insurmountable obstacles. They instilled within her the hope that there was good in the world again. It was moments such as these which remind us of all the people we take for granted in our lives.

Evelyn walked over to Josh’s bedside and smiled warmly at him, “How are you, dear?”

Josh shrugged and sighed, “Oh, I’m just great. Really, never been better.” His tone was dripping with sarcasm, laced with an underlying bitterness.

Josh looked over at Jack disdainfully.

He would never admit it aloud, but he was so damned jealous of him, he could hardly see straight. All he wanted to do was get out of this bed and beat the living daylights out of him. Never has he felt such seething anger in all his seventeen years. Not even towards his parents and brother. He just could not seem to wrap his psyche around why she was taken from him. Why did Jack get to spend his life with the one he loved and he could not? What was the matter with him? What the hell had he done in this life to warrant such misery? Did he not always try to follow the rules like a good boy?

Josh was a much better man than Jack. He knew without any shadow of a doubt he was. Jack did not deserve to have such a beautiful, devoted and caring girl loving him. He did not treat her with the utmost respect an incredible girl such as herself deserved. He was nothing but a bastard toward her. He did not love nor care about her. How the fuck could he have love for anyone else when he did not even love himself? A man like he will only ruin a girl such as that. He will inevitably be her downfall. Amanda’s death only further solidified what he had all ready known, but was too much of a pussy to admit to himself. It was a true testament to the fact that love does not conquer all. It will do nothing but wreck you, leaving you nothing but misery, bitterness and loneliness in the end.

He knew it was wrong to think it, but he wished with the lash shred of hope he had left in him that Hannah would have died in the car accident as well. He wanted Jack to feel the same sadness and pain he was feeling in this moment. He did not want to feel so alone in his sorrow. He felt so alone, so unwanted, so unloved and unappreciated. There was only one thing he wanted with him, but he could not have her. Where the hell was the logic in that? He does not understand why it had to happen to him. Maybe someday he will. Maybe he will never understand why. He will most likely be left to ponder upon it for the rest of his life. However long that may be.

If he had it his way, his life would have ended five days ago. In a lot of ways, it was as if it had. He all ready felt deadened in the soul. His life ended on the day he found out Amanda had left him. Nothing or no one can resurrect him.

Sometimes they take people, and they don't say why, sometimes people leave and never say goodbye. Sometimes there are no second chances to say I love you and sometimes there are no next times. Sometimes you lose someone and you feel like your heart has followed them to heaven. There is just nothing you can do to make the tears stop.

No grief and despair, just turn the page and forget…right?

Josh wished it could be that easy…

Evelyn glanced over at her children and they all shared a knowing look.

Josh darted his eyes back and forth between the three individuals. He shrugged and sighed in exacberation, “So, ya gonna tell me why the hell ya are here after I specifically said I didn’t want any visitors.”

Evelyn nodded and smiled sadly, “We came to ask if you would like to come with us to…” She bowed her head and sighed deeply, saying in a small voice, “Amanda’s…funeral?…”

Josh’s eyes widened and he quickly bowed his head as he felt the hot stinging tears running down his face, burning his cheeks. He did not want to be crying in front of anyone. It would only be further exemplifying what everyone had all ready known, he was nothing but a coward. Hearing those words coming out of Evelyn’s mouth was so hard to fathom. It felt almost like some surreal dream, like his worst nightmare was coming true. He was in sheer and utter denial that it was actual reality, he refused to believe it. He did not want to face the truth and no one else could convince him otherwise.

Hannah walked over to his bedside and stood next to Evelyn. She placed her hand upon his shoudler, saying in a reassuring tone, “We understand if ya don’t feel comfortable going.”

Evelyn nodded, “Yes, we know how…terrible you must be feeling. You’ve just been through a horrible ordeal. We just thought that ya would wanna come and pay your last respects to the woman you loved.” She pointed towards the chair, “I brought one of Angel’s suits for you to wear. It might be a little bit too big for you, but I think it will fit well.

Josh laid his head against the bed and heaved an anguished sigh.

Woman I loved. Fuck, that was the understatement of the goddamn year. He thought silently to himself as he looked at her incredulously.

He did not just love Amanda. He worshipped her. She was everything beautiful and good in his world. She was the only person in this godforsaken place that he had.

Jack was standing there with his hands shoved deep into his pockets. His head was bowed and he was staring intently down at his feet. He chose to remain silent, refusing to say a word. He was not really good when it came to things such as this. Besides, what could he say? When someone lost a person whom they loved dearly, there was really nothing anyone could do or say to ease their suffering.

Seeing Josh in such a state shocked him. Hell, all the events that had transpired over the last five days were an eye-opening experience for him. His heart went out to Josh, it really truly did. Sure, he has never had to endure such a tragic loss and he hopes to God he never has to. He had almost experienced what it felt like to lose someone whom he truly loved. He wishes that he never has to go through that pain ever again.

When he had thought he lost Hannah, it was the most horrible pain he had felt in his whole entire life. Everything in him felt deadened and benumbed to the core. He felt so cold and empty inside, like there was nothing left within him. It was as if her passing had taken everything good and beautiful he had. She is the sun to his moon. He knows that without her light, he will become submersed within the darkness he has been running from all of his life. Only this time he will be far too weak to fight it, finally overcoming him. He will be powerless, leaving him no other choice but to surrender.

So, yeah, he may not exactly understand what Josh is going through, but he has a pretty good idea.

After the scare of almost losing Hannah, he had vowed to himself that never again was he going to resort to his old ways. He was going to stop using, once and for all. So far, he had stayed good on his promise. He had gone five days without one single hit. That was considered an amazing feat, for the last four months he had not let a day go by without using. Of course, he was going through withdrawal symptoms and the craving was almost unbearable at times, but he would deal with it. He had to. He has endured far worse. Surely he can handle a little hunger pangs. Some people would say you cannot just quit heroin on your own cold turkey, that the chances of it being successful are slim to none. But he had to disagree with them. Maybe the reason why no one has ever achieved success was because they did not want it. They did not have something worthwhile to live for. And you don't want anyone to see inside, perhaps you don't even want to take a look yourself. They haven't the courage to face themselves so they look for escape on one excitement after another.

That was the sole reason why he started to do drugs.

The sun goes up and then it comes down, but every time that happens… what do you get? You get a new day.

Second chances are rare, man. He ought to take better advantage of them.

It's the fear of what comes after the doing that makes the doing hard to do, but you can almost always live with the consequences

Life is full of horror; nobody escapes, nobody; save yourself. Whatever pulls on you, whatever needs from you, threatens you. Don't be afraid; people are so afraid; don't be afraid to live in the raw wind, naked, alone... Learn at least this: What you are capable of. Let nothing stand in your way.

Jack had to do this, not only for himself, but for Hannah as well. If he had learned anything from that experience, it was chances such as this do not come around very often, so you better take advantage of them while they last. If he wanted to have any semblance of a future with Hannah, which he did…very much. How the hell was he going to as a strung out heroin addict? If he continued down this long and treacherous path, he was not going to have any future whatsoever because he would be dead.

While he would still drink and smoke, he was not going to ever do that shit ever again, under any circumstances. He was finished with it all. He never wanted to see another rock of that stuff again.

It was as if he was given a whole new lease on life. He had almost let his hatred, self-loathing and introverted ways take away the best thing that has ever happened to him. He would be damned if he let that happen again.

Everybody hurts… everybody it's the human condition!

Love humiliates you. Hatred cradles you.

Don't attach yourself to anyone who shows you the least bit of attention because you're lonely. Loneliness is the human condition. No one is ever going to fill that space. The best you can do is know yourself... know what you want.

Do you know what mental toughness is? Well, mental toughness is the ability to accept the fact that you're human and that you're going to make mistakes - lots of 'em - all your life. And some of them are gonna hurt people that you love very badly. But you have the guts to accept the fact that you’re not perfect. And you don't let your mistakes crush you and keep you from doing the very best that you can.

It was not he whom saved Hannah that night. It was she whom had saved him.

Josh shook his head adamantly, “No, I’m not going…”

Hannah sighed, “But Josh-”

“I said NO. Now get the hell outta here.”

Hannah was shocked by the look in his eyes. There were wildly ferocious and intense, almost like a caged animal’s.

She averted her attention toward Jack. He was still standing at the opening of the doorway, with his arms crossed over his chest. He kept his gaze straightforward. He was staring at Josh with this unreadable look in his eyes that was difficult for her to discerned or percept. She wished for the life of her she could understand what was running through his head.

Did she really want to know?

As if sensing her staring at him, he slowly turned his head and met her gaze. She smiled softly at him, which he readily returned. He has been so wonderful to her these last few days. He has not left her side, not once. He even cancelled every gig he had for the rest of the week. Even though the band completely understood his reasons in doing so, she still felt very guilty that he was doing all this for her. It was as if he had put his entire life on hold to cater to her. While, she was very grateful for all that he has been doing for her, she just does not feel comfortable accepting so much from him when she has nothing to offer in return. He is doing far too much than he has to. For the last five days, he has been so clingy. Where ever she goes, he is there. Hell, she would not be surprised if he followed her into the bathroom! It is as if he needs to assure himself that she is there and is not going to leave him. It is almost as if he is closely guarding her in a way. She hates to sound so needy and selfish, but she kind of likes it. It makes her feel safe, loved and…appreciated.

For so many years, she has had do everything for herself. It felt good to finally have someone there to actually help her for a change. Her fiercely independent nature made her feel so worthless and weak. She did not like feeling so vulnerable and opened. Surprisingly, whenever she was within Jack’s presence, she felt none of those things.

Regardless of that fact, she did not feel right taking advantage of his kindness and love he had for her. She needed to make him see that she would be okay without him around her twenty four seven. She was not some little girl that needed to be saved. She had always said he put her on a pedastal. He was blinded to her faults, every single one of them. She had to make him see the truth. She could not live this lie any longer.

We the jury have reached an unanimous verdict your honor. This girl’s heart is deficient. She loves, but her love means absolutely nothing.

Josh sighed deeply, “Didn’t any of ya hear what I said? I said I don’t wanna go, now get the hell outta here…NOW!”

Evelyn sighed and nodded her head, “All right…okay…we’ll go.” She leaned down and kissed Josh lightly upon his forehead, whispering in his ear, “I’ll pray for you, sweetheart.”

She laid a card upon the table with the information of where the funeral service was being held in case he changed his mind and decided to come. For some strange and unknown reason, she had a feeling that he would.

Josh tightly closed his eyes and let out a shaky sigh. He felt the onslaught of tears threatening to spill from his eyes once again. He hoped they would get the hell out of his room quickly so that he may shed them in peace.

Evelyn took Hannah’s hand and whispered, “Come, dear.”

Hannah nodded her head sadly and followed Evelyn out the door. She took her hand out of Evelyn’s and slipped it into Jack’s, entwining their fingers together. She was far too exhausted, physically and emotionally. She needed for him to be strong, for the both of them. She just could not do it any longer. It was way too hard to be so strong all of the time. She closed her eyes briefly and sighed deeply. She averted her attention toward Jack and found him intently staring at her with a thoughtful look upon his face.

Jack squeezed her hand briefly as if to silently tell her that he was here for her.

Hannah nodded her head and smiled through her tears.

As they were making their way out the door, she turned her head and looked upon Josh, wishing that he too would find the same strength and love she had found within Jack.

An odd thing happens when we die, our senses vanish. Taste, touch, smell and sound become a distant memory, but our sight? Ah, our sight expands and we can suddenly see the world we left behind so clearly. Of course most of what's visible to the dead could also be seen by the living, if they would only take the time to look.

GO ONTO NEXT PART

CHAPTER 41 CONT...

Sat, 10 Mar 2007 07:21:20 GMT

When they left, Josh laid in the bed in an almost catatonic state for an unknown amount of time. Time never ceased to matter anymore. It held no meaning. He cursed it as being nothing more than a benediction. He saw time much as an inmate would look at a lifelong prison sentence. He saw it as something he had to endure without Amanda.

All that kept running through his mind was what Evelyn had said to him. Amanda would very much appreciate him paying his last respects to her. She deserved nothing less considering all that she had done for him. She changed him in the most monumental ways…for the better. She had saved him in all the ways a person can be saved and for that he will always be eternally grateful. What kind of man would he be if he did not do this? What would she think of him at this moment?

He smiled through his tears and shook his head amusedly. He could almost seeing her standing there, hands on hips, saying to him in that sassy tone of hers to get up off his ass and pull himself together.

Josh had to stop this running and hiding from the truth, but it was just so difficult for him to accept the fact that she was gone. He could not fathom that he would never see her face again. For two years they were inseparable. You would never see one without the other. Now, that was all you would see. Him…alone.

Alone…why does it always seem to come down to that?

Tragedies happen. What are you gonna do, give up? Quit? No. He realized now that when your heart breaks, you got to fight like hell to make sure you’re still alive. Because you are. And that pain you feel? That's life. The confusion and fear? That's there to remind you, that somewhere out there is something better, and that something is worth fighting for.

Amanda would never forgive him if she knew what he was doing to himself. She would want him to continue with his life. To honor and cherish her legacy. He had to live life to the fullest…for the both of them.

Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us in the ass. And when the dam bursts, all you can do is swim. The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon. We can only lie to ourselves for so long. We are tired, we are scared, denying it doesn't change the truth. Sooner or later we have to put aside our denial and face the world. Head on, guns blazing. De Nile. It's not just a river in Egypt, it's a freaking' ocean. So how do you keep from drowning in it?

Emotions are messy. Tuck them neatly away and shove them deep down inside the crevices of your soul, safely hidden with all the other things you are too afraid to admit.
People sometimes say that life is like a battlefield for your heart. Every single person on this Earth has been at war with their heart at least once in their life. Anyone who says differently is a liar. We had to learn through experience that the wounds will heal, in due time. Cut, suture, and close, sometimes you’re faced with a wound that won’t heal. A wound that rips your soul wide open, leaving you bare and vulnerable to the world. But if love sucks so much, why are we so obsessed with having it? That is a very easy question to answer.

It is because we as humans are a glutton for punishment. It is as simple as that.

He sat up in the bed and smiled genuinely for the first time in five days. He knew what he had to do.

Josh leaned over is bed and picked up the card that he had seen Evelyn put on the table.
He read aloud to himself the words that were written on the card, “Downtown St Aloysius Church 1234 Washington Blvd, Detroit, Michigan “

He slowly climbed out of the bed and walked over to bathroom to get himself cleaned up. Josh turned the cold water on the faucet and braced his hands against the sink, impatiently waiting until it became brisk. He bowed his head, his eyes watching the flowing water in idle fascination. He stared intently down into the sink as the tears began rapidly flowing down his cheeks and dripped down into the sink, coalescing with the water.

He took a few deep breaths and slowly and reluctantly lifted up his head to look into the mirror. His eyes widened and he let out an audible gasp of shock. He did not recognize this man before him. His face was completely covered in a beard, his hair was dirty, mussed up and disarrayed. It was the perfect example of bedhead hair. He had a considerably large gash upon his left brow, which was sutured up with butterfly stitches and there was also a harsh looking bruise upon his right cheek. His entire cheekbone was swollen and was completely black and blue. It was the most ugliest bruise he had ever had. That was an amazing feat considering all the fist fights he had been involved in over the years.

Josh could also see scratches up and downs his arms and purple and yellowish bruises all over his chest, which he had no recollection of receiving.

In fact, he seemed to recall absolutely nothing of the crash. All he remembers is another car hitting his head on. There is nothing else he can recall. It is perpetual darkness. The next thing he remembers is waking up from a coma in the hospital.

He had to wonder if it was true what all those psychiatrists and psychologists have been incessantly preaching to him over the last few days. Maybe he does have post-traumatic amnesia, cause he sure as hell does not remember one damn thing about that night. Not even the events before it. He recalled beseeching of one of the doctor’s of where he was coming from that night. When the doctor had told him he was coming from Jack’s gig at the club, for the life of him, he could not remember. Not even one small miniscule detail. It was as if that night did not even exist. It was completely eradicated from his memory and nothing could bring those memories back.

No matter how hard he tried.

It was as if his mind did not want to remember. It was in just as much denial as his heart was. Maybe even more so. Shit, maybe it was a good thing he did not remember. It was just one less thing that he did not have to worry about haunting him for eternity.

The wounds that he had sustained from the crash were nothing more than external injuries and would undoubtedly heal in time, but the wounds he had upon his heart and soul may never heal.

One of the doctor’s in the hospital was gracious enough to give Josh a ride to the church.

As he stood in front of the sprawling massive buidling, he let out a shaky sigh, wondering if this was such a good idea or not. He did not know if he could go through with this.

He shook his head in admonishment, silently berating himself for thinking such emasculating thoughts. He would do this. He had to. There was no other choice. He loved Amanda with every fiber of his being. He had to be strong for her. He had to not only prove to her, but also to himself that he was everything she said he was. He could not let her down. He had to live up to the undying faith she had within him.

Josh took a deep breath and slowly walked up the gravel-stoned steps of the church. When he reached the very top, he braced his hands against the door and rested his forehead against the cool wood. He took a few deep breaths in order to calm his frayed nerves. His hands were violently shaking and perspiration beads were forming upon his forehead, which was slick with sweat. He ran shaky hands through his hair, swiping his long hair back away from his face.

He was procrastinating. He was trying to delay the inevitable.

What the hell am I waiting for? He aksed himself.

Taking one last deep breath, he pushed opened both of the Church doors.

The funeral service must have all ready be in session, because the patrons attending the service were intently focused upon the Priest whom was standing at the podium preaching his sermon.

Josh crossed his arms over his chest and chuckled softly to himself, shaking his head in amusement. For if he did not laugh, he would have most surely fell upon his knees and broke down in gut wrenching sobs.

Its like a feedback loop. You're somewhere quiet. There's people. Its a solemn occasion - say, a wedding. No - it's a minutes silence for someone who's died. The minute is ticking away... tick tock tick tock... and suddenly this thought pops into your head - The worst thing you can do in a minute silence is laugh. And you almost do, as an automatic reaction. But then, you think how awful it would have been if you HAD laughed, and you almost laugh again, only its a bigger laugh. But, then you think how funny it would have been if you'd laughed that bigger laugh, but this time the laugh is an enormous laugh. Let this one out and you get whiplash! So you're standing there, in this quiet room, shoulders going like you're drilling the road, and what do you think of the situation? Dear Christ! You think its funny!

The Church was full of grandeur and beauty that rivaled both the Sistine and Saint-Sulpice Chapels.

Its wide arches and domed ceiling gave the Church a feeling of expansion and openness. The windows were massive towering almost from the floor to the ceiling. The bright morning sun shone effervescently through the windows casting the room within a prism of colors.

Fresco paintings depicting the Last Days of Christ along with angels and other biblical visions columned the walls scaling all the way up to the ceiling. The Sanctuary was adorned with oblong marbled tables with white silk sheets splayed upon them embroidered with the church’s seal. There were fresh bouquets of flowers situated at the feet of the tall statues of the Virgin Mary and St. Jude. The Altarpiece was magnificent with flowers strewn above it along with other religious emblems.

In front of the Alter laid Amanda’s mahogany casket, which was strewn with red, pink and yellow roses…her favorite flower. There were also two large clear crystal vases filled with wildflowers and daffodils placed upon both ends of her casket as well. There were also two pale pink roses tacked onto the ends of every pew .

From his view of espy, he could also see two large pictures of her displayed upon both sides of her casket as some sort of remembrance and tribute in her honor.

Josh bowed his head and heaved an anguished sigh.

This had to be the most surreal moment of his life. It pained him to look at her closed casket, knowing the only person whom he had ever loved was lying lifeless and still inside.

At the center of it all stood the tall and intimidating figure of the Lord Jesus Christ. A harsh reminder of what God had suffered and endured to save us all from eternal damnation.

He averted his attention down into the marble basin filled with Holy Water.

Josh looked at the basin wearily and bowed his head, sighing deeply. He could not and would not perform this sanctimonious ritual. He just did not feel comfortable in doing so. It would be as if he were contradicting every belief and conviction he ever held dear to his heart. He would be nothing more than a walking contradiction.

He mustered up all of the courage he could at this moment and slowly walked down the aisle to the front of the Church.

Hannah was seated in the pew with Evelyn, Jack and Lynn when she saw him.

Her eyes widened and she gasped aloud in shock. Jack looked at Hannah perplexingly and squeezed her hand. He whispered softly to her, “What’s the matter?”

Hannah pointed with her head and said, “Look who’s here…”

Jack followed her gaze and his eyes widened when he saw Josh walking down the aisle to the front of the church, “How did he get here?”

Hannah shrugged, “I have no idea…”

Hannah and Jack both averted their attention back to Josh, intently studying his every move.

It looked as if this dismal and dreary funeral service was going to become very interesting in a matter of seconds.

Josh kept his eyes straightforward as he made his way up towards the front of the Church. He could not bear to look at anyone for sheer fear of what he would see in their eyes. He could feel their intense and steely stares penetrating and piercing into his skin making him feel as if ice water were coursing through his veins, fleshing out Goosebumps upon his skin. His hands were quivering so badly, he had to shove them deeply into his pockets to inconspicuously hide them from everyone’s view.

When he finally reached the front of the Altar the pictures of Amanda came fully into focus. A small smile formed upon his face and he felt the lachrymose of tears form within his eyes as he looked upon them.

One of the pictures was just a closeup of her unbelievably gorgeous face. He vividly recalled the day the picture was taken for he was there . It was taken no more than three months ago when He, Amanda, Josh and Hannah had went to the park. They were all lounging on the grass, just chilling and talking when Hannah quickly snapped her picture. He will never forget how amazingly beautiful she looked that day. Hell, she was beautiful everyday to him. But that day, there just seemed to something magical and enticing about her. The way the sun shone brilliantly on her face, illuminating her striking features. She truly had a way about her which was so captivating and enthralling. It was such an amazing picture that Hannah had taken. Then again, Amanda had qualities that could make any photo picture perfect.

Her head was tilted to the side and she was smiling beamingly into the camera. That was one of the things he loved the most about her. Her smile could light up a room. When she smiled at you, it made you really feel as if you were truly someone special to receive such a genuine smile. No matter how bad of a mood he may have been in at that time, all she had to do was smile at him and all those dismal feelings would completely dissipate as if they were never even there to begin with.

How the hell was he going to cope without that smile?

Josh turned his attention towards the other one, it was a picture of her when she was just a little girl, no more than seven years of age, maybe a little younger. It appeared to be a school photo for the background was a cheesy marine blue and she was posed with her hands folded upon her lap. Her hair was in two pig tails, which were in sausage curls and she was wearing this god awful courdoruy dress with a pale pink turtle neck. She was smiling widely into the camera with her adorable little dimples. Even then she was awe consuming. Just looking at her, you could see that she would grow up to be such a gorgeous girl.

Amanda will always be a beautiful girl, that will never change.

His knees get weak, his voice escapes him and he’s left here standing before her wondering why it had to be her. He is imagining what they would be doing if she weren't set before him…ever so pale…ever so different.. ever so cold. Maybe they'd be watching a movie or maybe they'd be out to dinner. Maybe they would just be holding hands walking down the street, but they aren't. He is here standing before her with his weak knees, wondering when he is going to be able to hold her hand again.

The Priest abruptly halted his sermon as he stared perplexingly at the young man standing before the casket.

His eyes widened in alarm when he noticed the young man walking up the steps, heading toward the podium.

As Josh stood behind the podium, he looked out at all of the people. The entire church was jam packed with over one hundred people. It was a true testament to how much she was loved.

He shook his head disdainfully.

They did not love her. Expect for her family and Hannah. No one else in this room gave a good goddamn about her. For if they did, where the hell where they when she was alive? Why all of the sudden now that she is dead did they want act as if they cared?

Josh used to think that if none of your family or friends knew you were dead, it was like not really being dead. People can invent the best and the worst for you.

That's the funny thing about memories. We are only what we remember of ourselves.

He braced his hands against the podium and bowed his head, taking a few deep steadying breaths. He slowly lifted his head and stared out onto the crowd of patrons sitting in the pews. He made sure to make eye contact with each and every one of them. He snorted aloud in disgust when he saw his brother seated in the far back of the pew with his partner sitting next to him. His brother was looking at him with a quizzical look on his face. Josh sent a steely gaze his way and quickly averted his head to the other direction. He would be damned if he let his bastard good for nothing brother get the best of him, especially not right now.

Josh sighed deeply and spoke into the microphone, “I’m come here today not to cause any trouble.” He kept his gaze intently focused on her family, “I apologize if my presence causes you to feel uncomfortable. I know that you feel as if I was never really good enough for your daughter, but I want to let ya know…in front of everyone here, in this church as God as my witness. I truly loved your daughter with every fiber of my being.”

Amanda’s father wrapped his arm tightly around her mother’s shoulder as she bowed her head and began sobbing. Her father had tears running down his face as well. Her grandmother and younger brother were damn near inconsolable.

The father curtly nodded his head at Josh and smiled through his tears, silently urging for him to continue.

Josh breathed a sigh of relief and smiled through his own tears. Finally, he had received that validation from her parents he had yearned and craved for so many years.

It was just a shame it took a tragedy such as this for it to happen. He wished that Amanda could have seen it, but in a way, he knew she did. She was most likely staring down upon him right now with that same beaming smile on her face.

He began again by saying, “I was always a very shy person. I basically just kept to myself. She was…wild, free spirited and carefree. Nothing seemed to bother her. She just truly loved life. She made me want to be more than what I was. She made me dared to make everything I wanted to come true. I’ve never met anyone like her before and probably never will again. She used to sing to me a lot. Mostly all the songs she sang were these Latin songs.”

He shook his head bemusedly and chuckled softly as he continued ,” Hell, I never knew what she was singing about. To this day, I don’t. The truth is, I don’t want to know. The way I see it is that some things are best left unsaid. I’d like to think that she was singing about something so beautiful that it can’t be expressed in words and it makes your heart ache because of it. That was how I felt about her. Still feel about her. Every time I close my eyes, that voice haunts me. When I’m all alone laying awake at night in my bed while everyone else is asleep. I hear it. It gets louder and louder every time. See things like that will make that gray place you’re in even darker. It will drive you mad. But I also tell you something else. It comforts me as well. Because no matter what they try to do and try to take away from me. No one can take what we had away. No one.”

He gripped the podium tightly and bowed his head, taking a few deep breaths. He slowly lifted his head and continued once again “That’s the only thing that makes sense to me. It’s something inside that’s mine. That they can’t touch. My whole life thrown away in a blink of an eye. I have all the time left in the world to think about everything I wanted to do, but was never given the chance. Now here I am. I’ve given up hoping. I’m going to die here and there’s no getting around it. Nothing can save me. Hope is a dangerous thing. It can drive a man insane. Just like love. People can say what they want about me. And I stand here looking out all these people, her so-called friends…The people who turned their backs on her in life, now all of the sudden want to pretend as if they’re her friends in her death. I was the one whom was there, where were all of you? I know the truth, cause I lived it. And I will continue to protect that truth as long as am I breathing. ” He looked longingly over at her casket and whispered, “I will come home to you again. I think about how much I miss her and start to feel sorry for myself, but then I think about everyone who didn't know her, and I start to feel sorry for them. I pity all of ya cause ya never took the chance to get to know such a wonderful person.“

Josh stepped away from the podium and walked down the steps. He stopped in front of Amanda’s casket and touched it softly. He leaned down and whispered, “Don’t worry, baby girl. I understand.”

He smiled sadly and turned on his heel. He walked down the aisle, looking straightforward, refusing to look in anyone’s direction.

Hannah watched Josh walk out of the church in wide-eyed shock. His eulogy was the most heartbreakingly beautiful thing she has ever heard in her life.

She could not sit here and watch him just walk away like that, she had to do something.

Without giving it another thought, she sprung up from her seat and ran down the aisle after him.

Jack’s eyes widened as he watched Hannah running out of the church.

He shook his head in bafflement, asking himself, Where does she think she’s going?

Evelyn gently touched Jack’s hand, whispering to him, “Where did Hannah go?”

Jack shrugged, “Good question.”

“Well, aren’t ya gonna run after her?” Lynn asked, sitting beside him.

He nodded his head and got up from his seat.

Jack heaved a laborious sigh and looked up at the ceiling as he walked down the aisle thinking to himself, Does it ever end? I definitely need a vacation from all of this.

Shit, he needed a vacation from life…period.

When Hannah ran out of the church, she immediately found Josh walking down the street.

She ran down the steps, calling out his name, but he did not make any attempts to look back at her.

Thankfully, Josh was walking slow enough to where she could easily catch up with him.

She grabbed the sleeve of his shirt and said, “Hey, where the hell do ya think you’re going?”

Josh’s shoulders slumped and he sighed deeply. His back was to her when he shrugged, saying, “I don’t know…anywhere I feel like it, I guess.” He whipped around to face her, meeting her gaze directly, “What’s it your business anyway? Mandy’s dead. You don’t have to pretend to like me anymore.”

Hannah crossed her arms over her chest and shook her head, “What is with these damn guys being so fucking insecure?” She sighed and rolled her eyes, “They’re worse then girls, I tell ya.”

He scoffed, “Yeah…well. Some of us got reasons to be.”

She grasped his shoulders and smiled softly, “I never once pretended to like ya, Josh. I always have and will always care for you deeply as a friend. You and Mandy were the first people to ever reach out to me. Ya made me feel like I belonged, like I was accepted and wanted. I never had that before. You are one of the best friends I’ve ever had. I love ya, Josh. I truly do.”

Josh bowed his head and shook it in disbelief. He smiled through his tears. He would never admit it aloud, but hearing her saying those words to him made his entire chest fill with warmth. He could tell just by looking into her eyes that she was nothing but sincere and genuine. For a guy that has grown up without love, it was really hard for him to accept whenever it was given to him. Even with Amanda he had always felt himself holding back.

That will be one of the many things he will deeply regret for the rest of his life.

Hannah placed her finger under his chin and gently lifted it to meet his gaze directly, “Actually, it is my business, *our* business. We’re friends and what affects you affects me, and - anyway, I don't like to see you suffer more than you have to. I don't think you should blame yourself, or feel guilty for her death. Amanda wouldn’t want ya to spend ya life feeling miserable. She would want ya to live to the fullest. You should honor her memory by doing just that. She loved you so much, Josh. The only thing she ever wanted for you was to be happy.”

“How can I do that without her? She was the only happiness I’ve ever known.” He whispered to her, his voice raw with anguished pain.

She shook her head and shrugged, “I wish I could tell ya that it’s gonna get easier, but I don’t wanna lie to ya. But I can promise ya that it does get better. Ya might not think so, but it will over time. Mark my words.” She smiled, “And when ya least expect it, something so good will happen to ya that would make all the bad stuff that happened in your life seem like nothing but a thing of the past. Don’t ever, under any circumstances dwell in the past or you’re doomed to repeat your mistakes. Do ya understand me?”

Josh nodded his head.

“Where are ya going?” Hannah beseeched of him.

He shrugged and sighed, “I don’t know. I have some money saved in the bank. I was thinking of just taking a Greyhound outta here. “

She nodded her head, “Have any place particular in mind?”

Josh nodded, “Yeah, New York City.” He smiled, “Mandy always wanted to go there.”

“What about school?” She asked him concernedly

He shrugged, “There’ll always be time for me to go back. I just can’t stay here, Hannah. I just can’t. It’s too painful. I just need to get a way for a while. Clear my head and start fresh, ya know?”

Hannah nodded her head. She completely understood where he was coming from for she was in the same predicament herself not so long ago.

She smiled through her tears and wrapped her arms around him, “I’m gonna miss ya. What the hell am I gonna do without one of my best friend’s?”

He slowly wrapped his arms around her and patted her back, “Eh, don’t worry bout me. Besides, ya got Jackie. He’ll keep ya occupied.”

Hannah chuckled softly, “Yeah, but he’s not as funny as ya are. I mean, as much as I love the boy. He has no sense of humor whatsoever.”

Josh nodded and chuckled softly, “But he loves ya though, that’s all that matters. Never take that for granted, Hannah…ever. Never take one another for granted. Cause ya never know what might happen. And no matter what, always tell him ya love him, cause it might be the last time ya ever get to say it. Love means never having to say you’re sorry. Ya got that?”

She nodded her head and smiled through her tears.

He whispered in her ear, “She loved ya…a lot. Ya were the best friend she always wanted. Ya finally filled that void in her life that was missing all of those years. She thought of ya like a sister.” He sighed, “So do I, Hannah. So do I.”

Hannah closed her eyes tightly as the tears came rapidly flowing down her cheeks, “I love ya, Josh. I really do. I’m gonna miss ya so much.”

Josh smiled, “Me too…” He eased out of her embrace and sighed deeply, “Well, this is it. Ya tell Jackie bye for me, huh?”

She nodded her head, “He’s gonna be sad to see ya go. You and him were getting along so well.”

He sighed, “Yeah, I know. Jack’s a real good guy. He’s really good for you, Hannah. He loves ya…very much. I can see it. Just make sure that ya take good care of him. Cause he really needs to be taken care of.”

“Oh, I will.” Hannah said without any hint of reluctance.

Josh leaned over and kissed her cheek and whispered in her ear, “I’ll keep in touch, okay?”

She nodded, “I was gonna say goodbye, but I’m not gonna cause this isn’t goodbye.”

He smiled and shook his head, “No…it’s not. Take care of yourselves and each other.”

Hannah smiled and nodded her head, “I will.”

Josh smiled sadly and continued walking down the street. Hannah never took her eyes away from him until he turned the corner disappearing from her view.

She heaved an anguished sigh and furiously wiped the tears away from her eyes. It was such a bittersweet moment for her. While she was happy that Josh was not going to give up, she was still overcome with the unbearable sadness of not losing one, but two best friends.

Hannah felt someone resting their hands upon her shoulders and whispering in her ear, “Ya okay?”

She closed her eyes momentarily and smiled. She would recognize that voice anywhere. She turned around and smiled softly, “Yeah…now I am.”

Jack nodded, “I saw ya talking with Josh. I didn’t want to disturb ya private conversation.”

Hannah cupped his face in her hands and shook her head, “I love ya so much, do ya know that? “ She met his gaze directly, “And I always will.”

He cupped her cheek and smiled softly, swiping his thumb over her brow. He looked at her in a quizzical manner. He does not know what the hell had gotten into her, but he was not about to complain nor question it. She had told him she loved him and that was enough for him. It was all he needed to know. Sure, it may not have been a well kept secret, but it never ceased to amaze him whenever she said it. Every time he heard those words coming out of her mouth, it was like the first time, every time.

Jack leaned down and kissed her forehead, whispering, “I love ya too.”

Hannah smiled and sighed wistfully. She will never get tired of hearing those words coming out of his mouth. Maybe it was because she never thought she would ever hear those three words said to her ever again. To know that someone loves you just as much as you love them is the most enthralling and captivating feeling. It is something so awe consuming and powerful, it cannot be expressed in words. Words would not do the feeling justice. Only people whom have truly been in love can understand.

Love isn't something you take, it's something you gain.

Believe her that when you find love, you hold on to it and cherish it because there is nothing finer, and it may never come again.

It is times such as these which remind you of that fact.

“So, is Josh all right?” Jack asked her curiously.

Hannah nodded and smiled, “Not yet, but…he will be.”

Growing up is never easy. You hold on to things that were. You wonder what's to come. But as they both stood there, they knew it was time to let go of what had been and look ahead to what would be. Other days, now days, days to come. The thing is, they didn't have to hate each other for getting older. They just had to forgive themselves for growing up.

TBC…

So, Josh is gone…for the time being, that is.

In the next chapter:

Jack takes Hannah away on vacation to take her mind off things. What happens when they are both all alone without any interruptions? Will they finally get the courage to bring their relationship to the next level?

Lament-Chapter 40

Mon, 05 Mar 2007 05:13:51 GMT

Chapter 40: Open Your Eyes

“Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend…Somewhere along in the bitterness…And I would have stayed up with you all night…Had I known how to save a life…Let him know that you know best…Cause after all you do know best…Try to slip past his defense…Without granting innocence…Lay down a list of what is wrong…The things you've told him all along…And pray to God he hears you…And pray to God he hears you”
-The Fray (How To Save A Life)

Author Notes: A little forewarning. This ending of this chapter is VERY sad. I was crying the entire time I was writing it. So, if you are overly sensitive like me, proceed with caution.

“The Missing Frame” belongs to the AMAZING band AFI. The lyrics are written by Davey Havok. The song, “World’s Gonna End” belongs to Joshua Rifkin. I hold no infraction by using these songs.

Hannah, Josh and Amanda walked into Luna Night Club. They all looked at one another wearily. This did not seem like the sort of place where people such as themselves could feel welcome. This was the kind of place that drew patrons with a refreshingly confrontational style. Well, as confrontational as multipiercings and fright makeup could get these days.

At least the Luna Lounge had the essentials down. A massive dance floor with a stage conveniently set up in front of it. It was completely shrouded in darkness. The only source of light was the dark purplish strobes which were shining down upon it. The entire dance floor was covered in a thick mist which was undoubtedly caused by a smoke machine situated somewhere under the floor. The entire dance floor was jam packed with people dancing to the pulsating and throbbing beats being provided by the Deejay whom was spinning on the stage behind his set of turntables..

The gloomily hip décor looked like something out of Dracula’s mansion. All of the tables were black, as were the chairs. Even the lounge area was creepy. Right down to the black plush velvet sofas with the crimson burgundy throw pillows and the black and white candelabra situated in metallic silver gargoyles.

The bric-a-brac around the club was very occult like with European Monikers, half-crescent moons and stars.

All of the walls were laden with ornate guilt mirrors. Assorted booths and tables dot the area around the bar. The club was practically wall to wall with people and all of them were dressed in what appeared to be fetish and punk rock gear. While it is not too overbearing, you can get away from the bump-bump-bump by loafing in the lounge area on lovely couches.

A swell of pride filled Hannah’s chest and she smiled proudly to see how big of a turn out there was. She knew without any shadow of a doubt that they were here to see “The Spares.” She shook her head and smiled warmly when she noticed that some of them were even wearing shirts with their pictures upon them that Manny was distributing through their website. What made her even more happy was that the picture Manny used to have printed on the t-shirts was the one she snapped of the band.

She noticed that in the far back of the club, there was a large table set up with what appeared to be CDS, t-shirts and other Spares merchandise. All of that was most likely Manny’s doing. He was the sole proprietor of the band and also the brains. He was not only their manager, but their booking agent and distributor. Yes, you could call him somewhat of a renaissance man. No one could deny how business savvy he was. Hell, if it were not for him, The Spares would have probably still been playing those rundown bars. He was the one whom got their name put out there. They should be very thankful to have someone like that in their band. Well, at least that was the way some people saw it.

Hannah thought otherwise.

Hannah thought he was nothing more than a money hungry power mongrel. He did not care about his bandmates. The only thing he saw them as was his way of making him a rich man. That was all it comes down to. The all mighty dollar. It was his sole interest pertaining to the band. She had to wonder what makes them so different from what she used to do. Is it not the same thing in a sense? Are they not forsaking their integrity and pride just to make a dollar? It will only be a matter of time before they sacrifice their creativity as well. She was all ready seeing the fruitions of a disaster. Nothing good could come out of this.

She was not the only one whom thought this way either. She knew that Jack felt just the same as she, but as always, he remained silent, not saying a word. He was also so afraid to stand up for himself and speak his mind. That was one of the rare things she did not like about him. It was how frightened he was of every little thing.

Each of us is born with the potential for the unfolding of our true self. When you deviate from the truth, you are interfering with the intention of something greater then you are. Call it nature or a higher power, as a result, you develop discomfort in your body and physique therefore, anxiety symptoms may be regarded as meaningful communication from a powerful force within you that wants you to be yourself.

Hannah shook her head and sighed deeply. Shouldn’t she be looking into the mirror and saying this same shit to herself?

How can she expect him to totally trust her when she doesn't totally trust him? Sooner or later, she is gonna have to start to learn to trust sometime or another. Why doesn't she start now? He won't hurt her, she believes that, but because of everything that happened, she won't let herself believe it. And he needs to see that she believes in him and is willing to trust him before he can totally trust her. It's a confidence thing.

There comes a time in your life when you must decide between what you feel and what you know. You must choose between your heart and your mind, between love and the truth. Sometimes, the love you feel will hide the truth from your mind; but seldom from your soul. The bond between your heart and your mind is the strongest and one will try and overpower the other at all times. But neither one, alone, or together, can overpower your soul, for they do not possess the ability, nor the strength. Only your soul can guide you, and when the time does come for you to make a decision, you must be prepared for an inner conflict between your heart and you mind, so painful it can only be overcome by the strength your soul can provide. This is when you must force yourself to realize that your heart and your mind are the only links to your soul; they are controlled by your soul, and can act as one when you allow your soul to guide you.

Maybe there isn't any such thing as good friends or bad friends, maybe there are just friends. People who stand by you when you’re hurt and help you feel not so lonely. Maybe they’re always worth being scared for, and hoping for, and living for, maybe worth dying for too. If that's what has to be, no good friends, no bad friends, only people you want, need to be with you, people who build their houses in your heart.

That is what Josh, Amanda and most of all Jack are to her. Without them she does know what she would have done. She truly does not think she would have made it this far without them.

Hannah has to say she’s the luckiest person in the entire world. Why? Because she’s one of those lucky people who found a true friend like Jack. They might have met as strangers. Back then, the thought never entered her mind that he’d be the person she'd love and trust the most. But he showed her how valuable their friendship is by always lending her a shoulder to cry on and always finding the key to solve her problems.

Jack has never caused a single tear that rolled down her face, well not intentionally anyway. Instead, he was always there to wipe the ones others had triggered. He has battled her tough times with her, and he shielded her from everything that harmed her. She will always remember the tough times they went through, but what she will remember most are the times when they laughed so hard tears came rolling down their faces. When she is scared, he is scared, and when she is laughing, he is laughing with her. She remembers all those quiet walks they shared. Sometimes they have so much to say to one another, but sometimes they are short of words but even through the silence, she was having the best walk out of her life. Perhaps that's why their friendship is so strong and will never collapse. Trust, loyalty, love, honesty, fun, laughter, smiles, tears, hardships-they're all things she feels when she’s with him, and she’s never felt all those feelings with anyone else before in her entire life. He’s one in a million, and she will never forget him for as long as she lives.

No matter how far apart they may be in the unknown future, she knows that he’ll always be in her thoughts.

Hannah looked over at Josh and Amanda and smiled warmly.

What she learned from all of this is that real friends, the truest of friends, are really those who know all about her and like her anyway. They are the people who no matter how long it has been since she has talked to them or seen them, she can call them no matter the time of day, and just pick up where they left off. Like no time has ever passed since their last conversation. People like that are the ones that you feel comfortable with, otherwise you wouldn't be able to do it. They're the people who are really there, no matter what.

There are those times that are not funny in the 'haha' sense, but funny in the strange sense, and neither you nor your friend is ever able to figure out what happened or explain why. We are always relieved to have our friend there with us in those moments for many reasons, not the least of which is to assure us that we are not losing our mind, our friend experienced it too.

Everybody will be your friend when you're doing the right things. Your true best friend will stick with you and support you even when you're doing the wrong things.

A friend will be there when there are fun times, but a best friend will be sitting right along with you in that jail cell saying, “damn that was wicked.”

A true friend won't question your motives. They will hug you just because they can sense that you need it. They will never fall for your famous false smile that fools everyone else. They will let you listen to your favorite song over and over in the car even when they don't like the song and will tell you the truth even when you'd rather not hear it. They will never leave your side, in good times or in bad ones. Now don't try to tell her you think you find people that are that special to your life everyday.

It's the friend that stuck by you through everything that matters, the one that you have known your whole life, or just a year and yet you feel connected to them in a completely different way then anyone else around you. At most times, they feel like your family than your real one. They understand that the world can be a tough place, and they let you cry when bad things happen but they always manage to make you smile again. It's the friend that you call at five am because you fought with some stupid boy and she'll help you plot revenge against him even though she does not even know him. They give you that extra energy to smile because you know that there are right beside you whenever you need them.

A friend is one that knows who you are, understands where you have been, accepts what you have become, and still gently allows you to grow. Friends are like walls. Sometimes you lean on then, and sometimes its good just knowing they're there.

Over the course of the average lifetime you meet a lot of people. Some of them stick with you through thick and thin. Some weave their way through your life and disappear forever. But once in a while someone comes along who earns a permanent place in your heart.

Josh looked around the room wearily and sighed. He crossed his arms over his chest and shook his head, “Damn, I knew I should’ve worn my dog-collar and spandex.”

Hannah and Amanda both looked at one another, rolled their eyes and laughed aloud.

“Are ya sure this is the right place?” Amanda beseeched of her.

Hannah nodded her head, “Yeah, this is where he said their gig was.”

Josh chuckled softly and looked out into the crowd incredulously, “It’s hard to believe that this place is an underage club.”

Amanda nodded her head in agreement. She averted her attention towards Hannah and asked her, “Do ya think that all these people are here to see the band?”

Hannah smiled proudly and nodded her head. She said matter-of-factly, “Yeah.”

“Ya taking pictures for this show?” Josh asked Hannah.

“Yeah, of course.” Hannah hooked both of her arms under both of theirs and said, “Come on, lets go and wish the band good luck for tonight.”

As always, it was like getting through Fort Knox just to see the band. Surprisingly, security was pretty tight in the backstage vicinity of the club. It most likely had to do with high escalation of all the shootings, stampedes and riots that have been happening nowadays in clubs such as this. Everyday, you hear stories on the news about people getting killed, hospitalized who maimed because of a foolish and senseless act of one or a few careless individuals. It was really not safe to go anywhere in the world. Innocent people are just walking out of their doors and are being shot, stabbed, robbed or vanish off the face of the Earth. Never to be see or heard from again. Hell, people were even being harmed in the privacy of their own homes. Safety was a foreign concept. It was a harsh but true fact.

Men have always fought each other, always creating chaos. That's familiar and safe. They know where they are in those circumstances, but to hazard a step into the unknown and actually love one another is far too risky for them. So if the demons do invade the world, bringing terror and misery with them, don't you think that men might welcome them as bearers of what they desire?

They have no purpose that unites them so they drift around, blundering through life until they die. Which they know is coming and yet every single one of them is surprised when it happens to them. They're incapable of thinking beyond what they want at that moment. They kill each other, which is clearly insane, but here's the thing. When it's something real, they fight. In Hannah’s opinion, they're lame morons to keep fighting. But they do. They... never quit. And so she guesses she'll fight too. It is the only way she knows how to survive living in this world. You got be a fighter or else you will inevitably go down with the rest of the weak and scared yellow bellies of society, which she refuses to be ever again.

They were having such a difficult time of getting back stage that Manny had to come out and tell the security guards that they were friends of the band and were welcome.

As they were walking down the long and perilous hallway leading up to the dressing room, Manny patted Hannah on the back, saying in an apologetic tone, “Sorry bout that, I guess I forgot to tell them ya were coming.”

Hannah shook her head and smiled, “That’s all right. How’s everything going with you?”

He shrugged and smiled, “Eh, can’t complain. Business is doing good, real good.”

She nodded her head, “I see that. There’s a really big crowd out there.”

Manny heaved a laborious sigh and nodded, “I know, what’s really crazy is that the crowds’ keep getting bigger and bigger at each gig. It’s so surreal that our band is reaching such proportions.” He shook his head and let out an incredulous laugh, “It boggles the mind.”

She smiled and nodded her head. It amused her that Manny was saying these things because Jack just got done saying the same exact things to her as they were lying in bed this morning.

Hannah chuckled and shook her head, “Not really. Ya guys fuckin rock.”

Manny chuckled softly, “Yeah, thank ya boy for that. If it wasn’t for him, we probably wouldn’t have half the fans we do now.”

Hannah just smiled and did not say a word. For what could she say as this moment? Everything that Manny said was of truth. If it were not for Jack, they would have not received half the attention they have gotten over the past ten months. He was everything that encompassed what everyone perceived a rockstar to be. He was not only gorgeous, incredibly fit, but he also had the musical ability as well. He exuded confidence, charisma and raw sexuality. He was the total package.

All your life you are told the things you cannot do. All your life they will say you're not good enough or strong enough or talented enough; they will say you're the wrong height or the wrong weight or the wrong type to play this or be this or achieve this. THEY WILL TELL YOU NO, a thousand times no, until all the no's become meaningless. All your life they will tell you no, quite firmly and very quickly.

AND YOU WILL TELL THEM YES…

She believes life is constantly testing us for our level of commitment, and life's greatest rewards are reserved for those who demonstrate a never-ending commitment to act until they achieve. This level of resolve can move mountains, but it must be constant and consistent. As simplistic as this may sound, it is still the common denominator separating those who live their dreams from those who live in regret.

It's not whether you get knocked down. It's whether or not you get back up again

It was only a matter of time before the record labels started beckoning them. If they were not all ready. But if they were, Jack has not said anything to her.

He would tell her something as monumental as that, wouldn’t he?

Hannah, Josh and Amanda followed Manny into the dressing room.

Manny shouted aloud to everyone in the room, “Look at what I found.”

Spunk, Will and Beth all walked over to them and greeted them .

Josh and Amanda have become somewhat good friends with the band considering that they have accompanied Hannah to almost of their in town shows with her. It was not as if she made them come, they really wanted to. They genuinely seemed to like the band’s music. And it was not because of Hannah’s benefit either. She wholeheartedly believed that. She knew it just by looking into their eyes that they were being nothing but sincere. She really liked having them come with her. It gave her people to hang out with. She would not have to experience the horror and humiliation of standing in a crowd all by herself. Sure, she may have had Jack there with her, but obviously he was busy rocking out the crowd.

The band seemed to really get along with Josh and Amanda. They warmed up to Josh at first meeting. He just had that kind of personality. He was the funniest person she has ever had the privilege of meeting. He would always have them laughing, easing their worries and tensions about performing. He could talk to anyone, no matter whom they were. Race, color or creed, it did not matter. He was just that kind of person. Amanda was really lucky to have a guy like that in her life.

Speaking of guys, where’s mine? Hannah curiously thought to herself.

As if reading her mind, Spunk explained to her, “Jackie’s in the bathroom. He’ll be back in a few.”

Hannah smiled gratefully and nodded her head. She walked over to the dingy run down couch and cautiously sat down, impatiently awaiting his arrival.

She silently debated if she should go and seek him out, but she digressed. The last thing she wanted was a repeat of what happened last time she met up with him in a bathroom.

No, she had learned that lesson the hard way.

Hannah was positively certain she knew what he was doing in that bathroom. How many times has she heard that excuse? How many times has he disappeared on her, only to say he was in the bathroom? It happened far too many times, she had lost count.

She shook her head, silently berating herself. She should be ashamed for thinking such thoughts. She should have faith in him and trust him. Is that not what love is all about? But she spent so many years of her life with people lying to her, that she just sort of expects it. Regardless of the circumstances.

It's a basic truth of the human condition that everybody lies. The only variable is about what. The weird thing about almost dying is it tends to focus a person’s priorities. You find out what matters . What you're willing to die for. What you're willing to lie for.

The wonderful thing about falling in love is that you learn everything about that person -- and so quickly. And if it's true love, then you start to see yourself through their eyes, and it brings out the best in you. And it's almost as if you are falling in love with yourself.

Love comes to those who still hope although they've been disappointed, to those who still believe although they've been betrayed, and to those who need love because they've been hurt before.

Hannah looked down at the table before her and sighed. It was laden with empty beer bottles, drug paraphernalia, marijuana tokes resting in the ashtray and cocaine residue. How can she blame him for doing these things? It is all he knows. He is surrounded by it, day after day. He is a mere victim of his own circumstances. She cannot expect the people around him to be a positive influence. They facilitate, enabled and nurture his habit.

Maybe it is not he she should be worried about, but the people around him.

Hannah’s head sprung up when she heard the door being creaked opened and slammed shut. She smiled brightly when she saw whom it was.

Speak of the devil. She thought to herself.

She roved her eyes up and down his form appreciatively, liking what she was seeing…very much so. His hair was styled differently than she is used to seeing it. He had it brushed down straight, with it parted to the side with most of it curtaining his eye. It was a unique, but very punk retro hairstyle that no doubt Beth must have did for him. She really liked it. It made him look really sexy and gave him a more youthful look.

He was wearing baggy leather pants with the ends of them messily tucked into his unlaced combat boots. Silver chains were hanging off of his belt loop as well. He was also wearing a black t-shirt with the sleeves cut off, which said, “NOFX” on it written in metallic silver letters. It showed off his toned arms and erroneous amount of tattoos. She shook her head in amusement when she noticed the new addition of ink on his left arm. It was located right on the outside of his arm, with the words, “SPA RES” written in huge black bold blocked letters. The spacing of the letters was really weird and some of the letters were crooked and sideways. It looked like the person whom inked them were high or intoxicated or both. All of the members of the band got drunk one night and decided to get them as some sort of camaraderie thing. She did not understand their reasoning, but boys will be boys.

They joked that since they got these tattoos, they could never break up now. It was really funny how they all got them in the same place, exactly the same way. It was really comical looking at them when they were on stage, all with matching tattoos.

Spunk had said that it was the punk version of what the pop rock boy bands do. Instead of matching outfits, they have matching tattoos. Expect theirs were unchangeable, only by laser surgery.

The coolest thing about it was that none of them seemed to regret it. In fact, they all kind of liked them. The band has become really tight knit. It was such a monumental change from how they first started out. It was not only showing professionally, but musically as well.

Hannah looked at him and sighed.

She silently thought to herself, He's evil. There's no other explanation. I mean, isn't it entirely possible that he is in fact the Devil, crammed into the body of a handsome musician?…

He was going to be the death of her, that was for damn sure…

Jack had a somewhat awkward smile on his face as soon as he saw her. He walked immediately over to her and sat down on the couch next to her.

He cupped her cheek in his hand and gave her a chaste kiss. He longed to thoroughly kiss her properly, to delve his tongue into her mouth and taste her, but he digressed. He did not feel comfortable kissing her with a large group of people around and he knew that she would not like it either. They liked to keep what they shared together to themselves and private. What they had was still new yet and they did not want to jinx anything. Of course, they were affectionate and everyone knew how deeply they felt for one another, but that did not mean they had to be obvious about it like Josh and Amanda or Beth and Manny. They did not have to prove their love to anyone by blatantly shoving it into everyone’s face. They were completely comfortable with what they had between them as of now. Their relationship was in a very good place. Well, as good as it can be considering their circumstances.

They still had a long ways to go yet. They still had the physical aspect of their relationship to work through. Ever since that morning over a month and a half ago, Hannah has still not let him touch her. It is starting to become very frustrating for him because every time they are lying in bed, kissing and when he is lying on top of her, it is so hard for him not to touch her. That is all he wants to do at times. He longs to know what she tastes like, what she feels like. What her face looks like in the throws of orgasm. He yearns to know how she sounds, moaning his name passionately. But he cannot really complain. Little by little, she is starting to come around and trust him more. She does not protests when he touches her breasts with his hands or mouth, but anything below the waist and she becomes frightened like a kitten, which he completely understands considering all that she had went through. He had to keep in mind that she just went through a trying ordeal merely ten months ago. He should consider himself lucky that he was getting as far as he got.

Even though she does not like for him to touch her, she does not oppose to touching him. In fact, it seems as if she loves it. Whenever they start to make out heatedly, she is always the one whom is in control. He is becoming aroused just thinking about how amazing her hands and mouth feel upon his skin. There is no greater feeling on this Earth than having the woman you love with all of your heart and soul wanting to please you in such an intimate way.

Sure, he loves her touching him. What any guy would not like having a gorgeous girl touching them? He just wishes for once, she would let him return the favor. He wants to make her feel as incredible as she makes him, night after night, day after day. He would never dare admit it aloud, but it hurts him knowing that she does not fully trust him. He has been through the same shit she has, why is it so easy for him to trust her? It makes him doubt the love she has for him.

Saving someone's life is like falling in love. The best drug in the world. For days, sometimes weeks afterwards, you walk the streets, making infinite whatever you see. Once, for a few weeks since he had saved her, he couldn't feel the earth - everything he touched became lighter. Horns played in his shoes. Flowers fell from his pockets. You wonder if you've become immortal, as if you've saved your own life as well. God has passed through you. Why deny it that for a moment God was there?

The first step is love, the second is mercy.

At the end of the day, when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody. So this thing where we all keep our distance and pretend not to care about each other, it's usually a load of bull. So we pick and choose who we want to remain close to, and once we've chosen those people, we tend to stick close by. No matter how much we hurt them. The people that are still with you at the end of the day, those are the ones worth keeping. And sure, sometimes close can be too close. But sometimes, that invasion of personal space, it can be exactly what you need.

When two people first start out they say a lot of things and make a lot of promises to each other. But somewhere down the line, the sweet things they once said become bitter words and the promises they swore in their hearts they would keep, are broken.

The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can't have them.

Jack pointed to her camera, “Taking pictures tonight?”

Hannah smiled and nodded, “Damn right I am. There’s a huge crowd out there tonight. I’m so happy for you.”

He took a deep drag of his cigarette and took a swig of his beer, shrugging sheepishly, “Yeah, I know. Manny told me. “

Hannah’s eyes squinted in confusion as she looked at him. He was acting somewhat distant toward her. Sure, he may have not exactly been doing anything per say to make her feel this way, but it was just something she sensed by his behavior towards her. He was keeping a considerable amount of distance from her and he was keeping his head straightforward, looking at the wall before him. It was almost like he could not look at her for some reason.

Realization alit within her eyes and she nodded her head knowingly. It looked as if her earlier assessment was correct. It was exactly what she had suspected all along. The signs were elucidated to her of what he was doing in the bathroom. Keep in mind that she did not know exactly what drug he was using, but she knew whatever it was, it was something very hard to pronounce and most of all…lethal. But isn’t all drugs harmful to the body no matter what the form?

She was so disgusted with him at this moment, she could barely look at him or speak to him. She felt shame and guilt not just for him, but for herself as well. She was nothing but a walking contradiction. She knew exactly what he was doing, but yet was not trying to get him help. If there is anything she has learned being in close contact with drug addicts it is that the only way she will be able to help him is if he wants it for himself.

The only thing she can do is hope and pray that he realizes what he is doing to himself before it is too late.

Just then, someone knocked on the door and poked their head in, signaling that it was time for them to perform.

Jack sighed in relief and quickly sprung up from the couch, forgive the pun, like a Jack in the box. He wanted to be anywhere but here. He could feel Hannah’s inquiring gaze on him, piercing through him like needle points. He was certain she knew that he was high. There was nothing he could get by her. She could see right through him. He did not feel like getting into a fight with her right before he performed. He could not afford the bad vibes. It would only lead to a disastrous performance.

The best example would be the night he and Hannah got into a fight over his drug use in the bathroom at that club in Ann Arbor. He will never forget how utterly bad his performance was. He just could not get into it, physically and mentally knowing what he had done to Hannah. The band members and the audience knew there was something wrong with him. It was kind of hard not to see it.

If he wanted to perform tonight, he had to keep his distance from her. For the good of everyone involved. He owed his band members at least that much.

Hannah gave him a quick kiss on his cheek and whispered in his ear, “Good luck.”

Jack nodded and gave her a small smile, “Thanks.”

Without saying another word, he quickly walked away from her, following the rest of his bandmates out the door.

Hannah crossed her arms over her chest and bowed her head ashamedly.

She hates the person he is when he is high. She really truly does. It is as if they are two entirely different people. When he is using, it is almost as if that side of himself is his evil twin. He is so hurtful, spiteful and conniving. He disregards everyone but himself. What saddens her the most is with everyone else, he is cool, but with her, it is as if she does not exist. He avoids her like the plague.

Nothing hurts more than giving your all to someone that gives you NOTHING. Sometimes we fall for people, and they just aren't ready to catch us.

Sometimes you have to get to know someone really well to realize they're a stranger

The hardest part of being in a relationship is having the feeling that the guy you love more than life itself doesn't care about you as much as you thought. You sit up every night and cry, worrying that it won't last much longer. Yet, you're doing everything you can to hold on to what you have and yet it doesn't seem to be enough.

The hardest thing in the world is spending everyday next to someone you know you'll never be close to.

Regardless of the fact that Hannah was angry with Jack, she still did not let it dissuade her from seeing his show. What a fucking fool she was, huh? Here she was, so seething angry with him she could barely see straight, but what does she do to exemplify that? Stay and play the little devoted and worshipping girlfriend.

God, if her parents could see her now. They are most likely rolling over in their graves. If they were alive, they would be livid to know she was with someone such as Jack. He was not exactly the type of guy parents pictured for their daughter. Her father would be off the wall with anger. He would most likely forbid her to see him ever again. Her mother would barely be able to look at her. Then again, she would not be able to look at for a lot of things that do not pertain to Jack. But if they were alive, would not everything be different? She would most likely still be living in Australia, living a happy, carefree normal life enjoying her teenage years. Her and Jack would have never came to be.

That thought did not sit well with her. Even though she was mad at him, she still loved him. God help her, but she did. So maybe in a way, it was somewhat of a blessing that they died. At least one good thing came out of it.

But as she looked at Jack, she had to wonder.

There are certain people who are not meant to fit in your life, no matter how much you want them to…

They have been playing for almost an hour and a half and were almost near the end of their set.

Hannah stood off to the side of the stage, snapping pictures that Manny would post on their website later in the week.

She took a picture of Jack tweaking his guitar quickly while Will was banging his drums in a melodic pulsating rock beat.

Jack joined in with this searing guitar riff that went perfectly in synch with the beat Will was playing. Spunk joined in as well, adding his own flavor to the mix, while Manny did the same.

Hannah smiled despite her dismal and dreary mood. She knew what the song was as soon as they started playing it. It was one of her favorite songs off their self-titled EP. It was the song called, “The Missing Frame” Judging from the crowds uproarious reaction, this was one of their favorites as well.

Spunk, Will, and Manny all sang, “OOOHHHHS” simultaneously. It sounded really cool for their voices were really low, almost meshing in with the music.

The music sounded very punk rock with a sort of retro beat. It could almost be described as being very early U2, which was not surprising considering they were one of the band’s musical inspirations.

Jack abruptly stopped strumming his guitar and grabbed the microphone as he sang, “One at a time, constants become surreal…One at a time, heart attacks are concealed…I can see that I lose the joys of life…One at a time…Suicides are revealed…You will see that I lost another life…But tonight…”

Jack once again began wildly strumming his guitar. Hannah averted her attention to the audience to take pictures of them. They were going wild for them, Jack most especially. The fact that most of them were girls did not go unnoticed by her, nor did it surprise her. He was a handsome guy, that was to be expected given his profession. Girls flocked to musicians. It was just something about them that fascinated, enthralled and captivated them. It has been this way since the dawning of music and will always be.

He once again began singing, “I'll let you tear it up…If you don't wake me up…But if you tear it…We can't repair it…So please don't wake me…'Til someone cares…Now no one cares…One at a time, I watched them all forget…One at a time, I'm lost in little deaths…It's the place that I…I forget my life…But tonight…”

The band winded and slowed it down, bringing the music to a more mellower level. Jack stopped strumming his guitar once again. He cupped the microphone with one hand and sang softly into it, “Will the flood behind me…Put out the fire inside me?…Will the flood behind me…Put out the fire inside me?….”

Will pounded the drums and they began playing in the previous beats. Jack strummed his guitar and sang loudly, his voice booming throughout the small venue, “I'll let you tear it up…I'll let you break it up…If you don't wake me up…But if you tear it…We can't repair it…So please don't wake me…'Til someone cares…Now no one cares…I'll let you tear it up…If you don't wake me up…'Cause it's apparent…That you don't care and…It's sunk into me…'Cause I don't care…Now no one cares…”

As Jack stopped singing, the band continued playing the song instrumentally for another few minutes, before abruptly stopping. Everyone began clapping, hooting and hollering, all the while shouting out their names.

Hannah came out from behind her lens and looked out into the audience in awe.

On stage, you could really feel the harmonious chordance in the band. You could really feel their vibes and see just how much they enjoyed and loved what they were doing. That is truly what makes a great rock show. When the band is enjoying themselves just as much as the audience. Most of the rock bands nowadays just go through the motions. They forsake creativity and substance to sound and look like everyone else. There is no originality.

It was a band like this that would stand out in the swarm of the cookie cutter bands in the music industry today. The Spares were going to take the world by storm.

Jack took a deep drag of his cigarette before throwing it onto the stage, stomping it out with the heel of his boot. The entire club was so quiet, you could hear a pin drop. The audience’s sole focus of attention was on the band, anticipating their next move.

A girl could be heard out in the audience screaming out, “JACKIE I LOVE YOU!”

Jack smirked and said into the microphone, “Love ya too.” This made the said girl scream aloud and clap her hands.

Hannah shook her head amusedly and chuckled softly to herself. She always found it funny when girls screamed things out to Jack at their concerts. Any other girl would have probably been jealous. She had the utmost confidence in what they had and she had faith in him. Things such as that just came with the territory.

All the band members looked at each other and chuckled softly. This was nothing new. They were so used to hearing girls shout out things such as that to Jack. It was to be expected. Shit, girls have even flashed him and threw their panties on stage at him. At first, he was very uncomfortable with such attention, but after awhile, he had become accustomed to it. He had to considering that this was going to be his livelihood.

At least, he hoped it would be anyway. This was the only thing he had going for him. Without this, he would be nothing. He would have nothing. He looked out in the audience and honed his gaze onto Hannah. He met her gaze and smiled at her, which she did not seem too keen on returning.

It looked as if he was in the doghouse yet again. But the only person he had to blame was himself.

There had to be a way for him to make it up to her.

He shook his head, ridding his mind of such maddening thoughts. He could not do this to himself, not right now.

Jack said into the microphone, “All right, this is our last one. I’m sure ya all know this one by now. So if ya do, sing along.”

Spunk began strumming his guitar in a laidback melodic beat, while the rest of the band members followed in suit.

As soon the audience heard the first chords of the song, they began clapping wildly, knowing exactly what it was.

Jack dropped his hands from his guitar and clasped then behind his back while he sang,
“I’m goin’ away
Everyone’s goin’ crazy
I know what they’ll say
But none of their words phase me
They keep sayin’ that the world’s gonna end
They keep sayin’ that the world’s gonna end
Don’t pick up the phone
Don’t turn on the television
I’m all alone”

Hannah smiled as soon as she heard the song. She loved it. It was her absolute favorite song. It was entitled, “World’s Gonna End”. Ever since she heard it at their first gig, she fell in love with it. She must have listened to it a thousand times on their EP. She knew the words by heart without even hearing them. It really meant something special to her. Maybe it had to do with the fact that Jack told her he wrote this song when he realized he was in love with her. Yeah, maybe that had a little bit to do with why she liked the song so much.

The rest of the audience seemed to be enjoying the song as well. They were all dancing and singing along to it. They seemed to know every single word to the song. She looked over at Josh and Amanda and smiled. Josh had his arms wrapped around Amanda’s waist and they were both swaying back and forth to the song. Josh was bopping his head up and down as sang aloud with the rest of the crowd.

“I’m makin’ my own decision
They keep sayin’ that the world’s gonna end
They keep sayin’ that the world’s gonna end
But don’t let it end before I kiss you
Don’t let it end before I kiss you
Before I kiss you
There’s always a spark
Some kind of light to cling to
I’m here in the dark
Waiting for you to shine through”

Jack cupped the microphone and sang softly into it as the rest of the band thrived on in this crazy hard rock beat, “They keep sayin’ that the world’s gonna end
They keep sayin’ that the world’s gonna end
But don’t let it end before I kiss you
Don’t let it end before I kiss you
Before I kiss you…
They keep sayin’ that the world’s gonna end
They keep sayin’ that the world’s gonna end”

His voice was such a stark contrast to the rest of the song. He seemed as if he were off alone in his own world. Hannah could not snap any more photos. All she could do was stand there as if in a daze as she watched him. She could hardly take her eyes away from him.

She watched as he walked over to one of the amps and stood on top of it. Her eyes widened and she gasped aloud in shock as he ripped off his t-shirt, throwing it out into audience. He raised his arms high into the air as Jesus did when he was crucified on the cross. He stuck his tongue all the way out, baring his tongue piercing out to the audience and resumed his God-like pose.

Hannah averted her attention toward the audience to see what kind of reaction it gauged from them. Unsurprisingly they seemed to love it. Maybe that was why he did it, to elicit a reaction from them.

Their boisterous applause and whistles were so loud it damn near blew out her eardrums.

She turned her attention back towards the stage and saw that Jack had thankfully climbed down from the amp and was now standing on solid ground once again. She sighed in relief. She was a little bit worried that he might hurt himself.

Hannah noticed how the rest of the band were all laughing hysterically, as if it were the most funniest thing they have ever seen. They were hardly fazed by his antics. They looked almost as if Jack does this kind of stuff on a regular basis. It made her begin to wonder what type of crazy and wild shit he does out on the road.

Maybe it is much better for her if she does not know.

It never ceases to baffle her how different he is on stage. He is so much more confident, carefree and spirited. On stage, he is limitless. It is because he has control and no one else. Everything he does is on his terms. It’s his rules.

He is the epitome of what makes a great rockstar. Unfortunately, it will inevitably be his downfall as well.

To the dismay and disappointment of the crowd, the band said their farewells and exited the stage.

Some of the audience began rushing over to the band members as they were exiting the stage. They all crowded around them, beseeching of them their autographs, to take pictures or just to talk with them, congratulating them on a great show.

Hannah intently watched as a few very scantily clad women began crowding around Jack, which not was surprising considering he was not only astonishingly gorgeous, but the lead singer of a rock band. That drew girls to him like moths to a flame. Two of them were blondes, while the other girl was a brunette. All three of them were buxom, curvaceous and most of all…gorgeous. They were so beautiful they could be supermodels, they most definitely looked like it. It was something Hannah would never ever be, no matter how hard she tried.

It made her feel so inadequate standing there silently watching them unabashedly flirting with Jack. They were pointing to the tattoos on his bare chest, letting their hands linger far longer than necessary. One of the women was lying the flat of her palm against his chest, looking directly into his eyes and saying something to him.

What made her even more angry and hurt was he knew that she was there and still he continued to converse with them. Of course, she trusted him and had faith in him wholeheartedly, but when it came down to basic science, he was still a man. It was only natural for him to be attracted to women that looked like them.

Regardless of that fact, it still made her wonder what exactly went on when he was out on the road. Maybe what she did not know would not hurt her. She would never dare to bring up the subject with him. The last thing she wanted to do was start a fight with him. God knows they got into enough frays to last a lifetime. As soon as they agreed to try this whole relationship thing out, they made a promise to each other that they would have clear and open communication with one another. They would be completely honest and forthright and would always say what was on their mind, no matter what. They decided this to avoid fights. It was not healthy to keep everything bottled up inside. It would only accumulate inside of themselves, culminating into a whirlwind of emotions. They would hold everything in, that when they did have a fight, it would not just be about what they were angry at each other for at that time. It would be a culmination of things, escalating into a huge blowout. That was their main problem in the beginning, but everything seemed to be okay now.

Well, as good as it can be in their world.

Hannah’s eyes widened and they filled up with tears as she watched one of the girls lift up her shirt, revealing her well toned and flawless abdomen. She quietly observed as if in a daze as Jack began signing her stomach with a marker. The other two girls followed their friend’s lead and made him do the same for them as well.

It did not go unnoticed by her the smirk he had upon his face as he signed their tummies. In fact, he seemed to be enjoying it. And while he may not have exactly been feeding into their advances, he was not doing anything in his power to heed their behavior either. Why did he not just walk away? If he loved and cared about her as much as he says he does, why is he acting in such a way? How can he have such a blatant disregard for her feelings? That was an easy question to answer, because he was a guy. When it came to beautiful and willing girls, it was as if they were thinking with the head that was in their pants. She should know. It was how she made her living, after all.

Hannah knew that this was an act. He was merely just playing his part of what being a rock star was all about, but that still did not mean it hurt any less. This was the first time she had witnessed such behavior coming from him. Seeing him with those girls was like a harsh blow to the gut. It cruelly reminded her of just how drastically different they were. It was as if they came from two different worlds, regardless of their circumstances.

For once, she wished she could be just like those girls. Young, beautiful and carefree with a clear mind, where the only real dilemmas she faced was what she was going to wear for school that day. Instead, she was cursed to live with a head full of memories and nightmares that no girl should ever have to endure.

GO ONTO NEXT PART:

LAMENT CONTINUED

Mon, 05 Mar 2007 05:11:56 GMT

She noticed Amanda and Josh walking over to where she was standing.

Josh shook his head and smiled, “Damn, that was a kick ass show. Loved the ripping of the shirt, very Jim Morrison.”

Amanda nodded her head and chuckled softly, “Yeah, they were really hot tonight. The crowd was going ape shit for them.”

Hannah gave her friends a small smile and looked over at where Jack was still standing with those three girls. She sighed deeply, saying sardonically, “Got that right.”

Amanda followed Hannah’s gaze to where she was looking. She crossed her arms over her chest and put her hands upon her hips, shaking her head angrily.

That little bastard. Amanda silently thought to herself.

What the hell did Jack think he was doing? Did he seem to forget that he had a girlfriend? A girlfriend that he was “supposedly” deeply in love with? Just seeing her friend hurt made her so angry she could hardly see straight.

Amanda had to admit that Jack was acting really strange tonight. Well, more so than usual, especially on stage. Her heart almost leaped out of her chest when he ripped off his shirt, throwing it out into the audience.

It seemed as if there was trouble in paradise once again, but she was hardly shocked. It was Hannah and Jack. It was such a shame that after all the hardships they endured as children, they still could not let themselves be truly happy. It was because both of them were so damn stubborn and hard headed.

She would be damned if she would stand here and let her best friend be humiliated like this.

When someone you care about very much is hurting, it is as if you too are experiencing the same pain. What kind of friend would she be if she stood there, watching her friend in pain and did nothing to try and relinquish it? She would be no better than those who seek to do her harm.

Hannah shook her head and heaved a laborious sigh, “Are ya guys ready to go?”

Josh’s eyes widened in surprise, “Don’t ya wanna see Jackie first before ya leave?”

Hannah shrugged, shaking her head sadly, “I’ll see him later, besides, I think he has his hands full at the moment.”

Josh averted his attention to where Jack was standing. His eyes widened in shock and he made a pained face at what he was seeing before him. He shook his head sadly and sighed.

What the hell is he doing? Josh silently asked himself.

Then again, what was he not doing? He could not really blame him for his erratic behavior considering that he was stoned out of his mind at the moment.

It was no hidden secret that Jack was using drugs. His friends knew it and so did his band mates. Hell, even Hannah knew it, but none of them did a thing to hinder his usage. Did that not make them somewhat guilty by association? He has lived with drug addicts all of his life. The one thing he has learned is the only way a drug addict will seek treatment is if they want it for themselves.

Until then, they were helpless and powerless to stop him. His only wish was that he sought out help before it was too late. Josh really respected and liked Jack as a friend. He admired him in so many ways. He was everything he wished he could be. He really truly envied him. It was such a shame that he was wasting away all of that God given talent.

Amanda grabbed Hannah’s hand and said, “Come on, girl, come with me.”

Hannah shook her head in bafflement as Amanda dragged her off. She looked at Josh. He shrugged his shoulders , which told her that he was not shocked in the least by her actions. Then again, Josh was used to Amanda’s somewhat…wacky behavior. Shit, he even found it cute and endearing, which for the life of her, she could not seem to figure out why.

Love is blind, is it not?

As the two of them were making their way through the throngs of people, Hannah asked her, “Where the hell are we going?”

“To stake ya claim, girl.”

Hannah’s eyes widened. Amanda did not have to explain it further for she knew exactly what she was talking about. She stopped dead in her tracks. She shook her head adamantly, “No, I can’t.”

Amanda let out an exacerbated sigh. She put her hands upon Hannah’s shoulders and met her gaze directly, “Look, baby. Do ya love Jackie?”

She nodded her head, “Of course.” There was no doubt in her mind about that. She did not have to give it a second thought.

Amanda smiled and nodded her head, “Just as I thought. Then how the hell can ya stand there and watch those skanks hang all over him? Ya gotta go over there, get in their faces and show them what’s up. He’s yours…they need to know that.”

Hannah shook her head, “But I don’t wanna be one of those jealous girlfriends.”

Amanda sighed and rolled her eyes, “Hannah, it’s not about being jealous or catty. It’s about demanding the same loyalty and respect that ya give Jack. If he loves ya as much as I know he does, he should have enough decency to know when to act right. “ She shook her head, “I don’t wanna preach to ya, but somebody has to tell ya this. “ She shrugged her shoulders, “Who better than your best friend, huh?”

Hannah nodded her head and smiled, “So what should I do?”

Amanda shook her head, “Just go over there and show him what’s up. Now I am saying this cause I love ya, but ya really need to grow a backbone, or else everyone in this world is gonna walk all over ya.”

Hannah chuckled softly, “Yeah…I know. I really appreciate ya telling me this. I really do.”

Amanda bowed her head gratefully and smiled, “Hey, what are friends for? Now get the hell on over there and make those sluts look like fools. ”

Hannah nodded her head and laughed aloud. She feels so lucky to have Amanda in her life. She does not know what she would do without her. She is truly the best friend she has ever had. Amanda is like the sister she has always wanted, but never had.

Until now that is…

Jack was still talking to the three young ladies when Hannah walked over to him.

She hooked her arm under his and looked up at him, smiling sweetly, “Hi, Jackie.”

Jack looked over at Hannah and his eyes widened in shock. He smiled at her in an uncomfortable manner. His expression was very amusing. It reminded her of a deer caught in headlights. He almost looked like an adolescent whom was caught with his hand in the cookie jar. Hmm, yeah, that perfectly described this situation.

There was one word that was clearly written all over his face…BUSTED!!

Hannah darted her attention back and forth between the three girls, “Aren’t ya gonna introduce me to your friends, Jackie?” She emphasized his name, saying it in almost a child like voice.

He shook his head and groaned inwardly. Why is it that he puts himself in these awkward situations? Will he ever really learn?

All of the girls looked at Hannah. They scanned their eyes up and down her, their eyes were filled with disgust, which was undoubtedly caused by jealousy. It was elucidated to them that Hannah was his girlfriend. It would take an idiot not to figure it out.

Jack could tell just by looking into Hannah’s eyes that she was furious. She was positively livid. The only person he had to blame was himself.

The girls all waved goodbye at Jack and quickly walked away from them. They obviously wanted to be anywhere but here at this moment.

Hannah and Jack were now standing there, all alone.

Jack gently grabbed Hannah by her arm and walked her over to far right side of the stage where they could have some privacy.

“What the hell’s the matter with you? Are ya trying to make a fuckin fool outta me?” He whispered to her in a fiercely angry tone.

Hannah looked at him incredulously and scoffed. She pointed to her chest with her index finger, “What’s the matter with me? You’re fuckin standing there, having your hands all over other girl’s bodies and letting them touch ya. And ya have the fuckin nerve to say that I’m making a fool outta you?” She shook her head and sighed, saying through gritted teeth, “How dare you, Jack. “

He bowed his head and ran both of his hands through his hair, swiping it back. He took a few moments of deliberation to get his thoughts in order. He had to rectify this matter somehow. He just had to. He could not ruin the best thing that has ever happened to him. He had not a clue as to what to say to make it right. Maybe it solely had to do with the fact that he was not in the right frame of mind. The high may have been wearing off, but his mind was still yet addled and hazed over in a fog of confusion.

Jack lifted his head and met her gaze, “I know what I did was wrong and that I violated your trust in me. I know that, but I made a mistake. I’m fuckin human, Hannah. I can’t be the little perfect boyfriend like Josh. That’s not me and never will be. Ya should know that.”

Hannah nodded her head, “I do. And I told ya before, I don’t expect ya to be perfect. “ She let out an embittered laugh, “We both know I’m not. It’s just ya gotta understand where I’m coming from. Seeing ya like that with those girls hurt me. It made me wonder-”

He cut her off mid-sentence by asking her, “Wonder what?” The hurt and disappointment in his tone was clearly evident.

As she looked into his eyes, she knew right then and there that she should have chosen her words more carefully. He may not seem like it, but Jack is a very sensitive guy. He may come off as this bad ass with a rough and hard edged persona, but inside, he was nothing but a scared little boy, crying, reaching and begging for love and acceptance for anyone that will take the time and listen. In a lot of ways, he is even more insecure than she.

Jack grasped her shoulders, “Wonder what, Hannah? Do ya not trust me? Do ya think that I would cheat on ya? Is that what ya think? What kind of fuckin man do ya think I am? Do my words mean nothing?”

Hannah shook her head, saying in an adamant tone, “No, I didn’t mean it like that, it’s just…” She bowed her head and took a few deep breaths in order to calm her frayed nerves. She lifted her head and cupped his cheek, “I would never think that of you…ever. I know that ya love me. I don’t doubt that. I doubt…me. “ She saw the perplexed look that came upon his face and further elaborated, “Seeing ya with those girls was a BIG reality check for me. It made me reevaluate some things.”

“I wouldn’t touch those girls with a ten foot fuckin pole. All I want is you, Hannah. Ya gotta believe that. It was nothing.” Jack said, his voice hinged on desperation. He had to make her see. He could not lose the one thing that meant the most in the world to him. Not over something as miniscule, petty and juvenile as this.

Jack cupped her cheeks and leaned over to give her a kiss, but Hannah quickly moved her head away, deflecting his move.

She laid her hands atop of his and took them off of her face, placing them back at his sides. She shook her head and sighed deeply, “A kiss isn’t gonna solve anything, Jack. It’s not gonna make what ya did okay. Ya know how trust is a big deal with me and ya violated that. That hurt…regardless if it was meaningless or not. And the fact that ya did it right in my face is what’s truly pissing me off. I feel very disrespected. What if the situation was turned and guys were all over me? How would ya feel?”

He shook his head and scoffed, “I’d fuckin wanna beat the living daylights outta them.”

Hannah nodded her head, “See? Ya gotta understand where I’m coming from.”

Jack sighed deeply, “But I never did nothing.”

Hannah smiled sadly, “That’s my whole point. You did…nothing.” She sighed, shaking her head, “Look, I’m tired. I’m gonna go on home with Josh and Amanda. I’ll see ya back at the house.”

He nodded his head “Can I come to your bed tonight?” His voice sounded like that of a small child’s, frail, meek and mild.

Hannah bowed her head and looked intently down her feet. The way he looked at her with those big puppy dog eyes was just so adorable. It made it damn near impossible for her to say no to him.

She hates the way he can push her to her limits with the things he does. Then he knows just the right time to say something sweet to make her fall in love all over again and she forgets every little reason she was mad. But she still cannot get that image of him with those girls out of her head.

Hannah had to stop forgiving him at the drop of a hat. She had to make him see that actions have consequences that must be rendered. She was going to take the advice from Amanda and make him sweat it out a little bit and think about what he did. Sure, it may be just as hard for her as it is for him to be apart, but she had to do it. It would only strengthen their relationship.

Well, at least that was what Oprah had said. You can never go wrong with Oprah wisdom.

She shook her head, “I don’t think that’s a good idea, Jack. I just need a couple days to think.”

What I really meant to say was how the hell can I stay mad at ya when I have ya lying right next to me? Holding me? She silently added to herself.

Hannah could not seem to think coherently when his hands were upon her.

She could not bear to look at how deeply hurt he was. But as always, he stood tall and maintained his hardened façade. He nodded his head, “Okay…yeah…”

It looks as if I ain’t getting any sleep tonight. He thought to himself. How the hell can he sleep without having her next to him?

It looked as if he had royally fucked things up for them once again. And they were getting along so well.

Hannah cupped Jack’s cheek and gave him a quick peck on the other , “See ya later, Jack.”

Jack nodded sadly and sighed, “Yeah…later.”

He watched as she walked away, heading over to where Josh and Amanda were standing. She said something to them and they both nodded their heads, all the while looking his way. But Hannah kept her back facing him, refusing to look anywhere in his vicinity.

As all three of them were exiting the club, Josh smiled and waved goodbye to Jack, signaling with his hand for him to call him.

Jack waved back and smiled, nodding his head.

You ever look at a picture of yourself and see a stranger in the background? It makes you wonder how many strangers have pictures of you. How many moments of other people's lives have we been in? Were we a part of someone's life when their dream came true? Or were we there when their dreams died? Did we keep trying to get in, as if we were somehow destined to be there? Or did the shock take us by surprise? Just think, you'd be a big part of someone else's life... and not even know it.

Maybe it wasn’t so wrong after all. If he didn’t let being a man mean too much, he wouldn’t be too hurt when he went away. But that didn’t mean he had to stop living too. Even if he didn’t jump off a cliff there were other ways to end his life

He’s not a little boy anymore. He has no one else to blame but himself for how fucked up his life is. When the world has taught him how to be a man, then he'll still make mistakes. But his family, and all those good friends he’s made along the way, will help him. Even though he'll think the world has gone out of it's way to teach him all the tough lessons, he'll realize that it's the same world that's given him his family and those friends. He'll come to believe that no matter what happens, somehow the world will protect him, too.

You have to be strong to survive in this city. With all the poor people of this city who wanted only to live and were viciously murdered, he has the nerve to stand here, wanting to die, but he is just too fuckin scared to go through with it. He makes himself sick!

Jack shook his head and heaved an anguished sigh. He stormed to the back of the stage in search of Spunk. The high had completely worn off now and he was craving again. Maybe a shot of Methadone would help him sleep tonight.

He mine as well.

It was not as if he had anything else better to occupy his time.

GO ON TO NEXT PART: